


The Flower Garden

by thevalesofanduin



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works, The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Flowers, Fluff, Lots of flowers, M/M, My canon is only canon in the Dutch LotR, Romance, Seriously guys this will get heavy on the angst and emotional side of life, The rest of the company takes the stage too sometimes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2014-12-07
Packaged: 2017-12-12 08:46:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 58
Words: 98,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/809642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thevalesofanduin/pseuds/thevalesofanduin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first night Fili met Bilbo Baggins he learned that Hobbits planted flowers atop of the graves of their dead. It struck him as odd, nothing more nothing less. He could never have guessed then how much he'd come to hate that tradition.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alternative title: That Time an Ignorant Dwarf Trampled Into My Nice Garden And Complimented My Dead Father
> 
> ~~~
> 
> So I need to make a side-note here. 
> 
> I thought I made this story completely canon as far as dates and years in The Hobbit are concerned. But, it seems, there is a typo (yes, you read that right) in my Dutch version of The Lord of the Rings Appendix.
> 
> Dutch version: Bilbo's mom dies in 1343 Shire-reckoning  
> All other versions: Bilbo's mom dies in 1334 Shire-reckoning (see what they did there?)
> 
> Bilbo leaves on the quest with Thorin in 1341 which resulted in me assuming Belladonna was still alive when he left! SO, in this fic Belladonna is still alive when Bilbo leaves the Shire because I thought it was canon. 
> 
> So there's that.

Never in his life would Bilbo Baggins ever trust information he got from a book again.

Books told _stories_ and even when they seemed to contain facts, they were complete and utter creations of the writer’s imagination.

He’d once read in a book that dwarves were a honourable, merry folk.

 _Ha!_ Bilbo thought. _Nonsense!_

They were rowdy, disrespectful and oh-so stubborn. Not listening to a word he said, oh no they didn’t. No proper greeting either! And along the way they were destroying all of his possessions; cleaning their filthy boots on his mother’s precious glory-box, throwing his mother’s fancy dishes through the air like they were toys and his pantry, his poor pantry that had fallen prey to a pack of hungry dwarves. Dwarves that apparently didn’t know the words _thank you_ and called him a grocer, called him soft and weak. They should be grateful he hadn’t gotten Hamfast and his pitchfork to forcefully chase them out of his house!

The nerve of these dwarves, sitting at his table and drinking ale like it was tea and loudly singing – if it could even be called that – songs like it _wasn’t_ well past midnight! Oh what must his neighbours think?

Those were his thoughts as he made his way out of his front door, just about remembering to snatch his pipe with him as he went. If the neighbours weren’t there to demand an explanation, a calming smoke was something he _desperately_ needed right now.

When he stepped into the cool, evening air he didn’t find an angry mob of hobbits at his fence, to his great relief. Luckily it seemed that everyone in Hobbiton was sleeping peacefully as all houses in his neighbourhood were dark.

 _Good_. He nodded to himself. He still had a reputation to uphold, after all. Even though these dwarves might be feasting through the night and be gone on their adventure in the morning, he would still be here as there was no way he was going with them. He could hardly do that, now could he? He couldn’t leave his mother, not now. And he was a proper and respected gentle hobbit, and that meant he wasn’t going to run off with a bunch of _dwarves_. Besides, who would look after the house while he was gone? Someone had to make sure Lobelia Sacksville-Baggins didn’t steal all the contents of his house.

He left the front-door open – best to get some fresh air in the house before everyone passed out drunk – and slowly strolled down a path in his yard. The path led to a small garden, laid out at the left-side of the hill that was his smial.

In that small yard lay a bed of flowers and stood a stone bench. It was the neatest, most looked after part of the garden and Bilbo spent many a afternoon sitting on the bench and smoking his pipe. Not because this part had the most sunlight, because he would have to go to the other side of the hill for that. No, this was the place where his mother and he buried his father, after his death.

Bungo Baggins had died at the age of eighty, which wasn’t very old for a hobbit, but it wasn’t very young either. 

He himself had been thirty-six when his father passed away, and he remembered it like yesterday. His father had been sick for a little while, but no-one had expected him to just not wake up anymore one morning. 

It was the saddest morning of his life. 

Not only had he woken up without a father, he had lost his mother as well.

She was alive and after a few initial hours of shock had mournfully set to preparing her late husband’s funeral. But when they buried Bungo in the garden, his mother’s heart was buried with him. She hadn’t even been able to plant the flowers on his grave. Instead, Bilbo had done it and he cared for them even now. His own personal treasure. 

 

Sitting on the stone bench he prepared his pipe, keeping half an eye on the flowers.

Yet as he stuffed his pipe with Old Toby and lit it, his mind wasn’t on his late father, nor on his now old and weary mother.

No, his thoughts were on the dwarves gathered inside. Impolite they were, loud as well, and most definitely _not_ the kind of folk a Baggins – or any respected Hobbit – should be talking with.

But Bilbo couldn’t help but admit they were a sad bunch as well. He could hardly imagine what it would be like to lose his home, let alone to fight a dragon – _a dragon!_ – to get it back. It was the most foolish, life endangering yet brave thing Bilbo had ever heard of. He was certain that if they succeeded, there would be many a story about their quest. Stories he would happily read in his comfortable chair, with a cup of tea and opening a window to enjoy the spring air.

Because there was no way that he was actually joining these dwarves in their mad quest! It just wasn’t done, even if a part of him felt inclined to help these poor dwarves out.

But no, he was a hobbit and that meant he was not going to run off with a pack of dwarves whenever it would strike his fancy. He’d give them a roof for the night – they’d take it anyway, so best pretend you were offering – and food to leave with in the morning – if by then they hadn’t raided his entire pantry already. But with a place to sleep and supplies to take with them, he’d send them off on their merry way and to never come back, thank you very much. They had probably tarnished his reputation a great deal already so yes, it would be for the best if they stayed away. That way he could go back to his quiet, uneventful life.

\---

The fall of footsteps against the ground disturbed Bilbo’s quiet musings.  
He stubbornly ignored it – for now – and relaxed back against the bench, enjoying his pipe. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, enjoying the smoke filling his lungs and the taste it left in his mouth.

The footsteps halted, the person most likely standing next to the bench.

Then: “Nice flowers.”

Bilbo nearly chocked at the comment, coughing loudly as the smoke went down his windpipe. The dwarf who had spoken was next to him within seconds, patting his back with so much vigour Bilbo feared it would leave bruises. 

“T-that’s about enough.” Bilbo wheezed, looking up at both his attempted murderer and saviour. It was one of the younger dwarves – one of the prettier ones, too. _Kili?_ His mind provided. _Or maybe it was Fili…_

Whichever it was, he had complimented the flowers. Considering the dwarf probably didn’t realize that it just wasn’t a mere flower-bed, Bilbo should probably extend a proper thank you to the dwarf. 

He looked up at the blond dwarf – wasn’t Fili the blond one? – and gave him a small smile. “Thank you.” He said, nodding his head to the flowers.

The other grinned. “You are very welcome, Master Baggins. They look very… pretty.”

Bilbo chortled softly at that, amused. “You don’t know the first thing about flowers, do you?” He asked, barely able to contain his smirk.

The dwarf seemed to take his comment as an invitation, for he sat down on the bench next to Bilbo. He even nudged his hips against the hobbit’s to make a bit more room for himself.

Bilbo was surprised at his lack of irritation at the action. Normally, he’d be out of sorts but apparently, he was warming up to the dwarves that were currently tarnishing his house and reputation.

_Strange._

Meanwhile, the dwarf contemplated his question – something Bilbo hadn’t expected. “What is there to know about flowers other than that they look pretty?” He then asked and when Bilbo turned to look at him, he was preparing his own pipe for a smoke.

Bilbo resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Dwarves truly knew nothing of these kinds of things. “For dwarves I’m sure that’s all there is to know.” He said, choosing his words less carefully than he would’ve liked and hoping the other took no offence.

Fili – yes, he’d settle for that – watched him for a few moments with a small frown. Then, he seemed satisfied with what he found and shook his head with an amused expression. “True indeed. Us dwarves, we do not care much for flowers and the, how shall I call it, _comfortable_ way of life of you hobbits.”

“Or manners,” Bilbo huffed and then flushed when he realized he’d actually said that out loud. “I- uh, well, I am sorry. Terribly sorry, yes. I didn’t mean that at all. You are, after all, making an effort and I –”

Bilbo was cut off when Fili chuckled, raising his hands. “Peace, master Baggins.” He said and when Bilbo didn’t continue speaking, they both sat in silence enjoying their pipes for a moment. Then, Fili turned to look at Bilbo with a smirk. “I do even agree with you. Compared to your _propriety_ , us dwarves must look like barbarians.”

Bilbo pursed his lips with a small frown, taking another drag of his pipe. “There is nothing wrong with a bit of propriety, you know.” He pointed out.

Fili shrugged. “Of course not! We dwarves aren’t true brutes, you know. We know about being polite and being proper in the right situations.” He grinned at Bilbo. “You just take it to a whole new level.”

Bilbo felt a bit taken aback by the comment. He knew that in the eyes of the dwarves he might be overly proper, but in the Shire he couldn’t afford not to be. “I am a Baggins, I’m expected to live up to my Father’s good family-name.” He shrugged.

Fili made a none-committal sound at that but didn’t say anything.

Bilbo, surprised at the lack of reaction, turned to Fili. The dwarf was watching the flowers with a thoughtful expression. Obviously something about what he’d said had gotten Fili thinking.

He wondered what it was but didn’t ask. That would be rude.

So instead, he settled back and lurked at his pipe, eyes settling on the flowers as well. Gosh, what would his father think of all of this? He couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought. He knew very well his father would be freaking out, whereas his mother would be a bundle of excitement. His amusement was quickly replaced by sadness, a sigh passing his lips as he lowered his eyes.

Long gone were those days.

“They aren’t just flowers, are they?” Fili suddenly asked, an almost gentle expression on his face when he looked at Bilbo.

Bilbo shook his head. “Flowers are important to us. Every flower has a meaning and so they are carefully planted in a garden. A garden reflects the family living in the house and you won’t find a single hobbit family that doesn’t have a neat and cared for garden.” He explained. “And of course every garden has a private patch as well. Usually no-one but the family themselves is allowed to come there.”

Fili was silent for a moment and then stood up.

Bilbo’s head whipped around to watch the dwarf, frowning at the other’s sudden movement.

Fili bowed his head. “I am sorry, master Baggins.” He said and his eyes turned to the flower-beds. “I did not mean to trespass.”

Bilbo blinked and then realized his words might’ve sounded like an accusation. “Oh,” he mumbled and shook his head. “You aren’t trespassing, I can assure you. I maybe should’ve explained it with different words. Come, sit down if you still wish to.”

Fili hesitated, not convinced at all.

Bilbo sighed. The only way Fili would understand would be if he knew the true meaning of these gardens. Bilbo was surprised to find that he wasn’t unwilling to share that part of hobbit culture with him.

“I don’t know how dwarves... care for their dead. But we want to keep our loved ones close, even in death. So we bury them close to our homes and plant flowers on top of their graves. It’s like a memorial, the flowers representing the deceased’s personality, their life. It’s not that others aren’t allowed to come here. It’s just that many don’t, out of respect.” He was silent for a moment, swallowing the lump in his throat and in a saddened tone admitted: “It’s not entirely undesirable to have some company here once in a while, though.” He turned to Fili and smiled, although it probably looked forced. “It makes the place a bit less sad.”

Fili looked shocked, although in his eyes Bilbo could also see a sad sort of understanding. “I’m sorry for your loss.” He said, sounding mournfully.

Bilbo was about to shrug and wave it off with an ‘it happens’, but something in Fili’s eyes told him that such words would most likely upset the other. So instead, he smiled carefully. “Thank you.”

TBC.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The length of this is a bit shorter than the first. Lengths of chapters throughout this fic may vary, just so you know.
> 
> Hope everyone enjoys this chapter~!
> 
> I also made a photoset to go with the fic! Posted it on my Tumblr:  
> http://chinadollysgraveyard.tumblr.com/post/50903233134/there-will-come-a-time-youll-see-with-no-more

Silence stretched between them and Bilbo wasn’t sure exactly how much time passed.

But after a while, when Bilbo was already having his second pipe and Fili finished his first, the dwarf sighed. “I should head back inside. Get some sleep. Uncle will want to depart early tomorrow morn.”

Bilbo nodded, fidgeting nervously at the mention of the dwarves’ journey. He didn’t know why he felt so guilty and slightly disappointed for not joining them.

But Fili did not stand up. Instead, he turned to watch Bilbo with a frown on his face. “Have you decided yet, Master Baggins?”

Bilbo swallowed, lowering his eyes to his lap. “I can’t... I mean, I’m a hobbit!” He shook his head. “I can’t just leave.”

Fili nodded with a sad sigh. “I guessed as much.” He admitted. “And although I am slightly disappointed I cannot say I wholeheartedly disagree.”

When Bilbo looked up at Fili, the other was looking at the sky, longing in his eyes. “You have a home. If I had one, I wouldn’t be so willing to leave it either.”

Bilbo could only smile sadly at the understanding. He was grateful that at least someone seemed to understand but the reason why he was understood pained him. He couldn’t imagine what it must be like to not have a home. “I wish I could help you. I really do.” He said, although he wasn’t sure whether he was comforting Fili or himself. “But I am merely not cut out for the job.”

“You won’t know until you try.”

Bilbo gasped softly at those words, eyes widening slightly as he looked up at Fili. “That’s... my mother used to say that.” He stated softly, a sad smile coming to his lips. “Whenever I refused to eat something I had never had or whenever I was afraid to do something because I could get hurt. She would always tell me to try.” 

Fili gave him a soft smile. “Your mother was a wise woman, then. Those words are right, you know. You won’t know if you are the right person for us until you have tried. Besides, Gandalf seems adamant that you are. That has to count for something.”

_Is_. Bilbo wanted to point out. _My mother is a wise woman_. But memories of his mother stopped him. Memories where she smiled down at him, telling him to try everything new that came his way. Because his life would turn out dull and boring if he didn’t. Without the occasional adventure, life would be life. And, as she had always said, life needed to be _lived_.

The thing was, Bilbo hadn’t _lived_ for such a long time, that now that he finally got the opportunity to do so, he was afraid. Oh-so afraid to journey out of the Shire and go on the adventures his mother had told him about. Adventures he had been excited about when he was little. Back when his father was still alive and his mother still radiant.

Bilbo shook his head. “Gandalf is wrong. And, I am not saying that my mother is wrong, but I’m quite certain she wasn’t speaking of adventures that might mean my immediate death. I’m still just a hobbit and there’s a reason us hobbits don’t go adventuring.”

“Which is?” Fili asked.

“It’s dangerous and one will most likely not come back.” Bilbo said – repeated words he’d heard over and over again by his father’s relatives – crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Right,” Fili nodded. “Well, as I said, I do understand. So I bid you a good night, master hobbit.” 

“Ah, yes, good night.” Bilbo nodded and watched the dwarf walk away.

But just before he was about to round the corner, Fili turned back to Bilbo. “Just a last piece of advice if I may,” he called.

Bilbo turned too, surprised, and nodded.

“Perhaps you should do what your heart tells you rather than what is to be _expected_ of you.” He said and with a small bow of his head he turned around and walked away once more.

Bilbo turned back, watching his father’s grave. He felt a tightness in his chest at those words.

Because, deep down, he knew couldn’t ignore that Fili was right.

\---

Waking up to an empty house was something that had never failed to give Bilbo mixed feelings.

When he was younger he’d loved waking up alone. At those times it had been a sign of trust in Bilbo’s growing maturity that his parents dared to leave him alone. It was also a huge favour, to leave their child sleeping in their bed while they tracked the three-hour hike to join some distant relatives for Elevensies.

As he had gotten older the times he woke up to an empty house got fewer and fewer for with his age came responsibilities. Responsibilities that didn’t allow him to sleep in, even if he wanted to.

And then his father had passed.

Even with his mother in the house, it had been eerily quiet. He hadn’t liked waking up _at all_ for a time then. He still got up early in the morning but First Breakfast wouldn’t be waiting. Not anymore. His mother was too struck in her grief to properly care for herself, let alone for Bilbo. Most of her days early after Bungo’s passing were spent in bed, Bilbo having to force her to eat or drink anything. After that, she dwelled in the Garden, sitting on the bench and staring at the grave there for hours an end. Those were the worst mornings. When Bilbo would wake up to find the house empty, his mother sitting outside with a pale face and haunted eyes.

One morning, he’d sat next to her. He’d taken her hand in his and sat with her. Even now he couldn’t be sure how long it had taken. But eventually Belladonna had lifted her head, turning to watch her son. “Bilbo?” She had whispered mournfully, brokenly and then she had cried silently on his shoulder.

The day after, when Bilbo had woken up, his mother was in the kitchen, preparing breakfast. She wasn’t bustling like she used to, the breakfast wasn’t as great as it used to and they had eaten silently, both refusing to look at the empty chair. 

After that things had settled down in something that came close to normalcy. It had never been how it used to be, but that was to be expected.

Except things hadn’t stayed that way, Belladonna had gotten older very quickly after Bungo’s passing and after a while she simply couldn’t force herself to live in the same house she had once shared with him anymore. So she left to live with her family, leaving a heartbroken son the new Master of Bag End.

It had taken him weeks – months – to not wake up feeling empty, to get used to living by himself in such a big house, decorated with things that reminded him of happier times. But he’d settled into a routine, held his head up high and acted – pretended – like his life wasn’t spent miserably alone in misery.

After pretending for years, he had finally convinced himself of that.

 

Then thirteen dwarves and a blasted wizard had come knocking on his door, making his world of pretence shake on its foundations and the walls came tumbling down.

And so when he woke that fateful morning, with no dwarf in sight and no obvious signs lingering around they’d ever visited him, he felt bothered. Not just bothered, but guilty as well. And _lonely_.

Lonelier than he’d felt even when his father had died, and after his mother left. Because the night before his house had been bustling. The night before he hadn’t just pretended. No, he had been living.

It had been so long that he’d almost forgotten what that had felt like. 

And now that he’d had a taste, all he wanted was more.

 

He lingered in bed, not quite sure he wanted to face his empty home. And when he stumbled into his study and could imagine the dwarves gathered around the fire-place, singing about a home they’d lost so long ago he swallowed thickly. And when he found himself turning away ruefully he could see Fili’s eyes. The longing they’d possessed when thinking of a home he’d probably never had.

Bilbo shuddered.

He might’ve refused them at first, claiming it was because he was just a hobbit. 

But that wasn’t true, he decided, as he grabbed the contract and rushed out his door, trying to catch up with the dwarves.

It was _because_ he was a hobbit that he was helping them out. Because a hobbit knew what it was to have a home, how important it was. And amongst themselves, hobbits would protect one another. They would protect each other’s homes; for there was nothing more important than home and family.

And if helping out a pack of dwarves getting their home back made him a foolish hobbit, then so be it. Because he might be a Baggins, he was also a Took. And this Took wasn’t pretending anymore. This Took was finally taking the advice his mother had once given him. He was going to live his life like he should’ve done from the beginning.

TBC.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments on the previous chapter <3
> 
> Hope you all enjoy this one! And I just wanted to let you guys know that there won't be an update next week as I'll be in Paris enjoying some tennis and culture ^-^

When Bilbo came rushing to the dwarves earlier that day, Fili almost fell off his pony. He hadn’t had much hope Bilbo would be coming with them, as the hobbit had still been sleeping when they departed. Granted, he should’ve known not to hope given the words Bilbo had spoken the night before.

Not only that, he had not – and still did not – know why he _hoped_ for the other to come anyway. He was a stranger, a peculiar creature from a race he knew nothing about.

That was it! Fili concluded. The hobbit was a strange fellow he knew nothing about and he was curious. Weren’t they all?

And when he’d placed his bet about when the hobbit would join them – if at all – he’d been rather hopeful and said Bilbo would join them before noon. The moment he’d placed his bet he had a sinking feeling he’d lose.

So when he – and almost everyone else in their company – was proven wrong by the hobbit he needed a few moments to get over his initial shock. Moments his brother happily used to laugh at him.

“At least I won the bet,” Fili told his brother haughtily. “You thought he wouldn’t even come at all.”

Kili laughed. “True, true.” Then he turned to the hobbit with a small frown. “Makes you wonder what in Mahal’s name made him come, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Fili couldn’t help but agree and turned to watch Bilbo. Bilbo, who was seemingly fussing over getting on a _pony_ and Fili couldn’t help but wonder what indeed had convinced this homely creature to come.

Then, Bilbo turned and their eyes caught for a second. The look he received from the hobbit was one mixed with both excitement and exasperation. It brought a victorious smirk to his lips, as Fili thought that maybe it wasn’t what convinced the hobbit, but who.

This realization made him want to talk to Bilbo even more; both to tell Bilbo something along the lines of _I told you so_ and to ask what exactly possessed him to come on this mad journey.

But the moment Bilbo had been bullied onto his pony they set off. 

Though they were still in the Shire – which seemed the most peaceful place in existence – Kili and himself were still expected to ride up front. They were the youngest, they had the best eyes, and – unlike Ori – were trained to both fight and scout. However, they were also inexperienced, thus Thorin had ordered them to ride up front in order to prove themselves.

And even the lure of the Arkenstone itself couldn’t get Fili to turn down an opportunity to prove his worth to his uncle and king, let alone a much too proper hobbit sneezing like he was having some sort of attack.

That didn’t mean, however, that he didn’t have a single spare glance left for Bilbo.

Yet what he saw worried him. The hobbit wouldn’t be able to last a week.

\---

Bilbo had often travelled to and with his cousins in Tookburough when he was younger.

Not great lengths or big journeys like he would be taking now. Certainly not as dangerous as this one was bound to become at some point. But it was travelling – and camping, might he add! – nonetheless, even if it had just been for fun.

Travelling with the dwarves, it seemed, was quite the same. Or at least, to some degree.

One dwarf would make a stupid joke and the others would laugh, just like his cousins.

Someone would break out into a jolly song and the rest would follow, just like his cousins.

They constantly teased him, laughing when he would blush or splutter and continue to see if they could make him even more embarrassed, just like his cousins.

But where his cousins would at one point take pity on him – Belladonna’s glares over little Bilbo’s head probably had a lot to do with that – the dwarves did not.

And where the jokes his cousins made were slightly indecent and rowdy for a mature hobbit, for tweens they were considered funny and social.

The jokes dwarves made, however, weren’t something even the rowdiest hobbit would call funny. Instead, they were indecent, lewd and most of all, incredibly rude and insulting. Perhaps not to a dwarf, but Bilbo was certain that if he’d been any less stubborn he would have gotten off his pony, turned on his heels and left.

He was doing these dwarves a favour, therefore it would be much appreciated if they would show some consideration. A joke at someone else’s expense every now and then would certainly be enjoyable on his part.

He sighed softly.

Next to him, Bofur chuckled. “Missing ya home already, eh?” He asked, voice slightly solemn and an understanding look in his eyes.

Bilbo’s lips curled up into a tiny smile and he nodded, feeling grateful. Out of everyone, Bofur – and Fili, but he was hardly riding close to him – had been the kindest to him. Making only innocent jokes that were more befitting of a hobbit.

Behind them, Bilbo could hear Bombur chuckling quite happily. “Well who wouldn’t? Such a nice an’ comfortable little hole.” He said, most likely thinking back to the food he’d devoured just the night before.

Dwalin, riding next to Thorin, barked a laugh and turned his head to leer at Bilbo. “Aye, makes ya wander who he’s ‘ad in that hole of his, right lads?” He said with an almost filthy smirk.

The innuendo wasn’t lost on Bilbo, whose eyes widened comically at the statement. He spluttered and flailed, a blush rising all the way up to the tips of his ears and it felt like it might actually burn his skin. “T-that’s...” he spluttered and the lowered his eyes to the neck of his pony, mumbling: “Awful.”

Dwalin roared with laughter. “Better get used to it.”

The other dwarves chuckled and laughed before someone – Bilbo couldn’t even be _bothered_ to listen – struck up conversation again.

“Master Baggins?” Bofur questioned, a small frown on his face. “Ya all right?”

Bilbo raised his head and gave Bofur a small smile. “Yes,” he nodded. “Quite all right. Just not used to these kind of jokes, you see. They are all very... un-hobbit-like.” He would rather the dwarves just didn’t make such jokes about him. But there was little he could do about that and so would just have to get used to them.

“I can only imagine.” Bofur chuckled.  
Then, something seemed to have caught Bofur’s eye as he quickly looked into another direction. When he turned back to Bilbo, it was with a smirk on his lips. “Ya got a fan.”

Bilbo frowned and when Bofur nodded his head to the front of their group, Bilbo turned to look that way as well.

He didn’t see anyone looking at him and he had a sinking feeling he was being had again. But then he caught Fili’s eyes.

Fili who had been looking at him quite worriedly whenever a joke was made – although he did laugh along with the group, so Bilbo wasn’t quite sure what to make of that. Now that he had actually been caught looking, Fili seemed unsure exactly what to do for a second. Then, he seemed to get his act together and grinned at Bilbo before turning back.

Next to Bilbo, Bofur was watching him with amusement and Bilbo ducked his head, riding on silently.

He had noticed Fili’s occasional gaze into his direction from the moment he’d come rushing up the company of dwarves that morning. How couldn’t he have? The looks filled with curiosity weren’t what one could call discreet at all.

And now this!

Bilbo was quite certain that by now _everyone_ had noticed.

Which wouldn’t be good.

Not good at all.

Oh, he could already imagine the gossip flowing around! If these dwarves were even slightly like hobbits in the ways of gossip then a single glance could turn into a child being born out ofwedlock or bloody murder in less than three hours.

And Fili’s looks were... well, meaningless, Bilbo was quite certain. Curiosity most likely, since he had vehemently refused to come along on the journey the night before.

But the others didn’t know that and Bofur was starting to look more and more amused.

Bilbo wasn’t quite sure when, but it was obvious another joke was coming. At least Bofur’s jokes were kind-hearted and teasing rather than just meant to be rude.

“Say Bilbo,” Bofur started, voice laced with amusement.

Bilbo slowly turned his eyes to the dwarf, a small frown on his face and feeling insecure. “Yeah?”

The ends of Bofur’s mouth curled up into a smile and his eyes twinkled with mirth when he said: “Ya sure ya ain’t a lass? With the way young Fili keeps looking at ya, I’d say otherwise!”

Bilbo huffed, shook his head and – ignoring the laughs and looks from the other dwarves – patted the front of his waistcoat with a small smirk. “Quite, yes.” Of course, he wasn’t going to say anything about the Fili-comment.

“If you mistake Master Baggins for a lass one can wonder how many ya’ve seen at all, Master Bofur!” Fili all but shouted from the front, looking at Bofur with a smirk.

Bofur laughed loudly, shooting back: “More than you lad, that’s for sure!”

And then, half the company fell into stories about... well, rather indecent topics, if you were to ask Bilbo.

But at least they weren’t talking and joking about him anymore. He turned to look at Fili, who gave him a smug look. It was then that Bilbo realized Fili had most likely made the comment to divert the joke from Bilbo. He couldn’t help but feel grateful.

He’d have to thank Fili for that.

Although the shit-eating grin he received at his grateful nod, Fili’s eyes telling him _you owe me_ , was sort of worrying. It made Bilbo wonder what was worse. The jokes or owing one of the Durin brothers a favour.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So~ I'm back!
> 
> A huge thank you to all the nice and amazing comments and kudos I've received so far! I love you guys <3
> 
> So for this chapter a small reminder that in this story Belladonna is still alive (because according to my appendixes in the Dutch LotR, she is)~ 
> 
> That's all, go enjoy the chapter :)

When dusk began to fall the cheerful mood dropped a bit.

The dwarves were getting hungry and felt like settling down for the night to rest while they still could.

“So, master Baggins, any inns nearby where we can sleep?” Bofur asked Bilbo – voice just loud enough to travel to the front of their company.

Bilbo frowned for a second. “Well I must admit it’s been a while since I travelled this far from home, so I can’t be sure. But if my memory doesn’t fail me the husband of one of my father’s cousins has an inn around here.”

“Sounds ‘bsolutely lovely.” Bofur grinned. “Another night under hobbit hospitality.” 

Bilbo resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

At least hobbit hospitality was appreciated.

“Well, nothing is certain yet.” Bombur said, his eyes directed at Thorin.

Bofur made a disappointed noise, along with Nori and Bifur. “That’s true.”

“He ought ‘ta do it, though. Last night in a proper bed for Mahal knows how long.” Gloin said quite loudly.

Bilbo cringed at the lack of decorum. These dwarves weren’t even trying to be smooth about it! Yet, if this was the way to get their leader to agree with the idea, then it wasn’t so bad.

“And the food! I think everyone of us can do with another meal like that, right?” Bombur added with a grin.

“I think your pony disagrees, Bom! Another meal like yesterday and tomorrow morn your pony won’t be able to hold ya!” Bofur joked.

Almost everyone laughed and even Bilbo couldn’t help but grin.

“Hobbit!” Thorin’s harsh voice cut through the jolly atmosphere like a knife and Bilbo froze.

“Y-yes?” He turned to look at Thorin, who was watching him with a dark frown.

“You lead us to that inn.” He ordered. When Bilbo blinked at him without saying anything, he smirked. “Assuming your mind hasn’t fled you completely and you know the way.” He taunted.

Bilbo huffed. If he didn’t know the way? He thought it very rich coming from the man who had gotten lost in Hobbiton.

He considered telling Thorin, but when he spoke he said: “I am quite certain I know the way around in my own land.” Perhaps it was best to wait with expressing all of his thoughts until he was certain Thorin wouldn’t kill him.

Thorin gave him a single nod before turning his back to Bilbo. “Lead the way, then.”

\---

When their group rode up to the inn buthalf an hour later, a hobbit came rushing outside.

He was both older and rounder than Bilbo, with short dark-brown curls.

He watched group ride onto his land and towards his front door with a mixture of wonder and fear in his eyes.

“G-good evening gentlemen.” He greeted with a nervous smile as the dwarves – and one unnoticed hobbit – dismounted their ponies. 

Thorin stepped forward, towering over the inn-owner who seemed to cringe away in fear. “Good evening, master hobbit.”

Bilbo saw the hobbit flinch at Thorin’s harsh tone and authoritative stance and decided to step in before the poor fellow had a heart-attack.

Bilbo stepped around Thorin – ignoring the dwarf’s questioning frown – and raised his hand in greeting. “Good evening, Grigory.” 

The hobbit – Grigory – blinked, looking floored for a second or two. Then, a small smile broke his face. “Well, if it isn’t mister Baggins!” He exclaimed. His eyes flickered over to Thorin before settling on Bilbo again. “What are you doing here?” He asked. He didn’t need to ask _and why in Yavanna’s name with dwarves!_ It was screamed loudly enough already.

Bilbo swallowed.

This was it.

What he said now would travel around the entire Shire and, if he never came back, was what people would remember him by. So no matter how much Thorin didn’t want anyone to know about what they were doing, Bilbo was going to tell. This was important.

“These dwarves lost their home and I am going to help them get it back.” He straightened his back, ignoring Thorin’s glare and a few mumbles from the other dwarves.

Grigory frowned. “But travelling, mister Baggins?” He sighed and shook his head. “What would your father say?” 

Bilbo felt stung by those words and was about to reply when Thorin lost his patience.

“I do not care what anyone thinks.” He said, the would-be-king towered over the hobbit with a glare, coldly informing Grigory: “We are looking for a place to spend the night. Do you have room for us?”

Grigory faltered at those words and under Thorin’s scrutiny, looked like he wished for the earth to swallow him whole. He looked at Bilbo – almost accusingly – and then cast a doubtful look over the group. “I don’t believe we even have this many rooms, Sir.” He admitted.

“Well how many free rooms do you have?” Thorin asked, sounding impatient.

“F-four, Sir.”

Thorin nodded and grabbed his pouch from beneath his cloak to hand the inn owner a few gold coins. “This should cover the rooms as well as any food and drinks our company wishes to consume.” He then turned to the company. “Get the ponies in the stable, lads. We are staying here for the night.”

Everyone cheered and the ponies were in the stable before Bilbo even had the time to ask anyone if he could help. He patted his pony on the back before leaving the stable, making his way to the inn. He was grateful they could stay here for the night. Here, at least, he could get a decent meal and a nice bed to sleep in. He couldn’t be too sure, but he had a feeling it would be his last one in a long time.

 

He was the last of their company to enter the inn and when he did, Grigory was standing at the door.

Bilbo paused in the door-way and glanced at Grigory, contemplating whether he should make a comment on the other’s question about his father or not.

It seemed, though, that he didn’t need to.

“Apologies for my words, mister Baggins.” Grigory said and glanced at Thorin. “I should not have spoken so rashly of your departure. Certainly not considering the company you leave with leaves... little room for refusal.”

Bilbo nodded – and didn’t add that he hadn’t exactly been forced into anything. “He is quite persuasive.” 

“Indeed.” Grigory huffed and clasped Bilbo’s shoulder as they made their way to the table where the dwarves had sat down at. “At least it’s about them getting back home. Home is very important, after all.” Grigory nodded to himself.

\---

Later, when everyone had eaten – and complained, for the meal Bilbo had given them had been much nicer – they began drinking.

Both Bilbo and Grigory watched in growing wonder – in Bilbo’s case – and fear – in Grigory’s case – as the amount of consumed alcohol grew.

So, when the dwarves loudly ordered another round of drinks, Grigory walked away while mumbling to himself.

It wasn’t overly clear exactly what he said, but the words “disgrace”, “father” and “ family-name blown to tatters” did reach the table.

It was enough to make Bilbo look down in shame, and the dwarves to cease their loud, boisterous conversation.

Bofur put down his ale and patted Bilbo on the shoulder. “’s okay lad. Ye’re doing us a big favour so I’m sure ya ‘da will be mighty proud.”

Bilbo gave Bofur a – probably obviously fake – smile and shrugged. “It’s all right, it doesn’t matter.”

Bofur frowned, silent for a few moments. Then, he asked: “Why not?” 

At the same time, Fili – seated close to the two – hissed: “Bofur!”

Bofur’s frown deepened and he looked at Fili. “What?”

Bilbo was torn between sighing and smiling. He appreciated what Fili’d tried to do but he knew it would do nothing. It would most likely only fuel Bofur’s curiosity.

“It’s nothing.” Bilbo said and both Bofur and Fili turned to look at him. He let out a nervous laugh and averted his eyes. “Just that my father is dead. So I guess he can’t have much of an opinion.”

“Ah,” Bofur made a sad noise. “Yeah, sucks to lose ya parents.”

“Oh, I haven’t...” Bilbo started to reply, but his words faltered as his mind formed around exactly what he was going to say.

Because he hadn’t lost both his parents. His mother was still alive, she was, but he was leaving her.

He swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. But it didn’t help. It only brought tears to his eyes.

He stood up, feeling shaky, and ignored the looks he received. “I’ll be right back. Just going outside to get some air.” He excused himself and all but ran outside.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for reading so far! Hope everyone is enjoying it ;)

The moment Bilbo stepped outside into the cold air, he let out a shaky breath.

He took a few steps and found a small bench. He let himself sink down onto it and buried his face in his hands.

What had he done?

He never made promises that he didn’t keep. But here he was, thinking of the best way to tell the dwarves – and Gandalf, damn him thrice! – to find a new burglar.

Well, if he couldn’t think of anything he still had until tomorrow morn.

Yes, that was what he was doing to do. He was going to tell them tomorrow at breakfast. He couldn’t possibly ride home now, so the morning would be a good time.

_Yes, let yourself wallow in guilt and pity all night._ His mind provided bitterly.

Because he would.

Guilt for leaving and pity for himself. Because even after this day – with all the horrible jokes and rude comments yet kind gestures and exciting stories – he felt like he wanted to go. He longed for the adventure.

But he simply couldn’t leave only because he wanted to see the world.

 

“Master Baggins?”

Bilbo stiffened for a second before his shoulders sagged and he sighed.

He wondered in irritation if storming out of a room meant something other than “I want to be left alone” in dwarven culture.

“Good evening, master Fili.” He replied, his irritation clear in his voice and he pressed his lips together, refusing to look at Fili.

“Is everything all right?” Fili asked, sounding worried. He moved closer to the bench and, when he reached it, sat down next to Bilbo.

Bilbo surly kept his eyes fixated onto the dark landscape ahead of him and resisted the urge to sigh. While yesterday the other’s company was not necessarily unwanted, today Bilbo felt irritated and even slightly angry at the casual breech of personal-space. “Just fine.” He replied curtly. “Nothing to worry yourself about.”

Fili huffed. “When someone suddenly leaves a room it usually means something isn’t fine.” He said.

Bilbo raised an eyebrow and turned his eyes to Fili for a second. Grey eyes laced with a green hue caught his for a second and Bilbo was momentarily stunned at the amount of worry he saw in them. He swallowed and turned back to the rolling hills in front of him again.

“It usually also means the person leaving wants to be left alone.” Bilbo pointed out.

Fili chuckled. “I will, master Baggins, I will. As soon as I am certain everything is all right I will leave you be.”

Bilbo sighed and shook his head. “Even if I wasn’t fine there is nothing you can change about it.” He said stubbornly.

Fili remained silent at that for a few seconds.

Bilbo relaxed slightly, feeling like he won the argument. If the dwarf was insisting on staying, Bilbo was fine with it as long as he didn’t have to answer more questions. He’d rather sit here quietly and break the news to the company in the morning – before running back home.

“I know I can’t change anything.” Fili suddenly spoke, his voice soft and sad and full of unspoken memories.

It made Bilbo wonder exactly whom the other had lost.

“I know very well, I just felt like I had to apologize.” Fili finished and, when Bilbo looked at him with a frown, shrugged with a slightly awkward smile. “I know it’s stupid, but I would be pretty angry if someone disrespected my ‘da like that friend of yours. And then Bofur... Yeah, just wanted to see if you were doing fine.”

“I’m...” _Fine_. Bilbo almost said automatically. But the other’s – badly hidden – sad demeanour and honest words made him stop. When was the last time someone that could relate to him asked if he was fine? All everyone was worried about was his mother and the good Baggins name.

He sighed and lowered his eyes. “It hurts. But I have a feeling you know that.” He said, glancing at Fili.

Fili smiled sadly and shrugged. “I might. But at least I haven’t lost my ‘ma too.” He said softly, almost guiltily.

Bilbo felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He took a stuttering breath and shook his head. “Me neither.” 

His comment was met with a moment of stunned silence. Bilbo felt guilty, although he didn’t quite know why. He hadn’t said his mother was dead. 

“What?” Fili asked, eyes slightly widened and sounding surprised. “But I thought...” He didn’t finish his sentence, but Bilbo could imagine what the other wanted to say.

Bilbo fidgeted with his fingers. Fili wasn’t accusing him of leaving his mother behind, not yet. But Bilbo was sure that accusation was to come soon. Especially since the other had lost his father as well, he would probably look down on Bilbo for leaving his mother behind. But at least that would make leaving much easier.

“I know.” Bilbo said softly, keeping his eyes in his lap and refusing to look at Fili – whose eyes were by now burning holes in the side of his head. “I mean, last night... you said –” Bilbo cut himself off before he could start stuttering. “I’m sorry. I should have cleared it up straight away.”

Fili sat in silence for a few moments, processing the revelation and all the while he watched Bilbo. “Well, it would have been nice and perhaps less confusing.” He admitted and then he gave a short laugh, shaking his head. “Although it makes me a bit happy, too.”

Bilbo frowned. He had expected quite a few things to be said but this wasn’t one of them. “Happy?”

Fili nodded. “Yeah, ‘cause it means your ‘ma is still alive. That’s always a good thing.” He said with a small, somewhat goofy grin.

Bilbo gave a small smile at that. “Yes, yes it is.” He said, and although this would be the perfect opportunity to tell Fili that it also meant he couldn’t go with them, the words didn’t come. 

Fili raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t sound very convincing.” Then he leaned his head to the side. “And I don’t think you ever did mention why you ran out on us, master Baggins.”

Bilbo huffed, crossing his arms in front of his chest and shaking his head. “I did mention it was nothing you needed to concern yourself with.” He retorted, wondering why Fili couldn’t just drop this.

Fili frowned. “You’re sure about that?” He asked and then leaned his head to the side a bit, adding: “And do remember that anything to do with this company, is my business. Or rather, my uncle’s business which in turn makes it mine to know and inform him off.” He leaned closer to Bilbo, locking eyes with the other and quite sternly asking: “So is there anything that I should know about, master Baggins?”

Bilbo froze, unable to look away from Fili. The other looked so different now. So much like his uncle and yet there was an emotion underneath the sternness that Bilbo couldn’t read.

Bilbo swallowed. He couldn’t possibly lie now and say there was nothing wrong and then disappear in the morning. He would never be able to live down the guilt he’d feel for betraying the other like that.

“Well, technically you have all information you should need to figure that out by yourself, master Fili.” Bilbo said. He wasn’t sure what exactly kept him from telling the other straight out that he was leaving, but this tip-toeing made him feel very much like a coward.

_Another reason why you shouldn’t go with them._ His mind provided. _No use for cowards on a trip like theirs._

His internal feelings of guilt must have shown on his face, for when Fili spoke next his voice was softer and his tone less stern. “That I might, but I do not have the patience nor the time to figure it out by myself. Guilt is clear on your face and while I must say I haven’t known you for long, it worries me. So please assist me in figuring this out.”

Bilbo fidgeted with some loose threads hanging from his waistcoat as dread filled him. He was quite certain that Fili wouldn’t be nice to him anymore when told that the company had lost their burglar. Bilbo could only hope that Fili would at least be able to understand.

He raised his eyes, staring off into the darkness as he sadly said: “My mother is alive and I am very grateful for that, as you can understand. But she is old, she is weak and... I can’t just leave her. She took care of me my whole life. Just because I feel like seeing the world, it doesn’t mean that I can. I don’t have a lot of responsibilities, not a whole lot of things keeping me here. But my mother... It was foolishness and perhaps a silent wish that made me come with you this morning. I see that now...” He trailed off softly and looked at Fili.

Fili was looking at him with a dumbfound expression. Then, his eyes narrowed and his voice dropped to a low rumble when he demanded: “So you are going to run back home?”

TBC.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos! <3
> 
> Here is the second part of Bilbo's and Fili's conversation...

_Fili was looking at him with a dumbfound expression. Then, his eyes narrowed and his voice dropped to a low rumble when he demanded: “You are going to leave us?”_

Bilbo felt like he was punched in the gut by Fili’s accusing tone.

He’d been accused of many things in his life – not living up to the Baggins name by staying a bachelor one of them – but this was different. Because even though Fili sounded angry, it was clear that he felt betrayed, and Bilbo couldn’t feel any guiltier.

His breath stuttered and he turned his eyes away from Fili. He just couldn’t look at the other right now. He knew it was stupid to feel this guilty. He had only known the company for a day after all. But he was breaking a promise, and Fili, Kili and Bofur had been rather kind to him. 

He swallowed in an attempt to get the lump from his throat. His hands shook slightly in his lap and his shoulders were drawn together as he leaned in on himself, almost as if he tried to disappear completely. 

“I... well, yes I am.” He started, taking a breath before he started babbling, a desperate attempt to at least explain himself. “My mother, she needs me you see. She’s loved me all her life and I can’t just leave her. And you... you all need someone else. I am not a burglar and I am most definitely not suited to travel to that mountain with you. Your uncle already sees that, so I do not think it would be such a loss for you. I can not leave the Shire to go with you, and I am not what you need on your journey. Me leaving now is not as bad as it seems.”

As Bilbo talked, Fili kept a close eye on him and the frown on his face deepened the more Bilbo spoke. When Bilbo stopped, taking a nervous breath and keeping his eyes intently fixed on his lap Fili shook his head with a sigh. “Are you done?”

Bilbo blinked and his head whipped up, looking at Fili with a frown. “Excuse me?” He felt himself getting slightly angry at the question and he crossed his arms in front of his chest.

The moment Bilbo looked up at him, Fili smirked slightly. “I asked if you were done with the speech, master Baggins. Because I’m not buying it.”

Bilbo needed a few seconds to take those words in, so unexpected were they. And when they registered, when he realized exactly what Fili just said he blew up. His hands balled into fists in his lap, his cheeks burned red in anger and he glared at the dwarf in front of him. “Do you think I’m joking?” 

Fili looked slightly taken aback by Bilbo’s reaction and he seemed to hesitate for a few moments before he replied. His words more carefully chosen and his smirk and any sort of playfulness now replaced by a seriousness Thorin himself would be jealous of. “I would not say joking. It is obvious that you aren’t. But I don’t think you truly wish to stay in your comfortable and homey Shire.”

Bilbo bristled and shook his head. How dare that blasted dwarf! “Then I’m afraid you are wrong, master Dwarf.” He replied curtly, pressing his lips together.

Fili huffed in annoyance and shook his head. He gave Bilbo a somewhat sad look and softly said: “There is nothing wrong with wanting to leave.”

Bilbo’s body tensed, a hot flush settling on his cheeks as he glared at Fili. “I beg your pardon, but who says I want to leave?” He snapped in irritation, voice sharp and eyes like ice.

“Everything about you!” Fili snapped and jerkily swung his hand through the air into what he must have thought was the direction of Bilbo’s home. 

Bilbo flinched back at Fili’s angry tone, eyes widening. He certainly hadn’t expected that. His mind came to a stuttering halt as it tried to wrap itself around exactly what Fili’s words implied.

Bilbo’s reaction seemed to calm Fili down. He took a shaky breath and shook his head. “But you already left. The fact you want to go back home doesn’t change that. You left. Why, if not for the sole reason that you wanted to leave?”

Bilbo lowered his eyes, giving a non-committal shrug. He pressed his lips together, trying to get his thoughts in order. After a few seconds – when Fili started to fidget impatiently – he sighed. With his eyes still averted he admitted in a soft and slightly dejected voice: “Maybe part of me does want to leave.”

Fili’s expression softened and he gave a light head shake. “And I said there was nothing wrong with that. So why deny it?”

Bilbo took a deep, almost pained breath and his voice cracked slightly when he said: “Because it doesn’t change anything.” He shook his head and closed his eyes. “I can’t leave the Shire.”

Fili frowned. “Because of your mother?”

“Of course!” Bilbo turned to Fili with a small frown, surprised at the question. “What I want... I have to be there for her. She’s been there for me all of my life and I am not going to just... leave her.” He paused and then, perhaps a bit desperately, asked: “You do understand, don’t you?”

“My mother is home in Ered Luin.” Fili said, his jaw slightly clenched and a somewhat sad look in his eyes. 

Frowning slightly, Bilbo wasn’t sure quite what to think. It seemed an awful lot like Fili was evading the question and Bilbo wasn’t certain what to do with this new bit of information. It did get him wondering, though, so he asked: “But doesn’t that... hurt? Doesn’t it make you feel guilty?”

“If you mean to ask if I miss her... then yes, I do.” Fili said honestly, a wry smile on his lips. Then, he shrugged and continued with a slightly firmer voice: “But I don’t feel guilty. She might not have wanted me to go, Mahal knows she absolutely didn’t want Kili to go, but we did. Because this quest is important. This is something that we need to do and while she might not like it, mother understands that.” He shook his head with a chuckle. “She would’ve come too if she could have.”

Bilbo frowned at Fili’s words. It was a surprise to hear him say his mother had wanted to go, although Bilbo knew he shouldn’t be. Dwarves were different from hobbits, after all, and even his own mother would have went along on the quest had she been younger.

“So, you see,” Fili started when Bilbo didn’t reply soon enough. “I don’t think I do understand.”

Bilbo huffed, shaking his head. “If you only look at it from your own point of view, you never will.”

Fili frowned but didn’t say anything, silently urging Bilbo to continue.

“Now, I am not sure what age your mother is. But mine isn’t in her youngest days anymore. In fact she... well, she is old. Besides, your reason to go to Erebor is personal. All of you have a personal reason to go. Me? I don’t have to go, I don’t need to get my home back. And while I do want you all to have your home back, I don’t want to lose mine...” Bilbo said, hoping that Fili understood his explanation. He could go on and on, telling the other that his home wasn’t really the place he lived in. It was his mother, it was the few friends he had, it were the people that might not be there for him anymore if he left on this quest.

Fili watched Bilbo with an unreadable expression that didn’t give away whether he understood or not. His eyes followed Bilbo’s hands as he fidgeted with his fingers. Then he looked up, taking in Bilbo’s downcast eyes and he shook his head with a sigh. “I understand what you will lose by leaving. What I don’t understand, however, is that you want to leave yet you refuse to do so.”

“I have obligations.”

“Is that really what your life is all about? Does your entire life evolve around living up to expectations and fulfilling your obligations?” Fili asked, voice dripping with disappointment and voice sharp.

Bilbo bit his lip, swallowing the lump in his throat away. He hated hearing those words, but he knew he couldn’t deny them. Knew that Fili was right and that that was indeed his entire life in Hobbiton.

Clenching his hands into fists, Bilbo nodded. “Yes,” he admitted, his voice slightly thick from the emotions surging through him. On one hand he felt both annoyed and defensive, because what right did Fili have to analyse him like that? On the other hand, though, he felt very conflicted. There was a hopeful feeling in his chest that he couldn’t quite place. A feeling he’d felt ever since the beginning of this conversation. At first he’d thought it was a mere hope that Fili would easily accept his reasons for leaving. But by now that couldn’t be it anymore.

That’s when realization hit Bilbo, with the speed of farmer Maggot’s loaded cart crashing into a tree at the bottom of a hill. This entire disagreement with Fili... Deep down, from a maybe very selfish part of himself and an adventurous part of his heart, he was trying to get Fili to convince him to go. To give him enough reasons that he just couldn’t say no anymore.

He tilted his head so he could look at Fili, eyes begging slightly. _Please give me enough reasons to leave._


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for the wonderful kudos and feedback! I love you guys <3
> 
> And~ I probably won't update next week. I've got my birthday coming up and I'll be going to France for a few days next weekend. So, depending on how much time I can actually find to write this week (which I assume is very little) I might or might not update.

Fili had been expecting a lot of things when he'd stepped outside to follow Bilbo. One of those expectations had been to find the hobbit in tears over the loss of his parents.

Finding out that Bilbo's mother was in fact still alive and hey, by the way I can't go with you after all hadn't been one of those.

But that was what happened and Fili couldn't help but feel conflicted. 

He had a feeling that Bilbo was right. That someone else would be better as their burglar - Nori would fill that task better than the hobbit sitting next to him. So for the best interest for their quest he should probably nod and say that indeed Bilbo's obligations were more important than this. Go home, go to your mother, _be safe._

But there was also a selfish side of him. A side that had decided Bilbo was a nice guy, sort of cute looking - although the lack of beard needed some getting used to - and definitely someone he liked. And since Kili was the only person he was really close to he desperately wanted someone else along that could keep his mind away from Smaug. Besides, Kili had said to like the hobbit as well - although Fili had a feeling his interest in Bilbo differed from his brother's. That part of him wanted to convince Bilbo to come.

But he couldn't afford to be selfish, could he?

This quest was more important than his feelings. It was worth so much more and he had to think in the best interest of the quest. Of Erebor.

But maybe being selfish was acting in the best interest of their journey. He had to admit Bilbo might not seem like the best guy for the job but when he looked at Bilbo there was at least something. Besides, Gandalf had brought them to Bilbo. He believed Bilbo was suited for this and wasn't the wizard more experienced and knowledgeable in things like this? Wasn't he just following his own intuition and believing Gandalf instead of being selfish when he convinced Bilbo to stay?

It took him a second to realize how ironic the entire situation was.

Here he was, trying to convince himself that convincing Bilbo to go with them was the best choice. Wasn’t that pathetic? He wondered. Didn’t the fact that the both of them needed convincing mean that perhaps it just wasn’t worth it?

Besides, what would his uncle say when Bilbo turned out not to be the burglar Gandalf promised him to be and found out it was Fili who was responsible for the hobbit’s presence in the first place?

Fili resisted the urge to sigh and damn his own mind. There were almost as many reasons to convince Bilbo to come as there were to convince him to just go home.

It didn’t make coming up with something to say any easier. Certainly not now that Bilbo looked almost crestfallen at having admitted his life was nothing but obligations.

It was strange, really, how much he actually cared. He never had before about anyone but his family. But here was this strange hobbit that made him feel guilty for his words with just a single hurt look.

 

Then Bilbo turned to him and when their eyes caught Fili couldn’t help but be taken aback, stunned breathless for a few short seconds.

The raw emotion in those eyes, the begging yet hopeful look.

Fili wasn’t sure quite what to think, or what to feel for that matter. Because the look tugged at his heart in a way he didn’t even dare to think about now. 

So, instead he focused on what the look meant. What Bilbo was silently asking for.

If he were honest, he would have to admit that the pleading look sealed the deal for him, whether he liked it or not. Because no matter how many reasons he could come up with to not convince Bilbo, it didn’t weigh up to the feeling that it wasn’t what they both wanted.

So when he spoke next, it perhaps wasn’t in the best interest of their quest. But he was doing what he wanted to do and to him, that meant the world for living in his uncle’s shadow meant that that didn’t happen often.

“Master Baggins...” Fili started and when he saw a small sliver of hope grow in Bilbo’s eyes, his voice softened. “Bilbo, I understand that your mother means a lot to you. But should you really live your entire life in the shadow of your family? Shouldn’t you live your own life? I mean, your mother probably loves you more than you love her and I can’t imagine any mother wanting her child to... miss out on life.”

He could of course only hope that that comment would convince Bilbo to go with them.

If it didn’t?

Well, then he always had some dirty tricks up his sleeve that he would play straight into Bilbo’s guilty conscience.

\----

When Fili finally spoke, a little voice inside Bilbo was cheering.

It was cheering Fili on, screaming that the other was right and Bilbo should just live his life the way he wanted to.

But there was a small voice, one that was deeply rooted within him and was like a weed. He wanted it to be gone, but couldn’t seem to get rid of it. It was always there, telling him the things he didn’t want to hear. Like that living his life didn’t necessarily mean throwing himself into life danger. That he could do the things he wanted to without being burned by a dragon.

It wasn’t necessarily hesitation, he realized. Because oh, he wanted to go. But it was his upbringing, the hobbit culture and everything he had ever known to be the right thing that was battling with what he now wanted.

And it wasn’t necessarily himself that needed convincing to go. It was everyone else that needed convincing when – if – he came back. It was absolutely ridiculous, but that was what things were like for a hobbit.

 

“You do realize that even though you might not want to, you have to go, right?” Fili suddenly asked. His head was turned to Bilbo and he was looking at the other with a raised expression and a smug expression.

All of Bilbo’s thoughts stuttered to a halt. He frowned at Fili and wondered if the other knew what he was thinking. That he was doubting. The things he said certainly indicated that he did. And maybe Fili did know, because for all Bilbo knew Fili had needed some convincing to go on this quest as well. 

He took a breath and, trying not to feel too excited, asked: “How so?”

Fili smirked, looking very self-satisfied knowing that he had Bilbo right where he wanted him. “Well first off, you are the burglar we need for the job. Gandalf said so himself and while we might doubt him, he is never wrong.”

Bilbo couldn’t help but nod. At least Fili was right, because if there was one thing Bilbo doubted it was Gandalf’s decision to take him.

Fili shrugged. “So, you see, we need you to come. Not only that, but you promised.” Here Fili paused, watching Bilbo with a schooled expression. Then the smugness returned and his lips curled up slightly. “And you signed the contract.”

Bilbo’s eyes widened slightly. _The contract!_ He thought. He had completely forgotten about it, that one piece of paper that with his signature bound him to this quest.

His heart skipped a beat in relief. _Well, now you’ve done it and gotten yourself convinced._ A somewhat sarcastic part of himself spoke up. A part of him that would probably forever whisper for him not to go, that it would be a mistake, that he was going to regret it. _Let’s just hope you come back alive._

It were the whispers of his simple and rather unsatisfying life in Hobbiton. The life he was now going to leave behind.

But before Bilbo could tell Fili this, the other swung his left leg over the bench so he was sitting astride it, startling Bilbo slightly. 

“And if all of that isn’t enough to convince you...” He started and then leaned closer to Bilbo with a smirk. He placed both his palms onto the bench and tilted his head slightly so he could murmur into Bilbo’s ear: “You owe me. And I’d like to collect that open favour now.”

When Fili leaned closer, Bilbo’s breath hitched nervously. The thought _what is he going to do?_ flashed through his mind. But it was washed away by those three words. A shiver raked down his spine, a combination of the husky murmur and Fili’s closeness. 

But strangely enough, he also felt disappointed that Fili had chosen this moment to use them. He might have been anxious to find out what exactly owing Fili meant, but he was curious as well. Certainly considering that he had already been convinced.

So now it was Bilbo’s chance to smile as he said: “Why don’t you save that for the journey.”

Fili looked stunned for a few seconds and then burst out laughing. He clasped Bilbo’s shoulder and shook his head in amusement. “You, master Baggins, are full of surprises.” He then swung his leg back to the front of the bench and stood up. “Let’s go in and celebrate with a drink, aye?” He asked and trotted off.

Bilbo stood up, following Fili with a chuckle. This probably wouldn’t be the last time he doubted his decision. Hardships would come and he would regret leaving. But at least it seemed he was in good company, so it wouldn’t be truly horrible.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much everyone for the kudos and reviews on last chapter! I love you all so much <3
> 
> Here is a chapter in Fili's POV~ Enjoy!

When Fili and Bilbo stepped back inside they received some questioning looks and raised eyebrows. Fili raised an eyebrow in return, challenging anyone in their company to make a remark.

“Fee!” Kili yelled from his seat next to Ori. He had a tankard of ale raised and a wide grin on his face. “I saved ya a drink!”

Fili grinned and jovially slapped Bilbo on the back. “You enjoy yourself a few drinks as well, master Baggins. Mahal knows you deserve it.” He smirked and with that said he was off to join his brother.

He pushed himself in the small open spot between Kili and Ori, whom both wriggled aside a bit to give him more space. He took the ale from Kili with a grin and drowned a big gulp, some of the liquid dripping down his chin as he did so. “Aah, that’s good!”

He lifted his tankard again, about to take another gulp when Kili’s elbow jabbed in his side. He glanced at his brother and made a questioning noise. He then took another gulp of his beer before putting it down to the table and fully looking at Kili.

Kili glanced at Bilbo and then back at Fili, leaning closer to his brother. “What’s up?” His voice was soft, a mere whisper meant only for Fili’s ears and filled with curiosity.

Fili shrugged. “Nothing that isn’t solved now.”

Kili frowned and nudged his brother in the side again. “Fee...” He whined softly, wanting answers.

“Later,” Fili said, his tone ending the conversation for now. Even though he might not have done something wrong, it was best to have this conversation without the entire company present.

Kili sighed dramatically loud. “All right.” He drawled and leaned back, continuing drinking and picking up conversation easily again as if nothing had happened.

Fili shook his head and tipped his drink back again. As he drank, he allowed his eyes to travel to Bilbo.

Bilbo was drinking ale from a mug much smaller than everyone else’s and talking to Bofur with a soft smile on his lips.

Lips which he’d almost kissed just a few minutes ago.

He so didn’t flush at that thought.

But it had been strange. The urge to just lean forward and kiss Bilbo. The hobbit wasn’t the usual type that he had felt attracted to up until now. So far, they had all been strong and fierce. Admittedly, there weren’t many he’d felt attracted to but none of them had been even remotely like Bilbo.

So while it excited him to like Bilbo because it was something new it was also the reason why it confused him. He was a dwarf and moreover, he was the heir of the throne of Erebor. He wasn’t supposed and expected to like soft, insecure and _cute_.

 _But_ , he thought when he watched a smile cross Bilbo’s face, he was unbound and this was a long journey. He could have his fun for however long it would last.

 

Later, as it turned out, wasn’t all that much later per say.

Because it only took roughly half an hour for Kili’s curiosity to get the best of him.

He put down his ale and stood up. Then he took Fili’s mug, put it down and all but dragged him away from the table towards the front door. He waved all the curious glances and raised eyebrows away with: “We’re gonna check on the ponies.” 

Fili just shook his head. This certainly wasn’t one of his brother’s most subtle actions. Although he couldn’t blame Kili. Subtleness just didn’t run in the family.

 

Kili did at least wait with asking questions until they were inside the barn.

He let go of Fili’s hand and turned to his brother with an excited and curious expression. “So?”

Fili rolled his eyes and smirked. “So what?” He teased.

Kili punched Fili in the arm. “Come on, Fee.” 

“Okay, okay.” Fili chuckled. Then he turned his head to quickly check if no-one was coming over to check on them.

Kili huffed. “It can’t be that bad.”

Fili turned back to his brother and shrugged. “Maybe not, but I don’t want everyone to know that an hour ago our burglar was going to go home.”

Kili didn’t react for a few moments. Then he frowned. “What? Master Boggins is going home?”

Fili huffed. “Not anymore.”

Kili’s eyes narrowed. “What happened.” He asked and then quickly added: “What did you do?”

Fili shrugged. “Master Baggins just wanted to go home. For several reasons. So he needed some convincing to come along.”

At this Kili smirked cockily. “Like you?”

Fili shook his head with a sigh. It was so like Kili to bring this up now. “No.” He replied, voice tight and lips in a thin line. “Not like me.”

“How?” Kili frowned. “You didn’t want to go either.”

Fili bit his lip, reminding himself that Kili wasn’t taunting him but was merely curious. “Because Bil- master Baggins actually wanted to go. He had just come up with too many reasons why he couldn’t go.”

A look of realization flickered over Kili’s face and he smirked, amusement clear in his eyes. “And so you gave him some convincing reasons to come in the best interest of the quest?”

Fili’s lips quirked up in a grin. “Of course.”

Kili laughed and shook his head. Then a somewhat lewd grin split his face. “So I can assume you’re spending the night in the hobbit’s room, brother?”

Fili snorted. “Of course not.” He shook his head with a laugh. “I’m not that bad. I have all the way to Erebor to get myself in his bed.”

Kili tilted his head slightly, his grin morphing into a knowing smile. “So that’s how it is.”

Fili didn’t reply.

\---

That night Fili lay awake.

He thought of his mother and how she had told Kili and him that this wasn’t their fight. That they were too young and inexperienced to go. That for Thorin to reclaim the mountain he needed warriors, not kids – even though they weren’t really children anymore.

He had agreed with her, he still did. But he had never stood a chance when Kili started begging and his little brother had played him well indeed.

But he just couldn’t help but feel guilty. For he’d seen the fear in his mother’s eyes when she’d told them that since she didn’t go, they couldn’t either. The betrayal in her posture when she had raged at Thorin when he’d allowed them to go. But worst of all was the heart-break and grief in her eyes when she’d pressed them close to her chest – Kili first – and touched her forehead with theirs in goodbye. 

But what hurt Fili most was that in those last moments of goodbye, he had lied to his mother. Because she’d asked him to keep Kili safe and he’d sworn he would.

But he couldn’t. He knew that for he, too, was inexperienced and even more scared of what was to come than his brother.

It hurt and even though he hadn’t made any promises to keep Bilbo safe he knew he would try. He was the one that had convinced Bilbo to go so he was the one that should at least try to get the hobbit home alive rather than having to bury him under a bed of flowers. The problem was though, that just like with his brother he had the feeling that ‘trying’ wouldn’t be nearly enough.

\---

It was early when Fili woke up.

In fact, it was so early the sun still hadn’t risen completely.

Considering it had taken him quite a few hours to actually fall asleep, he was in a bad mood. A very bad mood, he decided as he stomped his way down the stairs to the common room.

At least Kili was still asleep which Fili considered a small blessing. He was quite certain he wasn’t able to put up with his brother right now.

But when he rounded a corner and walked into the common room, he froze. 

It seemed he wasn’t alone and even though the other had his back turned to him there was absolutely no mistaking about who it was.

Oh how he wished for the company for his brother now, for even Kili was easier to deal with this early in the morning than his uncle.

 

Before Fili got a chance to move – turn around, flee upstairs – Thorin turned and looked over his shoulder.

Thorin’s eyes lit up just the tiniest bit at seeing his nephew, although his expression stayed the same and his voice was as gruff as ever when he said: “Fili, good morning.”

Fili nodded. “Good morning uncle.”

Thorin nodded and turned back to the table. He patted the back of the chair next to his. “Why don’t you join me for breakfast.”

Fili nodded and walked to the table. Breakfast was good. Sitting next to his uncle munching on some delicious sausages or pancakes – preferably both – in silence was a good way to start the morning.

He sat down and noticed that the entire table was already prepared for them. A stack of plats, a heap of cutlery and some mugs. There were also bowls of food – eggs, sausages and, to Fili’s happiness, pancakes – and a few mugs of ale. It seemed a suspicious lot like it had been thrown together quickly and the designated cook had fled – most likely back to bed.

Whatever the case, when Fili started heaping food onto a plate and Thorin handed him a drink everything seemed to be a lot better.

Fili was munching on some pancakes – having already devoured his sausages – when suddenly Thorin asked: “The hobbit, what did he need last night?”

Fili was slightly startled by the question. He’d seen his uncle look at both Bilbo and himself last night with suspicion in his eyes, though, so he berated himself for being caught off guard. Besides, he knew his uncle and in his own way Thorin was just making sure that everything was fine. 

“Nothing,” Fili shook his head and stuffed another bite of pancake into his mouth. He shrugged and – mouth still full with food – said: “He just got a bit upset.”

Thorin made a dismissive sound and shook his head before looking at Fili. “He does not understand us, does not belong with us and will most likely regret coming along the first night spent sleeping on the cold ground.” Thorin said, his words cold and unforgiving. “He will wish to go home a few days from now.” As he finished, Thorin’s voice was low and stern, like he was warning Fili.

Fili caught the warning. He knew what his uncle was saying. 

_Don’t get close._

Fili hummed in reply, nodding his head and then continuing with his breakfast.

Thorin grunted and turned back to his drink and with that, the conversation was over.

Thorin had said what he’d wanted to and Fili was allowed to do as he wanted. 

For now.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have anything to say other than: Thank you all!
> 
> Now enjoy this chapter :)

That morning Bilbo was the last to get out of bed and join the company at the breakfast table. Since they would depart early, this gave him mere minutes to eat his breakfast – which he managed to wolf down within the given time quite impressively.

When Thorin then announced they would be leaving everyone expected Bilbo would complain.

Bilbo didn’t complain. He grabbed his pack – a bit fuller than the morning before due to some thoughtful additions of Grigory – and went to get his pony ready.

When Bilbo had been sneezing almost continuously for half an hour, everyone expected Bilbo to loudly proclaim that he couldn’t ride his pony any longer. That his ass was sore – because even a blind man could see Bilbo was not a rider – and that his allergy wasn’t going to get better so they better walk.

Bilbo, however, merely grabbed his handkerchief and kept it pressed to his nose in the hope it would stop the sneezing. He also reminded himself that while riding was uncomfortable now, it would get better so damn these dwarves. 

When they passed the borders of the Shire to pass into The Old Forrest everyone expected Bilbo to call the company to a halt, to mournfully say he missed his home or claim he was going to turn around and go to said home.

Bilbo didn’t do any of those things. He sighed wistfully, yes. He slowed his pony down just a tad bit and looked around, at the land he’d never left and in his head he said his goodbyes. To his mother, whom he knew he would miss but whom would most likely be the only one to understand his departure. To Hamfast, whom he’d in a letter requested to look after Bag End while he was gone. To life as he knew it, for even if he did not know what was to happen he did know it would change things forever. Then he turned his head back to the road ahead, tipped his chin up just a bit and ignored the looks the others were giving him. Because if there was anything he had learned the day before, it was that showing homesickness to these dwarves would only lower their regard of him. And since he was now stuck with them, that simply wouldn’t do.

 

Bilbo did, however, grow quieter after they had left the Shire behind.

He traded Bofur’s companionship for that of Gandalf’s, riding next to the wizard silently. 

Bilbo’s sullen mood – and the reason for it – was enough for all of the dwarves to leave him alone, for which Bilbo was grateful. He just wanted to get as far away from the Shire as he could without actually thinking of what he was doing. Because if he did, he was afraid he would indeed turn around and go back home.

In an attempt to lighten his mood, Gandalf tried to string up a conversation – telling him about other wizards roaming Middle Earth.

Bilbo went along with it easily, happy for the distracting and chipping in a witty question that got him laughs from all the company – except Gandalf.

That was when Gandalf gave up his attempt to cheer Bilbo up with a shake of his head and a mutter – although his eyes twinkled in amusement.

Bilbo smiled to himself and that was when Bofur turned around on his pony to look at Bilbo. He grinned, dimples in his cheeks, and jovially asked: “So it sounds like ya’ve known the wizard for quite some time.”

Bilbo grinned back. “For as long as I can remember.” He replied and then chuckled. “Why, he has a very bad reputation in the Shire. Did you know? Always causing an uproar! Although the kids love his fireworks. I know I did when I was a little faunt and as tweens my Took cousins and I had a merry try at trying to steal some of the fireworks.”

Bofur smirked. “So ye are a bit of a burglar, eh?” 

An unexpected laugh passed Bilbo’s lips and he shook his head. “I guess I am. Although I must admit I kept it to that one time. The lecture my dad gave me when he found out wasn’t one I wanted to hear again.”

Bofur chuckled. “Sound like the ol’ man wasn’t as adventurous as yerself.”

Bilbo huffed. “Adventurous, my dad?” He shook his head with a chuckle. “My father was the spitting image of propriety. A Baggins through and through. He was the pride of the family until he started courting my mother.” A soft smile crossed Bilbo’s lips. “Now she was adventurous back in her younger days. Going off on adventures with her cousins and, later on, a wizard.” Bilbo glanced at Gandalf, who chuckled. “She’d even been to Rivendell. Told me so many stories of the place and it made my father’s family think she had gone completely mad. She was a real Took. How she could have ever fallen in love with my father and vice-versa, no-one will ever understand.”

Bilbo hadn’t noticed that while he spoke his hands had tightened around the reigns. He hadn’t realized he’d gotten a rather distant expression on his face as he thought of the love between his parents – and what it had done to his mother.

He did notice, however, that all the dwarves had gone silent and were now listening in to his private – with a bunch of dwarves? Who was he kidding! – conversation. That, however, he chose to ignore.

“That’s love fer ya, lad.” Bofur said, sadness in his tone and comfort in the look in his eyes. “Unpredictable to say the least.”

Bilbo resisted the urge to huff. Instead he gave Bofur a nod and a somewhat tight smile. He could hardly tell them all that he disagreed, now couldn’t he? He couldn’t tell them that he thought that love was very predictable. Because in the end, from what he knew love only ever ended in heartbreak.

Realizing that Bilbo wasn’t likely to continue the conversation, most dwarves turned their attention back to their own previous conversations. Bofur winked at Bilbo in a reassuring manner before turning back to pick up conversation with one of his brothers again.

Bilbo continued riding in silence, knowing very well that there was still a pair of eyes resting on him, burning holes in the back of his head.

He ignored it.

\---

It was late that night when they arrived at Bree.

Darkness had fallen hours ago but that hadn’t stopped their travel for the day. They kept going until they reached Bree – because why sleep on the cold floor when an hour further down the road there were beds?

When they entered the inn Bilbo felt uncomfortable straight away.

He was by far the smallest person in a room filled with men and dwarves alike – one more shadier looking than the other. All were drinking and – what Bilbo thought most disturbing – all were watching their company.

It sent shivers down his spine in distrust. 

Suddenly Bofur leaned a bit closer to him, dropping his voice a few notches as he said: “They’re all not as bad as they look.”

Bilbo kept his gaze fixed on Thorin’s back – who was currently talking to the inn owner about their sleeping arrangements. “Are you sure? They say looks can be deceiving but with this crowd I am not so sure.”

Bofur laughed, although there was little humour in it. “M’thinks they’re a lot like us. P’ple without a home, ya know? Not the most decent looking folk, but certainly not unkind.”

Bilbo allowed his eyes to roam around the room and couldn’t help but think that the bunch of dwarves looked a lot more decent then any of the other shady figures. But then again, what did he know of not having a home?

 

Mere seconds later Thorin announced that they had a place to sleep for the night.

They were up in their rooms in seconds although the arrangement of dwarves – and Hobbit, as Gandalf had his own room – per room did stir up some mutters.

Three available rooms, thirteen dwarves. It was an even tighter fit than Bilbo’s smial had been.

He ended up sharing with Thorin, Fili and Kili. Of course there had only been two beds and a couch. So of course he had offered to take the floor – not only because Thorin was glaring at him while saying someone better take the floor, thank you very much.

He started preparing his make-shift bed straight away, not in the least surprised when the three dwarves went downstairs for a drink. 

Dwarves and their ale. 

Bilbo just shook his head and continued tossing a few blankets around on the ground – at least there was a rug in front of the fireplace – until he was satisfied. 

He took off almost all his clothing until he was wearing his under-shirt and under-pants. He folded each item carefully, hoping to keep the wrinkles out of it for as long as possible and then placed them next to his pack.

He lay down, snuggling into his nest of blankets. He might be a blanket short to actually cover himself with but at least he couldn’t feel the hardness of the ground now. 

He closed his eyes to sleep.

But sleep didn’t come.

Here in this dark room, with men and dwarves alike drinking and laughing below him he couldn’t help but just want to go home. He felt a mix of guilt and anger and he wasn’t sure which of these feelings was more justified.

 

Suddenly the door creaked open, a person entering and closing the door again.

“Master Baggins?” Fili’s voice was but a whisper, but increadibly loud to Bilbo’s ears in the room that now felt too small.

He closed his eyes, not moving a muscle and feigning sleep.

Fili

Fili who was responsible for him coming along. Responsible for him leaving his home behind. Fili who had talked him into madness and in leaving his mother. Fili who had been looking at him worriedly all day. Fili, whom Bilbo had ignored all day in return because he didn’t know what he felt towards the dwarf at the moment. Fili was kind and fun but right now all Bilbo felt was anger. Anger that Fili perhaps didn’t deserve, but he couldn’t force the feeling away. So he ignored, for then at least he couldn’t say the wrong thing.

Fili cleared his throat. “We are having drinks downstairs and I was hoping you might wish to join us.” He sounded hesitant, voice softer than usual.

Bilbo kept his eyes closed, his body still and prayed that Fili would just leave.

He couldn’t talk to him right now. Not until he knew whether or not he was truly angry or just homesick.

A disappointed sigh filled the room. Then, Bilbo heard Fili shuffle around without a word.

He resisted the urge to look over his shoulder to see what the other was doing.

When suddenly a blanket was draped over him, he tensed.

A soft, humourless laugh passed Fili’s lips. If he had had any doubts about Bilbo being asleep, they were taken away by his single act of kindness. “Good night, master Baggins.”

When the door clicked close after Fili left, Bilbo didn’t have a problem identifying the emotion curling in his gut as guilt.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy <3

The first part of the next day was spent in relative silence on Bilbo's part.

He was in a sour mood, having slept very little and still battling his own feelings. So consumed in his thoughts, he hadn't initiated any conversations, only answering the questions Bofur and Ori asked him.

They asked quite a few questions about him and his life in the Shire. Bilbo appreciated the fact that questions about his family weren’t asked. But, when Ori asked a few questions about hobbits and their food Bilbo’s mood had gotten considerably better. He’d perked up and enthusiastically had started telling about food in great detail. From family recipes to price-tomatoes. By the time he finished his story, almost the entire company was listening and all were hungry. At that point some of the others joined in on the conversation, telling Bilbo of their favourite dishes.

Fili didn’t join in.

Bilbo _wasn’t_ disappointed.

\---

That night was the first night after leaving Bilbo's home that the company slept outside.

If Bilbo had thought his guilt towards Fili had ruined his night in Bree, well, that had been nothing compared to sleeping on the cold, hard and unforgiving ground. It wasn't so much the lack of feather mattress that kept him awake. True, the ground was a hard surface to sleep on but he could deal with that. What, however, did keep him awake was the cold. Temperatures dropped considerably the moment the sun was gone and no matter what he tried he couldn't keep warm.

That was of course the reason why the dwarves had laid their bedrolls together with family. At first he thought it was just because family slept together. But now he realized that perhaps Dwalin wasn't sleeping so close to Balin because they were brothers but to keep themselves from feeling the cold.

It was as understandable as it was desirable.

But Bilbo didn't have any family here and he surely wasn't going to approach one of the dwarves for a cuddle! He would die of embarrassment and if he were to chose, the cold was a lot more bearable than any amount of jokes he would likely have to suffer through.

He clenched his eyes closed, all but crawled into his blanket and barely kept his teeth from clattering as he was certain he’d freeze overnight.

 

When he woke up, Bilbo was actually quite surprised.

Last night he hadn’t expected to actually sleep at all. But as it seemed eventually the snores of the dwarves and his own exhaustion had lulled him asleep even though the cold.

He stood up, wincing as almost every muscle in his body was sore due to the cold ground. He stretched and then rolled his blanket before stuffing it into his pack.  
He took a look around the camp, where everyone was preparing their packs. When his eyes passed Fili and Kili he could see the two watching them, Fili with an unreadable expression and Kili with a frown. 

He swallowed – _not guilty_ – and turned his head away. 

He best ask Bombur if he wanted some help with breakfast.

\---

The next night, Bilbo made sure to place his bedroll just a tad bit closer to the campfire.

Not too close, for he was wary and afraid that his blanket might catch fire during the night and he couldn’t be sure any of the dwarves would actually put out the fire.

Thorin must’ve noticed, Bilbo later concluded bitterly. Because while the night before the fire had burned all through the night, that night it hadn’t. Almost two hours after the sun had gone down, he had ordered no more wood to be added to the fire. It was best to not attract anything – be it animals or travellers – to their camp, or so he had reasoned. But Bilbo had felt Thorin’s eyes on him and was quite certain the dwarf would like to see him go another night without sleep.

So even though he was sleeping near the fire, he couldn’t say that the temperature was any higher than it had been the night before.

He gritted his teeth, closed his eyes and hoped the snores of the dwarves would get through the cold and lull him to sleep again.

 

He’d been only on the ground for half an hour at the most when he was shivering already.

Suddenly, he heard some shuffling followed by a familiar voice, as usual hinted with a hint of both amusement and affection. “Master Baggins?”

Bilbo blinked and sat up, a small smile on his lips. “Bilbo’s fine, Bofur.”

Bofur nodded with a twinkle in his eyes, lips curling up into his trademark smile. “Bilbo,” he then started with a chuckle. “I couldn't help but notice ye’re shivering.” He then said with a raised eyebrow.

Bilbo flushed, only slightly, and averted his eyes. “Nothing to worry about.”

Bofur laughed and shook his head. “’m ‘fraid that if I hear ya teeth clatter I’m rather worried.”

Bilbo felt his blush spread over his cheeks until he was certain his entire face was burning from embarrassment. “Sorry.” He mumbled. “Didn’t mean to disturb anyone.”

Bofur shook his head. “No worries, lad. Is jus’ that we didn't realize ye might not be used to all this, sleeping outside and all that.”

Bilbo looked up and smiled at Bofur. Even though the words were a punch to the gut - especially considering Thorin was most likely listening to the conversation - he knew Bofur wasn’t trying to be mean. “You didn't realize?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

Bofur chuckled at that. “Well, we might’a forgotten a bit.” He then waved his hand in the air and grinned. “In any way, we noticed ye were cold and since I don’t want ye to freeze, I’d like to offer ye this.’ Bofur explained and handed Bilbo a blanket.

Bilbo blinked and looked up at Bofur with a small frown. “Oh no, I couldn't.” He said and shook his head.

Bofur laughed. "No worries, Bilbo. I wouldn't be offering if I couldn't spare it. 'Sides, I've got me brothers to sleep next to. Ye're just on yer own."

Bilbo hesitated. He wanted to and besides, it didn't matter what the others thought did it? Everyone knew he was cold and at least Bofur was offering him something to protect him from it.

"It'd make my night much more comfortable if ye'd take the blanket." Bofur said and then winked. "Is an awful feeling, thinking ye're freezing."

Bilbo took the blanket gratefully and chuckled. "Well, all right then. If only to not keep all of you from sleeping with my... shivering."

"Good," Bofur nodded and then turned to walk off. "You have a good night, Bilbo."

Bilbo smiled. "You too," he said and then tugged the blanket he'd just received around him.

He lied down, snuggling into his nest of now two blankets and an overcoat. It wasn't his bed back at Bag-End. It wasn't even half as warm as his home had been. But it was better than before and the extra layer and thought that at least _someone_ cared lulled him to sleep that night.

\---

He yawned widely, sitting on a log and enjoying his breakfast - however little he had. He'd been quite late in waking up, thus there being little breakfast left as the others had already taken their share. If that had happened the morning before he would have been irritated, his mood ruined for the rest of the day. But with him actually having slept a few hours he couldn't really find himself to care too much.

When suddenly someone sat down next to him he startled slight, hands tightening around the bowl to keep something from spilling over.

He looked to his right and found Kili looking at him with a grin, although his eyes weren't showing any sign of amusement. "Good morning, Kili."

"Master Boggins." Kili greeted in reply and put his hands on the log, leaning back and looking up at the sky with a sigh. The grin was still on his lips, even though his voice was laced with protectiveness and a slight anger as he spoke. "You are ignoring my brother."

Bilbo frowned. He couldn’t deny that he hadn’t been, but he hadn’t expected Kili to speak out.

“I don’t like it.” Kili continued, eyes still on the sky.

Bilbo glared. Well, he didn’t like being told off by the _younger_ brother of the person he was ignoring, so they were even on that scale. And if Kili – or Fili, for that matter – thought that this conversation would change _anything_ he was dreadfully wrong.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slightly (only slightly) longer chapter! I don't even know what I'm doing right now but it will all be fine... Eventually!

Bilbo bristled, feeling angry and defensive. What was this anyway? First Thorin treats him like dirt and now Kili is scolding him? It angered him, for he hadn't done anything. Ignoring Fili might not be the most mature of things he could do, but it wasn't that bad. Besides, the dwarf had it coming so didn't both Kili and Thorin see it was Fili's own fault? He was the one asking - no, begging - Bilbo along.

Although _you_ didn't quite mind, now did you? His subconscious asked, although he refused to listen to it.

Bilbo glanced at Kili and immediately felt annoyed at the smug look he carried on his face. So the dwarf thought Bilbo was shyly accepting this scolding?

He huffed and, absolutely refusing to think of his manners, tartly said: "Yet it doesn't concern you, now does it."

Kili blinked, looking stunned for a few seconds before he turned his eyes to Bilbo with a frown on his face, mask of innocence gone all of a sudden. " _My_ brother is currently in a piss-poor mood, hardly talks and sulks like a kid that got his toy taken away. Considering he isn't only ruining my day, but is also _family_ I would say it is very much concerns me."

Bilbo had to admit - silently to himself - that if he were in Kili's situation he'd be rather irritated too. But that didn't mean Kili should be talking to and blaming him about it! "So shouldn't you be talking to your brother considering he is the one in a sour mood?" Bilbo shot back, his internal Baggins screaming bloody murder at the lack of respect.

Kili's look seemed to darken a bit, like every contradicting word Bilbo spoke was as unexpected as it was unwanted. "Yet you are the source, so here I am."

Bilbo immediately had a bad feeling about it. Perhaps it was quite obvious that he was the reason for Fili's mood but Kili spoke with such conviction and accusation. Almost like he knew more than he could have by merely observing.

Bilbo glanced at Fili, who was very busy doing something other than looking at them. Oh Bilbo knew how Kili knew... 

He took a breath - no use losing his calm - and looked at Kili. "And you are certain of that because...?"

Kili smirked."Because I know what happened, master Boggins."

"Oh, indeed? So you know of everything we discussed. Every word that was spoken and all the things told to one another in the faith it would remain amongst the two of us? If so, master Kili, I must admit you dwarves are not as honourable as I thought you were for certainly no-one was listening to our conversation meaning Fili himself must have told you." He said, an angry flush settling on his cheeks and his hands shook around the bowl he was holding. "It would do you well not to stick your nose into any other's business than your own. And tell that brother of yours he best keep his mouth shut about the things told to him in privacy." With that said, Bilbo stood up, looking down at Kili. "Now if you'll excuse me, I think it's time someone starts cleaning the rubbish from breakfast."

Bilbo walked away, only making it a few steps before a hand closed around his arm, stopping him dead in his tracks.

He froze, eyes slightly widened and he turned to look at Kili, whose grip on his arm tightened. A few dwarves were by now looking at them curiously.

"Now you hold a moment. I wasn't done yet." Kili said, his eyes glaring and his tone matching his eyes.

Bilbo huffed and pulled his arm away, out of the other's grasp. "But I am.”

"But - " Kili started, only to be interrupted by Thorin.

"Enough!" Thorin angrily said.

Bilbo had to admit he felt a wave of relief that that. Not only because it shut Kili up but also because it showed that Thorin didn't consider him dirt. 

Then, however, Thorin's eyes turned to him and the disapproval in his gaze made Bilbo's blood run cold for a second.

"I would appreciate it if the two of you didn't disturb the peace this morning." Thorin said, voice as authoritative as ever and while he might've spoken words that seemed to address the both of them, Bilbo couldn't help but feel it was solely him Thorin was talking to.

As Kili skipped away, joining his brother and talking to him in a hushed voice, Bilbo couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever wronged the Durin family in a past life. It would seem so, for he couldn't for the live of him think of what else he could have done to make them treat him this way otherwise.

\---

That night they camped at Weathertop.

They’d found the edge of a cliff where the ground was flat and shielded by the mountain on one side and boulders on most others. It was perfectly safe and after Gloin mentioned that – along with the fact a fire would be appreciated – Thorin allowed a fire throughout the night.

Bilbo felt very grateful – didn’t go as far as thanking Gloin since the other hadn’t done it for him.

 

He was preparing his bedroll, wanting to have it done before dinner so he could just go to sleep whenever he wanted.

He was almost done when Bofur walked up to him.

“Hello,” he greeted the other with a small smile, sitting up on his knees. Bofur was holding a blanket – the same one he’d lent to Bilbo the night before. 

“’lo. Ye gave me this in tha morning.” He said, nodding to the blanket in his hands.

Bilbo shrugged. “Of course I did. Thanks for lending it to me, though. I really did sleep better last night.”

“Aye, we noticed.” Bofur laughed. “Ye were in a much better mood today.”

Bilbo flushed a bit at the light teasing. He could hardly deny the truth. "Sleep tends to do that, yes."

Bofur chuckled. "Aye it does. Makes me wonder why ye gave me back me blanket anyway."

Bilbo frowned a bit. "Well, you'd only lent it to me and -" Suddenly he broke off, something having hit him in the head, fabric falling over his head and eyes blocking his view. "Hey!" He cried in surprise, reaching up quickly and tugging the blanket off of his head.

He looked around, bewildered and hair sticking out at odd angles.

"Your niceties will not serve you well on this journey, master Baggins." Fili said, a smirk on his lips.

Bilbo turned to the dwarf with a glare. How rude! "Well excuse me if I think one ought to have at least some good manners."

Fili stood up and shook his head. "Not if good manners will get you frozen. Keep the blanket, it's best you not freeze before we actually arrive at Erebor." He then turned around and made his way over to where his uncle was talking with Dwalin.

Bilbo huffed, cheeks puffing out a bit and he crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Well have I ever!"

Bofur chuckled - albeit a bit more awkwardly than normally - and shrugged. "Well, at least ye have a blanket now, eh?"

Bilbo shrugged. "He could've been more polite about it though. You were already offering so it wasn't needed either."

Bofur glanced at Fili and then looked back at Bilbo with a small smile on his lips. "A blanket 's a blanket. Ye should be happy." He winked.

"I guess," Bilbo resisted the urge to pout.

"C'mon, put yer stuff down and let's get us some food." Bofur said, still smiling.

Bilbo could only oblige, putting down his stuff and joining the others. He ended up spending a relatively nice evening almost clenched between Bofur and Bombur.

 

After a few hours of smoking and chatting around the fire people started turning in one by one. When Bombur went to sleep for the night, Bofur simply said he’d come later and got a little piece of wood and a carving knife out of his pack. He said he was just making something small to easy his mind before he went to sleep.

Bilbo could relate. If only he had a book to read before going to sleep, that would surely help.

He didn’t have a book though, so instead he went to the only source of silent comfort he could think of.

Myrtle.

 

“Hello, girl. That’s a good girl. It’s our little secret, Myrtle; you must tell no one.” Bilbo patted Myrtle’s head with a small smile. With his other hand he held out an apple for her to munch on. She might be a pony, but even ponies needed food. Besides, she was the only one being nice to him, although Bofur was turning out to be a good friend 

Suddenly a shrill scream echoed through the night air, bouncing against the wall behind Bilbo and the hairs on the back of his neck stood up in alarm and slight fear, his blood running cold for a few seconds.

He swallowed, gave Myrtle a somewhat shaky pat and - feeling the need to be surrounded by warmth and light - made his way back to the fire in a rush.

There, he found Fili and Kili and his worry of what he'd just heard easily got through his anger towards them. Looking at the brothers, he asked: “What was that?”

Not unsurprising, Kili raised his head. “Orcs.” He said, his tone deadpan and he closely watched Bilbo's reaction with slight humor. 

Another scream cut through the sky. It made Bilbo's skin crawl and shiver visibly. “Orcs?” He asked, voice more squeaky than he'd liked and his nervousness causing it to waver slightly, which seemed to amuse Kili more than Bilbo thought it should.

Fili turned to look at Bilbo, an unreadable expression on his face and he shrugged, off-handedly saying: “Throat-cutters. There’ll be dozens of them out there. The lowlands are crawling with them.”

The words felt like a punch to the gut for Bilbo, who had the feeling that Fili was merely saying this as a way to get back at him. He clenched his hands into fists, reminding himself that he was doing the same to Fili so he shouldn't act so hypocrite.

“They strike in the wee small hours, when everyone’s asleep." Kili was quick to continue. His eyes resting on Bilbo constantly, challenging him to be brave. To not show the brothers how utterly terrified he truly was of the idea of running into an Orc - or two! "Quick and quiet; no screams, just lots of blood.”

Bilbo took a stuttering breath, unable to hold Kili's gaze with those words - and the images they produced - swarming through his head. He looked down.

When Fili and Kili started laughing at him, he felt both embarrassment and anger bubble within him. Had he considered Fili nice? Surely, he had been mistaken! He thought as he looked up at the two with a hurt glare. Both were insufferable and mean, especially now! True, he didn't know them that well but this kind of attitude wasn't one he had expected.

“You think that’s funny?" Thorin's voice suddenly cut through the air, startling Bilbo slightly.

He turned around and saw that Thorin was watching his nephews with an angry glare, old hurt shining behind his eyes. Even though he far from liked the would-be king and knew that feeling was returned, he could not help but feel a tug at his heart and wonder what the dwarf had gone through. 

Thorin, however, took no notice of Bilbo and instead continued to scold his nephews for their thoughtless words meant in jest. "You think a night raid by orcs is a joke?”

Fili lowered his eyes, looking regretful as he gave a small shake of his head at his uncle's words.

Kili's eyes flickered over to Bilbo before he looked at his uncle, a regretful expression on his face although Bilbo caught the flicker of amusement in his eyes when Kili'd been looking at him. “We didn’t mean anything by it.” He mumbled softly.

Bilbo resisted the urge to huff. Remembering the looks and laughs he'd received when Kili and Fili had spoken, he was quite sure _that_ wasn’t the truth.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoooo, progress! <3

After a few days of travelling Fili could conclude a few things.

First, things were not going according to plan. Or, well, he didn’t really have a plan but he was certain if he’d had one, this wouldn’t be happening. So no, it all wasn’t as he’d expected it to be.

Secondly, Bilbo Baggins was being unfair and just a total fool - albeit an overly polite one. Ignoring him was bad enough. But then, when he tried to do something nice by giving Bilbo his blanket - just to be nice, certainly not because Bofur was also offering - he got a glare and snappy reply in return. It was as aggravating as it was hurtful. He'd thought the two of them got along - although he did hope they would get along in other ways, too. But Bilbo seemed to be too much at war with himself about his choice to be able to not be angry at Fili. Which brought Fili to the third conclusion.

Because Fili did not feel guilty for talking Bilbo into going along on this journey. He simply didn't and no, he also wasn't feeling at least a little relieved not to be talking to Bilbo right now. Because he did the good thing by asking Bilbo along and no sulky looks, sad eyes and glances over a shoulder could change that. The fact Bilbo was shivering at night and bleary-eyed during the day did not make Fili avert his eyes and he certainly didn't feel responsible. And when he saw that Bilbo could hardly take care of himself in the wild and when it became painfully obvious the only weapon he knew how to wield was a teapot, he didn't worry. He didn't. Because if Bilbo was comfortable ignoring Fili for asking him along than Fili was very comfortable ignoring the fact he had asked Bilbo along.

And if that made him grumpy... well, then others would just have to deal. Even Kili. Especially Kili, who was a meddling twit that shouldn’t have spoke to Bilbo about Fili's mood in the first place – no matter how much Fili had asked him to. Kili should have had the brains to know he’d merely been complaining and not asking for his little brother to sort out his... complicated situation with the hobbit. Fili had felt grateful for a few seconds, when he'd seen Kili sit down next to Bilbo. But the moment he'd seen the hobbits expression he knew Kili's plan would backfire and that he would be the one to suffer from it.

So after only a few days of travelling Fili had gained a friend, fucked up the friendship and now he needed to fix it. Because whether he liked it or not, it seemed hobbits were even more stubborn than dwarves. 

It was a good thing Fili’d always liked a challenge.

\---

A chance opening to solve his problem by talking to Bilbo arose the day after they camped at Weathertop.

The weather was good, the terrain easy and their surroundings quite peaceful. 

It was a few hours past noon and with the chances of a fire that night high, Fili and Kili were sent out to hunt. Nothing too big, for they wouldn’t be able to carry it along but some game wasn’t unwanted.

Kili, excited as always, was off first but Fili didn’t leave straight away. Instead, he let his eyes wander over to Bilbo and then looked at his uncle, who frowned at him.

“We should take the hobbit. Some lessons in hunting might do him good.” He explained.

Thorin’s frown deepened and his eyes immediately swept over to Bilbo.

Bilbo, who was trying to hide himself from view and looked very nervous all of a sudden. “W-well, I will have you know I do know... I mean, I _have_ hunted. So thanks, but no thanks. It is quite –”

“Go.” Thorin interrupted suddenly. When Bilbo started spluttering, Thorin smirked. It was a dangerous smirk, Fili knew and he swallowed, hoping he hadn’t just set Bilbo up for disaster. “We have yet to see any of your skills, master Baggins. Hunting with my nephews is a good idea, certainly if you can, as you say, hunt.”

Bilbo's expression fell slightly, glaring at Fili with accusation in his eyes.

_Oh,_ Fili thought. _Maybe this wasn't such a good idea_. But it was too late to take his words back and even though Bilbo was glaring now he was quite certain it would all turn out fine in the end.

"I have nothing to hunt with." Bilbo pointed out, crossing his arms in front of his chest defiantly.

Fili couldn't help but chuckle at how completely stubborn Bilbo was being with them all the time. It was quite cute and at the same time quite daring because there were few to refuse Thorin like this. But here Bilbo was, acting like it was the most normal thing in the world - and completely not realize it wasn't putting him in any of Thorin's good favours - and Fili just couldn't help but like it.

"No worries, master Baggins." Fili cut in, speaking quickly before his uncle could step in with a snide remark. It was something his uncle seemed prone to doing to the hobbit, having decided he didn't like him and refusing to make any other kind of effort from his part. It worried Fili, but there was hardly anything he could do about it. "Kili and myself have enough for the three of us. You can use one of my knives if you wish." He offered.

"Yeah, 'cause ye dun't want 'im to use ya axe! Who knows who 'e'd kill." Dwalin laughed and the others chuckled.

Fili resisted the urge to laugh - it really wouldn't do to offend Bilbo now - and glanced at Bilbo. He was looking at Dwalin with a frown although his lips was twitched up a bit, showing the hints of a smile - a sign Bilbo himself wasn't too overfly fond of using an axe.

"He can use one of your knives." Thorin said with a nod to Fili. "And do try to keep up with us. Having to wait on you three all the time will only slow us down."

Fili nodded, very well aware his uncle was warning him to keep an close eye on Bilbo. "We will," he said and then turned to Bilbo beckoning him over. "Let's go, master Baggins. Kili is waiting."

 

As it turned out, Bilbo hadn't been lying when he'd claimed he had hunted before.

Fili, having expected nothing at all found himself a bit impressed with the hobbit's skills. Especially the fact he was so silent on his feet was astounding. Sure, it was a bit ridiculous that Bilbo had a hard time killing a rabbit. But he could sneak up to the rabbit and catch it.

Kili was very childish about the whole thing. Chuckling when Bilbo tripped and rolling his eyes when Bilbo didn't dare to snap the bunny's neck.

When they settled down to have a bite to eat, Kili looked at Bilbo with a smirk. "So, are you considered a good hunter in the Shire, master Baggins?"

Bilbo lowered the bread he was eating to look at Kili with a raised eyebrow. "Why? Because to your standards I'm not?" He asked although there was no heat or anger behind his words.

Fili couldn’t help but smirk at his brother’s dumbfound look. It was quite obvious Kili hadn’t expected the reply.

“Well...” Kili started and trailed off, looking for words. He looked at Fili – who ignored him – and then at Bilbo again.

But Bilbo just shook his head with a laugh. “I might not be any good taken by you standards, but in the Shire I was with the best.”

"Really?" Kili asked, suddenly curious. He always was like that. Playing the fool part and just having fun until he ran into something that caught his interest. Then, he would get serious and curious. Dwarf history wasn't one of the subjects that interested Kili. Hunting, however - or the Hobbit's lack thereof it seemed - was.

Fili had to admit that he shared Kili's curiosity. Sure, Bilbo could hunt but that's where it ended. He wasn't any good and saying he was the considered one of the best in the Shire, it must mean they hunt little. It made Fili curious to their way of living as he'd never known anything other than having to hunt for the meat you wanted.

"Yes, hobbits aren't hunters for the simple fact that we don't need to be." Bilbo shrugged and Fili couldn't help but notice how peaceful Bilbo looked thinking about the Shire. “Our land is very fertile so we are famers by nature. The Shire is a peaceful place, we aren’t plagued by the evil that befalls others, like Erebor. We have had some tough years…” He trailed off for a few moments.

In those seconds, Bilbo looked lost and forlorn and Fili glanced at his brother. The both of them wondered what had happened in the Shire during those “tough years”. It might be little by their standards but judging by Bilbo’s expression it had truly been hard on the hobbits. They didn’t dare ask, however. 

Bilbo cleared his throat. “In any case, we have an easy life. We use the land we have and have no need for hunting. Or fighting, for that matter. Really, only the Tooks ever hunt and even with them it’s far and in-between.” He chuckled. 

Kili frowned. “Tooks?”

Bilbo nodded. “My mother’s family. They are what all other hobbits would call a peculiar bunch. Traveling, hunting, they are known to be quite adventurous and as a hobbit that is never a good thing!” He laughed and shook his head. “Hobbits don’t like things out of the ordinary. As long as it’s simple and routine, life is good.”

Fili lowered his eyes, feeling guilty. It was nice that Bilbo was talking. It was what he wanted, for Bilbo to stop ignoring him. But it only made him feel more guilty.

Meanwhile, Kili’s eyes were big and he was looking at Bilbo in surprise, a newfound respect starting to show in his eyes. “So what happens when you go back home, I mean, if traveling is such a… not good thing.”

Bilbo shrugged with a sigh. “I’ll be an outcast most likely.” He said and then gave a somewhat hollow laugh. He looked like he wanted to add something, but swallowed instead.

Fili wondered what it could be that was on Bilbo’s mind that he didn’t wish to share.

“What, really?” Kili sounded stunned.

“Well, yes. But I knew that when I left.” Bilbo sighed. “I’ve felt bad about leaving and I’ve had many doubts. But I chose to leave, you all didn’t force me. I could’ve said no.” He explained, his voice soft and slightly melancholic.

Kili had lowered his eyes, almost like it was only now he realized exactly what Bilbo had given up by leaving.

Fili, however, clenched his hands into fists. He felt the guilt in him ease little by little at Bilbo’s words, which he was convinced were spoken just for him even though Bilbo wasn’t looking at him.

Bilbo took a breath and raised his head, leaning his head against the trunk of the tree and looking up at the sky. “I might still regret coming along, with my mother back in the Shire…” He trailed off, lips quirking downwards into a sad smile for a moment. “But this is the decision I made and I would be a shame to both my mother and father if I didn’t try to make the best of it.”

Silence fell over them.

After a few seconds Fili glanced up at Bilbo, only to find the other looking at him. When their eyes caught, Bilbo’s gave Fili a somber smile. Fili returned the gesture, his breath stuck in his throat.

This was good.

With Bilbo forgiving him, Fili could start forgiving himself and finally start his personal mission to get on Bilbo’s good side. Although where before he might’ve thought it was a night in the hay he wished with Bilbo, he now knew what he wanted was a lot more than that. He wasn’t sure to be happy or scared.

He guessed he’d find out.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can only say that even though I have a red line in this fic, it SO writes itself! Which is, I think, a good thing but sort of frightening too...
> 
> Enjoy, in any case.
> 
> ALSO!
> 
> I'll be going on holiday for 8 days on the 12th of September. I'll be doing something on [my Tumblr](http://chinadollysgraveyard.tumblr.com/) while I'm gone. It's got to do with writing prompts and there will be 8 lucky persons getting something ~ as I'm gone for 8 days! I'll post the sign-up post today (or tomorrow!), just to let you all know...
> 
> AND if anyone has any scenes/things they'd love to see happning in this fic let me know! I only have a red lining so there is room for scenes you guys would love to see (if I agree, of course, which I probably will because you guys are awesome)~

During the days that followed the company traveled far and safely.

They traveled through a forest, with slopes riddled with stones and unsteady paths. All the while a continuous stream of rain fell from the skies, drenching them to the bone and ruining their good moods.

They rode over wide-spread grass planes with grass that wasn’t green but neither yellow, with little shelter yet no immediate danger either. 

Sometimes there was a fire, sometimes there wasn’t. The wood in the forest had been too wet to form a fire without smoking signals up in the air all the way back to Bree. On the planes Thorin only allowed a fire when they came across the stray group of boulders.

It made Bilbo all the more grateful for the blanket Fili had so rudely given him.

After their little hunting trip, the contact between Fili, Kili and Bilbo had changed. 

Everyone noticed how Bilbo didn’t ignore Fili anymore and how it brightened the other’s mood. That in turn made Kili warm up to their burglar and ask questions whenever he could. Whenever the brothers were sent out to scout or hunt, Bilbo would ride with Gandalf or Bofur – who was by now someone who Bilbo considered a good friend. All was good and even Thorin seemed to be in better spirits - although he didn't regard Bilbo with any more respect than before.

 

That night they settled down at the remains of what used to be a farm. Why the family wasn't there anymore and how the house had gotten to be in the state it was in, no-one knew. Yet no-one but the wizard seemed to care and it was a good night with their camp reasonably sheltered, a fire and a good stew.

Of course Fili and Kili were told to look after the ponies. While normally some time alone with his brother to horse around would be fun, Fili had hoped to spend some time with Bilbo. The hobbit had offered his help with dinner and if there was one thing Fili had come to enjoy, it was watching Bilbo cook. His discussions with Bombur could become heated but it was apparent that both learned much about food and spices from the other all the same. It was adorable and entertaining plus it also gave Fili the opportunity to learn more about Bilbo without being obvious.

 

"Are you even listening?" Kili suddenly asked, jabbing Fili in the side.

Fili glared at his brother. "Of course." He lied.

Kili snorted. "Liar." He shook his head but he was smiling nonetheless. Then he wagged his eyebrows and his smile morphed into a smirk. "Thinking about or burglar, eh?"

Fili shrugged - really, he could hardly deny it - and was unable to keep the stupid grin from his face.

Kili laughed. "You ought to be, with him already halfway into your bed. But only because you _gave_ him half your bed!" He laughed and shook his head. "Why did you do that anyway? I mean, the hobbit isn't so bad but it's not like you actually _care_ , right?"

Fili could only blink at the question. It wasn't like he cared? Well, it was true that in the beginning he'd found Bilbo alluring for the sole fact he wished to spend a night with him. But now, or even a few days ago when he'd given his blanket to the hobbit, it wasn't just that anymore. It was strange, how a creature like Bilbo Baggins could take him so much by surprise. But he had and Fili did care now.

Kili needed no words to come to the same conclusion. The two of them had always understood each other's facial expressions without even trying. And Fili's face couldn't be more obvious. For a moment, he stared at his brother with big disbelieving eyes. Then, he burst: "What? Are you kidding me... You _care_ about him? How... I mean, why? Just... _the hobbit_?" He shrieked softly at the end.

Fili snorted. "As eloquent as ever I hear, brother."

“Yes, well…” Kili trailed off and shrugged a bit sheepishly. “It is rather surprising news.”

Fili raised an eyebrow. “Is it?” He shot back, thinking about the chat he’d had with Kili in the barn in the Shire. It couldn’t be that unexpected to his brother, could it?

Kili frowned, crossing his hands across his chest and tapping his upper-arm with his fingers. “Depends, I guess.” He said seriously and looked at Fili. “Do you want to court him?”

Taken aback by the question, Fili could only stare at his brother. If he wanted to court the hobbit. 

_Yes!_ A small voice in the back of his mind yelled. But he pushed it down straight away, the conviction of the statement taking him by surprise and scaring him. He knew – as did Kili – that there was only one person in his life he would _willingly_ court. 

His One.

But Fili didn’t want Bilbo to be his One. Sure, he liked Bilbo and would love to spend more time with the hobbit than a mere night. But to want to court Bilbo?

 _Yes_ , the same part of his mind provided but the rest of his being was firmly set against it. Not only would Bilbo never be fit for life as dwarven royalty in Fili’s eyes, he was also not a dwarf.

It was the last part especially that made Fili convinced that he didn’t want to court Bilbo, for how could he be his One if he wasn’t a dwarf? Matches between a dwarf and someone from another race were especially rare and usually ended in heartbreak. For the other races didn’t love like they did. Their hearts were fickle, easily swayed and they could love multiple times in their lives. A love between a dwarf and someone that wasn’t, was always doomed. And he was Fili of the line of Durin, heir to the throne of Erebor. Fate would not be so cruel as to bestow such a love upon him, surely.

So while he liked Bilbo, would be very happy to have something with Bilbo on the road and maybe after, he was very firm self-assured when he said: "No, I do not wish to court him."

Relief flooded over Kili's face at the words and a smile - albeit small - graced his lips. "That is good to hear."

Fili nodded, a strained smile on his own lips. He could understand Kili's relief quite well. "Indeed," he said, although something inside him screamed. He ignored it.

Kili's smile was gone as soon as it had come and he frowned at his brother. He let his eyes wander of the other's demeanor and shook his head. "You don't seem to happy to hear your own words."

"I am," Fili shot back before he gave himself any chance to think. Then he added: "Bilbo might be alluring and I might feel drawn to him now, but there is no chance that I will ever court him. He can't be my One. He just can't."

Kili nodded. "Yeah, you're right. Which is a good thing." Kili reached out a hand, clasping his brother's shoulder beneath the palm of his hand. "I would hate for you to be hurt so. The fact the hobbit isn't your One is a blessing I'm grateful for."

Fili returned the gesture and gave his brother a small smile.

"Until you do find your One, though, the hobbit might indeed be a good distraction from our journey." Kili laughed at his own words and smirked at Fili. " _If_ you can get him to like you, that is."

With the joke the mood between them easily changed from serious to teasing. Fili snorted and with a half-smile shook his head. "I will, the past few days have been good."

"Indeed!" Kili laughed and started going on about the hunting trip they'd had that day.

Fili, just listening partly, did a quick count of the ponies.

When he was done he blinked.

He did another count.

That's when Kili noticed that his brother wasn't listening anymore but rather looking at the ponies with a worrisome expression. “Fee, what’s wrong?”

Fili swallowed visibly and glanced at his brother. He made a gesture towards the field where their ponies were. “The ponies…”

“The ponies?” Kili frowned and turned to where, quite a few feet away, the ponies stood grazing.

He let his eyes drift over them, counting.

Then he paled.

“Fuck.”

\---

The ponies were taken by trolls.

Of course were.

And when Fili and Kili went off on a rescue mission – best not to get Thorin involved – they got Bilbo involved, too.

Of course they had.

“If you run into trouble, hoot twice like a barn owl, once like a brown owl.” He said.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Bilbo wondered out loud as Kili and him scrambled off.

No it wasn’t a good idea! Fili had doubted it from the start, heart beating loudly in his chest like in battle when they watched as Bilbo sent to retrieve the ponies.

 _Fuck_! He thought in panic, _we’re going to get him killed!_

That feeling only got worse, his entire body freezing up and a cold settling over him when he saw one of the trolls holding Bilbo up.

He felt frightened then, horrified too that he would be the one to have talked Bilbo into an early death.

But Thorin – thank Mahal! – acted in the hobbit’s favor.

Even if it got them all caught and bound, dinner rather than the hobbit. It wasn’t his brightest moment ever, thinking Bilbo was ratting them out to save himself. Looking back, it was most likely adrenaline and fear coursing through him that made him as distrustful as he was.

But Bilbo – or well, Gandalf, but Fili liked to think it was all Bilbo’s clever thinking nonetheless – had saved them.

When he saw Bilbo, looking at the now stone trolls, his posture a bit shaky but a proud grin on his lips nonetheless Fili felt like hugging him. Not just to thank Bilbo, but also to keep him close and try to protect him. It was a scary feeling he knew he wasn't supposed to have.

So he wasn't too upset when Thorin started talking - averting his attention to his uncle rather than his thoughts. He was, however, angry when Thorin started blaming Bilbo for what had happened, calling him a liability and a danger to their safety.

Especially since Bilbo’s grin disappeared and he hunched his shoulders.

So when he walked past Bilbo to get back to camp, he patted the other on the back. When Bilbo looked up at him – expression guarded, lips in a thin line – he smiled. “Thanks for saving us.” 

His uncle’s glare was worth the happy gleam in Bilbo’s eyes and the embarrassed blush on his cheeks.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know what happened here. Just... Suddenly Ori was there and now I've got this going on and yes, yes things wil get interesting! I hope...

Rivendell was gorgeous.

Bilbo loved it the moment he caught sight of it and his love for it only continued to grow the longer he was there.

He was staring in wonder when the Elves – admittedly quite rudely – welcomed them to their city. Dinner that evening was quite a spectacle too, with all dwarves complaining about the lack of meat and the abundance of ‘greens’.

Bilbo, albeit preferring to have at least some meat, was quite happy with the meal being served.

He was surprised, though, when lord Elrond made his way over to him.

“ _Mae g’ovannen, Bilbo Baggins._ ” The lord greeted, bowing his head to Bilbo.

Bilbo almost instantly dropped his cutlery down to the table. Lord Elrond was greeting him? What a complete and utter surprise!

A surprise it was, indeed, for all the dwarves had ceased their conversations and instead watched Bilbo with unhappy frowns and suspicious glares.

Bilbo, however, took no notice. Instead, he scrambled off of his chair and bowed for the lord in a way that would make his father proud. “ _Mae g’ovannen_ ,” he greeted in return and then flushed slightly in embarrassment. “I must admit, though, my lord, that my Sindarin leaves much to be desired.”

“Your mother has led me to believe otherwise.” The words Elrond spoke were fond and the small smile he gave Bilbo soft.

Indeed, his mother had been great friends with the lord and this was the proof of it. Oh, how Bilbo wished his stuck-up relatives could see the graceful elf speak of Belladonna with such care! It would surely shut them up to know that his mother hadn't made the letters up or had written them herself but that she truly exchanged letters with the lord!

Letters which Belladonna, when Bilbo had been younger and Bungo still alive, had read to him. He would sit on her lap or at her skirt, Belladonna in her rocking chair in front of the hearth reading letters in her soft, sweet voice. Bilbo had loved being read the letters but never had he actually considered what his mother would actually write back. Now, it seemed, he knew.

He shook his head with a small smile, looking at Elrond. “My mother likes to brag about her son taking after her. She is far from right in doing so.”

Elrond leaned his head to the side taking in Bilbo with unreadable eyes. Then, he said: “Yet you are here, mister Baggins. You are a lot more like her than you think.”

Bilbo blushed. “I… well, I guess.” He mumbled. He had never considered it, that this is what his mother had done to her family when she was younger. That he was doing what she did and that while she was old, she would understand for she had done it too.

Elrond gave Bilbo a small smile – a soft one, like a father would give his son. “I would not dare impose on your time for long, but mayhap you would join me for tea tomorrow?”

Bilbo couldn’t help but grin, eyes sparkling happily. An invitation to have tea with the lord of Imladris? “O-of course! I would be honored.”

After that Elrond took his leave and Bilbo sat down at the table, almost glowing in happiness. Even the dark glare Thorin sent him couldn’t dim the smile on his lips.

\---

That night Bilbo slept peacefully.

He had been given a room to himself and he had taken it gratefully. The dwarves had chosen to share their rooms and Fili and Bofur had both offered Bilbo a spot in their room. He had been tempted to take the invitation, especially from Fili who was looking at him with pleading eyes - Kili right besides him with the same expression, of course. But Bilbo had refused, the lure of some privacy and a good bed too strong. 

 

In the morning he slept in.

Perhaps he should have attended breakfast instead, but he simply couldn’t get out of bed. It was the first time since leaving his home that he’d had a full night of rest and Yavanna had he needed it!

He woke up feeling refreshed with renewed energy although he also could not help but be lazy. His room had its own private bath and he used it gratefully, taking a long soak until he felt like he was close to being a prune.

After getting dressed he left his room hoping to run into an elf soon. He was hungry and wanted to get some food from the kitchen before he would find the library. There were so many things he wanted to do in Rivendell while he was here, so many places his mother had told him about which he would love to explore. But as he wasn't sure how long they would be staying - the dwarves' disdain towards elves made him think it would not be very long - he decided to go to the library first.

But first he needed food, and quickly! He was suddenly very hungry and quite embarrassed to even hear his stomach growling. A hobbit going hungry for the favor of a good bed and a long soak in the bath, who would have thought! He chuckled.

 

He was wandering around for a few minutes when suddenly he heard: "Master Baggins!"

He turned around to find Ori looking at him with a relieved smile.

"Good morning, Ori." He greeted as the dwarf walked to him.

"The same to you." Orin greeted and then fidgeted with the edge of his sweater for a moment before quietly asking: "You aren't on your way to the library, by any chance?"

Bilbo grinned at Ori. He'd had a feeling the other would like the library but he hadn't thought Ori would actually go, as the books were elvish. “Well, I’m off to the kitchen first as I haven’t eaten yet. But after that I am most definitely be going to the library.”

Orin grinned shyly. “Would you mind me tagging along? I… am afraid I don’t have a clue where it is.”

“Sure, sure.” Bilbo nodded. “Although I don’t know where it is either but we can ask someone.” He chuckled though when Ori made a face. “I will ask someone. No worries, master Ori, I won’t force you to speak with an elf.” He teased.

Ori flushed a bit, yet whether it was from the teasing or the fact he was embarrassed Bilbo wasn’t sure.

Then, Bilbo looked around the hallway. “Speaking of elves, it would be nice if I could ask one where the kitchen is before I starve.”

Ori perked up at those words. “Well, I do know where to find that!” He then tugged at Bilbo’s arm and guided him through hallways and down stairs to the kitchen. As they neared the kitchen Ori glanced at Bilbo nervously.

“Yes?” Bilbo asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Could you…” Ori averted his eyes and then looked at Bilbo again, softly asking: “When someone asks could you not tell them we’re going to the library.”

Bilbo raised an eyebrow and huffed. “You dwarves... they’re elves, not orcs.”

Ori shuffled his feet. “I know, just…”

Bilbo shook his head with a laugh. “No worries. I won’t tell.”

“Won’t tell what?” A cheerful voice suddenly asked.

Bilbo startled slightly and turned around – as did Ori, who looked slightly pale.

In front of them stood Fili and Kili, the first looking at them curiously and the latter with a cheerful grin on his lips.

Bilbo crossed his arms in front of his chest and smirked at the brothers. “Well, I just said that I wouldn’t tell, now did I?”

“Aw master Boggins, you can tell us!” Kili exclaimed as his brother and him walked up to Bilbo and Ori. “We won’t tell a soul.”

Besides Bilbo, Ori huffed and shook his head. “Right,” he muttered.

“Well, then maybe the two of you wish to join us instead. We found a courtyard and got uncle and Dwalin to train with us.” Fili offered with a small smile.

“Yeah,” Kili nodded with an excited grin. “Mahal knows you both could use it!” He joked.

“No thanks,” Ori shook his head, words tumbling out of his mouth quickly and his hands clenched into fists. “We’re good.”

Kili chuckled. “You sure?”

“Yes,” Bilbo answered, perhaps a bit firmer than intended. He could relate with Ori, who he’d already noticed wasn’t a fighter. He was brave and courageous, but not a warrior and with Dori and Nori constantly fretting over him Bilbo could very well understand the other’s reluctance to be teased by the Durin brothers like this. He gave the brothers a smile, hoping to soften his harsh tone a bit. “We already have other plans, so maybe later.”

Fili's face fell a bit at the news, looking disappointed, but he didn't make a comment.

Kili, instead, glanced between Bilbo and Ori in curiosity. "What plans?"

Bilbo looked at Ori, who was looking rather nervous, and waved his hand in the air. "Something I'm quite certain won't interest you lads for a single bit. We can come watch you train afterwards, however. How does that sound?"

"Sure," Kili smiled, giving the two a satisfied nod that indicated he at least partly got what he wanted.

Fili, however, didn't look too convinced. In fact, he looked slightly disappointed but he didn't say anything. Instead he shrugged and, when Kili bid them goodbye and went off, followed his brother without saying another word.

Bilbo watched them leave with a raised eyebrow, wondering what was wrong with Fili for him to put up such an attitude. "Rude," he breathed and shook his head.

"Rude?" Ori questioned and when Bilbo looked at him, Ori was frowning amusedly. "He wasn't rude, he was... you didn't see?"

Bilbo frowned at Ori, confused. “See what?”

Ori chuckled and shook his head. “Nothing, never mind. You will find out, eventually.” Then he tugged on Bilbo’s arm, completely ignoring the questioning look thrown into his direction. “Come on, master Baggins, let’s get some food into you.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for all the love and kudos ~~~<3
> 
> What's in store for this chapter you ask? Well, I might smell some progress in the air... can you believe it? Some actual progress!
> 
> And a small note: I'm not sure if there will be an update next week. I'll be in Turkey for a well-deserved holiday and if I finish the chapter before I leave I'll put it up. If not, you'll have to wait another week for the update...

Bilbo and Ori spent a few hours in the library. The first hour they mainly gawked at the grandeur of it, the amount of books and how well kept they all were. It was stunning and it made the scholar in Bilbo unbelievably happy.

They had both completely forgotten about time – and lunch – until Lindir interrupted them, explaining he had come to escort Bilbo to lord Elrond’s study for tea.

As they left Ori, Bilbo purposefully apologized to Lindir about having forgotten time. Lindir merely shook his head with a small smile, claiming to be happy to see Bilbo so taken with their library and that he was certain Elrond would be as well.

Lindir guided him to Elrond's study where, when they entered, a small table had been set up on the balcony.

"Welcome," Elrond greeted them, already seated at the table on the balcony. He held out his hand in invitation for Bilbo to join him.

Bilbo, albeit a bit nervously, shuffled towards the table and pushed himself up into the chair while Lindir excused himself and left the two alone.

When Bilbo was seated, Elrond asked: "Tea?"

"Please," he said and took his time to look at the table. There was a large pot of tea made of fine china and gorgeous decorations. There were also several platters filled with little pastries and sandwiches that looked a bit too refined in Bilbo's opinion. But it all looked beautiful, very fitting for tea with an elf lord, Bilbo couldn't help but conclude.

They sipped their tea and took bites of the food. First they spoke of Rivendell, of its history and its inhabitants and lastly about how much Bilbo enjoyed being there. Bilbo admitted he loved it and when he told the lord of his love for the library, Elrond could not help but chuckle, explaining it was very unlike Belladonna. While liking the library she had been more interested in discovering the grounds of Rivendell, usually accompanied by Elrond's twin sons, whom Elrond promised Bilbo was sure to meet. 

With his mother brought up in the conversation, it was a subject that for the next hour they did not cease to talk about. Lord Elrond told Bilbo about her time in Rivendell. About the few times she had visited and the letters she wrote. Bilbo in turn told his mother's friend about her life in the Shire and how she was the best mother he could have ever wished for.

"If I had been born to a different mother I would never have been here." Bilbo admitted.

Elrond smiled, didn't ask why Bilbo was here in the company of dwarves, and said: "Aye, very few hobbits will ever find themselves here I think. Only the brave and curious, I suppose."

Bilbo flushed slightly at the words he considered a compliment. "Or stupid, depending on your view. I must admit sometimes I regret leaving if only for leaving my mother behind alone." He finished softly.

Elrond gave Bilbo a compassionate smile. "Methinks she understands. Surely she was overjoyed when you told her of your journey."

Bilbo paled slightly at those words. He wanted for the floor to open up and swallow him whole. He’d even rather be facing the blasted trolls than have to tell Elrond he had just left without a word.

He swallowed. “I… well, our departure was quite quick and unexpected, you see. I’m afraid… there wasn’t any time to…” He broke off, turning his eyes down to stare at the floor.

Suddenly a hand was placed onto his shoulder and Bilbo jumped.

Elrond was looking at him with a soft and gentle expression and when he caught Bilbo’s eyes he shook his head. “You will find no judgment here, mister Baggins. I would, however, like to offer you something.”

Bilbo felt relieved, surprised and happy Elrond didn’t judge him. The offer, though, made him frown. “And what, my lord?”

“A parchment of paper and a feather, so you may write your mother a letter.”

Bilbo grinned. “Please!” He said excitedly and then, quite forward and un-hobbity like, asked: “Mayhap you have some more to spare for me to take with me on the road?”

Lord Elrond laughed. “Of course I do,”

Bilbo smiled gratefully and the rest of their afternoon was spent in nice companionship with good conversation.

\--

Bilbo sighed softly as he watched the garden below him.

During their conversation lord Elrond had told him about a balcony which gave a perfect view to one of Rivendell's most beautiful gardens.

And what a beautiful garden it was. 

Bilbo could spend hours just staring at it, amazed at all the different kinds of flowers and how well organized they were. Not many knew some types of flowers couldn’t be placed to another type for their meaning would be ill rather than good. But it seemed the gardener that took care of this garden seemed to know.

Bilbo smiled, thinking that during his stay he ought to meet with the gardener. Maybe if he went down he could catch the elf and have a chat?

“I do not think I have ever seen anyone look at a garden so longingly as you, master Baggins.” Someone suddenly spoke up and Bilbo startled slightly.

He turned around to find Fili looking at him with an amused expression.

Bilbo smiled at the dwarf, turning back to look at the garden again and Fili joined him on the balcony, although he leaned against the railing with his back and instead of the garden he watched Bilbo.

“Well it is a beautiful garden.” Bilbo pointed out. 

Fili chuckled. “Mayhap you should take a walk through it, then.”

Bilbo laughed and shot Fili a teasing look. “Are you inviting me to a walk through a garden, master dwarf?”

Fili watched Bilbo for a few moments, an unreadable expression on his face as he regarded the hobbit. Then something that looked like excitement sparkled in his eyes and he grinned. “And if I am?”

Bilbo’s heart skipped a beat at the question and something in his stomach fluttered. Fili was inviting him to… 

_Don’t get too excited._ He told himself. It probably meant something entirely different to the dwarf. Heck, it probably meant nothing at all aside from a nice offer. How could Fili know that to hobbits, this was the first step of courtship?

“Well…” Bilbo took a breath and shuffled with his feet, glancing at Fili with a small smile. “I wouldn’t mind too terribly if I wasn’t so worried about boring you to death.” He replied slightly teasingly. 

Better not take the dwarf too seriously now, better not actually consider his offer of friendship an offer of courtship. Why would he want to, anyway?

Fili laughed and he looked at Bilbo fondly. “I don’t believe time spent with you is boring, master Baggins.” Then the smile dropped from his lips and he turned his eyes away to glance at the floor. “Truth be told, I had rather hoped you would have joined us with Ori this afternoon.”

Bilbo blinked stupidly and then turned to look at Fili with wide eyes. 

Oh

He’d completely forgotten about his promise to join the brothers at a later stage! But there had been tea with lord Elrond and… “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, looking down. “I’m afraid I completely forgot as I had already promised lord Elrond to join him for afternoon tea, you see.”

“Ah yes, tea with the elf lord.” Fili shook his head with a somewhat wry smile. 

Bilbo almost felt guilty for actually having enjoyed tea with Elrond. Almost. He glanced at Fili. “They aren’t as bad as you think.” He pointed out, feeling quite cross with the dwarves’ – all of them, not just Fili – attitude towards the elves.

Fili huffed and shrugged. “I might not like the elves, but I have no hatred towards them like my uncle.” He said honestly, eyes almost nervously flickering around the hallway like he was afraid someone would overhear. He then bit his lower-lip for a second before looking back to Bilbo. “I think everyone would appreciate it, however, if you joined us tomorrow for a meal. Any meal.”

Bilbo flushed, only now realizing that aside from his time spent with Ori in the library, he hadn’t spent any time with the dwarves during the day at all. But then again, Bilbo didn’t feel like any of them truly minded. If anything, half of them probably hoped he would decide to stay in Rivendell once they would leave.

But Fili and Kili had wanted him to join, and he had promised so he could hardly tell Fili he thought the other was lying. 

So instead he said: “Well, methinks I should be able to manage breakfast at the least.”

“Perhaps we can borrow more time from you afterwards. Both Dwalin and Kili agreed it would be good to give you a few lessons in how to use your sword.”

“Sword lessons?” Bilbo asked, his voice a pitch higher than normal and he wasn’t sure if he should feel excited or frightened. He wanted to ask if Fili was sure this was a good idea, but really he couldn’t. Because he did want to learn to defend himself, if only to be less of a liability to the group. 

“Yes, master Baggins, sword lessons.” Fili laughed and then gave Bilbo a teasing smirk. “And you needn’t worry, I am certain Dwalin will go easy on you.”

That didn’t reassure Bilbo in the least.

\---

It was not too much later when Bilbo and Fili found themselves strolling through Rivendell’s gardens.

Bilbo still couldn’t imagine for the life of him why Fili would even want to stroll through a garden with him and he tried very hard not to get flustered because Fili wasn’t a hobbit so this wasn’t courting. But that didn’t mean he did not enjoy himself.

The garden was gorgeous, the air serene and with the absence of his brother Fili was calm and curious. Whether the curiosity was his own or for Bilbo’s sake, Bilbo did not know. He didn’t appreciate it any less.

They’d been walking for a bit and Bilbo was quite enjoying himself, answering Fili’s questions about his life in the Shire and asking a few of his own – albeit careful ones, as he was well aware of the secrecy of dwarves. Now, the topic of their conversation was however at flowers again as Bilbo was explaining to Fili that every hobbit had a flower chosen for them on the day of their coming-of-age. It was their parents that chose the flower and it would be one befitting of the hobbit’s personality.

Fili seemed quite taken by that idea and he grinned at Bilbo when the other finished his explanation. “So, what flower would you say fits me best then?”

Bilbo’s steps faltered for a bit and he looked up at Fili, perhaps a bit shocked. Then he shook his head with a small smile. “I couldn’t possibly tell you. As I said, it are only parents that give their children their flower-name and, if the parents have passed, it is a close other relative. We aren’t family, so I couldn’t possibly give you your flower-name.”

Fili frowned. “Surely, if you do it for me it won’t hold the same meaning.”

Bilbo hesitated, fumbling with his fingers. While there was some truth to Fili’s words Bilbo still felt like he couldn’t. It didn’t quite matter that Fili was a dwarf, a hobbit didn’t just give someone a flower.

Bilbo shrugged. “Sorry,” he mumbled. 

That’s when Fili laughed and gave Bilbo a friendly push. “And they say dwarves are the only secret race in middle earth!” He teased.

Bilbo chuckled at that.

“All right then,” Fili said and stood still in the middle of the path. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked around the garden almost smugly. “If you refuse to say which flower suits me, I shall pick one myself!”

Bilbo raised an eyebrow with a laugh. “You don’t even know the meanings of the flowers!”

“So?” Fili asked, an eyebrow raised and a smirk on his lips. “I’ll just pick one that looks fierce, like the one over there.” He pointed to the left. “Or an awesome one like that one.” He pointed to a flower on their right. “Or maybe a tree.” He said and then looked at Bilbo questioningly although amusement sparkled freely in his eyes. “A strong tree, which lives long and grows big and –”

“Oh stop it, you!” Bilbo laughed and shook his head. “Surely none of those will do! A daisy would fit much better if you ask me.”

The moment the words left Bilbo’s mouth Fili grinned widely, eyes twinkling happily, while Bilbo froze and all color drained from his face.

_Oh fuck._


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, guys! I've been on holiday so that's why there wasn't an update last week. Hope this one makes up for it!
> 
> AND~ you should also all go check out the lovely [Ajir](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ajir/pseuds/ajir) (or [her Tumblr](http://ajirzecwredny.tumblr.com/))! She's so awesome and made gorgeous, GORGEOUS fanarts to The Flower Garden, which you [can find here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/971538/chapters/1908966). Go check it out!

Bilbo was panicking.

_How_ could he just have slipped and given Fili a flower? It was such a stupid thing to do! Giving someone a flower was a private affair. Not only that, Fili wasn’t family. He wasn’t even a hobbit!

So how, _how_ could Bilbo have momentarily forgotten the traditions of naming someone. And the way he had! Oh, even his mother would be ashamed of him, surely.

Such a private, family occurrence and tradition it was and he’d just blurted it like that! No proper announcements, no flower-gift, nothing!

Taking an unsteady breath Bilbo tried to calm himself and silence his thoughts a bit. He’d done it now, so he would have to rationalize things. Accept his mistake and try and find a way to make the best of it.

He would, however, do that later. Because first he had to deal with Fili, who was looking at him with a frown.

 

Bilbo raised an eyebrow. “What?” He asked defensively. Sure it would have been nicer to ask if Fili was all right but Bilbo was sure he was right in being protective of his traditions. Especially if Fili received it with that frown on his face.

Fili looked at Bilbo, frown deepening at the other’s defensive stance. “Just… I mean, a daisy? Out of all the flowers you can pick, you pick something as common, simple and _ordinary_ was a daisy!” Fili huffed, actually sounding slightly hurt.

“What!” Bilbo cried out, offended. “How can you say that?” He continued.

Fili’s face fell, frown replaced by a somewhat sad and guilty look.

That was when Bilbo’s anger faltered slightly and he remembered Fili was a dwarf.

He sighed. “Truly, you mustn’t speak of a flower in such a way before you know its meaning.” Bilbo chuckled slightly, remembering something his father once told him. “Just like you mustn’t judge a book by its cover, you know?”

Fili nodded, a sheepish expression on his face. It was obvious he was taken aback by Bilbo’s reaction. “All right. So what’s the meaning of a daisy?”

Bilbo couldn’t help but feel nervous suddenly. Every hobbit knew the meaning of a flower. _Any_ flower. So for him to explain to Fili what _his_ flower meant… well, he was slightly afraid he’d made a mistake. Not that the meaning of a daisy was bad in any way, but still. Not only that but Bilbo had never actually named anyone before. So it was also special and intimate and to do this with Fili, who was a prince!

Well, it was safe to say that Bilbo felt nervous with a reason.

“Well, a daisy’s meaning is actually not as ordinary as you think.” Bilbo started with a small smile, cheeks dusting slightly red in an embarrassed flush. “A daisy stands for many things. It means innocence and purity, but also stands for cheer. It also says that a person that is a daisy loves loyally, has faith and gives it to others but it also stands for simplicity. The last one, I think, best portrays the flower’s looks.” He said and when he finished his explanation he shyly glanced at Fili.

Fili looked shocked for a few moments. “I… you,” he stuttered and looked at Bilbo in surprise, his expression slightly awed. “That’s how you see me?” He asked softly, a small flush on his cheeks.

“Yes,” Bilbo admitted softly, slightly insecure. “I mean, the way you’re loyal to your uncle, your personality and where you’ve come from… I think it fits.” Bilbo rambled.

“Please, peace.” Fili laughed, holding out his hands and looking at Bilbo with an amused twinkle in his eyes. “I meant no offence. I was merely shocked for the meaning of a daisy is much… better than expected.” He grinned at Bilbo. “In fact, I feel quite flattered this is what you think of me. Quite flattered indeed and I want to thank you.” Fili said, smiling more open now.

“A-ah, well…” Bilbo stuttered, flushing and nervously tugging a strand of hair behind his ears. This reaction was certainly a lot better than he’d thought. “You’re welcome, I guess. Although I must admit it’s not at all normal or… accepted for me to name you like this.”

Fili clasped Bilbo’s shoulder with an honest and happy expression. “Trust me, master Baggins, I am only more thankful of you for that. Although I do owe you an apology for tricking you into telling me.”

“Ah, that’s..” _Fine_. Bilbo wanted to say. But it wasn’t, not really. He still had to find a way to properly deal with this, after all. So instead he said: “It happened. And I am grateful that you at least like your flower-name, if anything.”

Fili grinned, hand still on Bilbo’s shoulder and squeezing for a second. “I do, it makes me immensely happy to know you think so positively of me.” And wasn’t that dazzling smile just charming, if not a bit flirtatious? “I can assure you, I think the same of you.”

Bilbo’s heart skipped a beat and a nervous laugh passed his lips. “Surely not! I’m quite sure you think I’m soft and… well, weird.” He finished lamely. But he just couldn’t believe someone like Fili would… well, _compliment_ him. 

“Well, you must think other things of me than merely the ones you mentioned before, I’m sure.” Fili teased.

“A-ah, true.” Bilbo admitted, albeit a bit hesitantly. “Well, thank you either way.”

“Of course!” Fili grinned, releasing Bilbo’s shoulder as they started walking again. “If I may ask, what’s yours?”

Bilbo’s eyes widened straight away and he flushed scarlet. A panicked sound escaped him and he stared at Fili like he’d just grown two extra heads.

Fili was asking for his flower-name. His flower-name! Oh this was bad, very bad indeed! Asking for someone’s flower-name… it was bad enough he’d accidentally named Fili but this...

He really ought to write down the full tradition and meaning of having a flower-name.

Bilbo’s shock at the question must’ve registered with Fili, for he gave Bilbo a wary look and said: “I’m not supposed to ask?”

Bilbo swallowed and nodded. “Yeah… I mean, you’re not supposed to ask.”  
“Oh,” Fili nodded. “Well, that’s good to know. I’ll be patient, then and wait until you tell me.” Fili sounded slightly disappointed as he spoke.  
Bilbo made a soft noise and just barely stopped himself from saying _you’ll have to wait forever, then, for I’ll never tell you._ But as he could hardly be so rude, he said something else. “I can explain the tradition to you sometime, if you want.”

Fili nodded almost eagerly. “Please. But I think that is for another night. I’m rather tired.”

“Ah yes, bed doesn’t sound too horrible right now.” Bilbo agreed and the two made their way inside and to their rooms ready to retire for the night.

But while Fili slept, Bilbo lay awake pondering and worrying about what he’d done and how he could fix it.

\---

Fili wasn’t sure what exactly was wrong, but he knew there was.

First off, Bilbo wasn’t at breakfast when he entered the hall. When he asked Gloin, who was there and the only one without a stuffed face, the other said that Bilbo had been there but had left already.

And if that didn’t worry Fili, the box left on one of the plates did.

Gloin just shrugged at it. “The hobbit left it.” He grunted. “Said nothing an’ left. But ‘t is for you. Your name is on the lid; we checked.” He then turned to look at Fili with a raised eyebrow. “There something we should know?”

Fili was quick to shake his head, knowing very well what Gloin was implying. “Nothing.”

Gloin frowned, taking a bite from a piece of bread before pointing the bread still in his hand at Fili. “All looks rather improper to me, lad.”

Fili resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Gloin was so old-fashioned and close-minded sometimes. “Truly, there is nothing going on.” He assured Gloin, making his way over to the plate with the box on it. He muttered under his breath: “I hope.”

When he got to the plate he sat down, just watching it for a few seconds.

After last night, he wasn’t quite sure what to expect.

Looking back he realized that tricking Bilbo might not have been the best idea. The other had looked hurt and Fili couldn’t help but think he’d done something awful.

And now there was a box – black, a pretty white bow tied around it with a label attached, saying Fili in a very impressive handwriting. He didn’t know what was in the box, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to find out. But on the other hand he did want to know. Bilbo had looked positively scandalized and it all seemed a rather delicate matter. He was quite certain the box was about the same thing and if it was he knew he should be grateful to be included in this.

He could think of the implications of the box all he wanted, though. It wouldn’t give him an answer. Regardless, he would have to open the box. He couldn’t _not_.

 

“E’thing ‘right?” Dwalin’s gruff voice cut through his thoughts.

Fili looked up straight away. “What?”

Dwalin laughed. “If yer ‘ll right, lad.” Dwalin slapped Fili’s back. “Looks like ya got yerself an admirer.”

“A-ah, no that’s not it.” Fili spluttered. “It’s from Bilbo.”

Dwalin frowned, looked at the box and then back up at Fili. “What for?”

Fili rolled his eyes. “I won’t know until I open it.”

Dwalin smirked. “I’ll wait.”

Fili sighed. He didn’t particularly want Dwalin – or any of the other dwarves watching them right now – to actually watch him open the box. But he could hardly send them all away.

So he rolled his eyes and pulled the box a bit closer. He untied the bow, put it aside and opened the box.

He wasn’t sure what he’d expected to find, hadn’t really thought of it. But he hadn’t expected to find a daisy.

A single daisy in the middle of the box with a neatly folded parchment beneath it.

Behind him, he heard Dwalin laugh.

The others instantly started asking questions. What was so funny, what was in the box and why was Fili so red?

“A flower!” Dwalin roared. “The hobbit gave ya a flower!”

Fili couldn’t help it, but he blushed even more. Perhaps it was because he knew he was a bit embarrassed. To receive a flower in front of the other dwarves… one was excused to flush, he thought.

But it could also be – and Fili had a feeling that this was indeed the case – because he knew it was from Bilbo and he knew what flowers meant to the hobbit. What a daisy now meant to the hobbit. He didn’t know quite what the gift meant and exactly what kind of hobbit tradition he’d ended up participating in. for all he knew Bilbo was proposing to him! which, by the way, didn’t make him flush harder and his heart flutter.

So while he might not know why he received this now – it probably had to do with last night though – he was quite sure it meant something.

What, he couldn’t think about. Because now not only Dwalin but also Gloin, Bombur and Balin were standing around him and inspecting the gift.

“Nothing improper going on, huh.” Gloin huffed, looking at Fili suspiciously.

“So lad, what’s this for then?” Balin asked, voice softer and more diplomatic than Gloin’s had been.

Fili shrugged. “I don’t know.” He wished he did!

“I do.”

All dwarves looked towards the door in a rush when a female voice filled the room.

There they found a tall, slender she-elf with long, dark hair falling over her shoulders in soft waves. Her flawless skin pale in her midnight-blue dress and her eyes were piercing as she watched the dwarves.

“I do. In fact, I helped Bilbo prepare it last night.” She continued as she strode into the room and towards the dwarves, robes fluttering around her legs. She stood still in front of the dwarves, frowning at Fili. “I just do not understand why.”


	17. Chapter 17

“If you know what the hobbit is doing you better tell us.” Gloin demanded and Dwalin nodded with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

The elf huffed and crossed her arms as well. “I don’t _have_ to tell you anything.”

Fili frowned. It seemed awfully unfair of her to speak up first and then not share the information. But he refrained from demanding answers. She said she helped Bilbo last night which must mean she was a friend of him. It would be best not to anger or upset her.

The others, however, didn’t seem to share the sentiment.

“Ya shouldn’t ‘ve spoken up then, if ya ain’t gonna share.” Dwalin huffed.

Suddenly another elf – a male, this time – appeared on the she-elf’s left. His hair was straight and dark-brown, skin a shade darker as hers and he had a protective hand around the she-elf’s shoulder. “They giving you trouble, Arwen?”

Another elf – identical to the other male – popped up on her right, a hand on her other shoulder. “Yes, because if they are…”

Arwen shook her head. She looked to the elf on her left. “No Elladan,” and swatted at the other’s hand, glaring at him. “Elrohir. I can take care of myself.” She then sighed and waved a hand at the box on the table. “Just that…”

“Oh!” Elladan’s eyes widened slightly. 

“The flower.” Elrohir finished, looking straight at Fili.

“What?” Fili asked defensively. He didn’t feel comfortable at all with the three elves watching him. “I didn’t do anything… I mean, Bilbo gave it to me!”

“Oh yes, we know.” Elladan nodded.

“But do you know what it means to receive this?” Elrohir asked.

Fili frowned, ignoring all curious glances from his fellow dwarves. “I do.”

Arwen frowned, shaking her head. “I don’t think you do.” She said. “From what Bilbo told me last night he didn’t explain things properly _at all_. So we will instead.” She sighed and shook her head. “I do not know what came over him to do this. Such a private tradition is usually kept within the family. And you’re hardly what one would call an acquaintance.”

“Well, maybe more.” Elrohir suddenly grinned.

“Indeed, he might have refrained from telling you the true nature of their relationship!” Elladan laughed.

Dwalin, albeit his hatred towards elves, laughed. Gloin gave Fili a dark look, Bombur smirked while Balin gave Fili a knowing glance. 

_Mahal, just take me now._ Fili thought. 

Arwen flushed and hit Elladan. “Elladan!” She scolded.

“Well it could be true!” Elladan argued. He then turned to Fili. “It’s a very private thing for hobbits, after all. Bilbo told you, yes?”

Fili nodded. “Yes, he said hobbits get their flower-names from their family when they reach their majority. Also that the name is very secret. Or well, Bilbo wouldn’t give me his.”

“Of course he wouldn’t.” Arwen said. “That he gave you a name is a shock already! Let alone that he displays it here so publically.”

When Fili frowned, Elladan explained: “You see, only family gives a flower-name. And if it’s not family, it’s their love. The one they marry.”

Fili’s eyes widened and he wasn’t sure if he was pale from shock or red from embarrassment.

Lovers, marriage?

_What!_

Elrohir, seeing Fili’s shocked expression, grinned. “Aye, and once they receive their flower-name, as a gift such as yours, they never share it. A hobbit only shares their flower with their significant other on their wedding night. So for Bilbo to give you one and for it to be so out in the open… well I’m sure you can understand our shock.”

Fili was having a hard time wrapping his mind around all of this. The family part he understood. But the rest? He was afraid that his mind simply refused to understand.

Suddenly Dwalin slapped him on the back with a bark of laughter. “Congrats, lad! Methinks ya jus’ got yerself ‘ngaged.”

“No I didn’t!” Fili cried, his cry louder than Gloin’s undignified comment. Fili looked at the three elves desperately. He liked Bilbo, sure. A lot even. But marriage? No way! “I didn’t, right?”

Arwen gave him an angry look, a flush on her cheeks. “You better not.”

Meanwhile Elladan and Elrohir looked very amused by the situation – as did Dwalin and Bombur. Gloin looked like he’d been personally attacked and Balin was frowning.

“But you never know with hobbits and their customs and their flowers.” Elladan joked, although the joke itself was lost on Fili.

“Yes, better ask Bilbo.” Elrohir glanced at Arwen. “And let us hope it isn’t what it looks like. We don’t want Arwen to kill you.”

Fili swallowed and nodded.

Oh how he was going to talk with Bilbo! And if this did turn out to be the worst case scenario, well he would love for Arwen to kill him. She would be a lot more merciful than his uncle.

\---

Bilbo was hiding.

He wasn’t sure if he’d chosen a good spot – the library might be a bit obvious – but he was hiding nonetheless. In the far back where the books on Elvish history were gathered.

It was a coward thing to do, he supposed.

But what else could he do? He could hardly face Fili, now could he? And to have left the flower at the breakfast table… big mistake.

Although by now he was starting to think that giving Fili the gift in the first place was a mistake. Arwen had been right. Fili wasn’t a hobbit. In fact, he was so far away from being one that Bilbo feared he’d never understand. Or simply wouldn’t care. That would be even worse.

So yes, it had been a terrible mistake giving Fili the box but he could hardly take it back, now could he? 

In fact if he could do what he wanted he’d go back in time. But as he couldn’t do that, he would hide here for as long as possible and pray he would never have to face a dwarf – especially Fili – ever again.

He knew that would never happen, though.

That knowledge was only more obvious when the door of the library swung open.

Bilbo closed his eyes, pushed himself a bit further into his chair, raised the book in his hands and hid behind it – for as far as hiding behind a book went.

 

Footsteps neared and Bilbo tried to ignore it, burying himself further and further into his book.

It was a dwarf, Bilbo was certain because elves didn’t wear heavy boots like that. He also didn’t need to actually think about which dwarf it could be.

There was only one that at this particular moment would want to search for him.

Closer and closer Fili walked and Bilbo refused to look up from the book, staring at the pages foolishly.

Then the footsteps stopped.

Bilbo’s hands clenched a bit around the book, holding it tighter and he held his breath almost as if that could scare Fili away.

“The book is a bit small, don’t you think?” Fili asked, sounding both amused and nervous.

Bilbo sighed and put down his last-line-of-defense. Seeing Fili he couldn’t help but worry, for the other looked nervous and that wasn’t good, now was it?

He fidgeted with the cover of the book, eyes darting around the library quickly before settling back on Fili. “Hi,” he said lamely.

Fili raised an eyebrow.

Bilbo took a breath, trying to think of something to ask, something to say. _Anything_ other than _“I’m sorry I did this. I regret it and can we please forget all about it? Oh, by the way, can I get my flower back?”_

So, with a split-second to think of something, he asked: “So, uhm… have you had breakfast already?” And he felt like hitting himself for the sheer stupidity of the question.

Fili frowned and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “I did.” He nodded and then gave Bilbo an accusing look. “You weren’t there, though.”

Bilbo shrank back against the chair a bit. So apparently _that_ hadn’t been the right question to ask. He could have known, though. Some of the others must have been there and laughed at Fili for the gift. Perhaps someone had even taken his explanation and read it out loud! That surely would’ve embarrassed Fili which could explain why he now looked so agitated. “I… well, I had already eaten, you see.”

“And instead of staying you lay down a gift for me and flee? The least you could have done was give it to me in person and… explain exactly what you gifted me.” At finishing his sentence a light flush was on Fili’s cheeks.

Bilbo frowned slightly. “But there was an explanation…” Bilbo trailed off and now _he_ was the one giving Fili a disapproving look. “You did read it, didn’t you?”

Fili shook his head. “I didn’t need to. Your elf friends explained it to me.”

Elf friends? Bilbo resisted the urge to huff and tell Fili that his _elf friends_ did have names, thank you very much. But now was not the time to be offended by such a small and petty thing. Because he still didn’t know exactly what Fili thought of the gift and, well, just the entire situation. But at least the dwarf hadn’t decided to avoid Bilbo, which was a good thing. But _what_ he had come here for… Well, the only way Bilbo would know was if he asked. “And you wanted to talk about it with me?” He raised an eyebrow and curiously peered at Fili, nervous to hear the other’s words.

Fili flushed at the question and nodded. He clenched his hands into fists, stared at the ground and then after a few seconds looked up at Bilbo. When he spoke his voice was soft and hesitant. “Yes, I did. Because, you see… well uhm.” He sighed, shook his head and then, eyes fixated on Bilbo and voice quivering slightly continued: “What I mean to say is… I like you. I do and surely I would like to… you know, start something with you.” 

Bilbo gasped, eyes widening and his heart skipping a beat. Fili _liked_ him? That was… well. He felt warm all over, a slight flush on his cheeks. Very unexpected.

But then Fili shook his head, stretched his arms out and looked at Bilbo with big eyes. “But really, marriage!?”

“What!” Bilbo cried, jumping up and gaping at Fili.

How did this go from ‘I like you’ to marriage? Just _what_ had those blasted elves told him!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I looked up where exactly hobbits origins are. I don't know why but I have always thought Yavanna to be their creator. She isn't. In fact, researching I'm beginning to think Tolkien himself didn't quite know for he says on the matter:
> 
> In the middle of this Age [the Third Age] the Hobbits appear. Their origin is unknown (even to themselves)† for they escaped the notice of the great, or the civilised people with records, and kept none themselves, save vague oral traditions, until they had migrated from the borders of Mirkwood, fleeing from the Shadow, and wandered westward, coming into contact with the last remnants of the Kingdom of Arnor.
> 
> † The Hobbits are, of course, really meant to be a branch of the specifically human race (not elves or dwarves)
> 
> To say I was dissapointed isn't quite expressing it, but since I don't know what else to explain it as let's just say I was very dissapointed indeed.
> 
> So I will not be keeping to this information in my fic. So the origin of hobbits of which Bilbo speaks below is made up, just so you all know.

Marriage?

Bilbo stared at Fili like he’d grown another head. Marriage!

“What in Yavanna’s name are you talking about?”

“What I’m talking about? The flower of course! The daisy. As I said, I do like you master Baggins… Bilbo. But I am afraid I will have to decline your offer of marriage. Or courtship. Whatever it is you are offering.”

“I am not offering you anything. What gave you that…” Wait a minute, Bilbo thought. If Fili hadn’t read his explanation and instead had elves – not just Arwen – explain to him what receiving a flower meant then a miscommunication could have easily occurred.

_Bugger_

Bilbo sighed, shaking his head with a laugh afterwards. He knew that the outcome of it all would be slightly dramatic. But for things to turn out like this? Not only was it dramatic, it was in a way also completely hilarious that both the elves and dwarves managed to completely misunderstand him and turn the situation into quite the spectacle!

Fili frowned and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Am I amusing you?" He sounded offended and slightly hurt.

“What?” Bilbo frowned and shook his head. “No, no not at all.”

Obviously not quite believing Bilbo, Fili raised a skeptic eyebrow. “Then what?”

“Just… you’re all wrong.” Bilbo shook his head.

Fili gave him a somewhat dark, confused look.

_Not the right thing to say._

“What I mean is… oh bugger! This is all just a misunderstanding.” Bilbo took a deep breath and shook his head.

That seemed to be a good answer, for Fili’s frown dropped and instead he just looked confused and perhaps a little bit embarrassed too. "Oh." He muttered - and did he sound a bit disappointed? "So, no proposal?"

Bilbo couldn't help it, he laughed. It might've been from relief, perhaps hilarity or sheer surprise that Fili - albeit his initial anger and refusal - seemed somewhat disappointed. "No," he shook his head and looked at Fili with an amused expression.

Fili still looked slightly embarrassed and slightly conflicted.

Bilbo turned serious straight away, not wanting to make fun of Fili accidentally by laughing. "No proposal." He looked slightly apologetic and raised his shoulders. "I'm sorry?"

"Oh no, no need for that!" Fili quickly said, shaking his head and all lingering signs of disappointment that might have been there were gone straight away. He chuckled. "I must admit, it is quite the relief. I fear uncle might have wanted to kill me if I had accidentally gotten myself engaged!"

Bilbo huffed. "Or me." He muttered, because he was quite certain that Fili wouldn't be the one in danger of his life. And surely, he would be in danger! Thorin disliked him already - he wouldn't go as far as to call it hate, Thorin did at least like him better than the elves, after all - but oh what that would turn into if he were to find out Bilbo had proposed to his nephew! He suppressed a shudder.

Fili chuckled. “Oh he wouldn’t.” He shrugged and patted Bilbo’s shoulder with a grin. “He needs you, after all.”

“I think his dislike towards my person may exceed his need of me.” Bilbo snorted. He put the book aside, placing it atop the table standing next to his chair and turned to Fili. “But your uncle can refrain from acting on his desire.” He said and before Fili could protest – something he was about to do – he continued. “For a marriage proposal is not at all what this is all about!”

“All right then,” Fili nodded and walked over to the chair, sitting himself down onto the broad armrest and looking down at Bilbo. “Will you explain?”

“Of course,” Bilbo rolled his eyes and looked at Fili – trying hard _not_ to think about their close proximity which apparently was okay now that Fili knew that Bilbo wasn’t, in fact, proposing. He wriggled a bit in the seat – which was too big for him in any case – and a bit further away from Fili until he was comfortable with both his position and his distance to Fili. He wasn’t sure but something between them felt different. It made him wonder if it was just him or if Fili felt it too. It was just the atmosphere, the feeling around them. It probably was because Bilbo was trusting Fili with something rarely spoken of outside of their tight-knit community so of course he would feel… closer to Fili, somehow.

Having his thoughts straight, Bilbo realized that Fili probably didn’t know that not only was a Flower-name something not given easily, but the information explaining it wasn’t either. Not that he wasn’t allowed to give the information to whomever he wanted but he was well aware that if he hadn’t been in this predicament he would never have told Fili. Maybe later, but surely not now!

“Just,” he started and shook his head. How to phrase the fact that Fili wouldn’t normally know this without offending him? Then he thought of the dwarves and how secretive they were. “Just please keep in mind that like dwarves, us hobbits do not share our information lightly.”

Fili nodded, expression sober and understanding. “Aye, I understand.” He then chuckled. “The vagueness of the information provided so far did give me a clue for if you shared your tales openly, surely the elves would have known.”

“Perhaps, yes.” Bilbo laughed, making a mental note to find exactly where the elves had gotten their information if they thought he’d actually proposed to Fili.

He licked his lips and took a breath, ready to explain to actual situation to Fili. “So for you to fully understand our tradition of giving someone a Flower-name, I think it’s important you know of our origin because that is… well, in essence that is where it started.”

Fili frowned. “So hobbits aren’t actually… I don’t know, shrunken men with hair on their feet?”

“What!” Bilbo cried, appalled. “W-who told you that… that bloody nonsense!” He demanded, eyes wide and cheeks puffed and flushed in anger.

Fili paled slightly at the reaction. “Well, no one, not really. I mean, we do not know where hobbits are from and you _do_ look and act a bit like men. Except for the feet. And the height. And, oh _Mahal_ , can we please forget I ever said this?”

Bilbo looked slightly upset and very much disgruntled. He huffed, crossing his arms in front of his chest and glaring at Fili with a ferocity that would scare Lobelia away for life. “Yes, we better ignore the fact you were ignorant and blatantly stupid enough to even suggest that hobbits are men. I fear if we don’t I might actually resort to bodily harm and that would be very unfortunate indeed.” He mumbled darkly. Perhaps he should make it a point to actually start educating every single soul he met on this journey about hobbits. For if this is what everyone considered them to be then, well, then blast it all! Preposterous, that is what it was and ignorant, too.

Fili hesitated for a moment before asking: “Would you still explain it to me?”

Bilbo couldn’t help it, he chuckled. The careful words, the soft tone, it was quite obvious Fili felt guilty for the words he had spoken. As he should be. “Now more than ever.” Bilbo said and settled back against the chair. “So, I am not sure how far your knowledge of the Valar goes…” Bilbo trailed off, offering Fili a chance to speak.

Fili shrugged. “Not much, to be honest. We only get taught of our maker, Mahal. Or Aulë, but it is a name we do not use. Other than that, I know he has a wife and that there are obviously other Valar but I know nothing about that.”

Bilbo nodded thoughtfully. Fili’s – and apparently, all dwarves’ – knowledge was little which seemed strange to him. But then again, he knew more than the average hobbit for his greed for knowledge so who was he to judge? Luckily, though, what Fili knew was enough. “You are right in saying that Aulë has a wife. Her name is Yavanna and she is our Mother.”

Fili blinked, stunned and then a grin slipped onto his lips. “So you could say that hobbits and dwarves are… siblings, of a sort.”

Bilbo paused. He’d never thought of it like that! “Very different siblings, in that case.”

Fili chuckled and shook his head. “Perhaps not as different as we think. But, I interrupted you again! I promise, I will refrain from talking too much until you have finally explained things to me properly.” He said and nodded to himself. “So, Yavanna is your creator?”

“Yes,” Bilbo nodded, “we are her second children; the Ents being her first. They are the protectors of the forest, of nature so to speak. So rather than protectors she made hobbits so that they would love what she loved. Thus we became as we are. A peaceful folk that tends not to meddle with those outside our race and instead devote ourselves to love the earth and nature.” Bilbo chuckled. “Perhaps that is not quite what it is anymore, but it is for as far as we know the reason for our creation.”

Bilbo paused for a second, thinking for a moment how to explain further. He wanted to do it properly and fully, so Fili would truly understand the meaning of the Flower-name a hobbit – and in this case a dwarf – received. After a few moments of pondering, he continued. “She created few of us and because she loved nature so, she modeled each hobbit after a flower with its specific traits and she named the hobbit as such. So hobbits were created and as their number grew the lack of a name other than a flower got confusing.” Bilbo laughed and shook his head. “Just imagine having three hobbits with the same name! It must have been confusing indeed. Which is why after decades after our creation instead of giving a hobbit the name of a flower when they were born, they were given a ‘normal’ name. A name for the outside world. But in honor of Yavanna, each hobbit still receives their Flower-name upon their coming-of-age. This is what is sometimes called their True-name. It is not a name after which the hobbit is modeled, as was the case upon our creation. Instead it is a name which matches perfectly with the personality of the hobbit. A name which represents who they are.”

Bilbo smiled fondly and glanced at Fili to see if the other was still listening – for Fili did hold to his word and didn’t speak, which worried Bilbo. To his surprise, Fili was looking at him with rapt interest, completely taken by Bilbo’s words.

Fili looked at him with gratefulness in his eyes and he sounded awed when he said: “So what you have given me…” he trailed off and smiled, obviously starting to understand the magnitude of the Flower-name he was given. “There must be traditions surrounding it, though. The flower you gave me…”

And what could Bilbo do other than explain?


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my.... This monsterous chapter is finally finished! I don't know why but I struggled quite a lot with this.
> 
> But here it is and I'm so excited about it now that it's finished and can't wait to hear what you all think of it!

“Yes,” Bilbo nodded. “There are a lot of traditions. Not just for the Flower-name, but in general. And most of them evolve around flowers for… well, obvious reasons.” He laughed. “But I shall not bore you with those!”

“I don’t think those stories would bore me.” Fili said genuinely. 

Bilbo glanced at Fili with a raised eyebrow. “Is that flattery, master Fili?”

“Mayhap.” Fili chuckled. “I shall have to make up for my rude comments somehow!”

“They might have been ignorant, but I would not call them rude.” 

“That is a relief.” Fili smiles. “In any case, I do enjoy hearing about your traditions, especially this one as I am now a part of it.”

Bilbo chuckled. Well at least he could understand Fili’s interest in this particular part of hobbit culture. “That is good to know, for this one you are going to hear. It is not much, if you were expecting grandeur there is none. At least, not in the way I think you dwarves might do things. But for us hobbits it’s all about family, so we keep things small; except for parties, of course. But parties are different.”

“I’d love to see a hobbit party, then.” Fili chuckled.

“You’d have to come to the Shire, though.” Bilbo teased.

Fili shrugged. “I don’t think that would be too bad, actually.” He admitted and then looked at Bilbo with a smile albeit his eyes were serious. “But not before I know what exactly my new name means.”

“Indeed.” Bilbo nodded and smiled a bit wistfully as he started, the Shire on his mind. “Our Flower-name is given to us when we come of age. What happens is that from the moment you are born, your parents start collecting flowers that fit your personality. Not the real flowers, but all parents keep a notebook where they write them all down. When a new character trait shows itself that fits a new flower, it is added to the list. Or a flower is taken off if it later turns out it doesn’t fit as well as first thought. If a child doesn’t have any parents, which mind you, rarely happens in the Shire! But if it happens, a close relative takes over the task. Usually it is the ones raising the child. This goes on until the nearing of the tweens coming-of-age.”

“But won’t the list be incredibly long by then?” Fili frowned.

“Not as much as you’d think.” Bilbo shook his head. “Your daisy for example, it has many meanings. Now if there is only one trait you have that does not fit the daisy or the other way around, it is removed from the list. So usually, there aren’t that many flowers left. The parents must then choose which flower is the one for their child. This is where it gets personal, where we like to keep things in the family. Because they will have to pick you apart trait by trait to find the perfect flower match. And that is not just looking at the good, but also at the bad.”

“Flowers can have bad meanings?”

Bilbo nodded. “There are a few with ill meanings, but those don’t end up on the list. But they will look at things like, for example, pride. One can be proud and respectable. But if one is too proud, one becomes cocky which will then make “proud” a rather unfitting trait because it isn’t positive. Which is what the flowers portray. Positivity in personality and character. Why it is kept private, is because it is our True-name. It is a mirror into our soul which, for understandable reasons, we do not wish to share with anyone other than our direct family.”

Fili bit his lip, shaking his head. “How can it be bad, though? I mean, if a flower only shows your positive side, wouldn’t you want everyone to know?”

“Because your positive traits do not only show positive things. They also show what things are perceived as negative about you. For if they had been positive, another flower would have been chosen that also stands for the trait.” Bilbo chuckled and looked at Fili. “I hope it makes sense.”

Fili nodded a bit absentmindedly, taking everything in and contemplating the information. It was a lot to take in, especially since he didn't know the meaning of any flowers. "Yes," he said after a few seconds. "It does make sense. What isn't good, must be bad."

Bilbo nodded with a small smile. "Yes, perhaps a bit less strict than what I make it sound like, but that's the general idea." He then continued his explanation: "The flower chosen, however, isn't revealed to the person until their coming-of-age. On that day, usually after the celebrations which can last well into the night, they are 'gifted' their Flower-name. It's presented to them in a box, much like you received yours only that the family is there and the mother or father reads out the meaning of the flower gifted." Bilbo chuckled. "This isn't quite necessary, everyone knows the meaning of the flowers after all but it is done nonetheless. The person receiving the flower then presses it."

Fili frowned. "Press it?"

"Yes?" Bilbo asked and then snorted. "You don't know what that is?" _Oh dear_ , he thought, _the general education of dwarves is truly pitiful._

"I'm... no." Fili shook his head.

Bilbo sighed and resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose.

Truly?

“It’s a way to preserve the flower. You put it between a parchment and place the parchment between two heavy objects, usually it is stuck between two heavy books. You leave it for a while; days, not hours. That way, the flower dries out. It might change color a bit but in the end it is completely flat and dry so it won’t wilt away.” Bilbo explained.

Fili looked surprised. “So flowers can actually be preserved?” He seemed completely taken aback by that idea.

Perhaps he was, Bilbo thought. Because knowing what Fili had thought and known of flowers when they first met – pretty – he might indeed not have considered the fact flowers could actually be kept after their growth. To Bilbo it seemed rather silly to not know, but then again he wouldn’t know a ruby from an opal so really who was he to judge?

“They can be, yes. Not forever, perhaps, but they can be kept for a long time; definitely the life-time of a hobbit.” He nodded to himself, thinking back the two portraits hanging next to the hearth in what used to be his parents’ bedroom. One on the left, one on the right. His parents’ framed flowers. He couldn’t help but smile wistfully.

“So what do you do with it when it’s… pressed?”

“You frame it.” Bilbo smiled proudly. “And when it’s framed, it’s usually hung onto the wall of the bedroom. Some chose to store it, but no matter what happens to it, it stays there until the day the hobbit gets married.” Bilbo glanced at Fili and pointed a finger at him. “Mind you, it doesn’t get used to _propose_!”

At this Fili flushed a bit, embarrassment at his mistake returned.

“It’s much more meaningful than that.” Bilbo smiled. “After all the festivities are over and the married couple is finally alone, they exchange their flowers. So in essence, what they do, is they hand over themselves fully and completely, with good and bad things, to their spouse. It’s quite romantic.” He chuckled.

Fili looked quite stunned. He sat on the arm of the chair, looking at Bilbo and not knowing what to say. His mind was reeling, teetering on the brink of disbelief. The meaning of having received a Flower-name from Bilbo had now completely settled in and he wasn't sure if he should be grateful or terrified. It was special and he felt warm inside at the thought that Bilbo trusted him enough to actually share this. But it was, Fili thought, an awful lot of trust placed in someone Bilbo barely knew. Not that Fili felt like betraying that trust, but he might be it accidentally or not.

And there was also a small voice in the back of his mind, nagging him and asking if Bilbo had decided on the flower before blurting it out or not. Because if Bilbo had thought of it before… Well, Fili didn’t dare think of the implications. Instead, he focused on something that wasn’t quite unrelated with the thing he didn’t dare think about but was safe enough to let cross his mind. Because if Bilbo had thought of it before – he must have, to even be able to match a flower to Fili! – did he also discard flowers because of Fili’s bad traits? _Had_ Bilbo though of his bad traits and, if so, what did Bilbo think they were?

He wanted to know. Because bad traits were something someone didn’t like about you and he felt the desperate need to know what Bilbo didn’t like about him. But he didn’t dare ask. Didn’t dare to hear the answer nor did he want to even think of what exactly it meant for him to want nothing more than for Bilbo to think him perfect.

“Uhm, well that’s the entire story.” Bilbo broke the silence, fumbling with the edge of his shirt and intently watching his lap. Fili hadn’t said anything yet and he looked so thoughtful. It was maybe freaking him out a little bit, wondering what exactly the dwarf was thinking. Sure, Fili had been excited and interested when he first started but what would he think now that he knew the full truth?

Fili startled from his thought and looked at Bilbo with wide eyes. He’d been thinking so hard he had forgotten the other was there! _Fool_ , he told himself, _stop thinking about it, it isn’t important._

“Ah, yes. I’m sorry.” Fili apologized awkwardly, looking at Bilbo apologetically with a small smile. “I’m just… it is so different from what I thought. A lot more meaningful, too and all I can say is that I’m truly honored you told me.”

Bilbo smiled, a bit embarrassed. “Well, I am just happy that we have cleared up things now.” He nodded to himself, not adding that he was relieved that Fili wasn’t upset with him.

Fili nodded, clasping Bilbo’s shoulder. “As am I! And I promise you, I shall treasure this as you do.”

“So you won’t tell the company? Your brother?” Bilbo chuckled. “Good luck with that.”

Fili shook his head, firmly stating: “I won’t.” _Besides, they would never let me live it down._ He thought. Then, though, he frowned. “Or rather, not entirely. I might have to give uncle and Kili a short version for it, if not for the fact they might believe we are to be married otherwise.”

Bilbo snorted. “Yes, best not have them think that.” It might, on one side, be hilarious. But he was afraid he would never live down the embarrassment. If Thorin would let him live that long, of course. He resisted the urge to sigh. 

Fili laughed at Bilbo’s disgruntled expression. Perhaps laughing wasn’t the politest of reactions but Bilbo looked rather adorable when annoyed – which actually happened quite often. “Indeed.” Fili nodded and then thought of something. “Now, though, would you be so kind as to help me press the flower you gave me? I’m afraid I’ve never done it before and I would hate to do it wrong.”

Bilbo grinned. “With pleasure!”

\---

Gently placing a piece of parchment over Fili’s daisy, Bilbo couldn’t help but smile.

The last flower he pressed had been his own and he remembered well his mother standing beside him not quite unlike how he was standing besides Fili. Although, of course, it was quite different altogether. For Fili didn’t know a thing of flowers nor flower-pressing. He did not know what kind of pressure a flower could easily handle and what pressure would demolish its beauty. So rather than have Fili press the flower – and, quite possibly, destroy it – Bilbo had offered to do it for him.

A fond smile on his lips, he reached for the tome they had borrowed – without asking, but it was still borrowing – from the library. He placed it atop of the parchment, giving it a soft push before stepping back with a happy sigh.

“All right, now we have to leave it as long as possible.” He nodded, looking at Fili.

Fili, who was looking at the book. “All right, that we shall. Although I am unsure if it will be long for uncle wishes to leave as soon as possible. Surely we will stay for at least another day, do you think that will suffice?”

Bilbo nodded. “It ought to.” He said and with Fili still looking at the book, softly bit his lower-lip. There was something that Fili had said that kept going around his mind, like a mantra wanted and unwanted both at the same time. He knew he shouldn’t want it – _didn’t_ want it, for what good had something akin to this ever brought him before? – but there was also something exciting about wanting something one shouldn’t, now wasn’t there? So he watched Fili and contemplated, let his thoughts run astray in the hopes of finding either courage to ask or cowardice to not do so. 

Curiosity, however, won him over and when Fili suddenly turned to look at him, he couldn’t help but flush. He gave the other a small smile and, completely ignoring the small nervous tremor in his voice, was quick to ask: “So, you like me?”

_Fool_ , he berated himself. _Look at what you’ve asked! You can’t turn back now. You don’t even want him to like you._

Fili looked shocked for a second. Then he shrugged and off-handedly – although there was a slight nervous ring to his voice – returned: “Well, I had to say something, right?”

Bilbo’s eyes widened and an exasperated gasp passing his lips.

What!

Fili had to say _something_?! That was his answer? How utterly rude and unfair!

Not only felt Bilbo cheated, it also hurt.

_But you don’t want him to like you._ He told himself. But on the other hand he did. Oh, he did and that was the part of him that was hurt. Because –

Bilbo froze.

For suddenly there were fingers on his cheeks, calloused but gentle. 

He frowned, raised his eyes and was ready to demand from Fili what the other was thinking he was doing – mocking him first and now this?

But then Fili advanced closer and Bilbo felt hot breath against his lips, making him shudder. Their noses bumped a bit awkwardly and then Fili’s lips were on his.

They were slightly chapped from their travels. But little did that matter, for the softness and gentleness of the kiss had Bilbo’s mind reeling.

A hand slipped into his hair, intensifying the chaste kiss and Bilbo could only gasp, making their breaths mingle which sent a tingle throughout his entire body. Eyes closing on their own accord and mind hazy from the overwhelming feeling of _Fili_ , Bilbo returned the kiss with a passion he never knew he possessed.

At Bilbo’s participation, Fili gasped into the kiss, backing away slightly with Bilbo’s lips subconsciously following his.

Fili stumbled back, pulling his hands away as if he’d been burned and with wide eyes he stared at Bilbo as if the hobbit had grown another head.

“I’m…” He started, but faltered, body trembling slightly as he lowered his eyes to the floor.

Bilbo stood, frowning at Fili. On one hand he wished to ask if the other was all right, had he done something wrong? But on the other hand he was furious. First Fili said he liked him, than it wasn’t so and now this?

What kind of cruel joke was this dwarf playing with his heart?

Fili took a ragged breath, raised his eyes yet they were fixed upon the wall behind Bilbo rather than on Bilbo himself. “Please excuse me.” He mumbled, turned around and fled the room.

Bilbo could only stare, a flush on his cheeks from both embarrassment and anger.

Confound these dwarves!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that kiss in last chapter? Man, you guys don't know how long I've been waiting to write that! This story sort of writes itself without me really having a say in things but some scenes are planned beforehand and that was one of them... So happy it happened now :D
> 
> Here, enjoy some Fili POV in this chapter~ woot woot!

Fili rushed through the halls of Rivendell.

They were like a maze to him for he was quite certain that his and Kili’s room hadn’t been so far away from Bilbo’s before.

Although there was, of course, the possibility he’d already passed it. He was, after all, not paying _that_ much attention.

His mind was still in the room with Bilbo, remembering the other’s wide eyes and hurt expression. His body still trembled from the kiss, his lips tingling and Bilbo’s warmth still lingering on his fingertips. His heart was beating rapidly in his chest and if he could, he would tear it out. His treacherous heart that was shattered into a million little pieces at the same time as his deceitful soul sang in happiness.

What had become of him? His fate? Why must life be so cruel to him?

He took a shuddering breath, hands clenching into fists.

He rounded yet another corner with rushed steps but froze the moment he realized he’d nearly walked into someone.

Not just someone. Lord Elrond.

He looked at the elf lord and decided that he could do with a nod, shakily mumbling: “Hullo,” before stepping around the elf and ready to continue his idle search of his room.

“Is everything all right, young prince?” The lord actually sounded slightly worried.

Something that had Fili turn around and gauge the elf. He could hardly not say anything now. “Fine.” He informed the other curtly.

Elrond raised an eyebrow, looking amused. “You do not seem it, young one.”

Fili bristled, finding it hard to keep his words polite and his emotions in check with everything else running amok in his mind. “I am not that young,” he said, perhaps a bit harshly and added: “lord Elrond.” 

Elrond shook his head, somewhat sad smile tugging at his lips which seemed oddly expressive for him, or so Fili thought. "I am centuries old, young prince. To me you are yet young, although on your face I can already see years beyond you. And seeing the path ahead of you, I fear there are even more to come."

Fili frowned. That sounded an awful lot like Elrond knew what they were there for. "What exactly are you referring to?" He asked, hoping he didn't sound as threatening as he thought - although if he believed Dwalin he sounded as threatening as an offended bunny.

"Peace, prince of Erebor." Elrond raised a hand. "I am not referring to your journey.” He shook his head, raising an eyebrow at Fili, challenging the other to not believe him.

Fili regarded the elf with narrowed eyes, suspicious. If Elrond wasn’t speaking of their journey… “Then what are you referring to, if I may ask.”

Elrond regarded Fili silently for a few moments, his eyes piercing almost like they were looking straight into Fili’s soul. “The matter I refer to is a lot closer to the heart.” 

Fili stared at Elrond, wide-eyed and heart all but in his throat. “W-what?” He asked, voice soft and hoarse and both mind and emotions all over the place. Had the other heard him speak with Bilbo? Seen them? But how could he have, having come from a complete different direction. 

“There is no need to fear, prince Fili.” Elrond shook his head, nothing but a flicker in his eyes giving away the amusement he felt towards the other’s obvious suspicion. “Not I, nor anyone else in my household, has been spying on any of you. I merely know because I am cursed with the gift of foresight.”

Foresight? Fili frowned. So that meant the elf could see into the future? That was… frightening. He would have to tell his uncle about that, it could quite possibly be dangerous. But then he realized which words the other had chose.

“Cursed?”

For a fleeting moment, the lord of Imladris looked old. Grief, the sadness that came with a life as long as his shone brightly in his eyes. But after a second it was gone and he looked at Fili, face blank again. “The future I see is not always a good one.”

The words sent a cold shiver down Fili’s spine. He clenched his hands into fists. “You saw mine.” _And Bilbo’s_

“Aye, yet only the parts fate shows me.” Elrond shook his head and then looked at Fili, speaking softly yet clearly. “Allow me to tell you, that the heart is a fickle thing, yet if it is set on something it is not swayed from its path easily. Even less so when its fate is set in the stars.”

Fili frowned suspiciously. There was something the elf wasn’t telling him about his vision. About Fili’s heart – about _Bilbo_. 

“What did you see? What did this so called fate show you?” Fili was worried, confused. Scared. The way the elf lord spoke, the words he chose. It all told Fili that whatever he had seen, it wasn’t good. His insecurity was visible in his eyes, hearable in his voice which trembled as he spoke. “What darkness will befall me?” _Or Bilbo_

Elrond shook his head with an apologetic smile. He stepped forward and reached out a hand. He let it hover above Fili’s head for a second before settling it upon the dwarf’s shoulder. “Nothing I can tell you now, I am afraid.”

“Why not? It is my fate. Methinks I have a right to know.” Fili argued, feeling tense.

“Many of the things I saw were vague to me. Things I can not possibly put into words.”

Fili felt the tension leave his body, almost breathing a sigh of relief. So perhaps it wasn’t bad at all. The elf lord merely didn’t understand what he had seen. That was… good. He could live with that.

“As for the part I did understand,” Elrond continued, eyes suddenly misted with coldness and his hand tightening on Fili’s shoulder. “I fear you would not believe me even if I told you.”

Fili felt his heart drop.

And when lord Elrond guided him to his room, he did not say a word for he did not know what to say nor was he sure if he wanted to know what the elf lord had meant.

When Elrond turned to leave, Fili stood facing the door. He did not turn around, didn’t even raise his voice. He merely mumbled: “Why?”

He did not expect an answer.

He got one nonetheless.

“Know that nothing in this world happens without reason, young one. All that befalls us, it is all written for a purpose.”

It did not serve to make him feel any better as he entered the room, closing the door upon Elrond’s retreating back.

\---

Fili held his breath, closing his eyes as he sunk down into the tub, allowing the hot water to swallow him whole.

He scrunched his nose for a fleeting moment, the water so hot it nearly burned.

It would help, though, he reasoned.

It would allow him to sit in the tub and only think of the too hot water and forget about everything else.

He pushed himself up into a sitting position, water dripping from his now soaked hair as he emerged. He leaned his head against the back of the tub, staring at the ceiling.

The water was hot.

Steaming hot.

Piping hot.

Hot like the surge he’d felt in his gut when Bilbo had kissed him back.

Burning like the realization that Bilbo wasn’t just a pretty thing to want in bed.

Scorching like his entire future going up in flames.

He clenched his hands into fists.

_Fuck_

From one second to the other, his heart was beating rapidly in his chest and he felt slightly dizzy. 

_How could this be?_ He wondered. How could something be so wonderful yet terrifying at the same time? How could he yearn for Bilbo yet at the same time wish he had never met the hobbit? 

 

Suddenly the bedroom door opened, breaking Fili from his thoughts.

“Fee, you here?”

Fili hummed, the relief he felt at hearing his brother’s voice was instant.

Things weren’t fine. Far from it. But at least now he knew he wouldn’t panic, because at least Kili was here.

“What are you doing here all alone anyway? Something happened?” The question was followed by the sound of Kili’s heavy boots dropping to the floor. “Oh!” Kili cried, chuckling before his tone dropped to a teasing murmur. “Does it have something to do with that _flower_ master Baggins gave you?”

Fili flinched at the mentioning of Bilbo, unconsciously clenching his hands into fists in the water. He swallowed, trying to wet his suddenly dry mouth. His mind raced, trying to grasp to words to speak, _anything_. But nothing came to mind and before he could even splutter, Kili was talking again.

“Mustn’t have been good if you’re here!” Kili laughed, the sound of clothes being thrown somewhere filtering into the bathroom. “Ya know what, after we’ve bathed I’ll braid your hair real nice, and you’ll do mine of course! So that at dinner, we look like the princes we are.” Kili chuckled, sounding smug as he continued and his voice getting louder and louder as he made his way to the bathroom. “We ought to and not just for that lord Elrond. But let me tell you, brother, they might be elves but some of them are pretty fine! I wouldn’t mind landing myself one and if the hobbit is being a pain in the arse, not too literally of course, you might consider –”

Like lightening stroke Kili stopped talking.

Fili took a trembling breath, turning his head slightly so he could see his brother who was now standing in the doorway.

Kili – naked as the day he was born – stood gaping at Fili. There was no humor on his face, merely worry. “Fee?” Kili’s voice was soft, a slight tremor in it which indicated his worry. He might not have known upon entering, but it was obvious that now he realized very well that something was wrong. 

Fili turned his head back so it was directed at the ceiling, clenching his eyes shut. 

_Kee, help!_ A part of him screamed. Words he wished to utter but couldn’t. 

His heart felt like it was ready to tear itself out of his chest and his voice trembled when he brokenly whispered into the room: “It’s him.”

“Excuse me?” Confusion laced Kili’s tone.

Fili gasped for air. His entire body both burned and ached and he wasn’t even sure he was speaking, for he could hardly believe he would ever speak these words. 

But it was his voice drifting through the room, although it sounded desperate, hoarse. “He’s the One.”

“Fee, I’m sorry but I don’t know what –” Kili started but stopped abruptly. He was at Fili’s side in the blink of an eye, kneeling at the side of the pool and cupping Fili’s cheek in his palm, forcing his brother to look at him. His brown eyes caught Fili’s, a fleeting hint of desperation in them. When he saw what was in Fili’s eyes, the happiness mixed with the sorrow and the fear, he could only mutter one breathless word. “No.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I didn't intend for Thorin to be this way, he just sort of writes himself! But then again, Fili must get it from somewhere in the family, right...?

“Can you be mistaking?” Kili was sitting in the tub behind his brother. He had his fingers buried deep into his brother’s golden locks, massaging the other’s scalp and swiping soap over the other’s hair. He had a frown on his face yet not of concentration of his job but out of worry for his brother. He sincerely hoped he would get a positive reply to his question.

Fili leaned into his brother’s touch, happy for the fact that Kili had always loved playing with his hair – whether it be attempting braids or washing it for him when, before, he’d been unable to due to injuries. 

For a moment he thought about the kiss, wondering if Kili might be right and he could have mistaken his feelings for something they hadn’t been. The illusion only lasted a second, for he knew he wasn’t wrong. He wasn’t sure how, didn’t have the proper words to verbally explain the emotion but he just _knew_.

“No,” he sighed and shook his head. Now that he’d told Kili what had happened the initial shock at his realization had left him and he could think a bit more clear than he’d been able to before. “It’s strange, Kee. This feeling… I just know he’s the one.”

Kili frowned. “But you didn’t before.” He then raised an eyebrow. “Or did you lie when you told me you didn’t want to court him?”

“I never lied.” Fili felt offended his brother would even think such a thing! “I’ve always felt a pull, that’s true but not like this. Not like when he kissed me back. It felt like everything was as it should be. It was like… I never realized I was missing a part of myself until then and my entire soul rejoiced and my heart is calling out to Bilbo.” He felt warm as he spoke the words, fingers itching for no-one other than Bilbo. 

Kili paused his actions, hesitating. “You have to tell him.”

Fili froze and turned around, Kili’s hands slipping from his hair and falling into the water. “No.” He shook his head, voice firm and eyes sparkling with a hint of fear. “No, I don’t and I won’t.”

Kili’s eyebrows drew together and he looked at his brother with confusion. “But Fee, he should know!”

Fili shook his head firmly again, taking a deep breath. This was something he was set upon and no matter how much others would think it was Bilbo’s right to know, he would not be swayed. “He shouldn’t.” He swallowed. “What do I gain from telling him? I will only hear what I already know. That it will not work. That he is a hobbit and I am a dwarf and how ridiculous is that? We know nothing of each other. Not only that, we know nothing of each other’s race so why would he even return my call in the slightest while he could have any hobbit he wants? Or hobbit lass! I do not even know what he prefers.”

Kili snorted and swatted his brother’s shoulder. “Don’t be a fool. He kissed you back. I am quite certain there is some interest there.”

“Act of the moment.” Fili argued and then sighed. “Besides, whatever interest is there will never be the same as mine. So I will find Bilbo, apologize for my actions with an excuse. I will not make things uncomfortable between us for the sake of getting this off of my chest.”

Kili looked dejected. “So you’re not even going to try?”

“I do not need to tell him to have to try.” Fili shrugged but both brothers knew that he meant little of it.

Kili sighed. “It truly is sad, then. When you first told me he was your One I despaired. But hearing your story it kindled hope within me for it sounds like he does like you. I will not force you to do something you do not wish to do. But tell him, Fee. Perhaps not now but… when you are ready tell him.” He shook his head with a humorless laugh. “From he sounds of it I think he might surprise you.”

Fili snorted. “You could be wrong.”

“Aye. But you’d never know.”

 

After that they bathed in silence.

Kili finished washing his brother's hair and then moved to scrub the other's back - a tradition kept up by the two whenever Fili was in one of his gloomier moods. It always reminded Kili so much of their uncle, the silence and dark brooding. He just prayed his brother wouldn't end up as his uncle - meaning he didn't want Fili to end up utterly alone.

They got out of the bath, Kili retrieving two big, fluffy towels from the chair the elves had hung them over. He handed one to Fili as they wordlessly dried themselves before slipping into easy linen pants.

"It might not be to impress anyone in particular, but I'm still going to braid your hair." Kili said, not saying that he silently hoped that if his brother looked regal the hobbit might take a shine to him - if he hadn't already.

Fili nodded, on his way to the bed straight away. “That’d be nice.” He said, sitting down facing Kili and crossing his legs. “Who would have ever thought you would be the one doing my hair!” Fili joked.

Kili laughed, making his way over to his brother now with comb and Fili’s hair-clasps and beads in hand. “Who would’ve guessed, indeed.” He chuckled, putting everything down onto the bed except for the comb, with which he started Fili’s hair. “Everyone always said I was the wild one who always got into trouble with hair looking like a bird’s nest.” He laughed, tugging at the comb a bit roughly when he encountered a particularly stubborn knot.  
Fili flinched, glaring at his brother.

Kili ignored the glare with a small smirk at his lips. It was always like this.

Then his smirk dropped and he shook his head, combing softer now that the knot was out. “But look at us now. It feels like the first time it’s not _me_ who is in big trouble.”

Fili froze. Kili might not have meant to turn the conversation back to Bilbo but it was where Fili’s mind jumped to straight away. He sort of was in big trouble, wasn’t he? 

There was no way he could just chose someone else to be his One. So other than tell Bilbo – and most likely get rejected – or pretend he just didn’t have a One – he’d forever feel like he missed a piece of himself but at least no-one would ask – there wasn’t any way to actually get out of trouble.

He bit his lip and shook his head – earning himself a tug at his hair from Kili who had begun separating some locks of hair to make the first braid. He winced and glared at his brother before sighing in resignation. “At least I didn’t intentionally get myself into this.”

Kili huffed, tugging at the half-done braid again. “No, but you’re also not going to smooth-talk yourself out of it either.” Kili shook his head, finishing the braid. “Hand me the clasp, would ya.”

Fili wordlessly handed Kili the clasp.

Kili started a new braid in silence, not quite knowing what to say that could cheer his brother up. He had things to say, aye, but in some way all of these related to the hobbit one way or another.

Kili finished with the second braid quickly – he knew all Fili’s braids by heart, longing for the day he earned them for himself – and started another one.

“You know, I _can_ smooth-talk myself out of this.” Fili stated suddenly, voice soft and deadpan.

Kili frowned, feeling a bit worried. “How so?” 

Fili let out a humorless laugh. “Simply by telling _myself_ that this is how things are to be. Surely if I do it often enough I shall start to believe it.”

Kili sighed sadly. “Brother…” he mumbled, gently threading his fingers through Fili’s hair, trying to comfort both of them.

 

Suddenly there was a knock and both Fili and Kili startled from their melancholic states.

They looked at each other first and the door was thrown open before either brother could answer.

Their heads snapped to the door, where Thorin stood. He was watching them with a frown.

“Uncle,” Fili said, politely nodding his head. He had a sinking feeling that he knew what his uncle was here for.

“Fili, Kili.” Thorin said in greeting, closing the door and turning to face his nephews. He didn’t step closer, merely regarded the two with a pensive expression. “How are you two fairing?”

“We are well.” Fili answered.

“Yes, just got out of bath.” Kili added.

Thorin nodded. “And you are practicing your braiding skills, I see.”

Kili nodded and then, always the one speaking before thinking, said: “Uncle, not that we aren’t happy to see you.” He released Fili’s hair and turning to fully face Thorin while placing a protective hand atop Fili’s knee.

Fili swallowed. He wasn’t the only one that had a hunch about Thorin’s presence, it seemed.

Kili smiled at Thorin, leaning his head to the side questioningly. “But is there anything we can help you with?”

Thorin walked towards his nephews then, stopping at the foot-end of the bed. “Nothing you two need to worry about.” He assured them and then turned his eyes to Fili. “I merely would like to confirm whether or not some rumors I’ve heard are true.”

Fili swallowed, resisting the urge to fidget his fingers.

Instead he raised his chin and caught his uncle’s eyes – praying the other did not catch his inner-turmoil and nervousness. “What rumors, uncle?”

Thorin crossed his arms in front of his chest, shaking his head disapprovingly – which did _not_ make Fili feel like a little child being scolded. “You know which rumors, do not pretend to be dumb.”

Fili’s breath hitched, feeling cold and wanting nothing rather than to hide. Not for being scolded, but for the tone he was being scolded in. It booked no argument, the answer Thorin expected to have – and _would_ get, no matter what he had to do for Fili to do so – clear in his disapproving and almost threatening tone.

Bilbo Baggins better _not_ have proposed to Fili. And if he had, Mahal forbid and protect the hobbit’s life, then Fili had better rejected him and put him into place.

“Apologies, uncle. I did not mean to be ignorant.” Fili said, keeping eye-contact even though his heart beat fast and loud in his chest and his skin tingled from mere nervousness. “I merely wanted to be sure we spoke of the same rumors before I tell you that you needn’t worry.”

Thorin frowned darkly. “So word that the hobbit gave you a flower and proposed is untrue?” He sounded slightly hopeful.

Fili felt a twist in his gut at his uncle’s tone and even Kili’s hand pressed down a bit firmer onto his knee. “Not truly.” Fili shook his head.

Thorin took a deep breath at that, obviously having a hard time _not_ shouting at his heir.

Fili felt a twinge of victory at his uncle’s reaction, lips twitching into a small smirk before he schooled his expression and explaining: “He did give me a flower but it wasn’t meant as a proposal. A miscommunication due to our different races, luckily.”

“Good,” Thorin heaved a sigh, expression softening and giving Fili a small, barely-there smile. “For a moment I had been afraid your closeness to the hobbit had indeed turned into something scandalous. But I am relieved to find that it is merely friendship.” He nodded to himself. “That is good, although do not forge a friendship with him that is too deep. I wish the hobbit to do his job before sending him home straight away. Methinks I can not take any more whining about that dreadful Shire.”

“Uncle!” Kili gasped, looking at his uncle with wide eyes. “Surely he isn’t one of us, but master Baggins is not that bad. He is adapting quite well, too, considering where he comes from.”

Fili felt some of the coldness seep out of his body at his brother’s words, happy and grateful Kili was defending Bilbo.

Thorin’s gaze immediately snapped to Kili. “Should I be worried for you as well, Kili?” He demanded.

Kili huffed, crossing his arms in front of his chest defiantly. “Only if you continue degrading our friend like that.”

Nodding, Thorin turned around. “Good.” He said and made his way to the door. “I expect the two of you to look respectable tonight and keep to yourselves as much as possible.” He had opened the door and turned to give his nephews a warning look. “I think there have been enough rumors already, don’t you agree?”

Before either could agree, Thorin had left the room and closed the door.

“Well,” Fili deadpanned, hands clenched into fists on the bed-sheets and eyes steely set on the door. “It’s a good thing I wasn’t planning Bilbo in the first place.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Nano has stared~ whoohoo!
> 
> Just wanted to let you know I will most likely be writing a LOT of Hobbit fanfiction. Will also be getting (hopefully) quite ahead with this one.
> 
> I will most likely not post this one any more than I am now BUT you can all expect a LOT more Hobbit fanfiction from me! Right now I am working on a Fili x Bilbo, a Kili x Bilbo and a Dwalin x Bilbo (and probably a Fili x Kili x Bilbo too and a lot more)!
> 
> So, Bilbo will be getting a lot of love this Nano!
> 
> For now I hope you all enjoy this chapter <3

After Fili left Bilbo was completely confused.

His mind was all over the place and for a long time after the kiss all he could think was _'Bugger, I like Fili.'_

It shook him up quite a bit, as he had decided a long time ago to never do love again.

He staggered to his room where he smoked a pipe and allowed himself some time to think.

 

Thinking, of course, wasn’t good.

The first thing that came to mind was how good the kiss had felt and how he wanted more. More of that kiss and more of Fili. It made him blush and look around a bit paranoid to make sure no-one was watching – which, of course, no-one was.

Gosh. It had been ages since he’d last felt attracted to someone like he did to Fili. It wasn’t unnecessarily unwelcome. Or at least, the physical attraction wasn’t. But where there was physical attraction there was… _more_.

And that was what scared Bilbo.

_No, no! Please don’t go where I can’t follow… I beg you!_

Bilbo shuddered at the memory, the broken words and devastating sobs. He brought pipe up to his mouth and taking a shaky breath.

_Right_ , he told himself. _That’s why anything more than friendship or physical attraction is out of the question._

It would probably be fine, too. He wasn't out here to find love and, as he'd once been told, might even be incapable to love another.

Not that he minded, it was quite fine like that.

So as long as he didn't truly fall for Fili, it would be just fine. And as Fili was a dwarf - quite young for one, too, a bit immature and mean in some situations - he was quite certain it wouldn't happen. A hobbit falling for a dwarf - he chuckled - now who had ever heard of that?

 

Later, Bilbo found himself wandering Rivendell's halls - trying to absorb its beauty while he could - when he passed a balcony. He paused before it, taking in the stunning view.

From here, he could actually see a big part of the valley and entranced, he walked towards the edge of the balcony.

He wasn't sure exactly how long he stood there, watching the scenery. But suddenly he heard footsteps behind him and when he turned he found lord Elrond walking up to him.

He couldn't help but smile, thinking a conversation with the lord might ease his mind just like it had before.

\---

After Kili had braided his hair, Fili felt like taking a walk.

He felt slightly trapped in this room with his brother and his worried glances and careful words.

So he went out, wandering the elven home in an attempt to clear his mind and forget about both the hobbit and his uncle's words.

 

He hadn't expected to come across Bilbo and lord Elrond.

\---

“Not with your companions?” Elrond asked as he walked up to Bilbo, giving the hobbit a raised eyebrow.

Bilbo felt a bit startled at the unexpected question. He thought of the company for a second and shook his head with a soft sigh. “Uh, no, I –I shant’ be missed.” 

He considered for a second that Fili might miss him – or was that hope? The other had ran away, after all and wasn’t that enough indication that someone wanted to be alone? He glanced at Elrond who was watching the scenery as Bilbo had been doing before. 

The lord didn’t speak, merely watched and it made Bilbo realize that maybe he was asking more with the question then Bilbo had initially thought.

He hesitated, but eventually added: “The truth is that most of them don’t think I should be on this journey.”

“Indeed.” Elrond spoke slowly.

The simple word made Bilbo wonder what the other had heard. Or seen, he had heard from Arwen that Elrond was gifted with foresight. Did his foresight show him of their journey? Did it show Elrond the dwarves’ reluctance to have Bilbo along? The only two that might not have minded having him along were Fili and Bofur and with the situation with Fili… Bilbo was sure only Bofur would actually talk to him now.

Elrond must have picked up on Bilbo’s hesitance, for the next words he spoke were: “I’ve heard that hobbits are very resilient.”

Bilbo couldn’t help the huff of laughter that escaped him. True to what he heard about elves, Elrond was speaking in riddles. Although the fact he was called resilient also sparked his interest. “Really?”

Elrond turned to watch Bilbo, regarding the hobbit silently for a few seconds taking in the other’s stance, the emotions on his face, evaluating what to say. “I’ve also heard they’re fond of the comforts of home.” 

Bilbo frowned unhappily for a second before looking around with a sigh. He had hoped to get some advice from Elrond, although on what he wasn’t sure now. Peace of mind, Fili, the company it all bothered him right now but he wasn’t sure what questions to ask. He had a feeling Elrond knew that – he was a very wise elf, after all. But if that was true, the elf wasn’t helping him at all! “I’ve heard that it’s unwise to seek the council of elves, that they will answer with yes and no.” He said, giving Elrond a pointed look.

Elrond, to Bilbo’s surprise, actually looked amused by his words, lips curling up into a small smile. Then, however, he turned serious again. “You are very welcome to stay here.” He offered, turning his back to the balcony and putting his hand atop of Bilbo’s shoulder for a second and looking down at Bilbo.

Bilbo couldn’t help but gape at the lord. He couldn’t be hearing this correctly, could he?

“If that is your wish.” Elrond added and then with a re-assuring nod walked away to leave Bilbo to his thoughts again.

Watching Elrond leave and repeating the conversation again in his head Bilbo realized that the lord might not have given him council. He had, however, given Bilbo a way out.

And a generous one at that.

\---

When he heard lord Elrond leave, Fili had the common sense to quickly hide in an alcove - although when the lord strode by he was quite certain there was an amused twitch of his lips as his eyes glanced into Fili's general direction.

He didn't pay it too much attention, though.

Because leaning against the wall he felt very much like he'd just trained with Dwalin and had been hit in the gut. Hard.

Elrond’s offer… it wasn’t exactly that which made him feel breathless and perhaps even slightly scared. No, it was the thought that Bilbo might actually take the lord up on his offer that actually scared him.

Although perhaps scared wasn’t the right word. It was more of a dark feeling, deep down within him that wouldn’t even dare to think about losing Bilbo. But there was also a small wave of relief at the thought that at least here Bilbo would be safe.

It was confusing to say the least and in the end all Fili could feel was angry at Elrond for even offering Bilbo to stay in the first place! The elf might not know the exact reason of their journey – although with elves, one could never know – but he surely knew it was important. That Bilbo was important! Because why else would a group of dwarves have taken a hobbit along on their journey?

So could that mean Elrond was offering out of actually concern? If that was the case… well, then Fili feared they might lose Bilbo. For the hobbit had found more kindness here in the elves than he had in the dwarves so far. 

 

Fili took a deep breath.

He felt conflicted.

On the one hand he wanted to rush out onto the balcony, grab Bilbo’s shoulders and _demand_ he came along on the journey. He signed the contract, he promised Fili and he couldn’t possible leave them – him!

But on the other hand he wanted to turn around and walk away. To leave the decision up to Bilbo and secretly be torn between wanting him to come and wanting him to stay.

The decision was easily made. For if Bilbo wasn’t mad at him already, he would most certainly be when he found out that Fili had been eavesdropping on his conversation with Elrond.

Shaking his head with a resigned sigh, Fili stepped out of his hiding place and started walking away into the same direction as Elrond.

He would have to properly apologize to Bilbo for he could hardly just ignore what had happened between them. But not now. He needed to think on what to say. What excuse to give. He couldn’t tell Bilbo he had kissed him because it had been all he could think about. Although he’d rather tell Bilbo that than add that he ran away because he realized that the hobbit was actually his One.

It was so strange. Normally he always knew exactly what to say and how to twist and use words to get what he wanted. 

Silver-tongue, smooth-talker, he had been called many things.

But apparently when it came to Bilbo – or were it his emotions? Either sounded quite reasonable – he just didn’t know what to say.

 

He was about to round a corner when he heard: “Fili?”

He froze at the familiar voice and surprised tone.

_Fuck_

He could hardly run away now. But he also knew that he also just couldn’t talk to Bilbo without actually apologizing.

He took a slightly unsteady breath, reminded himself he wasn’t called silver-tongue without reason, and turned around.

“Bilbo, hello.” He smiled at the hobbit, but it looked nervous and almost wry. 

Bilbo didn’t look all too comfortable either. He nervously pulled at his clothing and the smile he gave Fili in return wavered a bit.

_I was just looking for you._ Was what Fili wanted to say. _I wanted to apologize for before._

But what actually came out was: “I– you see, I was… I wanted to uh, apologize.”

For a fleeting moment, Bilbo looked confused. That confusion, though, quickly blended into relief and he shrugged, a small smile on his lips. “Thanks, I guess.” He said and walked towards Fili. When he stood in front of the other his eyes dart around the hallway for a second before settling on Fili. “I do appreciate it.” He nodded. “But it’s not quite necessary. I mean, I do understand why you…” He trailed off and waved a hand in the air. “You know.”

Fili only felt slightly disturbed that Bilbo didn’t ask if he was apologizing for the kiss or for running away. It was like he was happy to believe it is for both.

That hurt.

But wasn’t it also what he wanted? To not have the drama and the awkwardness so he could just try and ignore Bilbo – or at least his feelings towards the hobbit – altogether? Shouldn’t he, instead of being hurt by what Bilbo was – or wasn’t – saying just accept it and roll with it because it would, in the end, be the best?

He wet his lips before nodding. “Yes, well… that’s good.”

Bilbo nodded, too, with a small smile. “Good.” He echoed and then fidgeted. “So, uhm, I was on my way to the kitchen to fetch something to eat. So, I will see you around, I guess.”

Fili nodded. “Sure.” He said and was quite happy to let Bilbo rush away from their conversation.

When the other was out of sight, he sighed. That had gone fan-fucking-tastic.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And they finally, finally have left Rivendell! It took them ages, but they did it...
> 
> Enjoy~ <3

Bilbo was quite happy for the rest he had at Rivendell.

From the moment they left, it felt like they were racing towards Erebor. 

It wasn’t that they were _running_. Because they weren’t, not really.

But Bilbo’s legs were shorter than the dwarves’ and he wasn’t as used to the amount of exercise so at some points, he was having a hard time keeping up.

A few hours into their journey of that day Thorin had paused and shot Bilbo a disapproving glance – nothing strange there. He had commented, rather loudly at that, that it seemed that Bilbo was lagging behind quite often. 

Bilbo couldn’t really do or say something. Despite his best intentions, it was true. 

“Mayhap someone should carry ‘im!” Dwalin joked with a laugh.

Bilbo squeaked, looking at the warrior with a shocked expression. “Carry me?” He asked, voice full of disbelief. “I think not!”

“Then you should be sure to keep up with us.” Thorin raised a daring eyebrow.

Bilbo huffed, crossing his arms in front of his chest. Sure, he wasn’t used to traveling this much. Sure, he wasn’t that much of a warrior. But this was just unfair. And he would be damned if he didn’t at least voice that reasoning!

“I am trying. But the pace you set is quick, even for some of you that are _not_ a hobbit.” Bilbo pointed out – noticing that only Ori actually gave a small nod of agreement at his words. “A hobbit whose legs, mind you, are shorter than yours. So not only do I need to move fast, I also need to set an extra half step for every one of yours.”

An uncomfortable silence feel between the company during which Bilbo defiantly looked at Thorin and Thorin merely glared at him.

Then, Thorin turned his head away, signaling for everyone to continue walking again. “Just keep up with us, halfling.”

And if the pace was just a bit slower after that, well, who was Bilbo to complain?

\---

When later that day Kili dropped back from his position at the front of their group to join Bilbo at the back, Bilbo couldn’t help but frown suspiciously.

Whatever could Kili want?

“That was quite brave.” Kili commented with a small smirk.

“What was?”

Kili rolled his eyes. “Standing up to uncle. I can assure you, many wouldn’t.”

“Ah, well…” Bilbo started and glanced at Thorin before looking at Kili a bit embarrassed. “He is quite intimidating. But that doesn’t mean he can treat me like… like a doormat!”

Kili chuckled. “True, that.” Then he glanced at his uncle. “He has been treating you unfairly, though.” Then his eyes shifted to his brother. “But he isn’t the only one.”

Bilbo almost stumbled over his own feet, head snapping up to Kili. “What?”

“Careful, master Baggins.” Kili said, patting Bilbo’s shoulder with an amused glint in his eyes. “If you trip I am afraid uncle will order us all to leave you lying on the ground and quickly run away.” He laughed.

“Ah, w-well…” Bilbo mumbled, feeling embarrassed and looking down at his feet – at least he was looking at where he was going now, right?

“But that won’t happen.” Kili continued with a laugh. “I must say you are keeping up quite well, all things considered.”

“Thanks,” Bilbo smiled at Kili.

He still wondered what exactly the other wanted – before they hadn’t exactly been friends – but at least Kili was being nice now. 

They walked in silence for a few minutes, Kili’s eyes constantly switching from Bilbo to Fili. After he caught Kili looking at him _another_ time, Bilbo sighed. He had a feeling what this was about now.

“Kili.”

“Yes?”

Bilbo hesitated, but only for a moment, before firmly stating: “If this is about your brother I think we both know that we have had this conversation before.”

“It isn’t!” Kili cried. “Or well, it is.” He added, trailing off a bit.

Bilbo shot Kili a dark look. He wasn’t going to be scolded again for something he didn’t do, thank you very much!

“Not like last time, though.” Kili added, flailing his arms a bit and shaking his head. 

The movement made Thorin glance back at the two, throwing them a suspicious glare which Kili waved off with a grin.

Then he turned back to Bilbo, all humor from his face. “You see, I just wanted to… uhm, explain.”

Bilbo frowned. “Explain what?” 

“About uhm, you know.” Kili said, nodding at his brother’s back. “It's complicated, you know?”

Bilbo looked completely unimpressed and positively annoyed. Kili’s explanation was that it was _complicated_? He bristled slightly, hoping for his sanity that the other would come with an more elaborate explanation. If not, he was quite certain he would never speak to Kili again.

Kili – thank Yavanna – wasn’t done, though. “I'm not saying I know all his reasons but I do know he didn't mean any harm. I know he feels badly right now, thinking he's caused any. So I do hope you won't hold a grudge against him for... well." He waved a hand in the air, clearly meaning _kissing you_.

Bilbo pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. These dwarves… he couldn’t believe them. Especially Kili who was now in all seriousness trying to explain to him why his brother had kissed him. It was close to being hilarious, Bilbo thought. But then, it really wasn’t, now was it? Plus, as far as explanations went, this one was pretty bad – although, of course, one could wonder if it was even worth explaining.

Frowning, Bilbo glanced at Kili – he really ought to be looking at the ground more, he didn’t want to trip – and deadpanned: “Really, that’s it?”

“Excuse me?”

Bilbo sighed. “That is your explanation? That he didn’t mean it and asking me to not be mad at him?” He finished quite angrily, lips pressed together in a thin line. He hadn’t even been mad at Fili to begin with – not really! – but now he was getting annoyed for sure.

“Well, yes?” Kili nodded with a small frown. Then he elaborated: “I mean, being mad at him or holding a grudge in our current situation is just not good. We are traveling, after all, quite a dangerous journey so it is important that at least between us all there is no animosity.”

“Tell that to your uncle.” Bilbo muttered darkly with a glare sent towards said dwarf. Then he shook his head with a sigh and looked at Kili again. “And just so you know, I am not mad at your brother. I was never angry with him.” He shook his head and sighed. 

He could also tell Kili that he had been annoyed and confused. That his head had hurt with the amount of time he’d spent thinking on that kiss. That now he felt hurt because what was really being said was that Fili had made a mistake and felt bad about it. But then again, it had been just a kiss, so it didn’t matter that much right? It was better to forgive and forget, after all. For both their friendship and Bilbo’s sanity.

Kili breathed a sigh of relief at Bilbo’s words, grinning widely. “Oh, well that’s a relief! We consider you our friend so that is surely good to hear.”

Bilbo frowned. “We?” Kili considered him a friend? Since when?

“Of course!” Kili exclaimed like it was the most normal thing to say – like he hadn’t been mean to Bilbo and like everyone in the company actually liked Bilbo. He slapped Bilbo on the back, laughing merrily as the poor hobbit stumbled under the assault. “You have proven yourself and you shall have to try hard to get rid of me now!”

Bilbo laughed, albeit a bit uncomfortably as he felt the spot where Kili had hit him throb slightly. He had to admit, he was quite curious – he wasn’t sure if that was in a good or a bad way – to see what a friendship with Kili would bring.

\---

Throughout the day talk about Bilbo not having learned how to use his sword yet came up.

"Wanted to teach ya b'fore but ye n'ver showed." Dwalin said, glaring at Bilbo although there was no heat behind it.

Bilbo shrugged with a small grin. "I was a bit busy."

Dwalin laughed. "Busy my arse! Ye've been running from me the moment ya found out, aye?"

Bilbo thought of denying it. He knew however that it was sort of true. He had stayed away from the company throughout most of their stay in Rivendell. Not intentionally due to his upcoming sword-fighting lessons but more due to avoiding Fili. But the group didn't know and well, a little white lie to make things look a bit more favorable for him - in regards of Fili, that is as everyone still joked he had actually proposed to the prince - didn't hurt. Better have them believe he was running from fight-lessons with Dwalin than a chance of being in the same room as Fili.

"Aye," he admitted.

Dwalin, though, saw right through him. "Nuttin' to do with that flower of ya?"

"O-of course not!" Bilbo spluttered. Why was Dwalin so interested in talking to him anyway? It wasn't as if he had before and if it was only to tease him... well, then if he was completely honest he would admit that he didn't mind. Slowly the dwarves were starting to open up to him and Bilbo was happy for it. It made the days more enjoyable to actually have someone to talk to.

"Sure, sure." Dwalin laughed. "Been told ya didn' pr'pose after all."

"No!" Bilbo shook his head vigorously. "Of course not." He huffed, feeling a bit undignified everyone seemed to think he would propose to someone after such a short period of time without any courting!

Dwalin laughed, terribly amused by the hobbit's squeaking at his teasing. "So what's the flower for?" He then asked with a raised eyebrow.

Bilbo huffed. By now Bofur, Dori and Balin were listening in on the conversation although Bilbo had a hunch almost everyone was listening. Not that he really minded that much. In fact, it was quite gratifying to have Dwalin ask him questions for before it had seemed the warrior had shared Thorin’s view on him. It seemed a marriage proposal that wasn’t a marriage proposal did a lot as to how the dwarves viewed you. "If you must know, it is a hobbit tradition. Quite private things, mind you, hobbit traditions."

Dwalin laughed, throwing his head back before smirking at Bilbo. "So our lil' golden prince is getting special treatment then?"

In front of them, Fili stumbled.

The dwarves laughed merrily at Fili’s clumsiness and said dwarf kept walking, refusing to look back at the hobbit that was watching him with a frown.

“No, not really.” Bilbo shook his head. It was just that Fili was the only one that really tried to get close to him.

He had. And it had all gone a bit awry. So whereas before they had been friends now they were just… awkward.

Maybe it would help if he told everyone that the whole Flower Naming for Fili hadn’t been his intention. Would that show Fili that Bilbo really only wanted to be friends? Would that end the ignoring they both did? Would it cut through the tense air between them? Would it make the awkwardness go away?

Really, all Bilbo wanted was to be friends.

_Yeah, right_. Some part in the back of his mind supplied, but he ignored it.

He _did_ want to be _just_ friends.

“You see, the whole flower-thing was –”

Dwalin cut Bilbo off by putting a hand on his shoulder.

Bilbo fell silent straight away, glancing up at Dwalin with big eyes. 

“’s ‘ll right, laddie.” Dwalin said and shook his head. 

“Yeah!” Bofur spoke up. “No need to explain. We’re just messing with ya.”

“Yes, there is absolutely no need to take everything they say to heart.” Ori promised Bilbo with a soft smile.

Bilbo flushed a bit in embarrassment, realizing that he had indeed taken the teasing a bit too seriously. “All right.”

Dwalin chuckled and slapped Bilbo on the back. “Do take all I tell ya t’night to heart, though.” He laughed.

Bilbo swallowed. “Tonight?”

“Aye. Ya won’t be escaping me for any longer. Lessons start t’night after dinner.” 

Bilbo wished it was the next morning already.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I absolutely love Dwalin!
> 
> And look, look! I am starting to fix things :D

Bilbo felt a bit unsteady on his feet.

Out of place. Or rather, out of his comfort zone. Like a dwarf living in a tree out of his comfort zone.

He wasn't cut out for this. Heck he was convinced hobbits as a whole weren't created with the intention to be able to do this!

He swallowed and looked at Dwalin in front of him. 

Dwalin who was looking at him with undisguised amusement. Bilbo suspected their audience wasn't giving him any different looks. Although when he peeked to the left he saw Ori looking at him with pity - like he understood completely. Next to Ori stood Fili and Kili. Kili was watching with an excited grin and gave Bilbo a thumbs up when he saw him watching. Fili however – Bilbo had tried not to look, but how couldn’t he? – was starting to look slightly alarmed. Perhaps it was the panic in Bilbo’s eyes, but it didn’t calm him down in the least. In fact, if Fili – who he’d been told had been trained by Dwalin himself – looked alarmed shouldn’t he be running to save his life?

He didn’t get the chance.

“Ready, little mouse?" Dwalin's low, gruff voice startled Bilbo.

He looked at the warrior, who he'd never seen more amused, with his own sword - which, mind you, was twice the size of Bilbo's - and his knuckle dusters and his air of confidence. 

Bilbo felt dizzy. "Oh, I think I might be getting a bit unwell."   
Dwalin's laughter was loud and booming and he shook his head. After a few seconds he quieted down, though and gave Bilbo a not-so-reassuring smile. "E'one feels like tha' ta first time, lad."

Bilbo wasn't quite sure whether he believed Dwalin or not. But then again the other didn't seem like the kind of person to speak untruths. Besides, it sort of made him feel better didn’t it? 

Bilbo took a breath, nervously biting his lower lip. “So, uhm, shouldn’t we start with… oh, I don’t know, branches or wooden sticks?”

“Sticks?” Dwalin laughed. “Ya scared, laddie?”

Bilbo couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow. “Is that surprising?” 

“Guess not.” Dwalin shrugged. “Yet we ain’t got a lotta time to teach ya how to use that sword so we’ll ‘ave to make tha most of it.”

Bilbo swallowed. It didn’t sound all too good that he was getting a crash-course in how to use his sword. 

“Show me yer stance.” Dwalin ordered.

Bilbo furrowed his brow. “My what?” 

Around them, the others chuckled and Dwalin sighed, dragging a palm down his temple.

Bilbo flushed slightly, feeling embarrassed and a bit ridiculous, standing here and having the entire company watching him. Laughing at him.

He thought he probably looked quite the fool.

Dwalin seemed to pick up on his insecurity straight away, for he turned to their audience and ordered: “I want all of ya buggers outta here! ‘Tis no use teaching ‘im with ya lot here.”

When everyone started walking away – although some did protest at losing their entertainment – Bilbo breathed a sigh of relief.

Yes, this was much better. 

“Fili, Kili!” Dwalin called. “You lads stay. Might need yer help with ‘im.”

Bilbo’s head shot up to watch the brothers straight away.

_Oh dear._

\---

It was all a quite awkward affair, Bilbo thought.

With no audience and two extra hands to help, Dwalin told Fili to take his place as Bilbo’s opponent so that Kili and him could direct Bilbo as he brawled.

Bilbo swallowed, glancing at Fili and feeling a bit insecure. Things were still terribly awkward between them and he didn’t think they had actually exchanged any words since leaving Rivendell. Ignorance was bliss for the both of them.

Fili, though, was looking at Dwalin with a small, thoughtful frown. “Isn’t it better for me to direct Bilbo, though? I have more experience than Kili with such things.”

Kili looked at his brother, an amused expression on his face.

Dwalin shook his head with a sigh. “Yer experience is why I want ya fighting ‘im. Ya might see better but there’s a smaller chance ye’ll hurt ‘im.”

Fili sighed in resignation. He knew very well that there was no use in arguing with Dwalin. “All right.” He nodded.

“Good,” Dwalin nodded. “Now you lads show Bilbo your stances so we can start this.”

 

Bilbo wasn’t sure how much later it was that Dwalin decided that he could hold is sword – because it wasn’t a letter-opener! – properly.

Bilbo breathed a sigh of relief, ready to put his sword away for the night and have dinner.

Of course, that wasn’t the plan.

“Right, let’s get some real training done now.” Dwalin said, nodding at Fili.

Fili moved across the clearing, opposite of Bilbo and drew his sword.

Bilbo blinked and then turned to look at Dwalin. “I can’t fight Fili!” He exclaimed.

Opposite of Bilbo, Fili frowned. “Why not?” He demanded.

Bilbo turned to him, looking angry. Didn’t Fili understand why? He sounded offended and – 

_Oh_. Maybe Fili thought Bilbo didn’t want to fight him because of what happened before.

Well, that wasn’t the case at all. They had talked, Fili had apologized and things were fine. So no, he didn’t mind that it was Fili. He just didn’t want to fight.

“Because I might hurt you.” He scoffed and then turned to glare at Dwalin. “I’ve never done this before! What if it goes wrong.”

All three dwarves stared at him for a few moments.

Then, Kili laughed. “I think you misunderstand the reason for us training you, master Baggins.” He teased.

“Aye.” Dwalin chuckled, walking up to Bilbo and patting his shoulder. “Ya’re aiming to hurt ‘im, ‘kay?”

“I… what?” Bilbo stuttered. Of course he knew that when fighting – really fighting – he would want to hurt – preferably kill – his opponent. But he didn’t have enough confidence in his own skills to be sure that he wouldn’t hurt Fili by accident. And that would be… unacceptable.

“You needn’t worry about me.” Fili re-assured him and then grinned quite cockily. “I am after all a trained warrior so I should be able to defend myself. If you manage to hurt me in any way, it means we are doing a good job.”

Bilbo still didn’t feel too comfortable with the idea. There was still the possibility he would hurt Fili, after all. But on the other hand, Fili was right. It would be quite well done of him if he would manage to hurt him and odds of that were, well, pretty slim.

“Well, all right then.” He sighed eventually. There was nothing to be done about it anyway and he did have to learn how to fight.

He raised his sword, standing in the position he’d just learned and glanced at Dwalin. “When do I.. uhm, go?” He asked, a bit uncertain.

“Whenever ya want.” Dwalin said.

Oh, Bilbo thought. He turned his eyes to Fili who was watching him. Or rather, regarding his stance and the way he was holding his sword.

Now would probably be a good time, he told himself and charged forward. He had always been quick on his feet and apparently, holding a sword didn’t change that.

He stood before Fili within the blink of an eye and Fili quickly raised his sword to block Bilbo’s coming attack.

But Fili had been distracted – and probably hadn’t expected Bilbo to attack him at all – so when his sword clashed with Bilbo’s it was at an awkward angle. Bilbo’s sword slipped over his, grazing Fili’s hand.

Fili hissed, more in surprise than pain.

Bilbo immediately lowered his sword, worried and panicked. “Oh, are you all right? Did that –”

Fili charged forward then, counter-attacking Bilbo with careful moves to make sure he didn’t end up wounding the hobbit.

_Bugger!_ Was Bilbo’s first thought as he stumbled backwards. But he couldn’t keep his balance properly and when Fili turned to strike him with his sword he lost his footing altogether.

He fell down to the ground, a soft cry escaping him. When he hit the ground, he winced as the impact sent small tremors of pain through his body. Nothing hurt too much, though, so he pushed himself up so he was sitting, his sword laying forgotten next to him. He glared at Fili. “You! I asked you if you are all right.”

Fili raised an eyebrow. “And that is appreciated, master Baggins. But our fight was not over.”

Bilbo felt a bit disgruntled at the other’s words.

“A fight ain’t over until yer opponent is dead.” Dwalin said. “Ya did well, but don’t let yer guard down.” He nodded.

Bilbo sighed and looked up at Fili. “And now?”

Fili chuckled and extended his free hand to Bilbo. When the other took his offered help, he hauled Bilbo into a standing position and patted the hobbit’s shoulder with a grin. “Now we try again.”

 

They trained until dinner and after dinner, they trained some more until the sun was down completely and they couldn’t see anymore.

Dwalin commented that Bilbo was doing well and both Fili and Kili agreed.

Bilbo felt proud, especially so when Kili started boasting about the fact Bilbo had managed to graze Fili’s hand on his first attempt. No-one cared that afterwards Bilbo had fallen flat on his ass. They just slapped him on the back with happy grins.

Bilbo couldn’t be happier.

When he caught Fili’s eyes over the fire and grinned at him, the quickness and easiness with which Fili grinned back made him feel like things were truly fine between them.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating last week!
> 
> I've been so busy with Nano and work and other things that I just didn't have to time to edit and post this chapter...
> 
> Good news is that Nano is finished now! Whooo~ I made it, 50.000 words for the win! This also means I will be posting quite a lot of things I wrote during Nano as well. I've gotten quite a bit for The Flower Garden done and I've also finished a Bagginshield, a Dis-centric fic, a Filibo, a Fili x Kili x Bilbo and a Fili x Kili. Mind me, I might have forgotten one!
> 
> So that's what you'll be seeing popping up somewhere in December. For now, enjoy this chapter! Hope it's worth the wait <3

During one of the next days of their journey Bilbo ended up walking next to Ori.

It was a nice change, he decided, from Fili and Kili or Bofur.

True, he liked all three others but he found that with Ori he could freely talk about books and exchange stories of a different kind that just wouldn’t interest the others. They mostly didn’t care for books and while they loved to know more about the differences between hobbits and dwarves it wasn’t the same as when he spoke about it with Ori. He’d already had many conversations with him about dwarrowdams and how there were very little children. It had shocked Bilbo, who had told Ori so “because, you see, a normal hobbit family has a bunch of children. At least three!” That, in turn, had shocked Ori into silence who was having a hard time imagining that many children.

That day, though, Bilbo found himself caught in a subject he wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about. But Ori was so curious and polite about it.

He just couldn’t say no.

So now Bilbo found himself talking about courting to someone who was hanging onto every word he said.

Just great.

 

"So when you want to court someone how do you do that?" Ori asked and then flushed slightly in embarrassment. "I mean, how do you make your interest known?"

Bilbo chuckled. "Well, if you are interested in someone you ask them to dance at a party, of course."

Ori blinked. "Just any party or special ones? And does that mean that you can't dance with someone if you're not... interested?"

"Well, at any party of course! You must know that we have a lot of parties. One every week, for sure. But it's just certain dances. You know, the ones for a pair?" Bilbo asked.

Ori frowned and shook his head. "We don't really dance."

"You don't?" Bilbo asked, feeling slightly disappointed. To hobbits, dancing was important - not as important as flowers, mind you. "Oh, well then it must sound strange to you I guess. But us hobbits dance a lot. At every party there are big circles or pairs and it's all a lot of fun."

“It sounds nice.” Ori nodded with a smile and then asked: “So if you ask someone to dance you are… courting?”

“Heavens no!” Bilbo shook his head in surprise and shock. “That’s just showing the other that you are interested. I mean, don’t you do that? Imagine asking to court someone without even knowing they are likely to say yes. That would be… no-one would dare!”

Ori frowned. “It’s what we do. We offer our intended a gift crafted by our own hands. If we then receive a crafted gift in return the courtship is accepted.” He explained.

Bilbo could only blink. “That sounds very daring. Don’t a lot end up hurt?”

“Why?” Ori sounded genuinely confused. Then he seemed to realize something and his eyes widened for a second before he chuckled. “We only court our One, master Baggins.”

Bilbo frowned. He’d heard the term before but he wasn’t sure if anyone had actually explained it to him.

Well, they were talking quite openly anyways.

“Your One?”

“Our intended.” Ori nodded. “The one person Mahal created for us to be with.”

Bilbo blinked, giving Ori a bewildered look. “And you can never be wrong about it or have it not returned?”

Ori bit his lip and then after a moment shook his head. “Not really. It happens sometimes that it’s not returned but that is very unlikely! As for being wrong, I don’t think we can be. I’ve been told it’s a feeling and you just know.”

Bilbo was polite enough not to ask Ori about his own One. The “I’ve been told” telling him all he needed to know anyway. But the new knowledge stunned him. To know who the one was that was destined for you! _How nice_ , he thought wistfully.

“Well… that would avoid a lot of heartbreak!” Bilbo joked, forcing a laugh which came out surprisingly well.

Ori chuckled. “I guess. Hobbits don’t have Ones?”

“Oh no.” Bilbo shook his head. “We might not be as… fickle as humans, but we definitely don’t have someone we’re destined to be with. Or if there is, we will never know which will make it a bit hard to find them. We can fall in love with someone that doesn’t love us back or fall out of love with someone.” Bilbo shrugged, getting the conversation back to their original topic before it started to be a bit too much about love itself rather than courting. “Which is why we show our interest first, you know. To avoid being rejected after you openly ask to court someone.”

“I see.” Ori nodded and then bit his lip thoughtfully. “And if the interest is mutual?”

“Then you ask to court the other. It’s usually the girls asking because they are a lot more impatient whereas the guys would rather wait a bit longer. But whoever asks, you do it with a bouquet. Not just with random flowers!” Bilbo shook his head with a small smile. “But carefully chosen to match your feelings and the other’s personality. One wrong flower can make the other reject your offer.”

“That’s harsh.” Bofur, walking a few meters ahead of them, turned his head.

Bilbo looked at him and huffed. “Of course it isn’t. Flowers are very important to us. Giving someone a wrong flower would be the same as giving someone a… a rock instead of a jewel!”

Bofur laughed and besides Bilbo, Ori giggled. “A rock?”

Bilbo let out an exasperated sigh. "Well, you know what I mean."

"We do, we do." Bofur assured him.

Ori nodded. "So what happens next?"

Bilbo chuckled, raising an eyebrow and teasing: "You are awfully excited to find out more about hobbit courting."

"Well, of course." Ori stated matter-of-factly, completely obvious to Bilbo's teasing.

"Of course?" Bilbo asked, trying not to laugh when he heard Bofur - and a few of the others, a conversation was never private in the company such as this, after all. "Do you mean to say that there is a hobbit you want to court?"

Ori's eyes widened comically and he flushed, shaking his head and spluttering a bit. "W-what? No, no of course not! I would never... that is to say, you are quite nice master Baggins, good chap and all that, but I just -" He started to defend himself and only stopped when he noticed the others were laughing. "Hey!" He protested.

Bilbo laughed as well and caught Fili and Kili, walking at the front of the group with their uncle and some others, glancing back at the ruckus.

He ignored it though, in favor of laughing along with the others.

When Ori was so red Bilbo was afraid he might burst – even his ears! – he took pity on the young dwarf. He patted Ori on the shoulder and shook his head with a grin. "No worries, Ori. I wasn't even thinking of myself!” He laughed.

Ori, looking embarrassed let out a relieved sigh. “Good.” He breathed.

Bilbo, though, grinned. “Rather, I thought you might have found yourself a nice lass back in hobbiton you’d wish to court.” 

Ori shook his head vehemently. “No lass, none at all.” He stated, glancing at Dori almost as if he wanted to be sure that the other realized Ori was not interested in any girl – hobbit or not.

Bilbo hummed, nodding to himself and then he added with a sly smirk: “Or Gregory's daughter perhaps?"

“What, that cousin of ya?” Bofur asked with an amused frown.

Ori made a face, shaking his head. “No. No definitely not.” He glanced at Bilbo. “No offense, but you hobbits have way too little muscle and facial hair.”

Bilbo laughed. “Well if you want that then you’re out of luck indeed! For while us males can grow beards, not that we do though, mind you. But our females certainly can’t even if they wanted to.”

He was met with stunned silence and he looked around with a frown. “What?”

“Hobbits can grow bears?”

“Yes, of course.” Bilbo nodded. Then he looked around at the beards of the dwarves and shrugged with a chuckle. “Perhaps not like some yours, but if we wanted to we could most definitely grow some whiskers and a beard.” 

“But you don’t.” Ori stated and then frowned himself. “So you… shave it?”

“Of course we do.” Bilbo said, feeling amused. He knew how dwarves treasured their beards but for hobbits it simply wasn’t done and he found the disbelief on everyone’s faces quite amusing. “No offense to all of you, but for hobbits a beard just isn’t done. It’s not respectable, it can be unsanitary and… well, it itches.”

By now the dwarves listening in on the conversation were gaping at Bilbo. Disbelief in their eyes and no-one knew quite what to say. Until Nori asked: “Unsanitary?”

Bilbo flushed a bit. He knew he might sound like he was belittling the dwarves. He swallowed. “I mean, when you eat, you know?” He sighed, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, this must sound awfully degrading… I’m not saying you are in any way unsanitary or anything like that!”

“No worries, master Baggins. No need to get yer trousers in a twist.” Bofur laughed. “Just different ways between us dwarves and hobbits. We understand, don’t we lads?” Bofur asked, looking around their group.

“Aye,” were the mumbled replies and Nori shook his head. “It’s strange.” He said but shrugged nonetheless. “But aye.”

Biblo let out a relieved sigh. “That’s good.”

Bofur chuckled. “Now why don’t ya tell us more about courting. I’m sure Ori will want to know the entire story when he writes it down.” He said, ruffling Ori’s hair, who protested by swatting Bofur’s hand away with a scowl.

“It’s research. I’ve never seen a book on hobbits in the library of Ered Luin so now that we have Bilbo with us I can write one.” Ori mused.

Bilbo chuckled. “Well, I’m happy to help.” He said and for the next hour – or two, time was hard to tell sometimes – Bilbo talked about hobbit courtship. From the dates the couple would go on – going on a walk, having a picnic – to the dinner they would cook for their intended’s family to get the other family’s blessing for their union. About the accepted time for a couple to court to the big betrothal parties thrown for family and friends alike. About all the arrangements made during the betrothal period – from which family heirlooms that would be taken from the home they would be living in – and, of course, the abundance of a hobbit wedding.

All the while the dwarves listened, made a comment here and there and in the end they all concluded it was all quite simple yet sweet and romantic.

Bilbo was smiling along with everyone even though throughout the explanation he felt like screaming. He didn’t want to talk about it because he didn’t want to think about it.

“Ya seem to know ‘bout it, Bilbo!” Bofur suddenly said with a wink and a grin.

Hearing those words, Bilbo couldn’t help but flinch. He lowered his eyes to the ground as they walked. _Of course_ he knew a lot about it. He had always bothered his mother with questions about courtship when he was younger. He had always imagined what it would be like to court someone, where they would take a walk, where they could have a picnic, what food they would be having on their picnic. He even already knew what he’d be cooking his intended’s family! Only the few courtships he’s had – all initiated by himself – hadn’t lasted long enough for them to get to the ‘cook for the family’ part – all terminated by the other.

So yes, Bilbo knew a lot about courtship because for a long time in his life having that, finding that special person, that love was all he wanted.

Of course that had all changed.

“I guess I do.” Bilbo eventually said, feeling the weight of eyes upon him. He shrugged with a laugh – humorless and fake. “Every hobbit knows, of course. We get taught these kinds of things. Don’t dwarves?” 

“We do,” Ori nodded excitedly. “Usually it’s family.”

“For us too.”

“Aye,” Bofur nodded and then smirked. “So, Bilbo! A lad as good looking as you must’ve courted a lass or two. Ya got a lucky lady back home?”

“No.” Bilbo said, voice tight and quivering and from the looks on the dwarves’ faces, they all heard. “No such lady is so unfortunate.” For what lass could ever be happy with someone that couldn’t love?

Or rather.

Couldn’t love _her_.

An awkward silence fell over their small group. In the front, Thorin, Dwalin, Fili, Kili and Gloin kept walking while everyone walking behind them had heard exactly what Bilbo had said.

“Bilbo…” Bofur mumbled dejectedly and Ori reached out a hand to brush it against Bilbo’s in a fleeting touch of comfort.

Bilbo shrugged and tried to put an end to the other’s worries and lighten the mood again. “I’m well past my prime anyway. Besides, it’s a good thing I don’t have anyone considering I might not even make it back.”

It was safe to say that _that_ didn’t lighten the mood. At all.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy everyone~
> 
> Feedback is love, you guys! <3

Fili sat, watching the campfire with Kili at his side. He’d finished his food – courtesy of Bombur – and was now pretending to watch the fire while he actually was watching Bilbo. He couldn’t help it. His eyes were drawn to the other automatically.

But that was also because today had been exceptionally bad. 

First Bilbo had laughed and laughed and laughed, each time the happy sound rang through the air Fili had felt a rush of excitement and his own worries had lifted, if only momentarily. But then Bilbo had looked depressed – in fact, everyone that had been dragged into the conversation had been – and it made Fili’s heart ache. For first of all, he wished to comfort Bilbo while he knew he shouldn’t. Second of all, because he did not know what had made Bilbo so upset. He wished to find out who – for in a conversation, it could only be one of the dwarves that had upset Bilbo – it was and then inform them to not ever do it again.

Of course he couldn’t do that – and even if he could, he wouldn’t. He himself would not live down that embarrassment and if he did, he would not live down Thorin’s tirade of him coming to care about the hobbit while he had promised he wouldn’t.

So his day had been a mix of emotions and now, sitting next to his brother away from all the chatter, he could finally pull himself together. Take the pieces of himself disturbed by today’s occurrences and put them neatly back together so that when he woke in the morning everything would be fine again.

He was becoming quite well-versed at it.

Suddenly he was nudged in the side and he turned to his brother. “What?” 

Kili looked excited, nodding his head to where Ori sat with his brothers. “Should we ask him to sit with us tonight?” 

Fili frowned. “Why?”

Kili sighed, rolling his eyes. “So he can tell us what he spoke off with Bilbo today, of course!”

Fili’s first thought was that that was rather rude, gossiping like midwives. But then he caught sight of a gloomy Bilbo and decided that it was actually quite a good idea. “Yes, let’s. You ask him over and I will get us a drink.”

 

As it turned out, bringing Ori over was quite a good idea.

He was so excited about what he’d learned that he was very happy to share all the details with the brothers.

When they found out it was courting that they had been talking about, they were surprised but even more interested to hear all the details – especially since they wondered why talk of courtship could have upset Bilbo like that.

And if Kili noticed that during Ori’s explanation, Fili hung to every single word Ori spoke he didn’t say a thing.

When Ori had shared everything he knew, though, Fili was still left unsatisfied. For Ori hadn’t shared yet why exactly Bilbo had been upset.

So Fili asked.

“Ah, well, maybe you should ask Bilbo that.” Ori answered a bit uncomfortably. “I mean, it is sort of private.”

“Nothing is private on the road.” Kili huffed.

Ori looked at those words and, in an attempt to save the situation, Fili said: “We are only asking you because we are afraid that if we ask Bilbo we will upset him.”

Ori hesitated at those words.

“Yes, you see we want to know what upset him so we know what not to talk about around him when it comes up.” Kili caught on quickly.

Ori looked reluctant but when he glanced at Bilbo he apparently didn't see any harm in telling the brothers, for he said: "We were just, well, teasing I guess. Bofur asked if Bilbo had a lady waiting for him back home because he knows so much about courting."

Fili frowned. Bilbo had never mentioned having someone back home. He felt a twinge of jealously at the thought. Was that why Bilbo kissed him back? Because he had someone and just missed them and was too shocked to differentiate them from Fili? It was a ridiculous thought but he couldn't help it. He didn't want Bilbo to have someone, even if he couldn't have Bilbo either.

"What! Master Boggins has a lady?" Kili asked, sounding completely shocked at the notion and he glanced at Fili with wide eyes.

"That's what we thought. And then he got all upset so we just thought he missed her, you know?" Ori asked and then hesitated. He glanced at Bilbo and fidgeted his fingers.

Fili frowned, it sounded an awful lot like something more was going on. "But?"

"But he doesn't have anyone." Ori said and shook his head, continuing on a sad tone. "Said... well, basically he said that if he were courting someone he'd pity them."

"He what!" Kili cried, shocked eyes turning to Bilbo.

“Kili!” Ori hissed, turning to hit the other and to force him to not look at Bilbo. “Don’t stare.”

But Fili didn’t notice. Didn’t quite hear the rest of the conversation between Ori and Kili. He caught snipes of ‘no lass would be so unfortunate as to be courted by me’ and ‘I am well past my prime’. Words that made him ache for Bilbo. Words that made him want to rush over to Bilbo and hug him close, whisper into his ear that that wasn’t true. Not at all!

But he couldn’t. All he could do was watch Bilbo from safe distance and try not to think about it too much – for it would surely hurt.

\---

The next morning, Bilbo was back to his happy mood.

Their hike that day was good. They travelled a fair distance and Bilbo kept up to everyone’s relief. Thorin didn’t scowl or scold and only their meager dinner that night made it a relatively-okay day rather than a good one.

The next day went from relatively-okay to ultimate-disaster with so quickly it is baffling. At the end of the day before they started their ascend of the Misty Mountains and by the time half of their next day was over they were high and the weather was bad. Rain was pounding down, wind was howling, thunder was banging and lightning was flashing the sky. By the time they realized it was not the weather that changed but instead, they were in the middle of a battle between two Stone Giants it was already too late.

It all happened in a rush, the entire ordeal a blur Fili would rather forget.

All he remembered was the panic, the pain. First of losing Kili and _then_ of losing Bilbo.

If he thought his heart had stopped and his fingers had trembled when he thought he’d lost Kili… well, that was nothing compared to what he’d felt when Bilbo was just… _gone_.

Panic, coldness, heartbreak, and just a sheer emptiness at the mere thought of Bilbo being dead.

But then Thorin was hauling Bilbo up onto the ledge again and Fili took a trembling breath while shoving shaking hands into his pockets and pretending the wetness in his eyes was from the stress and rain.

He certainly hadn’t almost been crying.

A wave of relief went over everyone, but it was quickly demolished when Thorin said: “He’s been lost ever since he left home. He should never have come. He has no place amongst us.”

The disappointed look in Bilbo’s eyes remained with Fili for a long time. He had hoped that perhaps finally Thorin had come to accept him as part of the company. Only to be shown it was far from the case.

Fili wasn’t sure if he wanted to comfort Bilbo or confront his uncle.

He could do neither.

 

Settled in the cave, he sat with Kili away from the fire where Thorin sat with Dwalin.

He glared at his uncle and tried avoiding looking too much at Bilbo – who had excused himself and was sitting alone huddled under his two blankets.

Kili was sitting next to him, his look more guarded and perhaps even a bit cautious as he kept a look on their uncle. Probably to make sure Thorin didn’t suddenly storm over and would start to throttle Fili for the things he was saying.

Fili scoffed, shaking his head. “He cannot keep treating Bilbo like that!”

“Fee…” Kili warned softly, signaling to his brother to _at least_ keep his voice down.

Fili hushed his voice, although it was only to make his brother look a bit more relieved than for his uncle not to overhear. He hardly cared about that right now! “No, it is unfair and unjustified.” He pointed out and shook his head, waving his hand in the air. This situation was messed up and ridiculous. Even if Bilbo hadn’t been his One he would still have thought the way Thorin was treating the hobbit unacceptable. “Does he think Bilbo is giving up nothing at all for being here with us?” He questioned, voice getting louder again as he got angrier and angrier at his own words. “He is insane if he does. Bilbo is the only one here on his own free will, without a home to reclaim and that isn’t here for either the treasure or the drink. He’s not even here for his honor! All he is here for is to help out and is this how we thank –”

“Everything all right, lads?” Balin’s question stopped Fili mid-sentence.

“Balin!” Kili cried, sounding relieved and his hand stopped twitching from nerves.

Fili’s head shot up as well, seeing their old teacher and his uncle’s advisor looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

“It is perhaps unwise to speak like this with your uncle so close.” He advised, standing in front of them and thus blocking their view of Thorin. His eyes were kind and Fili had the feeling this wasn’t a conversation in which he would be berated.

If anything, Balin only seemed to want to avoid a confrontation between Fili and Thorin. Well, it was good to know they weren’t the only one thinking Thorin’s stubbornness and rudeness unfair.

“He can hear it for all I care.” Fili shook his head, but even though his words said differently his voice was more hushed now. “In fact, it might be good if he _does_ hear.” Because then at least someone would talk about it.

Balin nodded. “For you, perhaps.” He said and then turned his eyes to Bilbo, still huddled in the corner by himself. “But not for our burglar. I do not think he needs more grief from Thorin right now.”

Both Fili and Kili turned to look at Bilbo who, at that moment, looked up with a frown.

When he saw the three dwarves watching him he looked wary, ducking his head.

Fili swallowed. He hoped Bilbo didn’t feel unwanted. That he thought they were saying bad things about him. He hoped and thought that maybe when Balin left them he would go over to the hobbit and tell him.

“Aye,” Fili couldn’t help but agree. “You are right. Uncle’s frustration wouldn’t be with me in this case.”

Balin sighed. “Indeed. But be assured, laddie. I am convinced he will see the worth of our dear burglar soon enough.”


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note about last chapter: I editted something today so it might be worth a little bit of your time to read it again. It's nothing big but still worth mentioning.

Thorin was right.

He should never have left home, for what could he ever hope to be for these dwarves? How could he ever have dared to hope he could become one of them?

Sure, he considered Kili, Ori and Bofur friends. Dwalin might actually like him a bit but that was more for amusement purposes than anything else, Bilbo was sure. And Fili was a complete case of not-going-there so Bilbo just settled on thinking they were friends – awkward friends with Bilbo being attracted to Fili, but friends nonetheless.

Bilbo sighed and drew his blankets tighter around himself - one of himself and the other given by Fili.

No-one really wanted him here, he was quite certain of that. No-one had protested at Thorin's words after all, in fact he was quite sure he saw some of the dwarves nod along with what the other had been saying.

That had hurt. He understood that Thorin was their king and that they could hardly argue with him about Bilbo. But it would have been appreciated if someone would at least talk to him now. Tell him that he was a member of their company even though they would be lying. Because he wasn't. And seeing the dwarves whisper amongst themselves he realized he would never be.

So why was he here? For amusement? For some stress-relief when someone - Thorin - felt the need to snap at someone? He probably wouldn’t even make it to that mountain of them anyways so what good was he to these dwarves? Wouldn’t it just be better for them all – the dwarves’ sanity and _his_ safety included – if he just left?

Besides, Kili, Ori and Bofur might miss him for a few hours but that would surely be over soon. They had been fine the first days of travel so they would also be if he left them now.

Thorin would be angry but well, Bilbo thought he could manage the wrath of a dwarven king to be when he was never going to see said dwarf again.

Fili would be… well, to be honest Bilbo didn’t have a clue how Fili would be. Fine, most likely. But there was a small part within him that hoped that he wouldn’t be just fine. That he would at least miss Bilbo a bit. 

Well, one could always dream, right?

So it was decided, in his cold corner of the cave wrapped in two blankets that did nothing to warm him, that he would leave. He would go home and rid these dwarves of the nuisance he was turning into. Best do it now before something actually _happened_.

 

So he waited.

He waited until all the others were asleep and grabbed his bag.

Perhaps it was the cowardly thing to do. Grab his things in the middle of the night and disappear. But how else could he do it with someone either trying to stop him or Thorin throwing him off of a cliff straight away?

No, this was most definitely the best way to go – and also the way with the least confrontation which also suited Bilbo just fine.

He hoisted his pack onto his back and left a small note – written on the paper lord Elrond had given him – on the spot where his bedroll had been. He just couldn’t leave without leaving at least some form of explanation behind. It wasn’t much, but at least it was something.

He was tip-toeing towards the only entrance to the cave – at least he was good at that – when he heard rustling.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

Bilbo froze and turned, seeing Bofur looking at him with a frown. He must have been on watch.

When Bofur caught sight of Bilbo’s pack understanding dawned onto his face.

Bilbo swallowed, clenching his hands nervously. Well, he could hardly lie while he was already halfway outside, now could he? He took a breath and softly admitted: “Back to Rivendell.”

“No, no, you can’t turn back now!” Bofur shook his head, his voice hushed as to not awake any others with their conversation. He stepped closer to Bilbo and there was determination in his eyes. “You’re part of the Company.” He said and nodded to himself, giving Bilbo a smile. “You’re one of us.”

Bilbo felt touched at those words, he really did. But still he couldn’t help but disagree and shake his head. “I’m not though, am I?” He demanded, eyes darting around the cave before settling on Bofur again. He continued, voice softer now yet laced with sadness. “Thorin said I should never have come, and he was right. I’m not a Took, I’m a Baggins.” He sighed and rubbed his temple. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I should never have run out my door.” _I could have avoided a lot of drama. A lot of pain._

Yes, indeed. It would all have been better.

_You would never have met Fili._

Well, that would also be a good thing, right? He told himself stubbornly.

“You’re homesick, I understand. But that will pass. You have friends amongst us, don’t you see that?” Bofur asked, sounding hopeful. 

Bilbo felt even more guilty than before now. Sure, before he could have told himself the others wouldn’t miss him so his guilt for leaving was misplaced. But now, now he was told straight out that he would be missed.

This was exactly the kind of complicated he had wanted to avoid.

“You will get by. All of you will.” Bilbo said with a forced smile. He wondered fleetingly if Bofur was right and he truly had some real friends here. Not wanting to hurt the other too bad – Bofur’s face was already falling – he quickly added: “But do know you are welcome to visit me if, in the future, should you still want to.”

Bofur smiled. He stepped forward and placed a hand on Bilbo’s shoulder. “Of course I would want to. But just… don’t leave. If not for me, ya can’t do it to the lad.” 

Bilbo frowned – he wasn’t panicking, he wasn’t because he didn’t have a clue who Bofur was talking about. “Who?”

Bofur grimaced. “I think ya know.”

Bilbo lowered his eyes. But Fili wouldn’t miss him, right?

Bofur gave Bilbo an understanding smile. "He cares, ya know."

Well, I don't! Bilbo wanted to scream. But he would be lying because he did care. He might not know exactly how much but he did care and he knew that he would feel guilty to Fili most of all if he left. Because he'd promised and now he was going away because things weren't going as he had expected. Because he was scared and a coward.

Because standing there he was everything Thorin had said he was. Everything he didn't want to be.

When Bilbo didn't respond, Bofur continued. "We'd all hate to see you go. Even Thorin, although he might not see it until ye're gone. Especially Fili, though. He's taken quite the liking to ya." Bofur said with a smirk and a wink.

Bilbo flushed slightly in embarrassment and shook his head. "I'm sure that is an exaggeration. You will only miss me for a bit when I'm gone. All of you."

Bofur shook his head with a sigh. "Deep down ya know that ain't true. Ya belong with us, lad, no arguing. We're dwarves, we don't tell outsiders things and don't share stories with them. We do with you." Bofur explained and then looked slightly smug. "As fer Fili, he's only laughing and joking with us 'cause he's known us all his life. He's normally very private, ya know."

Bilbo frowned and glanced into the direction where Fili was sleeping next to Kili. "I find that hard to believe." He turned back to Bofur.

Bofur's expression softened. "'cause he likes ya. That's why."

Bilbo considered the words for a moment. Thought about what exactly they implied before deciding perhaps he didn’t want to know what they implied.

Whether he wanted to see or not, his resolve on leaving was cracking more and more and he was afraid Bofur was catching on.

It wouldn’t matter if he stayed or went, right? In fact, it would still be better if he left. Safer for them all. 

Yes, yes he was better off in Rivendell and the company was better off without his nuisance.

He didn’t get a chance to voice those thoughts, though, for suddenly the ground did exactly what Bilbo had wished for a lot of times in his life – although timing couldn’t possibly be worse!

It swallowed him – and the rest of the company – whole.

\---

If Bilbo had thought that the Trolls had been bad, well, he now knew he had been greatly overestimating the situation.

At least the trolls had been too stupid for words.

When they fell down he was quite certain he’d die of a heart attack. But he didn’t.

Instead he had been pushed along with the others. But he wouldn’t be Bilbo if he didn’t mess that up, too.

Stumbling, tripping and then falling down a ravine of all things! He ought to call himself lucky for the mere fact he hadn’t broken his neck.

He’d thought he escaped the goblins then – lost his friends, might never find them alive again, lost in caves that were wet, cold and dark but at least he’d escaped the goblins. He’d been afraid, sure, but at least relieved he wasn’t going to be… well, whatever goblins did to their prisoners.

But then there had been that creature.

Gollum.

Bilbo would just love to forget about that meeting all together.

Gollum was strange, a bit frightening but most of all Bilbo pitied him. Alone, always alone eating goblins – _goblins!_ – of all things and being obsessed by that ring.

That ring was also strange. It was like it was calling out to Bilbo which was creepy on a whole new level. He had tried not taking it, he really had. But there was this pull and before he knew it the ring was in his pocket and he was trading riddles with the creature in exchange for the way out – or some food for the creature, but Bilbo had had good faith.

Then it had all gone downhill with Gollum realizing he had lost his _precious_ and thinking – rightfully so – that Bilbo had taken it.

The _precious_ that had made Bilbo invisible when he wore it.

Invisible!

He could hardly believe it and if someone had told him that that was what the ring did then surely he would have laughed at them and offered them a cup of tea. But he’d been standing right in front of Gollum.

Gollum who had been looking straight at him only he wasn’t!

Standing outside the caves, Bilbo still trembled at the shock.

Gollum might have been strange but that ring truly was a work of mystery. In a way it scared him. The world around him felt different, darker and colder and being invisible…

Well, at least it had gotten out of those damned caves and he was quite happy with his jump over Gollum’s head. Not killing the creature had been a good decision, he thought.

Now, though, he was left with another decision to make.

Or well, it wasn’t really a decision now was it?

He could hardly go back through the goblin caves – invisibility or not. So there was no going back to Rivendell.

He could only go forward, to Erebor, and join the dwarves again.

If he was honest, he would admit that not a single part of him minded.

Even in that short period of time, he had missed the company and he was now more motivated than ever to help them reclaim their home.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was editting this chapter and read the last scene and I'd completely forgotten about it! I mean, I know in the back of my mind it's there but reading it again I can't help but be stunned I'd forgotten!

They’d escaped the goblins.

_They had escaped the goblins._

Well, if that wasn’t a shock then Fili wasn’t sure what was!

He hadn’t been scared. Or well, not for his own life but for a little bit he had feared for Ori’s and Bilbo’s.

Bilbo.

He froze.

He felt a heavy weight settle upon him and looked around the company which now came to a halt as Gandalf started demanding where Bilbo was.

The company argued, Gloin blaming Dori who was defending himself.

But all Fili felt was cold. Cold and empty because where was Bilbo? If not with them then what had happened to him?

Dread filled him, fear rushing through his veins and his hands trembled.

It couldn’t be… right?

He felt a hand settle upon his and he startled, almost lashing out before realizing it was Kili who was trying to comfort him. To get him to calm down.

“I’ll tell you what happened. Master Baggins saw his chance and he took it! He’s thought of nothing but his soft bed and his warm hearth since first he stepped out of his door! We will not be seeing our Hobbit again. He is long gone.”

Fili felt torn between anger and relief. He sincerely hoped that Bilbo had indeed gone off home. Because then at least he would be on his way home and not somewhere on the ground with a broken neck or a prisoner of the goblins. At least then he would be safe. 

Fili would deal with the loss of his One.

He was certain he could with the knowledge that Bilbo was safe on his way home and wouldn’t get harmed. That, at least, was a relief and altogether better than the alternatives.

“No, he isn’t.”

Fili was quite certain he felt his heart stop at that very moment.

He turned towards where the voice came from, breath stuck in his throat and body feeling heavy and slow.

Bilbo was alive! Not only that, he was alive and standing in front of them with a grin, determined posture and for as far as Fili could see no wounds. That was such a big relief to Fili and seeing Bilbo again after thinking he had lost his One, Fili itched to run over to Bilbo. To hug him close to his chest, bury his face in those golden strands and never, ever let go again. It was a feeling, a pull he desperately hoped would go away. In their current situation and with this ‘thing’ between Bilbo and him as it was, it would only be in the way.

Having Bilbo back from what they assumed to be a trip back home or death, there wasn’t anyone in the company – aside from a stupefied and almost solidly frozen Fili – that kept silent.

Most were happy, slapping Bilbo on the back and congratulating him on not having died. But there were some that were suspicious. Like Nori wondering out loud how the hell Bilbo had gotten past the goblins and Dwalin full-heartedly agreeing with him – which didn’t happen often.

Bilbo, it seemed, didn’t have that much of an answer to that but to Fili it didn’t matter. He didn’t understand the fuss anyway.

Shouldn’t they just be relieved to have Bilbo with them and be happy for it? Although, of course, that was solely his heart speaking. His mind did wonder how Bilbo had gotten out alive – wondered, too, why Bilbo hadn’t turned back – but his relief at seeing the hobbit alive won from any comprehensive thoughts.

And then there was Thorin.

When Gandalf tried to make an end to the stream of questions by saying that it didn’t quite matter how Bilbo got alive, only that he did, Thorin finally spoke up.

“It matters!” He said in a tone that shut the entire company up straight away.

Even Fili started paying attention again. Although he had a feeling what his uncle would demand and truth be told, he did want to know.

Thorin glared at Bilbo, cold and distrustful and he stepped towards the hobbit in a threatening way, demanding: “I want to know: why did you come back?”

Bilbo swallowed. He turned his head slightly – Fili could swear it was him Bilbo was looking at – before looking at Thorin quite defiantly. “Look, I know you doubt me, I know you always have. And you’re right, I often think of Bag End. I miss my books. And my armchair. And my garden.” A small smile crossed Bilbo’s lips. “See, that’s where I belong. That’s home. And that’s why I came back, cause you don’t have one. A home. It was taken from you. But I will help you take it back if I can.” He finished, nodding to himself and keeping his eyes locked with Thorin.

Silence fell over the company as they watched Bilbo, slightly awed and moved by the hobbit’s words.

Even Thorin.

For he looked at Bilbo now not in distrust but with gratefulness and not a small bit of amazement.

But of course moments like this never lasted long and before they knew what was going on, they were running again.

\---

After that things just went downhill.

Fili was certain this would go down in history as the day of ‘the worst luck, ever’. How could it not be?

Running from wargs after they had just escaped goblins! The unfairness of it all, certainly considering the fact no-one had expected there to be this much danger on the road to Erebor. Sure, they had all been aware the roads weren’t exactly safe. But to run in the amount of trouble they had already ran into so far. Well, if Fili had been superstitious he would say something was trying to stop them from reaching Erebor all together.

Be that as it may, they were running. Fleeing down the hill from orgs on wargs and it was just an altogether nasty situation.

Then, however, things got worse.

For who would have guessed that the Pale orc still lived? The shock that went through all of them was small when compared to what Fili guessed his uncle must have felt.

And then Thorin was attacking him, and being attacked in turn and falling to the ground.

But then Bilbo – thank Mahal for Bilbo! – got stupid and brave and whatever other things that possessed the little creature to just attack the warg and defend his uncle! It was impressive to say the least, for someone who could a week before not even hold a sword properly to be defending Thorin so fiercely. But it was also one of the most frightening moments of Fili’s life.

Seeing Bilbo in so much danger and all to save his uncle who, of course, was worth saving but had been nothing but unkind to Bilbo.

Fili, no matter how frightened for his hobbit he was, was quite certain that even if he hadn’t loved Bilbo at that point he would certainly after that.

Proud he was, too. Certainly when his uncle spoke of his gratitude towards Bilbo - in an albeit very Thorin way. Of how he had been wrong in judging the hobbit and how brave Bilbo had been to save his life. It eased something in Fili's heart, that hug. Something he wasn't aware had settled over him but seeing his uncle admit not hating his One, Fili felt relieved and happy. Things he shouldn't truly be feeling considering he wasn't courting Bilbo.

_Maybe you should._

\---

That evening Fili sat with Kili at the fire, eating their dinner and whispering quietly about the things that occurred that day.

First it was Thorin they spoke off and then Bilbo. How brave he had been and how Thorin seemed to actually appreciate him now.

Kili grinned. "So uncle likes him now."

Fili nodded. “Apparently.”

Kili’s grin widened. “Oh come on, Fee. That’s a good thing right?” 

Fili rolled his eyes. It was and he was trying very hard to tell himself that it didn’t matter what Thorin thought of Bilbo it wouldn’t change anything. “I guess.”

Kili sighed and shook his head. “Don’t be a baby about this. Don’t you see now that uncle approves of him you can finally pursue him? You know you want to.”

“Pursue whom, exactly?”

Fili froze, raising wide eyes to stare at no other than his uncle, who was looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

_Fuck you, Kili!_

“A-ah, uncle!” Kili cried, almost falling off the log in shock. 

Fili was just in time to grab Kili’s arm to steady him, thinking that maybe it would’ve been better to just let his brother fall to the ground. He definitely deserved it for what he had most likely gotten Fili into.

Thorin’s eyes shifted to Kili, lips quirking up just the tiniest bit in amusement at the other’s nervous antics. “I thought I heard Bofur complain about the lack of help he received in gathering firewood.”

It was easy to recognize the message and with an apologetic glance at Fili, Kili quickly made his leave.

“Fili.” Thorin said and sat down next to his eldest nephew. He leaned back a bit, eyes darting over the camp. 

Fili held his breath. He prepared for a reprimand, being told something he already knew. _Don’t pursue the hobbit._

“You did well today.”

Fili gasped in shock, almost falling off of the log himself in surprise. He looked at his uncle, feeling like a happy little child that had just gotten some candy. But it sort of was like that, wasn’t it? Thorin was very careful when it came to his compliments and to receive one after today…

“Thank you uncle.” Fili ducked his head with a smile. Then, however, he glanced at the other. “I must admit, though…” He trailed off. “I’m happy you are all right.” _Not dead._

Clasping Fili’s shoulder, Thorin gave his heir a small smile. “Me as well, Fili. You are anything I could ask for in a heir but you are yet young.” He laughed, shaking his head. “Nor am I willing to leave this world yet. You shall not be king for a long time.”

Fili smiled.

They sat next to each other in silence for a while. Uncle and nephew, king and heir.

Then, Thorin asked: “So, the hobbit. You like him still?”

Fili’s breath stopped in his throat for a moment. He’d known the question was coming. Knew the moment Thorin overheard Kili he would be asked about Bilbo. But it still came as a surprise. Probably because he didn’t have a clue what to reply.

He swallowed. “I don’t remember saying I did.”

“I fear even the blind can see.” Thorin said.

Fili wasn’t sure if his uncle was being serious or not. Wasn’t sure – or rather, didn’t want to see – what exactly his uncle meant. He glanced at Bilbo and contemplated what to say. He couldn’t help a small smile, though, as he said: “He is good company and today he has proven his worth within the company. So yes, I do like him. He has become as good a friend of mine as Ori is.”

“I might have been cautious at first but even I now see that the hobbit – master Baggins, is an ally. He indeed makes a fine friend.” Thorin said nodding to himself. Then he turned sharp eyes to Fili. “Yet you wish him to be more than that.”

Fili swallowed and lowered his eyes. “I… might. Yet I do not wish to act upon it.”

Thorin frowned at the reply. “You are sure about this?”

Then it was Fili’s turn to frown. He raised his eyes and looked at his uncle in confusion. “You… want me to act upon it?”

Thorin’s eyes darted towards Bilbo for a moment before settling back on his nephew. He shrugged. “The journey ahead is long and will only get tougher. Having a… companion might not be so bad.”

Fili’s mouth almost dropped open in shock. He couldn’t be hearing this correctly, could he?

“Besides,” Thorin continued, eyes turning back to Bilbo. “Master Baggins will most likely wish to return to the Shire after we have reclaimed Erebor. He might be one of us now but Erebor is no home to him. Having dalliances is something you are allowed to do, Fili. You are my heir but you are also young.” Thorin turned, giving Fili a small smile and clasping his shoulder. “Make the best of it, nephew, before you are bound to your title as my heir.”

Fili could only nod. His mouth, for certain, wasn’t working.

After Thorin left him to speak with Balin, Kili joined him again but Fili remained poor company throughout the night. He kept watching Bilbo, thinking and wanting, knowing he could never have Bilbo in the way he wanted to.

But Thorin had planted a new seed. A dalliance, at least, was something to have, right? For it was better to have had at least that then to have had nothing at all.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So after last chapter with Thorin giving Fili some sort of weird permission you'd all think now would be the time for some awkward confessions and stuff like that, right?
> 
> Yeah, as if... :P

_He ran through the forest._

_He ran as fast as his feet could carry him and tried not to stumble over rocks and tree roots that littered the way._

_They had to be around here! They had to be around here somewhere!_

_Something akin to a sob passed his lips as he ran. He couldn’t have taken so much longer than the others, could he? Or were they inside still? Did they even make it out?_

_His breath halted for a moment, coming up short and he felt cold suddenly._

_What if they hadn’t made it out of the goblin caves? What if the rest of the company was still in there, taken prisoner by the goblins and thinking Bilbo had forsaken them?_

_He turned, ready to run back to that forsaken place and find the dwarves he was staying for. To find Kili and Ori and Bofur. To find Fili._

_He was about to run into the other direction – back to the goblin caves, for he just couldn’t leave the others behind! – when he heard something coming from his behind._

_From the direction he had previously been going into._

_The sound made his skin crawl and he wasn’t sure if it is a cry of anger or a cry of agony. Dwarf or warg._

_Whatever it was, it wasn’t good!_

_He turned around, running towards the sound. Around him the woods were dark but as he ran faster and further he could see light in the distance. Light that was coming closer and closer._

_Light that wasn’t light but a fire._

_He felt his heart plummet and he didn’t know it was possible for him to actually run faster._

_But he could and he did._

_For the fire wasn’t just a small campfire. He wasn’t sure what it was, but it didn’t look like the campfires he’d sat at with the company, sharing jokes and slowly starting to feel like he’d made some friends._

_The closer he got, the more awful he felt._

_He could hear it._

_The growls of wargs, the dark tones that were the orc’s ugly language and a frightening familiar roar._

_Thorin!_

_He had Sting out before he knew it but when he was at the edge of the clearing and finally able to see what was going on he froze._

_There were indeed wargs and orcs. They had surrounded the company which was in a tree – a tree! – throwing flaming pines at their offenders._

_But that wasn’t what stopped Bilbo dead in his tracks and made his blood ran cold._

_No, what did was what was happening at the bottom of that tree._

_For there on the ground lay Thorin, unconscious or dead Bilbo couldn’t say but judging from the ferocity Fili was protecting his uncle with he would guess unconscious._

_But Fili, stupid Fili!_

_What was he doing, taking on a pack of wargs and orcs like that? Defending his uncle, sure! But at what cost? Sure one warg was down on the ground but it was far from dead and even though the company was throwing pines – which turned out to be slightly useless – Fili was still outnumbered greatly._

_Bilbo felt terrified, fear coursing through him. He couldn’t lose Fili, he couldn’t!_

_“Fili!” He screamed._

_For a second, Fili’s glare and concentration faltered. His head shot up into Bilbo’s direction, confused and disorientated. He seemed to look straight through Bilbo and before he – and Bilbo – knew what was going on the warg that had been down on the ground took its chance._

_It leapt up and attacked Fili._

_The dwarf tried to defend himself. But he was too slow coming out of his shock at hearing Bilbo but not seeing him and the warg was too fast._

_It was on top of Fili before Bilbo could blink and its nasty claws pinned Fili’s body down._

_Fili who was looking up at the warg with defiance. But Bilbo could see his hands shake, his entire body tremble._

_Fili was terrified._

_In the trees the dwarves screamed and hollered and Dwalin was already scrambling down the tree._

_Bilbo realized, he was the only one that could possibly make it in time. He knew that and he did try to move!_

_He did!_

_But he couldn’t. His muscles wouldn’t move, his limbs wouldn’t listen and it was like his eyes were glued to the scene in front of him even though he wanted nothing rather than to either bolt forward and save Fili or turn away to not see._

_For the warg was sniffling at Fili’s chest, his neck, his throat._

_It whined softly in the back of his throat and then the pale orc laughed, spitting out disgusting words Bilbo knew could only mean one thing._

Kill him.

_Then the warg bent down with a growl, biting Fili’s throat, making Fili’s body shake and his hands tremble and his mouth hang open, soundless scream escaping him as he couldn’t draw breath._

_“Noooo! FILI!” Bilbo screamed, hoarse and broken and he was crying but he hardly noticed._

_He didn’t see how Dwalin got out of the tree and killed the warg._

_Didn’t notice Kili running towards his brother, crying and screaming._

_All he could see was Fili laying on the ground, throat ripped apart and his head turned towards where Bilbo stood._

_Eyes empty as they were set on Bilbo, who fell to his knees sobbing brokenly. “Fili, no… Fili, please… Oh no, no, no!”_

“Fili, no…” Bilbo’s body thrashed against the tree as he slept, stuck in the grip of his nightmare. His hands were balled into fists so tightly that they were absolutely white and his whimpers and pleading gasps roused the attention of the rest of the camp, no matter how far he had secluded himself from them.

“Fili, please… no, no no!” The whimpers were getting louder and louder until they turned into sobs.

When the first sob passed Bilbo’s lips, Fili rushed towards him. Ever since his conversation with Thorin he had been keeping a close eye on the hobbit and seeing him caught in the throes of a nightmare he had wanted to rush over and comfort the other. But he didn’t quite feel he had the right. Then Bilbo had started crying out for him and was now even sobbing his name. He just couldn’t ignore that.

He squatted down at Bilbo’s side and put a careful hand on the other’s shoulder. “Time to wake up, Bilbo. It’s just a nightmare.”

Bilbo whimpered and trembled under the touch, his body thrashing as stuck in his nightmare he wasn’t sure if he was comforted or being attacked.

“Bilbo.” Fili urged, putting his other hand on Bilbo’s other shoulder and shaking him gently. “Wake up!”

Bilbo startled, lashed out and in his sleepy panic knocked his head against the tree. He groaned, bringing his hand to the back of his head and eyes snapping open in panic and confusion. “What!” He managed, instinctively pushing at the arms on his shoulders.

“Bilbo, Bilbo it’s okay. It’s me.” Fili said softly, pulling his hands away from Bilbo and holding them up almost as if in defense. 

Bilbo blinked a few times at Fili before he pushed himself onto his knees and leaned forward. His hands shook, his breath came out in gasps and with the nightmare still in the back of his mind he reached out. One hand he shakily wrapped around Fili’s raised wrists and with the other he reached further until he could stroke a trembling finger over Fili’s neck.

Fili sat frozen on the ground, trying very hard not to shudder or sigh at Bilbo’s touches – which were soft and gentle but so heartbreaking when combined with his shaking and his heart wrenching expression. “Bilbo?” He questioned softly, knowing well the grip a nightmare could have on someone even when they were awake.

Bilbo raised his eyes. When he caught Fili’s gaze he pulled back quickly, a slightly embarrassed flush settling on his cheeks. “I’m sorry.” He was quick to apologize. “It’s just… ah, well, good to see you doing well.” Bilbo said with a half-smile. Then, though, he lowered his eyes and clenched his hands into fists and bit his lower-lip for a moment, before softly whispering: “Alive.”

Fili’s eyes widened at the admission. It was completely inappropriate, certainly the wrong time to feel something like this, but Fili felt strangely happy. Bilbo dreaming could only mean one thing, after all, certainly seeing how upset he was having dreamt Fili died. He cared. Bilbo cared and as it was Fili who he dreamt off and not someone else like Bofur or Ori, Fili felt the hope that perhaps Bilbo cared _more_ about him than he did for the others. That hope, though, would have to be acted upon later. For now his first priority was consoling Bilbo, who still looked awfully shaken up and pale.

He gave Bilbo what he hoped was a re-assuring smile and thought back to the few times he’d comforted Kili after a nightmare. “I am. I’m right here.” He told Bilbo softly.

Bilbo gave Fili a shaky smile. He appreciated what the other was trying to do. With the after-effects of the nightmare wearing down and his mind actually thinking straight, though, he couldn’t help but feel embarrassed.

Here he was, with very little wounds other than a weary body and soul and some scrapes he hadn’t even bothered to have Oin look at, close to tears like a little child over a nightmare! Every single individual in their group had seen and done worse things than him, had suffered so much more and he was just… He swallowed, praying that this wouldn’t change Thorin’s opinion of him for the worse. “Of course you are.” He replied to Fili, sounding perhaps a bit bitter and feeling guilty for it. Fili was only trying to help. But Bilbo couldn’t help but feel like a weakling now. He sighed, shaking his head. “This is ridiculous.”

Fili had to admit to being slightly shocked at Bilbo’s words. Didn’t the other realize this was perfectly normal? _Probably not_. He thought. Considering the environment Bilbo had grown up in there wouldn’t have been many warriors, no-one to tell Bilbo that after something akin to what had happened today, _everyone_ had nightmares. He moved, settling down next to Bilbo, back against the tree and shoulder against Bilbo’s shoulder. “It’s all right to have nightmares, you know?”

“It wasn’t…” Bilbo started and then shook his head with a sigh. Why would he deny it? It was quite obvious he’d had a nightmare. With a sigh he leaned his head against the tree. He couldn’t help his eyes wandering to Thorin, frown marring his face as he thought of what the other must think of him now. Crying out his nephew’s name in terror while he slept… “Nightmares are for little kids.”

Fili saw Bilbo looking at Thorin, saw the look in the hobbit’s eyes and suddenly thought he knew what the other was thinking. He resisted the urge to sigh and stalk over to Thorin and tell him that the way he’d treated Bilbo up until now had made Bilbo insecure and afraid of looking weak. It wasn’t untrue completely – compared to them, Bilbo was weaker but no less brave and courageously stupid – but Fili wasn’t quite impartial when it came to Bilbo. Instead, he focused on comforting Bilbo rather than attempting to change things he couldn’t change anymore.

“They’re not nightmares as much as they are night terrors, though.” Fili said, turning his head to look at Bilbo. When the other looked at him, he smiled albeit a small smile. “That’s what we call them, usually. Memories of what happened or, what’s usually worse, what could have happened. There’s nothing you can do about it, really. Someone told me it’s the mind trying to deal with what happened. I quite believe that is true.”

Fili’s words comforted Bilbo, made him feel less of a weak idiot. To know everyone here had had the same dreams he’d had… it was a comfort to know. It didn’t, though, ease his guilt and the horrible feeling that was still left within him. Perhaps not from his dream, but from what he’d done before. 

He took a shaky breath and lowered his eyes to stare at Fili’s boots, not able to look at the other as he confessed: “I’ve never… I mean, this is the first time that I… k-killed.”

Fili had known. He had known that Bilbo had never killed before. But knowing such a fact and hearing the other admit it himself were two different things. Because knowing didn’t bring him heartbreak. Knowing didn’t make Bilbo stare at his boots with his lower-lip trembling, hands shaking and tears pooling in his eyes. Knowing didn’t make Fili pull Bilbo to his chest, a secure and tight arm around the hobbit’s shoulders as the other softly sobbed into his tunic.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big chapter~ <3
> 
> With lots of thank-yous to my new lovely beta [Grantairesunderwear](http://archiveofourown.org/users/grantairesunderwear/pseuds/grantairesunderwear)
> 
> ALSO a note: I probably won't update next week. Or the week after that. Thursday I'll be getting the key to my apartment (FINALLY!) and we'll have to paint the entire thing, lay the floor, well, do everything really. So I'll be super busy DIY-ing and moving out and if I've got some time who knows what I'll post, but just a fair warning that there might be nothing for 2 or 3 weeks.

Fili held Bilbo as he cried.

He felt the other’s shoulders shake beneath his hands and even through his shirt he felt the hot puffs of air that came with the hobbit’s tears of guilt and anguish. He knew the feeling well, even though it had been years for him. But the pain was a familiar one and while he always felt bad when someone was caught in it – he still remembered comforting Kili – with Bilbo it was different.

Bilbo’s cries felt like stabs to his heart, Bilbo’s hands, clenched into the front of his shirt felt like they were tearing at every fiber of his soul. He _felt_ Bilbo’s pain and it was terrifying and heart wrenching.

Without truly realizing what he was doing he slipped a hand into Bilbo’s hair, winding his fingers through curls and stroking him in a comforting manner. Whether it was to comfort Bilbo or himself, Fili wasn’t sure. What he was sure about though, was the fact he took a guilty amount of pleasure in the simple act of comforting Bilbo. While he felt the other’s pain, felt it tear at him in a way that scared him half to death, holding Bilbo like this felt so good.

So it was with a lot of guilt and pain and a certain measure of happiness in his heart that he comforted Bilbo, wishing they could stay like this forever. 

\---

It took Bilbo a good ten minutes to stop the tears and to breathe normally again. Finally the hobbit was back together, only to realize that Fili was hugging him and carding fingers through his hair while he had cried a wet spot onto Fili's chest. 

That realization snapped him out of his crying. Granted, he still felt awful, like some part had been ripped out of him - his innocence, most likely - and his hands still shook and from the corner of his eyes he could see his blade with blood on it - even though there wasn't, Dwalin had helped him clean it.

He wondered how long he would feel like this, empty and shaken up and seeing things that weren't there. He wondered when the guilt would end, for it wasn't like he had killed an innocent creature without reason. He had killed evil for the sake of saving another, a king, a companion - he could hardly consider Thorin a friend.

But he still felt guilt.

He still felt empty and dull and _scared_.

Then he noticed the hand being placed at the back of his head, a thumb stroking his curls gently. “It’s okay.” Fili murmured softly.

Bilbo could hear the genuine care in Fili’s voice, could almost feel the other’s memories of his own experience in the touches. He swallowed, guilt brought down to a dull ache with a gentle hand and a few soothing words. 

Closing his eyes he reveled in it, the feeling, the warmth spreading through him. _This is dangerous._ His mind whispered.

It was.

Bilbo felt like he could linger in Fili’s arms if he allowed himself that.

Which he didn’t – much too dangerous, one could up getting hurt!

He pulled back, settling against the tree and even though his mind screamed to put some distance between them, he couldn’t push himself to do that. He wanted – needed – the comfort Fili had to offer and for once, he felt selfish enough to take it.

They sat in silence, neither really knowing what to say. Fili not knowing what words of comfort to offer and Bilbo unsure which to ask for. 

The silence stretched and Bilbo noticed that the others started giving them glances now. Worried glances followed by harsh sounding whispers in Khudzul. 

He wished it didn’t make him feel insecure as he had a feeling that that wasn’t their intention at all. But he couldn’t help but feel like he was being judged.

Fili must have noticed his sudden dejection, because he bumped Bilbo’s shoulder and softly admitted, “It’s never easy.”

Bilbo swallowed, lowering his eyes to stare at his lap. He sort of got that now, yes.

He was grateful that he’d saved Thorin, a small part of him was proud of that feat. But there was another, much bigger, part of him that wished someone else had been close, had been quicker. That someone else had defended Thorin so that he could’ve stayed in that tree without killing.

“It does get better, you know.” Fili spoke suddenly, voice soft to keep the others from overhearing.

Bilbo blinked, not having paid attention. He turned to Fili with a small frown and found the other looking at the sky. “What?”

Fili turned his head to Bilbo, a slightly haunted look falling over the dwarf’s eyes. But it was only there for a moment and when Fili blinked again it was gone, replaced by the gentle and kind twinkle he usually looked at Bilbo with. His voice, however, was far from gentle as he said, “Killing.”

Bilbo let out a laugh, giving Fili a look that could’ve been amused hadn’t it looked less like an uncomfortable grimace. “I don’t plan on doing it again anytime soon.”

Fili smiled sadly. “You might not have that choice.”

The answer stunned Bilbo into silence. Granted, he knew. It was an adventure they were on after all and it wasn’t the kind where they’d steal apples from someone’s land. He’d seen that first-hand now. But he’d done a great deal to actually ignore that up until now.

He swallowed.

He’d have to kill… again. He clenched his eyes shut and tried not to tremble.

“You know…” Fili started, drawing Bilbo from his thoughts that were leading him further and further towards panic. “The first time I killed in battle… it was horrible.”

Bilbo could only sit in silence at the admission, watching Fili closely and silently urging him to continue.

Fili chuckled, shaking his head. “Don’t tell Kili but I had nightmares for weeks.”

Bilbo gave a weak smile. He would probably see the amusing side of this later, in a few days perhaps a few weeks – how long did getting over something like this usually take anyway? But now it just reminded him of the nightmares he’d had and his heart went out for Fili, even though it was obvious the other wasn’t bothered by it at all and it had all been quite some time ago.

“What did you… uhm.” Bilbo started but abruptly halted his question. He couldn’t possibly ask! Those were the kind of questions one simply didn’t ask and if they were asked anyway, it should be between two whose relationship was a lot more of the romantic sort than what was between Fili and him. Inappropriate and rude, that was what it was. Trying to satisfy a curiosity that should be left starving anyway, for knowing too much about Fili could not end well.

“Dream about?” Fili inquired softly, voice kind and in a way urging Bilbo to finish his question.

Bilbo nodded, lowering his eyes. “Aye. If… if you don’t mind me asking.”

Fili laughed softly. “I don’t.” He said truthfully, he meant it, which was perhaps strange as Bilbo asked him to show weakness in a way. But he wasn’t, was he? He was asking for re-assurance, not weakness. And re-assurance he would love to give Bilbo.

Anything to make him feel better and safer.

“Usually I dreamt of the things that would happen after the fight. Not memories, for it could never have happened and truthfully, I think memories would have been better. At least in the real world the warg had died. But when I dreamt it came back, even more daunting and ugly than it had been when alive. It came back for revenge, killing my family. First Kili, then mother and Thorin and I watched as that thing tore them into pieces. When it would then turn to me, I woke up. Those dreams would have been bad for anyone. But when I killed that warg… I was quite young. Uncle had only taken me hunting because I’d begged and the entire ordeal had been scary to say the least. The nightmares though… they were just horrifying.” He took a breath and shook his head. 

Bilbo felt strangely comforted by the admission, by knowing that he wasn’t the only one suffering from nightmares. That someone like Fili did, too.

Fili, however, wasn’t finished yet. “It was then that uncle told me they were not mere nightmares. They were night-terrors, memories or what-ifs that follow you around and eat at you. They don’t make you weak, because anyone has them. I can assure you, even Dwalin has suffered from them. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.”

Bilbo smiled, a smile of relief, comfort, and happiness at the fact that Fili’s words had indeed lightened his burden slightly. “That is good to hear.” He nodded to himself. “And how long… I mean, normally, will it take long before I can… sleep without being afraid again?”

Fili sighed. “I’m afraid I can’t say. It is different for everyone. Some have it once, others for a little while, and for others it is every now and then. All I can say is that everyone deals with them in their own way but the best way to deal with them is usually by talking about it with someone.”

Bilbo hummed at the news, slightly disappointed. He wished it wouldn’t take long. He might’ve killed but the creature had been a danger and was evil and any guilt he felt he thought was misplaced.

Fili most likely took Bilbo’s silence the wrong way, for he forced a smile onto his lips and raised his hands into the air. “Of course I am not saying that that person should be me. Should you want to talk to anyone else, or not wish to talk at all, that is perfectly fine as well.”

Bilbo shook his head, feeling guilty. Not for killing now, but for making Fili upset. He’d been kind enough to comfort Bilbo now and the least Bilbo could do was put some trust in him and share his dream. Perhaps it was only justified as Fili had been the one he’d been dreaming about – the implications of that, of course, Bilbo ignored completely and he was sure Fili wouldn’t even notice what it could mean. 

Besides, talking to the source of his nightmare about his nightmare, Bilbo was quite certain there wouldn’t be a better way to get over it. Right?

So he took a deep breath and leaned his head against the tree.

He set his eyes upon the rest of the company spread out over their camp-site, watching them while he spoke.

He told Fili of his nightmare. Of how he’d been too late, how Fili had been the one fighting rather than Bilbo himself. How Fili had died.

By that point Bilbo’s hands were shaking and Fili reached out, placing his bigger hand over Bilbo’s in a soothing way.

Bilbo took a shaky breath and gave Fili a half-smile. “Thank you.” He said. He meant it, for he was grateful for what Fili did and was doing; being kind, listening to him, and comforting him while he had no obligation to do so whatsoever. It showed Bilbo that Fili was a good friend and kindled a hope within him he didn’t have the energy to fight at that moment. So he let the warm feeling of hope spread through him and let himself enjoy the feel of Fili’s hand over his.

“I should be the one saying that.” Fili replied, chuckling. He turned his head to look at Bilbo, a grateful sheen in his eyes. “For sharing what you just did with me, even if it was to heal yourself, you did not have to chose me. And for that I thank you, Master Baggins.”

“Bilbo.” Bilbo said, almost automatically. When Fili blinked at him, he flushed. “You can call me that, if you want to, you know. Considering we are talking about nightmares and, well, I think we might be past the ‘master’ part.”

“I…” Fili swallowed the lump in his throat away, feeling happy at the other’s words. “I am very happy you think that, Bilbo.”

Seeing the other’s happy expression, seeing his smile, the way his eyes lit up made Bilbo think that perhaps getting closer to Fili wouldn’t be so bad.

He’d probably be wrong.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all,
> 
> Sorry it's been such a while. Life has just been insane the past 3 weeks! Good news is, though, that my entire apartment is now close to being done so I'm absolutely excited about that!
> 
> Here's a new (long awaited, maybe? XD) chapter! Hope you all like it and from now on unless something happens I'll try and update every weekend again!
> 
> Lots of love <3

By the next evening the company had descended – clambered was more like it – the Carrok and instead of camping in-between stone with little trees they were now camping on a grassy meadow. 

This made Bilbo incredibly happy and the moment the company settled down for the night he dumped his pack and just stood in the grass.

He took a deep, happy breath and when he breathed out he looked up at the sky with a smile. He wriggled his toes, feeling the grass tickle slightly and it just felt so familiar, so much like _home_.

For a moment he felt a punch of homesickness in his gut. But then he turned his eyes back to the company and the homesickness was gone. These dwarves were sort of his home now, weren’t they?

He couldn’t help but smile at that thought. 

“Burglar.”

Bilbo startled slightly at the low voice. He blinked and looked up to find Thorin standing next to him.

Thorin looked almost relaxed, with his armor laid aside for the night and instead his fur-coat was resting loosely on his shoulders. But he had scratches all over his face and Bilbo knew there to be a wound beneath the other’s shirt as well.

“Thorin,” Bilbo gave a polite nod. “How are you?” He asked, both curious to know and feeling nervous enough to want to prevent a silence from falling between them.

They might be on reasonable terms now, but that didn’t mean Bilbo was certain of exactly how Thorin felt about him. After the other’s apology – and what a very Thorin-like apology it had been – on top of the Carrok they hadn’t talked so Bilbo was still unsure.

Thorin raised a hand, pressing it tenderly against his abdomen and a grimace passed his face.

Bilbo was surprised to see the expression flicker across the other’s face. Sure, it was gone within a second but it had been something Bilbo was certain he was allowed to see. Because he hadn’t seen Thorin tired or hurt before even though it was impossible the other didn’t feel it. So he had guessed a while back that Thorin just chose not to show it. So for Bilbo to catch sight of that flicker of distress… well, he thought perhaps there was no need to talk. Perhaps that mere expression told him more than words ever could.

“I’m well.” Thorin replied to Bilbo’s question and, when the hobbit looked at him with a raised eyebrow, added: “Considering the circumstances, that is.”

“Good,” Bilbo nodded. “That’s good.” He almost nervously shifted his feet, not knowing what to say. Aside from defending himself from rude comments he’d never really talked with Thorin.

He didn’t need to speak, however, for Thorin turned his eyes to Bilbo. They shone with gratefulness and to Bilbo’s great shock there was a tiny smile on the other’s lips. “Yet I wouldn’t be without your help.”

Bilbo blinked and then flushed, feeling both proud and embarrassed. But Thorin wasn’t done.

“I truly have been so wrong about you, master Baggins. I have been cruel unnecessarily, judging you without knowing anything about you. For that, I am deeply sorry.” Thorin acknowledged, sounding humble and guilty.

Bilbo felt a bit taken aback by the other’s words and the honest regret. He hadn’t expected it, not after the apology he had already received but he was very grateful for it nonetheless. It was very good to know that Thorin valued him.

Bilbo smiled at Thorin, who was still looking at him. “Thank you.” He said honestly. “You are completely right that you judged before you should have, book and cover, you know?” When Bilbo caught Thorin’s frown, caught between amusement and annoyance, he realized exactly what he’d said and flushed. “But, well, yes, thank you. I must admit I am happy you changed your opinion.”

Thorin nodded. “As am I.” 

That was when both Thorin and Bilbo caught half the company watching them curiously. Most turned their attention to whatever they were doing when they caught Thorin and Bilbo looking at them. Fili and Kili, however, just frowned but kept watching.

Bilbo huffed in amusement.

“They have taken quite the liking to you.” Thorin said, glancing at Bilbo with an unreadable expression.

Bilbo’s blood ran cold at the words and his eyes shot up to Thorin straight away. “Is that… a bad thing?” He asked, wondering what Thorin was getting it. His friendship with Kili, his thing with Fili? 

“No, not at all master Baggins. It was merely an observation.” Thorin said in re-assurance, shaking his head.

Bilbo smiled, but it was tight and probably didn’t reach his eyes. “Well, a correct one and I have taken quite the liking to them as well. They’re good lads.”

“That they are.” Thorin said with a nod and a somewhat fatherly smile. He then turned back to Bilbo and clasped his back – hard, making Bilbo wince. “You best make sure they don’t fall over that log in their curiosity. Mayhap teach them to be a bit less obvious, burglar.”

Bilbo tried not to think too much at something that could be a casual comment but could very well also be a reminder of his position within the company. He pulled up his lips before looking at Fili and Kili and shaking his head, a grin now on his lips. “Are you sure you want them to be less obvious?”

Thorin chuckled. “Yes. At least to the point where it isn’t painful anymore.” With that said he clasped Bilbo’s shoulder again before walking away.

And as Bilbo watched Thorin he couldn’t help but feel like he’d just been thanked and threatened by Thorin all in the same short conversation.

\---

After his conversation with Thorin he’d sat down at his pack – or what was left of it – to both think and see what was left of the things he’d taken.

The result was quite disappointing.

He tried not to think too much of the loss of the letters he’d written to his mother. Not when he knew that he should be happy to be alive at this point.

He was so grateful to be alive and really quite unharmed considering what he’d done and gone through. Also by now, he’d gotten used to eating at least a tenth of what he was used to. Sure, he had lost most of his weight – every hobbit he knew would be appalled if they saw him now – and had regular stomach aches because he was just so _hungry_. But then again, everyone was hungry and he felt he had no place to complain. He was smallest of all, after all, and with the big bulk the dwarves also carried on their backs he wouldn’t dream of taking any more food for it meant someone else would have less.

No he was perfectly fine.

 

That didn’t mean that when it was time for dinner, Bilbo didn’t rush to the campfire, stomach rumbling and wanting to get some food as quickly as he could.

On his way to Bombur and his stew he passed Fili and Kili.

Before he knew quite what was happening, though, a hand was on his arm tugging him down to sit on the log next to Kili. 

He blinked, looked at the other and Kili grinned throwing an arm around Bilbo’s shoulder. “Fili is getting our food. You just sit here with me and relax.”

Bilbo’s eyes found Thorin’s figure then. For a second, he watched the dwarf and thought of his words. But Thorin had said that it wasn’t a bad thing and Bilbo at that moment couldn’t be bothered to do anything other than take the words for truth.

If Thorin had meant to say something else, he should have simply said so, Bilbo reasoned.

So he sighed happily and leaned against Kili a bit. “Okay.”

Kili hummed happily when he felt Bilbo settle. “You deserve it, you know. After all you’ve done…” He trailed off and shook his head with a laugh. “By Mahal, do you have any idea how much you scared us all?”

“Well…” Bilbo started, feeling quite amused. Relaxing, right.

Kili poked Bilbo’s cheek. “It might’ve been pretty damn heroic, but don’t do it again.” Kili said solemnly. He looked at his brother who was getting the three bowls in his hands filled by Bombur. Softly, without realize he was speaking, he mumbled: “I don’t think he’d be able to take that.”

Bilbo gasped, eyes snapping up to Kili straight away at hearing the words. “What?”

Kili turned his eyes to Bilbo and raised an eyebrow. “What what?” He asked, a bit teasingly.

Bilbo huffed. “What you just said…”

Kili’s amusement faded and instead a somewhat sad smile touched his lips. “Well, it’s true isn’t it?”

Bilbo huffed again, shaking his head and looking at the fire. He didn’t know what Kili was thinking was between Fili and him, but he was most definitely wrong. “No it’s not.” He pointed out, sounding wistfully.

Kili frowned at the other’s words and tone. Surely Bilbo could see how worried Fili was for him for even the blind could see! But what, Kili wondered, if he didn’t. What if Bilbo simply didn’t see. He wasn’t a dwarf nor did he really know Fili all that well. Maybe Bilbo just felt as if someone like Fili couldn’t be worried about someone like Bilbo. Or maybe this was all just wishful thinking on Kili’s part. Maybe he was just so worried and sad for Fili to have a One that wasn’t a dwarf that he was trying to find ways to make it better. To make it right. And surely if Bilbo liked Fili – like would stay at Erebor and get married liked – everything would be right. 

“What if it is?” Kili asked suddenly, unable to stop himself.

Before Bilbo could react though – other than staring at Kili – Fili walked towards them with a grin, three bowls of stew in his hands.

Kili swore that in that moment, looking at Fili, Bilbo looked a bit like a terrified rabbit.

He wasn’t sure whether that was good or bad.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! <3

Fili walked up to them and all Bilbo could think was that Kili was up to something. Surely, he had to be if he was asking questions like that. 

He wanted to ask what was going on but didn’t get the chance as Fili was in front of them with their stew.

For a second Fili looked at the pair in front of him imploringly, lingering on Kili just a tad bit longer with a frown. Then he looked at Bilbo again and offered him a bowl of stew with a smile. “Here’s your stew, Bilbo.” 

“Thanks.” Bilbo took the bowl gratefully, opting to ignore Kili’s question and Fili’s imploring look altogether. 

Instead, he was happy to sit in-between the brothers and just eat his dinner.

While Fili and Kili wolfed down their dinners, Bilbo took his time taking small bites. At least it would give him the idea of having had a lot of food which he hoped would silence his hunger for a bit longer.

Next to him, Kili - nearly having finished his dinner already - sighed and shook his head. “It’s so bland and tasteless." He stated, waving his free hand at his bowl. Then he looked at Bilbo with a grin and a excited twinkle in his eyes. “I _dream_ of the food we had at your home, Bilbo!”

“Thanks.” Bilbo chuckled. He still found it very amusing that the dwarves spoke so excitedly about the dinner they had had in Bag-End. It hadn’t been _bad_ , but he knew that if he had known beforehand who were to come he would have prepared a much better feast. 

“I mean, the _amount_ of food!” Kili gushed, waving his hands in the air excitedly as he spoke. “And for just you, too. It’s nice but a bit too abundant, don’t you think?” He asked teasingly, poking Bilbo in the side – and freezing straight away, looking at Fili with an alarmed expression. Bilbo hadn’t been this not-pudgy before!

Bilbo, though, was completely oblivious to Kili’s shock – and Fili’s worried frown at his brother’s wide eyes. He laughed and gave Kili an amused look. “Abundant? I think not!” He snorted and shook his head. “With the seven meals we eat every day having a properly stocked pantry is important.”

The silence that followed his statement came as a surprise. Bilbo’s amusement made room for a frown and he looked first at Kili, then Fili and then he took notice of the entire company having fallen silent.

He watched them over the campfire, saw their eyes go over his figure and frowns appearing on their faces.

He swallowed, suddenly feeling quite self-conscious. Had he said something wrong?

“Seven?” Kili then questioned softly, voice shocked and his eyes wide as he watched Bilbo.

Bilbo turned to him and now it was his turn to frown. “Yes,” he nodded. “I never said?”

On his other side, Fili took a deep breath through his nose. “No.” He said through gritted teeth, shaking his head. When Bilbo turned to look at him Fili gave him an almost accusing glare. “No, you didn’t.”

Bilbo blinked, quite shocked at the rather serious reactions he was receiving. Because not only did Fili look rather pissed off and Kili was looking at him with wide eyes, the rest of the company was giving him similar looks.

Was eating seven meals a day really so shocking? Or was the fact that he hadn't mentioned it before really so upsetting? It was just trivial information, nothing that was really necessary knowledge to have while on the road!

But everyone looked quite upset and Fili looked so angry and it made Bilbo feel guilty, even though it was quite ridiculous. Ridiculous or not, though, he couldn’t stand the other’s disappointed looks and even more he didn’t want Fili to be angry with him – even for a silly reason!

“Well, I’m sorry. I guess it never came up.” He shrugged and gave Fili an apologetic smile.

Fili, however, looked quite upset at those words. “It never came up?” He asked and shook his head. “So you’ve never been hungry on this journey?”

Bilbo frowned. What kind of ridiculous question was that? “Of course I have been. Starving even!”

“What!” Kili shrieked next to Bilbo.

Bilbo’s eyes widened slightly at the sudden noise and he turned around to look at the other with an expectant frown.

Kili, meanwhile, looked at him with wide eyes full of worry and guilt. “We…. Have we been starving you?” He asked, sounding almost aghast.

All Bilbo could do was blink and ask:“What?”

"We must have!” Bofur cried suddenly. “Look at the amount of weight he lost."

"Yes,” Dwalin grunted, looking at Bilbo and nodding his head. “He's not even pudgy anymore."

“Excuse me… Pudgy!?” Bilbo shrieked, jumping up and glaring at Dwalin. 

"And his skin is so pale." Dori said.

“Pale?” Bilbo couldn’t believe the rudeness of these dwarves! The complete lack of respect for his person and he wondered if they were truly worried for him or merely offending him under a good ruse!

“And his hair, it’s lost its shine.” Ori chimed in, nodding along with the others and fidgeting with his sleeves while giving Bilbo a worried glance.

“I hear him shivering at night, must be because he’s lost weight and he’s got less fat to keep him warm!” Gloin nodded.

Bilbo gaped. While it was true he had been cold at night _that_ surely was a rude and careless exaggeration.

“I’m sure that if we ask him to lift Dwalin’s war-hammer he’d be unable to get the thing off of the ground!” Bofur added again, the dwarf now standing in front of the fire and most of the others chorusing “yeah’s” and “that’s right’s” while nodding their heads and giving Bilbo worried looks.

“Excuse me, that is quite enough thank you very much! You are all exaggerating, don’t you think? First of all, I could _never_ lift that damned thing, not when I was a little lad and not now. Secondly, I hardly think there is any fuss to make! We all eat the same amount of food and we’re all hungry. There simply is no more food so why should I make a fuss as everyone gets an equal portion anyway?” Bilbo said and glared at every single dwarf sitting at the campfire. Then he huffed, crossed his arms in front of his chest and sat down on the log again in-between Fili and Kili, muttering darkly: “And I shall do you all a favor and ignore the distasteful and disrespectful comments about my appearance.”

An awkward silence fell over the company at Bilbo’s words.

Some of them lowered their eyes, others merely frowned and next to Bilbo both Fili and Kili had the decency to look at least a bit guilty. Perhaps not for their worry, but definitely for the reaction their words had caused.

Bilbo just sat next to them, fuming and silently cursing the dwarves. He _was_ grateful for their worry, their care. But he was angry too, angry when for once he had done the right thing and hadn’t complained that still hadn’t been the correct thing to do!

“We didn’t mean to make you feel bad.” Ori suddenly blurted.

Bofur nodded. “Indeed. We’re just worried ‘bout ya!”

When Dori looked ready to speak, though, Thorin stood. 

Everyone fell silent and watched Thorin, who now stood across Bilbo on the other side of the campfire. “That’s about enough.” He told the company and then his eyes settled on Bilbo, expression a combination between worry and annoyance that only Thorin seemed able to pull off. “Master Baggins, please know that while we might be on the road and that indeed, some nights some of us are hungry, none of us have ever been _starving_. Such is a thing I will not allow, not while I am the leader of this company. Hunger is one thing, starving another and if only you would have told me of your… need for more food I would have…” Here Thorin trailed off and frowned, looking for a moment as if he was irritated with himself.

_Probably realizes that I couldn’t really have told him,_ Bilbo couldn’t help but think. When a second later he caught Thorin’s eyes, saw the slight glimmer of guilt in them, he knew his thoughts had been correct.

Clearing his throat, Thorin continued: “Alas, we cannot change the past no matter how much we wish we could. But from now on whenever possible you shall receive more food so we can get you back to your… Hobbit-y self.”

Bilbo blinked, absolutely flabbergasted. He’d be getting more food? Thorin – and the others, for everyone was nodding along with what their leader was saying – offered him more food with nothing in return? 

Saving Thorin’s life truly had made the other turn around completely! If he had known before, he would have attempted something silly like this way earlier although he did remember that Thorin hadn’t been so grateful after Bilbo had saved them from the trolls. Circumstances, he guessed, but he felt warm and accepted right now so he couldn’t be too bothered to care about Thorin’s sudden mood-swing in regards to his person.

“What ‘bout the nights, though?” Bofur suddenly asked, looking around their group. “We ain’t got any blankets to spare.”

Next to Bilbo, Kili laughed and all but draped himself over Bilbo’s shoulders. “No worries, master Bofur!” He called and beckoned Fili closer with his hand – Fili, wisely, refusing to cooperate. “Me and my brother have that covered.”

Bilbo’s squeak at those words made the entire company burst out in laughter.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor awkward Bilbo...
> 
> Small note: I might not update next week. I need to go to Sochi for work for 2 weeks and I don't know when exactly I leave and when exactly I get back.

_Me and my brother have that covered_ apparently hadn’t meant “we will provide Bilbo with one of our furs so he won't freeze to death.” 

No, instead it apparently meant “we will move our bedrolls so Bilbo has to sleep in-between us.” 

It had amused most of the company and left Bilbo a combination of bewildered and embarrassed.

He had to sleep in-between the brothers? He panicked for a little bit then, heart skipping a treacherous beat while he kept his eyes fixed on his bedroll rather than look at the two brothers.

Sleeping next to Kili he could do. The other was sort of like a brother to him – even though he didn’t quite know what it was like to have a brother, but he had the feeling it would be just like hanging around Kili, being teased and having fun while at the same time being worried over.

When he’d first thought that, Bilbo had been quite shocked at how close he had started to feel to not only Fili, but Kili and even Bofur as well! But it was nice, having friends and a sense of family. It had been too long since he’d had that for himself, after all and the more time Bilbo spent with the dwarves the less he cared about the worried voice in the back of his mind. 

In either case, sleeping next to the younger dwarf would be all right, might even be fun although Bilbo could do with a good night of sleep.

Then there was Fili. It wasn’t that Bilbo didn’t want to sleep next to him, because dear Yavanna, Bilbo _wanted_ to sleep next to Fili! But it was exactly that want that made Bilbo wary. For he knew he couldn’t get out of sleeping in-between the brothers for the night without making a total arse or fool out of himself. He _knew_ he’d be sleeping with Fili at his back – because surely he couldn’t also face Fili! – and that thought just made his imagination run wild. He’d already imagined feeling Fili’s breath against his neck, his arms around his waist, them getting tangled throughout the night.

So it was safe to say Bilbo was very wary of sleeping near Fili. Not for the fact of being close for at least now he had the chance of being close without having to actually ask! No, he was wary of unconsciously snuggling up to Fili during the night and then when he would wake up in the other’s arms, no matter now nice and romantic that was, then where would he be? Lost and a fool, for sure!

 

Suddenly a hand was placed atop of his shoulder and Bilbo startled, turning quickly with widened eyes before seeing it was Fili.

Fili stood beside him at the foot-end of his bedroll and was looking at Bilbo with a small frown. He glanced at the three bedrolls now thrown together and after a moment of hesitation sighed softly. "If you don't... agree with this sleeping arrangement I can talk Kili out of it." He stated, a bit of disappointment in his voice despite his words.

Bilbo’s eyes widened and his head snapped up straight away. He looked at Fili and shook his head. “No, I mean… I don’t mind.” 

Relief fell over Fili’s face and he smiled. “Good.” He nodded. “If you’re sure. You were looking awfully disagreeing just now, though.” He added, now more amused than disappointed though.

Bilbo hummed softly, quickly thinking of an answer. He could hardly say it was sleeping next to Fili that had had him looking so disagreeing, after all. Fili who apparently got disappointed at the thought of Bilbo not wanting to sleep in-between Kili and him, and wasn’t that something!

“Just thinking, really. I mean, I’ve never…” Bilbo trailed off.

Fili raised an eyebrow at the words, looking a bit stupefied and confused.

Bilbo frowned. What could have the other looking like that, he wondered? _Oh_ , he then thought, thinking of what his words _could_ mean. “No, no I mean, I have. I have. I just never… oh bollocks!” 

Fili chuckled. “I must admit that now I’m quite curious what you have and haven’t done, mast- Bilbo.”

In his embarrassment, Bilbo didn’t notice the fact Fili had in the last second used his name. He just flushed – feeling as if it went all the way up to his ears – and he fidgeted with the edges of his waistcoat nervously. “I have shared a bed, of course.” He admitted and then quickly lowered his eyes, feeling more and more embarrassed, thinking that perhaps he should stop speaking but the words just kept falling out. “Not too often, but I have. But never like this.” He waved a hand at what could most likely be called a nest. “Just sleeping with… yeah.” He laughed and shook his head.

“With?” Fili urged, curious yet gentle.

Bilbo shook his head. “No, no forget about that. I mean, I’m not sure, you might be offended. Or… angry, or disappointed or, I just don’t know.”

“Let’s settle on I might actually like it.” Fili said with a nod. “You’re the good kind, Bilbo, I’m quite sure I won’t be offended.”

What had he gotten himself into! Oh his big mouth. Now he actually had to admit it. He’d rather not – it was quite inappropriate and embarrassing – but Fili looked so hopeful for an answer. That was something Bilbo just couldn’t say no to, even if he wanted to. 

He sighed softly and nervously pulled at his waistcoat, looking at his feet. “It’s a bit like a family.” He admitted softly. “I mean, Kili is like a brother and you are…” Bilbo trailed off insecurely. What exactly was Fili anyway? Certainly not a brother!

Fili gasped. “I am what?”

It was the other’s stunned tone, full of confusion and wonder, perhaps even hope, that had Bilbo’s head snap up. For a few seconds their eyes caught and Bilbo couldn’t look away.

But before he could reply, Kili was walking up to them and asking with a grin what the two were whispering about.

It broke their ‘moment’ but for the rest of the night as the company sat at the fire and made merry, Bilbo couldn’t stop thinking of the other’s reaction to his words.

\---

Retiring was a very awkward affair that night. At least, for Bilbo. It was quite obvious that the brothers were both quite comfortable with the arrangement. But perhaps, Bilbo thought, that was because they always seemed to sleep close to one another.

Before he knew quite what was going on Fili and Kili had both shed their weapons to the ground – within reach, though – and were already settling down. Fili lay on his back, eyes to the sky while Kili pushed himself up on his elbows and teasingly said: “Planning on standing there all night, master Boggins?”

“Of course not!” Bilbo huffed and pulled off his vest, taking a deep breath while doing so. He was being ridiculous. This was going to be just fine. He’d sleep between the brothers, it would be warm, it would be comfortable and it might actually be nice to have a snuggle with –

Bilbo’s eyes widened and he shook his head. _It’s going to be fine_. He told himself.

Under the watchful eyes of both brothers he half-stumbled, half-crawled into their ‘little nest’. When he was underneath the covers both Fili and Kili turned to lay on their sides so they were facing Bilbo. Bilbo, though, swallowed and lay on his back, stiff as a board and staring up at the sky.

_Fine._

Next to Bilbo, Kili chuckled. “Bilbo, relax.”

At that Fili also made an amused noise and Bilbo couldn't help but flush in embarrassment.

This was quite ridiculous, really. He should just get comfortable, close his eyes and get some sleep. It would probably be quite comfortable too, especially since he could wake up snuggled into Fili's chest, surrounded by the other's scent and...

He frowned at his own thoughts, eventually saying: "I’m trying.”

Kili snorted. “Are you sure? Doesn’t seem like it.”

“Yes I’m sure!” Bilbo snapped, more irritated with himself than with Kili. What was he, a tween? He preferred to think that at his age he could handle himself better, with our without crush!

“Try harder, I want to sleep.” Kili teased lightly.

“You’re the one that offered this solution.” Bilbo scoffed.

Fili chuckled. "He's right, you know." He pointed out and as he wriggled around a bit in an attempt to get comfortable, said: "So just leave him be."

After that Kili settled down as well.

The entire camp was silent, safe for a few snores.

Bilbo lay silent for a few moments, minutes, he wasn't sure. Then he sighed softly and moved to lay on his left. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath, in the hopes of calming himself down, and tried to get some well-earned sleep.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure how much you guys will hate me for being in Sochi next week, aka not updating... Especially seeing the end of this chapter : D

It was silent for a few minutes, save for the snoring of some of the company and Bilbo’s soft sighs and rustling sheets as he twisted and turned in an attempt to get comfortable.

The hard round in combination with having to sleep in-between two people turned out to be exactly what he’d thought it to be. For he couldn’t relax at all with his mind occupied with not constantly kicking or hitting either of the two. And then there was Fili.

In fact, it wasn’t Kili’s presence – and the chance of bumping into him – at all that had him uncomfortable. It was Fili. What he made Bilbo feel and moreover the memories that lying next to someone he liked – or thought he liked – brought. Because he wasn’t per say sharing his bed with Fili in the way he had with others. But he was aware of the fact that odds of it ending the same as his “thing” with others did were quite big. Fili was Fili, after all, and he was just Bilbo.

“Bilbo,” Kili suddenly sighed, a combination between amused and exasperated. “Come on.”

Bilbo startled from his thoughts, freezing for a moment. Then he sighed as well, opening his eyes and looking at Kili in the dark, only catching the contours of his face. “I’m trying.” He admitted and then, after a moment of thought, added like a joke: “It’s not my fault I don’t have siblings to cuddle up with.”

Kili chuckled. “It’s the same as with a lass, just less touching.” He said and then laughed at his own reference. 

Bilbo felt his entire body grow cold at the comment. Kili didn’t mean anything with the words. Didn’t know what memories the words brought with them.

Bilbo swallowed and after taking a deep, shaky breath turned around. His back to Kili, Bilbo burrowed himself into his blanket and clenched his eyes closed.

He’d never be able to sleep now but at least maybe Kili would get the hint and leave him be. Because he knew that if they’d start asking he’d eventually break and tell. He’d never talked about it with anyone, after all, and one could only keep something painful to themselves for a certain amount of time.

“Bilbo?” Kili questioned softly, sounding confused and perhaps a bit guilty and placed a hand atop of Bilbo’s shoulder.

“It’s fine.” Bilbo lied. “Go to sleep, Kili.”

Bilbo felt Kili’s hand clench a bit against his shoulder. “But…” Kili muttered softly.

“Kee.” Fili suddenly interrupted his brother’s protest. 

Bilbo’s eyes flew open at hearing Fili’s voice and he found the other looking at him.

Fili had a worried frown on his face and when Bilbo’s eyes caught his the expression softened a bit, growing what Bilbo thought could be a tad bit sad. 

Bilbo swallowed, feeling awfully exposed with Kili’s hand on his shoulder and Fili’s worried eyes on him. But while it made him want to run and hide, the worry of the two also made him feel warm. In a way these two were quickly becoming as close as family to him which was, in all honesty, quite terrifying.

“Okay,” Kili sighed behind Bilbo and squeezed the hobbit’s shoulder before pulling away his hand. “It’s not fine, but I’ll leave it be.” He said, sounding reluctant which showed in the way he wriggled just a bit closer to Bilbo, offering silent comfort in his own way. 

Fili gave his brother a small nod and then turned his eyes back to Bilbo. “Should I ask again?”

Bilbo frowned, confused at the question. Then he remembered the other’s offer.

_I can talk Kili out of it._

He smiled a bit more shyly then he’d intended to. It was actually very touching that Fili was this worried about him and would even at this point still parade Kili away from Bilbo only to give Bilbo some peace of mind. 

“No,” Bilbo managed softly after a few seconds of silence. “No it’s fine.” He assured Fili with a smile.

Fili looked a bit unsure for a second but after a short moment of hesitation he eventually nodded. “All right,” he said. He then settled down again, head resting on his pillow and still facing Bilbo. 

“So we’re good?” Kili asked, slightly hesitant, when he saw his brother settle down.

“Yes,” Bilbo answered with a small smile of his own. “We’re good.”

“’kay then.” Kili said and as he pulled his blanket over him a bit tighter, mumbled: “Night.”

“Good night.” Fili echoed.

“Night.” Bilbo said, settling down as well. He was still facing Fili, who was watching him although even the blond dwarf was starting to look rather tired by now. 

Bilbo couldn’t help but smile and, even though he wasn’t sure if Fili heard it as he was all but asleep, whispered: “Thank you.”

As Fili’s lips curled up in a smile of their own, Bilbo was certain the other had heard him. And with that smile imprinted in his mind, he settled down and cocooned by the brothers even Bilbo managed to fall asleep peacefully.

At least for a little while.

\---

Fili groaned, roughly awakened from his peaceful slumber by… something.

He wasn’t sure what, exactly and his sleep-muddled mind was having a bit of a slow time catching up.

He opened his eyes, trying to take in his surroundings and hopefully figure out what had woken him up.

That’s when it happened again.

He felt a sudden but rather dull pain in his side and he winced softly – more out of surprise than pain. Then he heard a soft whimper coming from the spot where Bilbo was sleeping, followed by a mumble: “No… Ruby, no!”

The words were soft, a bit broken through either sleep or whatever emotions were coursing through Bilbo, but Fili heard them.

Heard them loud and clear and they made his blood run cold.

_Ruby_

Who, Fili wondered angrily and jealously, was Ruby? Bilbo didn’t have anyone in his life. He didn’t. He’d said so.

_Then who is Ruby?_

Fili felt jealous, a treacherous feeling that bubbled and boiled under his skin, that tracked itself through his veins and made his fingers itch. It was a jealously only dwarves were capable of feeling. So possessive were they of the things they held as theirs. But Bilbo wasn’t his. He might be his One, but he wasn’t his. 

Which meant that Fili had no right to feel like this. 

Which, of course, didn’t truly take the feeling away nor did it make the sting any less painful.

Another kick, followed by an even softer whimper, got Fili startled from his thoughts.

He looked at Bilbo, at the other’s expression, and saw the fear on his face. The fear and the heartbreak and whether this was about some woman or not, Fili couldn’t just let Bilbo stay in a nightmare like that!

Before he could be kicked again – he’d gladly suffer a bruise for Bilbo but right now that was hardly necessary, now was it? – and before another whimper could start pulling at his heart he reached out to shake Bilbo’s shoulders.

It felt a lot like last time, when he’d also shaken the other from a nightmare but this time it was considerably more… painful.

“Bilbo,” he mumbled, voice filled with both worry and urgency, shaking the other’s shoulders again.

Bilbo startled at the touch. First his body stilled as he roused from sleep and then he trashed under Fili’s touch, soft and drowsy sounds of confusion escaping him.

“Ssh,” Fili cooed, leaning a bit closer so he could softly mumble into Bilbo’s ear without disturbing anyone else at the camp – for waking the others was the last thing that either of them would want to. “Bilbo it’s me, Fili.”

Bilbo shuddered and drew a sharp breath before opening his eyes and somewhat dazedly staring at the other. “Fili?” He asked, sounding very confused.

Fili nodded. “Yeah, welcome back.” He smiled slightly and pulled back a little, giving the other some space even though every fiber in his body screamed to possessively take hold of Bilbo and never let go. “It was just a dream.”

“A dream…” Bilbo, now wide awake, snorted and turned to his side so he was facing Fili. “More like a nightmare.” Hi sighed and shook his head. “But yes, yes, just my mind.” Bilbo said, sounding a bit shaken up and laughing awkwardly. “Just my mind playing tricks.”

“Yeah.” Fili nodded and then gave Bilbo a small smile. “You okay now?”

Bilbo nodded and then gave Fili an apologetic smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just… sorry for waking you up.”

“No worries, it happens. Just…” Fili started but broke off before he could finish his sentence. He had no right to ask.

Bilbo, however, frowned. “Just?”

Feeling slightly panicked, Fili shook his head. “No, no don’t mind me! I’m just being noisy.” He said in a rush, wanting to hit himself. What had he been thinking, letting his mouth get away from him? Even if it only had been one single word!

Bilbo’s frown deepened at the words. He looked at Fili, studied him for a few moments and then said: “I said something. In my sleep.”

Fili’s blood ran cold for a second. But he couldn’t say no, couldn’t lie to Bilbo. “You… yes, you did.”

“What?” Bilbo demanded, looking tense and sounding nervous.

“Nothing much, just…” For a moment Fili hesitated. Could he ask? _Did_ he really want to ask? Or rather, did he really want to know?

_Yes_ , he then thought. _Yes you do._

So he took a small, shaky breath for confidence and then looked straight into Bilbo’s eyes as he asked: “Who is Ruby?”

Bilbo’s eyes widened and for a few moments he just stared at Fili. Then he mumbled: “Let’s take a walk.”


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a long-awaited update... Sorry for leaving you guys hanging on the last chapter and I hope this one makes up for it (yeah, right... I'll pray I won't go to hell, okay?)!
> 
> Love all of you guys <3

Bilbo’s feet felt like lead as he walked away from the camp.

_Who is Ruby?_

The question echoed through his mind, loud and painful. A reminder of what had happened years and years before and a look into a conversation he would very much like to avoid.

This was something he hadn’t thought of when going to sleep. 

He hadn’t, not for a moment, thought he’d had a nightmare. Even if he had, it wouldn’t have mattered. Because he never would have even considered the fact that Ruby would be in his nightmare in the form of a warg. For he had done his best to erase her from his memories, to never spare her a thought, yet here she was.

The fact she showed up in his nightmare now could only be a message from his mind.

_Remember what she said._

A bitter reminder of what he’d learned a long time ago of what he could – and should – never have.

He glanced to his right, where Fili trudged forward. Upon feeling Bilbo’s eyes resting on him, Fili’s eyes returned to Bilbo once more. He slowed his pace and looked hesitant for a moment before fully stopping and turning to Bilbo. “I think this is far enough.”

Bilbo took a breath and nodded. They were quite far, actually, but he wasn’t about to complain about safety. He was too busy being grateful for the privacy the distance provided them with. After all, he didn’t want anyone other than Fili to hear this explanation. Even telling Fili was something he was torn up about. It was a very well-guarded personal secret to tell someone after all. But there was a part of him that felt a relief now that Fili had asked who Ruby was. Almost like he had been wanting, and waiting for a chance, to tell the other without consciously realizing it. 

“So…” he started, nervously pulling at the edge of his shirt. Did he really want to tell the other? He thought with doubt. His nerves certainly didn’t think so!

Fili watched Bilbo, saw how nervous he was and how he didn’t even look up to meet his eyes. It made him feel guilty that he would let his curiosity get the best of him like this. “Yeah… so are you okay? I mean, the nightmares must be quite unsettling and –”

Bilbo laughed softly, a bit nervously too, interrupting Fili. 

Fili frowned at the reaction.

“You don’t want to know?” He asked Fili, raising an eyebrow and both looking and feeling less nervous. Perhaps it was because he didn’t actually allow himself to think about what he was saying – as was often the case with him. But how could he not ask, with Fili so obvious in his curiosity and still trying to give Bilbo a way out? A chivalrous gesture that was both greatly appreciated and so terribly annoying it made Bilbo want to scream in frustration. Because now that he was here and had mentally prepared himself and build of a resemblance of courage to tell the other of this painful memory, he didn’t want to be talked out of it.

Fili blinked, hesitating for a moment before he shrugged a bit sheepishly and gave Bilbo a hesitant smile. “I do, but only if you want to share.”

Bilbo huffed and shook his head. Really, this dwarf! “We wouldn’t be standing here if I didn’t want to.” 

Fili huffed and shook his head, small smile tugging at his lips. “That’s as true as anything I suppose.”

“Yeah,” Bilbo nodded and then lowered his eyes for a second.

You can do this. He mentally told himself. Then he looked up again and gave Fili a half-smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Ruby.” He swallowed and pulled at some lose threads on his shirt – a bad idea, really, as it was close to falling apart already. “She… we used to court.”

“Ah.” Fili made a somewhat dejected sound and looked quite disappointed. “And you miss her?”

A wry laugh escaped Bilbo at the question. Oh, Fili couldn’t be further from the truth!

“No.” He re-assured Fili, who was starting to look quite panicked. “No, not at all. There is very little to miss, although there is a whole lot to forget. But the thing with forgetting is that it only ever happens to the things and memories you want to remember and never to the things you want to forget.” 

The words didn’t really seem to help and the more Bilbo spoke, the more befuddled Fili looked. 

When Bilbo finished speaking Fili was silent for a few moments, seeming to hesitate. Then he asked: “Did something bad happen?”

Bilbo furrowed his brow. “It’s not necessarily bad.” He stated and then shook his head with a huffed laugh. “No, no it is bad. _Of course_ it is if I dream of her trying to kill you.”

“What?”

“Oh, in the nightmare. I was dreaming of… well, a few nights ago.” Bilbo started but his confidence and steady tone quickly made room for a more insecure and frightened tone to come forth. A shiver raked his body at the memory – something he feared wouldn’t stop anytime soon. “You were… attacked but then the warg turned into Ruby.” Bilbo finished, swallowing away the lump that had suddenly settled in his throat.

Fili looked quite stunned at Bilbo’s words. He blinked and then shook his head. “And you want me to believe that what happened wasn’t bad? They’re just nightmares but the fear in them comes from somewhere…” He frowned and then a bit awkwardly added: "Or well, I'm not saying you are afraid of Ruby but you can't tell me it wasn't something bad."

Bilbo sighed. He might not like remembering the occurrence and even he knew it was a good life-lesson he'd learned that day, Fili was right. It had been bad. For it had hurt and it had taken him a long time to come to terms with what he'd been told that day. Even now that he had accepted it as – the bitter - truth it still stung, but then again a message like that would never stop hurting, he was sure.

“You’re right.” He eventually admitted. He had to for Fili _was_ right. “Despite what it taught me, it was bad. I think the entire Shire didn’t stop speaking of it for weeks. Or so my mother said.”

Fili huffed and shook his head, obviously displeased with the way how Bilbo’d been treated. “I’ll never understand gossip but at least they were decent enough not to do it in your face.”

“Oh they would have, had I gotten out of the house.” Bilbo snorted. 

Fili’s eyes widened. “You locked yourself in the house?” His voice was filled with disbelief and surprise and his fingers itched to hug Bilbo close while the rest of him was almost screaming to hear what had happened.

Bilbo nodded. “Yes.” Then he sighed and shrugged. “Anyone would have, I like to think. It’s quite painful and embarrassing when someone stands in front of your house, screaming at you. Saying that you are unable to love. That you only hurt people.” He lowered his eyes.

Despite the fact that Ruby had been right that night – _don’t you love again, Bilbo Baggins. Don’t you dare!_ – admitting it to Fili was harder than he had expected.

Maybe that was because it was the first time he talked about it. It had to be. For it certainly wasn’t because he started to think, that in another life he could have loved Fili. That if he wanted to, he could allow the other to love him. That, however, wasn’t the reason. For love was something for others. It was not something that was in Bilbo Baggins’ future and seeing the amount of hurt he had witnessed in his life due to love, he was quite pleased with that fact.

“Those are harsh and cruel words indeed.” Fili shook his head and mumbled: “I guess it is true that a dragon’s fire pales in comparison to a lady’s ire.”

“That it does.” Bilbo couldn’t help but agree. True, he had never seen a dragon. But he would very much like to believe it wouldn’t be so bad as facing an angry woman – wistful thinking, he knew. He then said: “Yet the words spoken in either drunkenness or anger ring as true as the words of a child. So perhaps it was best for her to be angry so I heard the truth.”

Mean words had spoken a hard life-lesson but only in that way would one learn the true meaning of the harsher truths in life.

Fili snorted softly and shook his head. “I am not sure if you ought to be happy with hearing that.”

“Not happy.” Bilbo said with a grimace. “But it had to be heard.”

“I disagree.” Fili stated, crossing his hands in front of his chest. “Whatever you did to her, I am quite certain it would never warrant for such harsh words to be yelled across the front garden.” He stated, voice tinged with anger and protectiveness.

Bilbo felt something warm curl up in his gut at the other’s tone. He lowered his eyes, staring at the ground and taking a deep breath. _Don’t get caught._ He told himself. _Fili knows the truth now. Knows you’ll never love. Don’t get caught, you fool._

“I would rather know the harsh truth than live in ignorant bliss my entire life.” Bilbo stated mutely. Really, that was a lesson he had learned himself as a little boy when gardening. For as a little lad he had loved the Viola Odorata with its fragile flowers that colored a beautiful and enchanting purple. He had planted but a few in his mother’s garden and not soon after the entire garden had been taken over by the plant. To a little lad, learning that the plant he loved could not go into a neat and well-kept garden without having to remove at least half of it months later was a harsh truth. But necessary. For he needed to know what plants and weeds to keep out of the garden to keep it clean. In his eyes, it was a little like love. For wasn’t love like a weed that weaseled its way into a garden only to completely overtake it? Ruin the gentle care put into it and its perfectly created beauty? To Bilbo, it was. So to him it was as important to know that the Viola Odorata would over-run his garden like a group of Orcs would a small village, as it was to know that love was not for him. He was a hobbit, after all, and hobbit’s liked nothing more than pretence and clean gardens.


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone likes the new chapter <3

Fili stared up at the dark night-sky, watching stars twinkle and the moon glow. At his right, Bilbo and Kili slept peacefully.

His brother snored softly, as he always did. It was a comforting and familiar sound and every now and then Kili’s blanket rustled as his arm twitched while he dreamt. It was why Fili always slept at Kili’s back and never the other way around. He’d learned quite harshly that if he slept at Kili’s chest he would be hit in the back by an elbow.

Bilbo was almost deadly silent in his sleep. At first it had startled Fili and more than a few times had he actually checked on the hobbit to ensure he was still alive. But now that he was closer to the hobbit, he could hear his soft and relaxed breathing. He saw the other’s shoulders rise and drop as he slept calmly, not plagued by a nightmare anymore.

It was exactly as Fili had imagined the night would have been when Kili announced Bilbo would be sleeping in-between them. All he had imagined more was having Bilbo in his arms, the other’s nose buried in his hair and the other’s breath tickling his neck.

But that had been _before_. 

Before they went to sleep. Before they actually slept. Before Bilbo’s nightmare and their conversation.

Before Fili learned of Ruby. 

Before his conversation with Bilbo about who exactly the hobbit lady was, he had had a feeling he would come to hate her.

He'd been right. Just not for the reasons he'd thought.

He wasn’t sure what truth would have been worse. For he had expected to hear of a pretty hobbit lass with curls that bounced on her shoulders, eyes that shone with laughter and skirts with pretty ribbons. To hear how her laugh made Bilbo feel dizzy and how a touch of her hand could convince the hobbit to do whatever she wanted. To hear of someone who Bilbo loved, who he missed. Someone that Fili could never be.

But instead he heard of a hurt girl with a broken heart. Someone who had been hurt and wanted to hurt in return. Who had shouted cruel words at Bilbo without so much as thinking of anything other than her own shattered pride and broken heart. In the end, Ruby was indeed someone who Fili could never be and he was happy for that.

Yet he was not sure if this was the truth he wanted. For hearing that Bilbo loved another was painful. Hearing that the hobbit thought himself unworthy of love – perhaps even incapable of it! – shattered Fili’s heart.

For how could someone like Bilbo believe love wasn’t meant for him?

It was completely wrong for if someone deserved love it was Bilbo. Innocent, awkward and selfless Bilbo who would give up everything he knew to help a group of rude strangers get their home back. Truly, if there was anyone in the world that deserved to love and be loved it was Bilbo.

Aside from that, the mere idea of Bilbo being unable to love was also entirely untrue. Because how could Bilbo – who worried about every single one of them, fretted over little things and laughed at every joke – be incapable of love? It was something that saddened Fili. For how could Bilbo believe such a thing?

It also hurt the hopeful part of him that thought there was a chance that his feelings were returned. How much hope could he have left, knowing that Bilbo thought it was not even possible to love him?

Nothing, he would have said any other night.

But not now. Not now he had, just a few nights ago, felt what it might be like losing Bilbo. Not when he’d seen a slight desperation – a glimmer of want and need – in Bilbo’s eyes when he said love wasn’t for him.

Not when he _knew_ that Bilbo would be the only one for him.

He could hardly give up without trying. And try he would.

He would show Bilbo that he was capable of love. He _would_ , even if it was the last thing he’d do in his life – and if Bilbo would never love him, it could very well be.

\---

It was a few hours later when the sky started to color in hues of light-blue and orange. The dawn of a new day was starting and Fili had slept a meager few hours. Not only that, but he was restless. He couldn't lie still, twisting and turning as he tried not to think while all he wanted was to lie still and enjoy this moment. For how often could he lie next to a sleeping Bilbo?

But he found no rest and every time he looked at Bilbo - thought of caressing a rosy cheek, burying his nose in soft curls - his heart ached and yearned.

He sighed softly and got up. If he couldn’t sleep any more, why would he torture himself by staying next to Bilbo.

He stretched with a yawn and put on his belt before sliding his fur coat on. He quickly slipped some knives back into their place and watched the camp for a few moments.

Most were still sleeping but on a rock sat Dwalin – with his back to the camp and the pit of ash that was last night’s campfire. He’d had the last guard-shift and while he wasn’t looking at Fili, he was certain Dwalin knew exactly which of the dwarves of their company was currently making his way over to him.

Fili sat down next to Dwalin on the rock, not saying a thing.

For a few moments they sat side by side in comfortable silence. Dwalin was someone that Fili had known all his life. For not only had Dwalin – together with Thorin – taught him everything he knew about fighting, he was also his mother’s and Thorin’s most trusted friend. Dwalin was as much of an uncle to him as Thorin was a father. Not really the real deal but close enough to feel like it could have been.

Really, it was almost like he was having his entire family with him on this journey, which did make it a bit easier. It gave him a sense of home on the road, being surrounded by those he cared for and knew best. 

But where there were good things about having your family around, there were also always bad things. Not bad necessarily, but certainly very annoying. For family knew him best. Family could see the little things he tried to hide. And family had the balls to call him out on it.

Kili, who was both sad and happy that Fili had found his One. Who was convinced that if Fili only tried his feelings would be returned. 

Thorin, who had been very open in his disapproval of Bilbo. Even now after Bilbo had saved his life all Bilbo was good for in Thorin’s eyes was a bit of fun.

At least Dwalin hadn’t commented on the situation.

“Why’re ya up, laddie? Thought ya might’a wanted to stay snuggled up to our burglar.”

Fili sighed and dropped his head down.

At least Dwalin had been _last_ to comment on the situation.

He glanced at Dwalin, who was still staring ahead, and shrugged. “Couldn’t sleep anymore.”

“Why’s that?”

Fili – feeling very much like a youngster being interrogated – shrugged without looking at Dwalin.

Dwalin, however, didn’t need an explanation and shook his head with a laugh. “Thinkin’ of our burglar, fer sure.” He then shook his head, a lewd grin on his lips as he gave Fili some advice. “Shoud jus’ drag him away from camp. No use in bein’ all subtle ‘bout it. No time out here and it ain’t working for ya anyway, is it?”

Fili resisted the urge to throw his head back with a groan. He wasn’t having this conversation. He wasn’t. Especially not with _Dwalin_! “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“”f course ya don’t.” Dwalin huffed. 

“I really _don’t_ want to discuss this with you, Dwalin.”

“Why not?” Dwalin asked with a laugh, shaking his head as he said: “Ya lads were always so keen on sharing yer adventures an’ now ye’re a shy virgin. What’s changed?”

Fili clenched his jaw together, tightly shaking his head. “Nothing.”

Dwalin looked at Fili then, eyebrows drawn together and his lips pulled up in a frown. After a few moments, understanding filled his eyes. He let out a heavy sigh, shaking his head. “I dun’t wanna know, do I?”

Fili swallowed away the lump that had settled in his throat.

Dwalin knew.

Fuck.

“No you don’t.”

Dwalin nodded with a gruff huff, crossing his arms in front of his chest and continuing to scan their surroundings again.

No more words were spoken and after a little while Fili relaxed, shoulders slumping and a sigh passing his lips.

Half an hour later, when the company started to rouse, Fili stood up and stretched. Time to help around and prepare breakfast for everyone.

When he walked away, he was convinced he heard Dwalin mutter: “Thorin’s not gonna be happy.”

He pretended to be deaf, if only for a second.


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally, after this many chapters, the company makes their way to Beorn... 
> 
> I have to admit it got out of hand a bit and in my initial plan the journey from Rivendell to Beorn would only take a few chapters.
> 
> Leaves me to wonder what the rest of the story will be like...
> 
> In any case, enjoy!

Fili was preparing his pack when he was nudged quite roughly in the side. He made an irritated noise, not looking up.

He knew it was Kili. His brother probably wanted answers and was actually rude enough to ask the information from Fili even though it wasn't given freely.

If he was honest, though, Fili couldn't be annoyed. If their roles were reversed he would be doing the same thing.

“What happened?” Kili asked, letting himself fall down onto the ground and watching his brother pack.

“Last night?” Fili asked, even though he knew he was stalling.

“Yeah. You disappeared.” Kili smirked and waggled his eyebrows. “Did you get lucky?”

“Not really.” Fili shook his head, not looking up at his Kili.

Kili frowned. He turned his eyes to Bilbo – who was chatting with Bofur and pointedly not looking at them. He took a breath and turned back to Fili, lips in a thin line and eyes suddenly angry and sad. “Did he say no?”

Fili grimaced. “Not really.”

Kili sighed and rolled his eyes – most likely thinking why he was even bothering to help Fili out if this was how the other was going to be. “Fee, I’m gonna need a bit more than just ‘not really’.”

“Why?” Fili shot back, getting annoyed. “There’s nothing we can do about it anyway.”

“Do about what?” Kili sounded taken aback, worried that his brother got irritated – something which rarely happen for Fili was always the more composed one. Then he remembered a conversation they had had not too long ago. “Is this about the thing that we asked Ori about? It sounded strange enough but it’s gotta be – ”

“He thinks he’s unable to love, Kee.” Fili finally burst, sounding torn. 

"Unable to?" Kili asked, eyes wide and filled with disbelief, like he was hearing news that just couldn't be true. "Bilbo?”

“Yes.” Fili sighed, bringing a hand up to his temple and letting out a long, tired sigh. “A lass with wounded pride and broken heart told him to not love again as he will only upset others. He took it to heart.”

Shocked, Kili asked: “What are you going to do?”

Fili raised his eyes, watching Bilbo for a fleeting moment. Bilbo was laughing with Bofur about something, dimples in his cheeks and a happy twinkle in his eyes. “Show him he’s wrong.” He concluded and turned to Kili with what he wished was conviction but was sadly enough more of a doubtful glimmer of hope. 

Kili nodded encouragingly. He clasped Fili’s shoulder in the palm of his hand and gave his brother a small smile – both brothers opting to ignore the hesitance that wavered through. “You will succeed. I know you will.” He re-assured Fili. Then his smile vanished and he turned his eyes to Bilbo. A serious look fell over his face and his fingers tightened their hold on Fili’s shoulder. “He’s your One. It’s fate.”

Fili nodded, clinging to the words like a string of life.

\---

It was not much later when a discussion – for any conversation between the wizard and the king in exile would turn into a discussion – disturbed the company packing for departure.

At the fireplace they stood, Gandalf frowning darkly down at Thorin and Thorin glaring up at Gandalf. Both looked agitated, annoyed and it left everyone to wonder which of the two would give up and result to raising their voice in an attempt to win a discussion that needn’t be a discussion.

It had happened when Gandalf had told them to seek refuge with the elves and now it happened again.

“You must go.” Gandalf stressed, eyes never leaving Thorin.

Thorin huffed at the words and shook his head, stubbornly crossing his arms in front of his chest. “No, wizard. I must do nothing. Neither did I forget what you did with the elves.” Thorin spat the last word with as much hatred as was expected from him when it came to elves. He then turned his eyes to Gandalf and glared at the wizard. “I will not fall for it again.” He concluded waved his hand east, the direction they were going to. “We will travel onwards.”

Balin, who was standing next to Thorin, looked doubtful, shaking his head just barely at Thorin’s words.

Gandalf, however, openly disagreed. “The person I am taking you to is by no means an elf. He is named Beorn and he is a skin changer. Sometimes he is a huge black bear and others a great, strong black-haired man.”

“That’s all well and good but I have never heard of a skin changer. What is he? Friend or foe?”

“Neither.” Gandalf shook his head. 

Thorin let out a laugh, shaking his head. “You do not even know? I say we keep going, then. I would not lead my company into unnecessary danger.” He stated, voice firm and booking no further argument. 

Not even from Gandalf, it seemed, when Thorin turned around and walked away to his pack with so much as a backwards glance.

“We leave in ten.”

\---

They had been traveling for about an hour when Dwalin spoke up. “We are being followed.”

“Followed? Are you certain?” Thorin questioned. He’d had a feeling himself but had hoped to be wrong. “By whom?!”

“You know who, master dwarf.” Gandalf spoke. He walked at the back with Bilbo and his eyes were hard as they set upon Thorin, who turned at the wizard’s words. “Just as you know that this is not a tracking expedition. ‘Tis a hunt. And it what state do you think your company to be, to dare and expect that _you_ shall be the victor in this?”

The words silenced Thorin. It seemed like his mouth snapped shut and his hands clenched into fists while he considered the words.

For true they were and all knew it.

Even Bilbo.

One didn’t have to be a fighter to understand that if the company – tired, wounded and without supplies of any kind – was found now by the orc hunting-party they would not fare well.

Bilbo himself had hoped for a place where they could at least get a decent night of sleep.  
“This friend of yours… Beorn.” Thorin sounded both angry and resigned – agreeing because he saw he _had_ to, not because he _wanted_ to.

“Yes, as I have told you before his house is nearby. It is the _only_ place where we might seek refuge around here.” Gandalf replied.

Thorin, however the severity of the situation, was skeptical. “And he will not turn away thirteen dwarves, a hobbit and a wizard?”

Gandalf tensed. He seemed to hesitate, turning away and taking a step.

The entire company started to whisper at this very strange behavior for the wizard.

When, however, Gandalf turned back to them and spoke with a seriousness in his voice and a slimmer of dread in his eyes they all understood. “He will help us.” He stated and, before anyone could breathe a sigh of relief, added: “Or he will kill us.”

The entire company was silent for a few seconds, everyone considering the option to turn back and face the orcs.

Although at least with Gandalf’s “friend” they had half the chance of surviving.

“What choice do we have?” Thorin asked, his eyes dark and voice heavy as he watched Gandalf.

“None.”

\---

“We shall go in a few at the time” Gandalf said and the company nodded in understanding. “And for Valar’s sake, be polite.” He let his eye fall on a few of the dwarves that had wrecked the most havock on Bilbo’s smial. “Be polite and do not anger him.”

“He sounds like a lovely chap.” Bofur mumbled and some of the company snickered, although that could also be from nervousness.

They did not know who this Beorn was but Gandalf made him sound almost just as bad as the orc pack hunting them.

“He is.” Gandalf shot back. “Unless you anger him. Which is why I am taking master Baggins with me first. Methinks if I introduce him first Beorn will be quite impressed with not only his manners but also his story-telling.”

“A-ah, are you sure that is the best idea?” Bilbo asked somewhat nervously, looking around the company and actually _hoping_ that one of them would speak up this time, claiming another was better suited for the job. 

He caught Fili’s eyes and for the dwarf, that sealed the deal.

“No, it surely can’t be the best idea.” Fili said, stepping forward. He looked from Bilbo to Gandalf. “Bilbo might be the politest of us all but there is still a change that this Beorn will kill us.”

Gandalf sighed and shook his head. “I would not take Bilbo with me if I wasn’t certain that it would be safe.” He watched Fili for a second longer and then suddenly his lips quirked up in a small smile and his eyes twinkled. “But by all means, join us if you feel the need to do so.”

Bilbo turned hopeful eyes to Fili and it was thus that instead of two, three persons went on their way to pay Beorn a visit.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, guys! Life has been insane the past week and then yesterday there was overtime and, well, just busy...
> 
> But here's the chapter nonetheless! Let me tell you, I didn't plan on re-writing this scene. I remember telling a friend I'd do a "quick recap of it" but here it is, re-written completely. So I hope everyone likes my movie/book combination (sort of)!

As Gandalf guided them to Beorn's house, Bilbo nervously wrenched his hands together.

"Don't worry." Fili whispered next to him, giving him a re-assuring smile. "It will be fine."

_I will protect you_

Bilbo felt his cheeks heat up a bit at the comment and nodded with a softy muttered "okay". He wasn’t sure what they would find inside that house, but Fili’s words made him feel at least a bit more assured.

That’s when he heard the buzzing.

He frowned and looked around, confused as the buzzing got closer and closer yet not from the direction they were walking into.

It sounded a bit like a –

“W-what are those?!” He cried and pointed a finger at a… bee. But a bee the size of a potato.

He inched back – into Fili – with wide eyes. He was filled with wonder at the animals but also quite scared. If one of these stung him…

“They’re huge.” Fili said, sounding very stunned.

Gandalf, though, merely chuckled – which both Fili and Bilbo didn’t think strange for the bees weren’t the size of his thumb at the least. “They are bees, as you might have guessed. But you needn’t worry. There will be a lot of animals here that might seem strange to you but none will mean you any harm. ‘T is a peaceful place.”

Fili snorted softly. “Unless someone feels like killing us.”

Gandalf chuckled - it sounded nervous and uncertain - and continued to lead the way.

Bilbo looked around in wonder as they walked, feeling a sense of comfort. He started to feel better about Beorn just by looking at the surroundings the man lived in. The patches of grass, trees and flowers might seem like a wild bunch but this wasn’t how flowers grew. It wasn’t a garden that was well taken care of, but it was a garden nonetheless. And how bad could someone with a garden be?

 

Suddenly two ponies passed them by, their hooves clattering against the ground as they seemed to merrily make their way to the gate.

"He has ponies?" Fili wondered aloud. "That's convenient."

Gandalf shook his head. “The animals under Beorn’s care are not like what you’re used to. I wouldn’t dare to assume those are ponies we can easily borrow.” 

The comment made both Bilbo and Fili frown.

Fili thinking that there must be a way to get a few ponies – in perhaps less honorable ways if not given freely.

Bilbo was wondering what Gandalf had meant with ‘not like what you’re used to’. It sounded quite strange and he wasn’t completely comfortable with that. Wasn’t a shape-shifter that might or might not kill them enough? Did strange, unusual animals really need to be part of the mix as well?

He shot a wary glance in Gandalf’s direction but he received no comfort.

 

Luckily he didn’t need to wait for long to settle the curious yet slightly dreadful feeling that was settling in the pit of his stomach.

They reached the gate that the ponies had disappeared through. Looking through the opening, Bilbo could see a courtyard. Different from that in Imladris for here there were no beautifully paved paths and buildings that seemed to be made completely out of elegant arches and curves and where the light fell onto the white walls in a way that made the entire place seem like a dream. Instead there was a courtyard – a man standing in the middle of it but Bilbo was pointedly not looking at him – like any farm would have. Trampled grass and bald patches of ground with low buildings surrounding it. They were all made from thick wood and just generally big and it was obvious that while there were many stables and sheds the low building behind the man was a house. Quite cozy, Bilbo thought, with a veranda with a wooden bench and nice puffs of smoke rising up from the chimney on the roof.

What didn’t look cozy, Bilbo thought nervously, was their host.

Beorn was tall – reaching higher than Gandalf’s hat, he was sure! – and for Bilbo it wasn’t hard to see how this man could turn into a big bear. His muscled body, his spiky hair and thick black beard all screamed bear.

But the fact the man looked like a bear wasn’t what frightened Bilbo and made him take a step back – hiding a bit behind Fili’s much broader frame.

No.

It was the axe – as tall as Thorin, he assumed – the man was holding, thick fingers gripping it tightly as he watched the three of them enter the courtyard with narrowed eyes.

When they were a few steps closer, Beorn started laughing. He turned his head to the ponies – standing next to him, scraping their hooves on the ground – and looked amused. “Thanks for the warning, but they don’t look dangerous!” He joked although his eyes did stray to them for a second.

Bilbo could see them settle on Fili, but Beorn was looking at the ponies again before he could be certain he’d seen it correctly. 

“Off you go.” He told the ponies with a wave and put his axe down onto the ground before taking a few big steps towards Gandalf, Bilbo and Fili. “Such a diverse company.” He stated as he looked over the three. His eyes passed Bilbo with amusement but when they rested on Fili for a second his lips twitched unhappily. 

Fili saw it, too, and Bilbo had a hand on Fili’s elbow at the same time the other attempted to step forward.

“Don’t.” Bilbo whispered. He didn’t know what Fili was about to do, but he was certain that it was best _not_ to do it. This Beorn seemed quite… fickle.

Beorn clacked his tongue and turned his sharp eyes to Gandalf. “What do you want?” He demanded.

Gandalf put a smile on his face and in the way only he could started to spin his tale of a traveling company, off to visit kin, attacked by goblins.

\---

They sat on the veranda, on wooden benches and Bilbo was safely squeezed between Gandalf and Fili. 

Gandalf told his story and Bilbo was quite amused to find that Beorn wasn’t half as frightening as he had initially thought.

The man was gruff, perhaps, but seemed to enjoy a good story and would get excited, angry and amused quite easily.

As Gandalf talked, Bilbo got bit distracted by the garden. It wasn’t as neat as a hobbit garden, by far! But it had a lot of flowers and he found himself intrigued for there was a big number of flowers he’d never seen before. Some he recognized from books but others were strange and completely new to him.

He didn’t notice that he wasn’t listening anymore until he felt a jab in his side. 

He startled slightly and looked around only to find Fili giving him a rather amused look. He smiled sheepishly and shrugged. 

He would always be a hobbit.

He was paying attention just in time, though, to hear Gandalf say that he was traveling with “two or three companions.”

“Three? What happened to the third one then, as I only see one.” Beorn asked.

Gandalf shrugged. “Well to tell you the truth, I did not like to bother you with a lot of us, until I found out if you were busy. I will give a call, if I may.”

Beorn nodded, looking curious. “Go on, call away!”

That’s when Gandalf whistled, and it didn’t take long before Thorin and Dori rounded the corner and appeared in front of them.

They bowed deeply, introducing themselves politely. 

Bilbo couldn’t help but think that Thorin was now a lot more polite then he’d been at his place, but of course he didn’t comment.

Beorn, though, frowned. “More dwarves?” He wondered out loud. “And Thorin, son of Thrain at that.” He seemed to think for a moment before waving his hand at the bench on his other side. “Well, you are quite respectable and the story your companion is telling me is intriguing enough. Have a seat and tell me of your business later. For now, don’t interrupt us!” 

And like that, Thorin – sending a wary glance at Beorn – and Dori sat down and Gandalf continued on.

“So you can imagine what a situation we were in! Not only had we fallen straight into the trap of the goblins, but we’d also lost our troop of ponies which –”

“Troop?” Beorn asked with a huffed laugh. He gave Gandalf an amused look and asked: “You call five ponies a troop?”

“No, oh no!” Gandalf laughed and shook his head. “Not in the least. You see, there are more ponies for there are more of us.”

Just at that moment, Balin and Dwalin rounded the corner.

They, too, bowed deeply and introduced themselves. But this time, Beorn did not wave their presence off and ask for continuation of the story.

“Again, more dwarves.” He frowned. His eyes, now not so amused anymore, turned to Gandalf. “What is going on here?” He demanded and looked around. “How many more of these are you hiding, Gandalf?”


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for no update last week, guys! I've been super busy and I just didn't have the chapter ready... But here's this week's chapter, hope you all like it.
> 
> I also started planning another fic which might or might not (it will) be massive. It's a story of the origin of hobbits and I'm very excited with what I came up with! Now the idea is going to the drawing board and I'll hopefully have something like an actual plot to write rather than just history and I'm good to go...
> 
> And a small note... Next week I'll either update late or not at all. It's Easter weekend and I'm leaving Thursday evening to go to France until Monday evening with the family.

An awkward silence fell over the company. Everyone looked at Gandalf with shifty eyes.

Gandalf, for the first time ever since Bilbo had known him, looked perhaps a bit nervous. “Ah, well you see… There are a few more. Quite a few, perhaps.”

“Come on then, out with it!” Beorn growled impatiently in reply.

For a moment, Gandalf looked like he thought his plan was going to fail.

It most certainly did look like that at that moment.

Then, he seemed to shake any doubt off and continued with an air of confidence only Gandalf had. “There are fourteen of us. The others are waiting. I shall have someone get them.” He said and turned to look at Ori. “Ori, lad, can you get them?”

Ori nodded. He glanced at Beorn and when he turned and quickly left Bilbo could clearly see the relief in his eyes. 

Very understandable, he thought. In fact, he wouldn’t have been too upset if Gandalf had asked him to fetch the rest of the company. But at least he felt quite safe in-between Fili and Gandalf. Very nice, considering Beorn was glaring at Gandalf suspiciously.

“And what does a group of fourteen seek in these surroundings?” Beorn demanded, watching Ori leave.

Gandalf nodded with a soft hum. “As I explained, we are on the way to the Iron Hills to visit family.”

Beorn raised an eyebrow at the answer, suspicious. “While being chased by goblins?” 

“And orcs.” Thorin huffed from next to Beorn.

A few shocked gasps go around the company and more than just Bilbo turn wide, shocked eyes to Thorin. Fool! Bilbo thinks, hoping that this wouldn’t ruin things. They were going downhill already and with the obvious distaste Beorn had for dwarves, this would probably only make it worse!

And indeed, Beorn turned his dark frown towards Thorin. “Orcs?” He questioned and let his eyes linger over his garden. He heaved a heavy sigh. “I’m not surprised. The lands are getting darker and more filled with evil each passing day.” He turned back to Thorin then, melancholy gone and replaced by the dark frown again. “Yet one can wonder why they are chasing you.”

That was when the rest of the company arrived. 

Bilbo drew a shaky breath when he heard their heavy footfalls against the ground, thanking the dwarves for their timing.

The rest of their group all but stumbled onto the veranda and stood awkwardly next to each other in front of Beorn. It was like they weren’t sure if they were expected to introduce themselves or not.

Then, though, Bofur nodded his head. “Bofur, at yer service.”

The rest was about to follow suit when Beorn raised a hand. “I don’t need your services.” He cut everyone off rudely. He then turned to look at Gandalf. “You claim you have heard of me but I am not sure. For you bring a troop of dwarves to my doorstep and it is known that I don’t like dwarves. They’re greedy and blind. Blind to the lives of those they deem lesser than their own.” He said, letting his eyes glide over the dwarves as he spoke.

Most of them mumbled, agitated and insulted. But Beorn looked fierce when agitated, eyes almost burning so no-one truly stood up. Most likely no-one did either because they needed his help, his shelter.

 _If looks could kill, though._ Bilbo thought and he was not the only one.

Next to him, Fili had one of his hands clenched into a fist – youthful anger and a sense of honor to defend himself and his kin almost overtaking him, most likely.

Thorin, however, looked less composed. In fact, he looked absolutely murderous. Most likely he had images of their stay in Rivendell flash through his mind, rightfully so thinking that yet again Gandalf had led them into the home of someone who would do nothing but dislike them.

Knowing his story, Bilbo couldn’t help but feel bad for the dwarf. Not being wanted in a place – being told his entire kind was greedy and valued that over the lives of others – was harsh and Bilbo felt angry, too. For in the past few weeks he hadn’t seen these dwarves as greedy. It was true that in the beginning no-one seemed to care much about _him_ but that did not warrant the harsh words Beorn spoke.

Beorn sighed and his expression became a bit darker, eyes narrowing and voice full with anger when he claimed: “But orcs I hate more.” He looked at Gandalf and asked: “What do you need?”

\---

After they explained what they needed – a place to rest for a few nights, a bath for all of them and supplies for the next part of their journey – Beorn seemed to calm some.

He was explained the group was being followed by a pack of orcs. This fact seemed to worry Beorn, who got a frown on his face which didn’t leave throughout the remainder of their conversation.

It worried Bilbo, to see the large man so worried and that feeling remained even after they were shown the large room that would be their bedroom for the next few nights.

There were a few grunts, some of the company stating they would have preferred a room to themselves.

Even Thorin looked ready to agree with that.

Bilbo merely huffed at the comments, shaking his head in disdain. “Bit ungrateful, don’t you think?” He mumbled softly, more to himself than to anyone else.

Or so he thought.

“Ungrateful?” A soft voice suddenly questioned.

Bilbo jumped – almost dropping his pack – and turned around to find Dwalin standing behind him.

The big dwarf was looking at him with a frown, clearly disagreeing with Bilbo. “There’s ‘nough rooms. We checked.” He continued with a huff. and shook his head. When Bilbo looked like he was about to protest - for what made the dwarves think it was polite to sneak around someone else's house after showing up uninvited! - he stated: “We have to be aware of our surroundings so me 'an Nori had a look 'round.”

Bilbo couldn’t keep a slightly undignified huff from passing his lips. It seemed like the dwarves hadn’t been intentionally rude in Bag End and Rivendell. He should’ve known, even though knowing they hadn’t intentionally thrashed his place was a bit of a relief.

But hearing this, though, felt different to Bilbo then what they’d done in Rivendell. For lord Elrond wouldn’t kill them if he got angry. He’d look disappointed and perhaps berate them – what were they, really? Children? – but he was kind and peaceful. Whereas Beorn…

Bilbo shuddered.

He raised his eyes and glanced at Dwalin, pointing out: “We should be happy he’s letting us stay, not complain about separate rooms.”

Huffing, Dwalin shook his head. “Maybe, but some of us might wish to have some… privacy when they can.” Dwalin said, eyes hard as steel and obviously trying painfully hard to make it sound casual and like a little thing. From the way one of the muscles in his hands clenched and the edges of his lips twitched as he pointedly didn't look towards where Ori sat, it wasn't really working. 

Bilbo frowned. He understood the families would want privacy where they could get it but surely they could just claim a corner and be done with it. “And who would that…” Bilbo started to question but trailed off after only just starting. 

“Oh.” He mumbled.

Dwalin had been looking at Ori, hadn’t he?

His eyes widened slightly before they narrowed slightly, smirk coming to his lips. “ _Oooh_. Really?”

“Something wrong with that, burglar?” Dwalin demanded, eyes narrowing and voice dangerously low – and Bilbo was quite certain if he did think something was wrong with it he would be killed.

Good for him, then, that he was just happy for the fact Dwalin and Ori were happy – or so he assumed. And if that was with each other, who was he to object? Especially since he’d found himself charmed by none other than Fili – even though he shouldn’t, for it would lead to nothing.

All but feeling Dwalin’s glare intensify, Bilbo quickly shook his head. He raised his hands – little protection they would do were Dwalin to charge but the idea was there nonetheless – and said: “No, oh no not at all. Just hadn’t noticed before and, well…” He shot a cautious glance around the room and then with a more hushed voice asked: “Do his brothers know?”

For a moment, Dwalin hesitated. “Not both.”

Bilbo blinked, wheels in his head turning and then his eyes widened and he gasped softly. He resisted the urge to giggle, especially so when Gloin walked by. “So checking our surroundings with Nori, how did it go? Are we… safe?”

Dwalin let out a laugh – it didn’t quite reach his eyes, his lips twitched uncomfortably but it sounded like Dwalin would normally sound. “Aye burglar, we’re safe. As long as it’s jus’ looking an’ we don’t touch anything that’s not ours, we’re fine.”

Bilbo felt sad at the words, especially so when he noticed that Dwalin was avidly keeping his eyes fixed on him rather than Ori. 

“No need to look so sad.” Dwalin said and his lips turned up in a small smirk. He clasped Bilbo’s shoulder – softly now that he’d learned if he did it full strength the hobbit would topple over. “Jus’ gotta win his trust so we can touch, don’t cha think?”

“Yes, yes very true.” Bilbo nodded and hoped that he didn’t have a huge blush staining his cheeks. He did _not_ need to hear this, really. 

“Good.” Dwalin grinned, patted Bilbo’s shoulder one last time and with a “ye’re a good one, burglar” walked off right before Bilbo was all but tackled to the ground by Kili.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys for not updating last week! I was in France and returned Monday and life just got crazy.
> 
> So hope everyone likes this chapter! If, by the way, anyone has something they'd love to see or suggestions for future chapters let me know! I'd love to hear them and see if I can write them into the story <3

Bilbo let out a yelp and stumbled forward – almost toppling over, too! – when Kili hit his back.

“Bilbo!” The young dwarf happily cried and turned a still unsteady Bilbo around to face him. Kili was grinning from ear to ear, something which Bilbo felt didn’t mean anything good. “What are you standing here for?”

“Just looking for a place to sleep.” Bilbo said easily. It wasn’t really a lie. It had been what he’d come to do before being interrupted by Dwalin, after all.

Kili laughed. “Well then I have good news for you.” He then swung an arm around Bilbo’s shoulder and turned the other around. With a wave of his other arm he showed Bilbo the spot the brothers had claimed for the night. Against the back wall of the large room – near the corner Thorin had claimed but at least a few feet away – the brothers had put their sleeping rolls. It looked awfully comfortable, hay underneath their sleeping bags, blankets normally used to keep them warm now rolled up as soft pillows.

That was when he saw the third sleeping bag.

Bilbo couldn’t help but huff. “Let me guess. I don’t need one.”

“Exactly!” Kili exclaimed and started walking Bilbo over to their beds. “You’re sharing with us.”

Bilbo had to admit he felt a bit uncomfortable at the idea. The last time it hadn’t gone that well, considering he’d ended up crying for Ruby in his sleep. He shuddered, the conversation with Fili still fresh in his mind. It had been a conversation he’d probably remember for the rest of his life. Because for the first time since his younger days he’d felt like justifying himself, his actions, his beliefs. It had been strange but he guessed that as Fili was turning his world upside down stone by little stone he could handle questioning himself as flawlessly as he did the other things as well. 

Yet he still felt nervous and out of sorts to be sharing such close sleeping-quarters with Fili. What if he had a nightmare again? What if he dreamt of something else more… inappropriate?

But Kili looked very excited, Fili was watching them with an amused grin too and the beds just looked so awfully comfortable.

Bilbo couldn’t say no, no matter how afraid he was of this backfiring on him.

“I don’t have much of a say in this, do I?” He asked jokingly – not in any way trying to find a small way to get himself out of this situation.

Kili chuckled. “Not at all.” He said and led Bilbo over to the beds. When they stood in front of them, the dwarf patted Bilbo on the shoulder. “I’ll go see if there’s food.”

Bilbo agreed eagerly and quickly. “Yeah that’d be nice.” He grinned. He was starving.

Watching Kili go, he decided to not let himself feel awkward. He hadn’t earlier when he was walking next to Fili so why would he be now? So he let himself drop down onto the bed with his pack on it. He sighed at the feeling of the bed. “This is perfection.”

Next to him, sitting on his own bed and cleaning one of his knives, Fili chuckled. “Isn’t it just?” He then nodded his head towards Dwalin, casual expression making way for a frown. “What were you speaking off with Dwalin?”

Bilbo felt taken aback by the sudden question. His eyes snapped up to Fili and for a moment he felt compelled to tell the other due to the curious, heavy frown on Fili’s brow. But it wasn’t his place to tell and he wasn’t the kind of hobbit to participate in idle gossip. So he fidgeted with the edge of his coat – or what was left of it, at least – and shook his head. “Nothing.”

Fili didn't look convinced. He glanced towards Dwalin warily but then seemed to decide to let it go. He sighed in resignation and turned back to Bilbo with a small shrug. "Okay, well if we can help with anything."

Bilbo gave Fili a nervous smile. He had a feeling that if he told the brothers of the situation all they would do was mess it up, regardless of their ever genuine intentions. Luck just never seemed to be on their side whenever they would execute a plan. "I'll let you know." He promised with a nod. Then he added: "So I see you decided I'd be sleeping with you two."

Fili smiled which turned into a small grin when Bilbo’s eyes settled upon him. "You seemed to enjoy it fine enough last time." He explained.

Bilbo had to admit, he felt startled by the choice of words. He’d seemed to enjoy it just fine last time? That didn’t sound like something someone would say when talking about a night of sleep on the cold ground under a thin blanket. Instead, it sounded a lot more like…

He shook his head, forcing down a blush. “Well, that’s… I mean, uhm –”

Fili chuckled, interrupting Bilbo’s stuttering fall of words. “I’m just teasing.” He said, amusement in his eyes and a grin on his lips. 

Now Bilbo did flush. Of course he was being teased. And wasn’t that a good thing? Why did he want Fili to be honest in saying he felt Bilbo had enjoyed himself last time anyway? For he didn’t, because it would insinuate feelings from his side that weren’t real and would never be.

He startled slightly when suddenly he felt a hand settle upon his shoulder.

Fili was looking at him with a small, genuine smile and a soft gleam in his eyes. “Although I’m completely serious when I say I do hope that you did at least find it comfortable. I know Kili and I did.” He nodded almost encouragingly and gave Bilbo’s shoulder a squeeze. “You do realize we’ve come to care about you, right?”

Bilbo blinked, feeling close to stupefied. Where was this suddenly coming from? It wasn’t that he minded. In fact, the mere fact that Fili mentioned caring about him – and of course, Kili did too – made his flutter in almost undesirable ways. But it did leave him to wonder why. Fili hadn’t shown himself to be the kind of individual to speak so openly of his feelings nor did Bilbo ever hear him express such feelings of care towards anyone else – not even Kili and Thorin. 

“I- uh, I do.” Bilbo managed eventually.

“Good.” Fili almost beamed. On the same cheerful note he continued: “After our conversation I wasn’t sure if you realized how much you’re worth.”

“How much I’m…?” Bilbo’s frown deepened. For some reason he got a bad feeling about this and where it was going. Not wanting to get himself into trouble – for what else would this conversation lead to? – he asked: “Fili, what are you doing?”

Fili’s expression fell and disappointment was quickly masked by a carefully schooled smile. “Nothing.” He shook his head, voice sounding slightly strained and smile tight. Then, he sighed. “Sorry, I’m just a bit tired and weary. You’ll have to excuse me, I think some fresh air will be good.”

And before Bilbo could get a word in edgewise Fili had gotten up and walked off, leaving Bilbo behind to gaze after him, confused and not sure if he felt hurt or not.

\---

Fili claimed to need some fresh air but in truth he was fleeing from Bilbo.

He made his way to the front door through the large room, shaking his head when he caught his brother’s eyes. _Don’t follow me, I will be fine._

Or rather, he didn’t know if he would be fine yet he needed to be alone to figure that out.

The moment he stepped outside onto the veranda he quickened his pace, hurrying towards the garden that lay opposite of the house and disappearing through a small opening in the bushes while scolding himself mentally.

 

_Showing you I care._

How hard was it to say those words? Damn him, he’d had the perfect opening and even then he managed to mess things up! How was he going to show Bilbo that he cared, that the hobbit was loved if he couldn’t even tell him such an easy thing?

It also left him to wonder why exactly he’d panicked – for surely that was what it had been. Was it fear of being honest and sharing his feelings or was it a pending rejection that had made him feeling like a dwarfling caught stealing candies?

 

“What was that ‘bout?”

Fili startled – he _didn’t_ jump- and turned around. For a fleeting moment he thought it might be Kili having ignored him even though he’d been quite clear that he wanted to be alone. But the voice was off to begin with and when he’d turned he saw Bofur standing a few feet away from him.

The dwarf had a small frown on his face and watched Fili curiously, arms crossed in front of his chest.

Fili resisted the urge to sigh and roll his eyes. “Bofur, hello. Taking a walk through the garden?” He greeted, ignoring the question asked. Bofur might be Bilbo’s friend, but he had no business asking Fili what was going on. He could go and ask Bilbo instead.

Bofur shrugged, an easy smile coming to his lips in a way that only Bofur could do. “Same as you, I guess.” He answered and gave the garden a look around. “’m not one for gardens but ‘m curious to see what’s here. Bilbo says there’s lots of green he’s never seen before.” He then chuckled. “And we all know that if a hobbit ain’t seen it around, it’s a strange sort indeed.”

Fili couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re right about that.”

Bofur nodded with a small smile. “Indeed. Let’s go, then. We might bring him back a few, I’m sure it’ll cheer him up.”

The fact that Bilbo needed cheering up and Bofur came to Fili with it made Fili uneasy. It also made him very much aware that this conversation was far from over, no matter if he wished for it to be or not.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this plot-twist wasn't planned. It completely wrote itself into the story!
> 
> Let's see where it takes my two lovelies XD

“So, what happened?” Bofur asked after Fili and him had walked for just a few seconds. He had his hands shoved into his pockets and the look he gave Fili was more curious than hostile.

Fili sighed. He knew the question would be coming but for some reason he’d hoped that Bofur would’ve at least waited a little longer. At least then Fili would have had some time to come up with an excuse.

“Nothing, nothing.” He shook his head, trying a small smile but knowing that he failed miserably. From the other’s tone and stance it was obvious that he didn’t mean _bad_ but Fili still felt awkward.

Bofur, though, laughed and with a wink asked: “Ya sure it’s got nothing ta do with yer crush?”

“W-what?” Fili cried, stopping in his tracks and looking at Bofur in shock, eyes wide.  
Thorin, Dwalin and now Bofur?

Was he really _that_ obvious?

_Does that mean Bilbo knows too?_ An uncertain part of his mind asked. For if Bilbo knew and yet didn’t mention it to him, that would be bad. Although he of course already knew that his feelings weren’t returned. Then again, knowing something and actually admitting it to oneself were two different things.

The sound of Bofur’s laugh stirred him from his thoughts.

Bofur was looking at him with an amused twinkle in his eyes and a grin so wide his moustache was curled up too. “So that’s it?” He asked and shook his head with another laugh. “I was jus’ guessing. Bilbo never said a thing, jus’ so ya know.”

For a few moments Fili looked stunned. Then, he sighed and rubbed a hand down his face. “Good guess.”

“Yeah…” Bofur said, sounding slightly unsure all of a sudden like he didn’t know what to say now.

“It doesn’t change the answer.” Fili shrugged.

Bofur frowned. “Then why did Bilbo look so confused? And hurt?” He didn’t sound angry – on Bilbo’s behalf – merely confused.

Fili frowned too. “Hurt?” He asked softly, heart skipping a treacherous beat that felt a lot like betrayal. How was Bilbo hurt?

“Yeah.” Bofur nodded and gave Fili a compassionate smile. “Not sure what you were trying to say. But I’ve learned that hobbits don’t take subtlety well. Ya gotta be direct if you want them to understand.”

While he appreciated the advise, Fili still couldn’t help but sigh in resignation. “There is no use in being direct if you already know the answer.”

“Ya sure ‘bout that?” Bofur asked, looking slightly amused. “Guess ya won’t see it yerself. But he obviously looks at ya more fondly then he does fer anyone else.”

Fili couldn’t help it. He laughed. “Right.”

Bofur’s amusement made way for a small glimmer of sadness. “He does.” He pointed out but shook his head with a sigh. “Let’s continue walking, aye? We still need flowers ya can give him.” He said with a grin.

Fili wasn’t sure if he was relieved that Bofur didn’t question any more or not. He was sure, though, that he’d just made a new friend. One that was trying to set him up with Bilbo, that much he knew.

\---

Half an hour later they found at least three flowers that they decided were pretty so probably to Bilbo’s liking. They also found at least one poisonous plant, judging by the blisters on Fili’s hands and wrists.

At first they didn’t pay it any mind. They merely dropped the offending plant and went on their way. 

After a while, though, it started to itch and Fili had a hard time trying not to scratch. He tried not to think about it too much and instead kept talking to Bofur, who was actually not that bad to be around.

“Look at that one!” Bofur laughed when they came upon a pink flower.

Fili chuckled. “He’ll love that one.” He joked.

“For sure.” Bofur smirked.

Fili caught Bofur’s eyes and the two snickered, both imagining Bilbo’s masked horror at the pink flower.

“You pick it.” He told Bofur. “I’m done with picking flowers.” He said, holding up his hands.

Bofur flinched and then frowned. “Looks painful.”

Fili shrugged, waving the other’s concern away. “It itches more than anything else, really.” He glanced at his hands. “I’ll have Oin look at it after we give Bilbo the flowers.”

Bofur nodded. “Good idea.” He said and then turned to pick the flower. “Ya wanna head back now?”

“Sure.” Fili nodded. “Four should be enough to cheer him up. If not he can get them himself. I think I’ve picked enough flowers to last me a life-time.” He shook his head with a laugh. “We might be cheering him up but we better give them to him when no-one’s looking else we’ll be a laughing stock.”

Bofur chuckled and with four flowers now gathered they started looking for their way back. “We?” He asked Fili with a grin. “You’ll be giving him the flowers.”

“What?” Fili blinked. “But you helped.”

“I did. And if you stay out on the porch I’ll even send Bilbo there _and_ go look ‘round for something for your hands. How does that sound?” He asked with a sly expression.

Fili shook his head with a small smile. “I don’t have much of a choice, do I?”

Bofur beamed. “No.”

 

When they reached the edge of the garden Bofur pushed the flowers into Fili’s hands.

“Here ya go, four flowers.” He said and then wondered: “Do you think we took ones he doesn’t know?”

“I don’t know.” Fili shrugged.

_I hope so_. Fili thought. For if they were flowers Bilbo knew they had a meaning. Since Fili didn’t have a clue what flowers meant and he still remembered last time – a daisy – he hoped they were a weird, new sort.

They climbed – for with steps this big and high it was more than ascending – the veranda and there Bofur pointed to a bench. “You wait there I’ll get Bilbo.” He said and without waiting for an answer rushed inside.

Fili obediently sat down on the bench and awkwardly waiting for Bilbo.

He was an idiot.

\---

“Hey.”

Fili immediately looked to his left, where Bilbo emerged from the house.

Bilbo looked slightly nervous yet more confused.

The moment he saw Bilbo, Fili had a sinking feeling in his stomach, a sudden thunder in his head and heart beating rapidly.

_Idiot indeed_ , his mind supplied as all he could think in slight panic was that he didn’t know what giving flowers meant to a hobbit. All he had been worried about for a few short seconds – nothing to be done about it anyway – was what the flowers could mean. But what did giving them in the first place mean?

The fact that when Bilbo caught sight of the flowers he frowned with a very pretty blush on his cheeks didn’t do anything to ease Fili’s thoughts.

“What’s going on?” Bilbo asked, voice slightly nervous and his eyes on the flowers in Fili’s hand as he said: “Bofur said you had something for me.”

“Yeah,” Fili nodded dumbly, trying to think of something – anything – to say. He realized, though, that the situation was probably as bad as it was going to get with him waiting outside for Bilbo with some hand-picked flowers. Probably he would now be showing the other he was interested in him or something like that. But wasn’t that good, instead of bad? Wasn’t that what he wanted and didn’t have the guts to do?

_I want to show you I care._

His heart ached at the words, at the nervous look on Bilbo’s face and at the flicker of hope within his own heart at the blush on the other’s cheeks. He was either very foolish or very brave. While he tried to make himself believe it was bravery that made him still wish for Bilbo to know he cared he knew it was foolishness. Yet love made fools out of the best warriors, so Fili thought it couldn’t that bad. As long as Bilbo didn’t outright reject him, which was something he didn’t even dare to think about.

It was then, though, that Fili realized Bilbo was standing in front of him and waiting for an answer. He slid off of the bench and stood in front of the other a bit awkwardly, raising his hand and holding out the flowers for Bilbo. 

He was about to speak, explain what they were for – make a fool out of himself, too – but Bilbo beat him to it.

“Fili, is that…?” He started, sounding nervous and excited and a bit frightful. It was a strange combination of emotions packed into his voice and expression. Bilbo didn’t finish his sentence, though. He shook his head with a small laugh and said: “No, it can’t be.”

Fili frowned. The excitement that had crossed Bilbo’s face made him happy, but the fear? It made him feel cold and wary. _What_ was he offering Bilbo?

“Can’t be what?” He asked softly, nervously and part of him didn’t really want to know.

“Is this…” Bilbo hesitated and then frowned at Fili, voice a shaky whisper as he asked: “Are you asking to court me?”

Fili’s eyes widened and the world seemed to stop for a moment. He didn’t even know how he felt right now.

A fool he was, indeed, for thinking things couldn’t get worse.

_This_ was definitely worse.


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for this! But I swear this IS leading to something. I have it all in my head and pinky promise they're not going back to walking in circles again after this. Really, I DO have something in mind that will make them actually go forward.

Fili stared at Bilbo with wide eyes.

_Are you asking to court me?_

He took a breath, slightly unsteady. His heart was beating so loud it was like thunder in his head and lightning was setting the rest of his body on fire. His fingers, clenched around the flowers, tingled.

He felt frozen in time and he was quite certain he’d never felt so torn before.

He wanted to court Bilbo. Oh how he did! Bilbo was his One and he would have nothing more than to court him and be able to spend the rest of his life together with the hobbit. 

But that was what he wanted.

What would happen, really, if he said yes? If he admitted that courting Bilbo was his intention. 

Bilbo wouldn’t say yes, he knew that much. Or at least, not because he truly loved Fili. So either he would be rejected or he would be accepted but with the knowledge that Bilbo didn’t love him. It would end in either a painful rejection he didn’t know how he would take or a courtship where one was in love but where the other most likely only felt pity.

Then there was also Thorin.

His uncle had said he could sleep with Bilbo but he was quite sure that if his uncle ever found out that he was courting Bilbo… 

It wouldn’t be good. 

He would lose his uncle – for Thorin’s pride and stubbornness would most likely rip a rift between the two of them – and most definitely a friend.

Courting Bilbo would be a dream come true, a start on the road to his happiness.

But seeing the fear in Bilbo’s eyes, knowing that a yes would most likely hurt the both of them and realizing that instead of forcing his feelings on Bilbo it was better to take it slow and gentle, he made his decision.

 

He laughed awkwardly – and if it sounded as painful as it felt, who could blame him? – and put on his best surprised expression. He shook his head, with a huff of forced laughter asking: “Hobbits ask with a bunch of flowers?”

He hated how offensive it sounded, wanted to take the words back straight away because they sounded… not like a yes.

Bilbo raised an eyebrow and for a second – that felt like an eternity – watched Fili closely. He saw something, Fili was sure, for his expression changed, from curiosity to a softer expression tinged with sadness. “Yes.” He said with a nod. “When you want to court someone you offer them a bouquet.”

“Oh, I didn’t know.” Fili said quickly, shaking his head. It was true. He hadn’t known exactly what he’d been offering. But he felt hesitant, still. Unsure if what he was doing was the right thing. His heart said it wasn’t but his head said it was. He’d always listened to his head and hadn’t things always turned out all right? Wasn’t that the best thing to do? 

Head over heart.

He swallowed and, in an attempt to convince himself that this was the right thing, said: “That wasn’t the intention… not really.”

_That_ was also the truth, even though right now he hated it.

\---

Fili was lying.

Bilbo could see it in the way Fili’s lips turned down a bit and how he wouldn’t actually look at him when he spoke. 

It hurt to know he was being lied to but it also made him wonder what exactly Fili was lying about.

Did he know about the meaning of a bouquet? Did he actually mean to ask to court Bilbo? Was he himself merely seeing too much in all of this and creating a scene that wasn’t really there?

It were all quite daunting questions with answers that could possibly change everything. It were questions that Bilbo both wanted and didn’t want an answer to.

Questions he would ask himself, but later.

Not now that Fili was standing in front of him, painting a picture of unawareness.

He knew that he could put an end to this with just a few words. But instead, he let Fili lie.

He was sure that he would regret it for the rest of his life.

 

He shrugged, a half smile on his lips. “Of course you didn’t.” He said easily. He tried to ignore the small voice in the back of his mind asking whether or not that was true. 

He really did.

But in the end curiosity got the best of him. “So uhm, why did you get me flowers exactly?” For it not for courtship, what other reason did Fili have to get him flowers? Certainly considering dwarves did not care for them and Fili knew how much they meant to hobbits.

Fili looked slightly taken aback by the question. But after a moment he shrugged and smiled sheepishly. “Well, we uh… Bofur said you looked a bit sad so we decided to get you some flowers. Not sure if we managed to get you ones you don’t know.”

Bilbo frowned. So Bofur had been in on this? But when he had come inside he’d said that Fili was waiting outside with a gift for him. So what exactly was Bofur playing at? He’d definitely have to ask the other. Considering Bofur had been picking the flowers with Fili, there were probably a few more questions he’d like to ask his friend.

Now, though, he was for the first time paying any real attention to the kinds of flowers that Fili was holding. He’d seen them before, of course, but hadn’t really paid attention to what kind of flowers they were. Now he could quickly see that they were all flowers that didn’t grow in hobbiton. “You did well, then.” Bilbo chuckled. “They’re all kinds I’ve never seen before. I’ll need to ask Beorn what –” Bilbo broke off abruptly when he saw the blisters on the other’s hands. “Fili, your hands! What happened? Does it hurt?” He immediately reached out one of his hands, fingers hovering just barely over Fili’s skin. “Oh, I should get Oin!” He exclaimed with a worried frown.

What on earth had Fili done?

“No!” Fili shook his head, a panicked expression on his face. He looked Bilbo in the eyes – the first time ever since Bilbo had stepped outside – and softly begged: “No, please don’t tell Oin. It’ll be fine.”

Bilbo’s frown deepened and he glanced at Fili’s hands again. “Are you sure? It looks pretty bad…”

Fili nodded. “I’m sure. Bofur is already looking for Beorn and besides Oin will only fuss over me when he sees.”

“And you don’t want Oin fussing over you!” Bilbo rolled his eyes with a huff.

Fili forced a strained smile. “Thorin will notice.” He admitted, eyes downcast and sounding very disappointed in himself.

“Oh.” Bilbo mumbled. _Of course_. He thought, chiding himself. Of course that was what Fili was worried about and, knowing Thorin, Bilbo couldn’t blame him. Granted, he didn’t know how Fili would manage to keep these obvious blisters a secret. But if Thorin knew, well, Bilbo could imagine that Fili didn’t want his uncle disappointed in him. Or perhaps angry. That was something that Bilbo didn’t find hard to imagine either. Although perhaps Thorin wouldn’t get so angry with Fili as he was family. Either way, if Fili didn’t want Oin fussing over him because Thorin might find out, well, then he would just have to take that job on. Someone needed to look out for Fili after all. “Then I will fuss over you instead.”

“You’ll… really?” Fili blinked owlishly at Bilbo, looking shocked but not in a bad way.

Bilbo sighed in exasperation and rolled his eyes. Why was Fili still surprised about things like this? “Of course.” He said and gave the other a small, playful push. “Now go sit down and let me have a look.”

Fili gave Bilbo an unreadable look but after a second or so he shrugged with a small smile and sat down on the way too big bench, putting the flowers aside. “If you want.”

Bilbo huffed. “Of course I do.” He said and took the few steps he was still separated from Fili. He was about to take one of Fili’s hands in his when now from this close he could actually see how many blisters were on the other’s hands. He gasped softly and with widened eyes looked at Fili. “What did you do?”

“I don’t know. Picked a wrong flower I guess.” Fili replied sheepishly with a shrug. 

“In the garden?” Bilbo frowned and then after a moment of thought exclaimed: “Then Beorn must have something for it!” 

Fili chuckled. “That’s what we thought, so Bofur’s gone looking.”

Bilbo nodded thoughtfully. “Good. good. I’ll go find Bofur then. With things like this it’s always good to get it treated as soon as possible. Especially if we don’t know what kind of flower it was…” 

“No problem.” Fili said and slid off of the bench again. “I’m coming with you, make sure you don’t get trampled on or something by some of those ponies.”

Bilbo huffed and shook his head, not commenting though for he had the feeling all Fili wanted to do now was hide from his uncle.

He would happily offer that shelter.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone will like this chapter! And remember guys, feedback is always appreciated! :D
> 
> There won't be an update next week as I'll be having a family day Thursday and then Friday until Sunday I'm going to Paris~ <3

Finding Bofur took a while.

They couldn't cross the main room, after all, and sneaking around was a lot harder with a dwarf following you than it was on your own, Bilbo found.

_He_ was a hobbit. _He_ was light on his feet and knew how to sneak around.

Fili, however, wasn't.

He wasn't light on his feet and Bilbo really did wonder how he ever got any candy stolen when he was little because Fili could not sneak around. If they hadn't been avoiding the company quite intently already he was sure they would've been caught by now.

It wasn't that Fili was knocking things over. 

Not at all.

But his footsteps were incredibly _loud_ and when he talked to Bilbo - which was quite often - it were far from airy whispers.

While he liked the interaction as he hadn’t really talked that much with Fili the past few days – plus it was a good distraction from his thoughts running rampage – it was quite frustrating.

Not necessarily because Bilbo didn’t want to be found out but because he was trying hard for Fili to not be found out. 

 

When they got to the kitchen, Bilbo was silently contemplating telling Fili to for Yavanna's sake keep his mouth shut. 

Seriously, one more word and he was sure he would snap.

“You know,” Fili mumbled suddenly and Bilbo almost had a heart attack - again! “If Bofur isn't here I think he might be in the –”

That was it. He’d had it!

“Fili, please just shut up!” Bilbo snapped, turning around to glare at the other.

Fili stopped dead in his tracks, looking at Bilbo with a slightly hurt frown. “Sorry?” He said, both a question and an apology with his voice soft, sounding very unsure and a tad bit hurt.

The moment he saw those eyes on him and heard the slight crack in Fili’s voice Bilbo’s anger deflated. “Well, I mean… we are trying to sneak around, you know?” He started to explain awkwardly, already starting to feel guilty for having snapped like he had. “So perhaps we can talk but a bit more… soft and subtle?”

As Bilbo talked Fili’s hurt expression slowly melted away and made place for amusement. He raised an eyebrow and a familiar twinkle caught his eyes – one that indicated teasing.

Before he could say something though, a chuckle drifted through the air.

Both Fili and Bilbo froze and the two of them turned to the kitchen-door with wide eyes.

They’d been caught? Bilbo thought and felt both annoyed and disappointed.

Then Bofur stepped out of the kitchen, grin on his lips as he watched both Bilbo’s and Fili’s faces fall into a shocked expression.

For a second, Bofur merely stood there watching the two with an amused expression. Then he turned twinkling eyes to Bilbo and asked: "Hardly soft and subtle yelling at ‘im, isn't it?"

Teasing as the words were, Bilbo still couldn’t help but flinch. “I know.” He murmured softly in reply 

“Hey, hey I was jus’ teasing!” Bofur quickly stepped forward and clasped Bilbo’s shoulder. He glanced at Fili quickly before turning back to Bilbo with a smirk. “I’m sure our chatterbox wasn’t insulted.”

Fili, to his credit, only snorted.

But when Bilbo turned his eyes to him, feeling slightly guilty and looking just a tad bit insecure, he gave the other a re-assuring smile.

“I wasn’t.” Fili shook his head. “I was being loud.”

“You were.” Bofur nodded with a grin. “So what are ya two looking for? Or hiding from?”

An awkward laugh escaped Bilbo and he glanced at Fili. It would probably be best to let the other explain as Fili was technically the one “hiding”.

“You, actually.” Fili replied quickly and pointed a finger at Bilbo with a smirk. “This one here wanted to go find you.”

Bilbo huffed and crossed his arms in front of his chest. The cover-up might be smooth but that didn’t mean he had to agree with it! “Of course I do! Look at your hands. You don’t know what it is so we have to treat it as soon as possible. Whatever it is.” He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. What was with these dwarves and their lack of worry about their general well-being? It was almost like the thought things like this couldn’t hurt them. He shook his head. “You dwarves really ought to worry more.”

Bofur chuckled. “Or ya need to worry less.”

“About us anyway.” Fili added with a laugh. He looked at Bilbo with a kind smile, reminding him that: “We are dwarves, Bilbo. We are a lot more hardy than you.”

“True.” Bilbo couldn’t help but agree. He did forget about that more often than not. They could take more than him, didn’t get sick for as far as they boasted. But still… “You don’t know what it is.” He pouted.

“Ah! You two don’t know what it is.” Bofur said with a smirk. “I happen to know now that it is jus’ a rash. Quite harmless if you use the salve Beorn has lying around.”

Bilbo felt a surge of relief at those words. “Really?”

“Yeah. It’s in the kitchen, middle cupboard in a glass pot with a blue cap.” Bofur said.

The three then went into the kitchen and Fili got a chair – just as huge as all the other stuff in this house.

Bilbo watched, trying very hard not to comment or take the chair from Fili. He was a dwarf, he was hardy, he could save himself and probably would either be amused or irritated if Bilbo tried to do this for him.

With Fili dragging a chair over to the cupboard, Bilbo was left standing on the other side of the kitchen with Bofur.

He didn’t quite mind that at all.

He still wanted to have words with the other, after all.

“You put him up to this?” He demanded softly.

Bofur looked fairly innocent, although his eyes did gleam suspiciously. “Put who up to what?”

“Bollocks.” Bilbo shook his head and hissed. “You know what I’m talking about!”

“Such language, Bilbo!”

“Bofur!” Bilbo cried – albeit softly – in frustration. Usually he was eloquent enough to not get this frustrated this quickly but this concerned Fili and somehow he was never eloquent when the other was concerned.

“Now’s not the most… subtle moment, don’t ya think?” Bofur asked. A just question, wouldn’t it be for the smirk on his lips.

Bilbo sighed in resignation. Bofur was, unfortunately, right. “Later.” He said, voice filled with promise. Because now he really wanted to know Bofur’s part in all of this. First saying Fili had a gift only for the truth to be quite different! So why had Bofur assisted in getting Fili up to this? Sure, it probably hadn’t been just Bofur but why would he help in any case? He wanted to know. Needed to know, because if Bofur had the wrong idea about, well, Bilbo and Fili, then he needed to set his friend straight. Definitely if he was going to pull stunts like this!

“Oi, Bofur!” Fili suddenly called out.

Bofur and Bilbo looked up from their whispered conversation.

Fili was standing on the chair, in front of an open cupboard with lots of jars and watching the pair with a small frown. “Which one did Beorn say it was?”

“Ah, the one with the blue cap.” Bofur said and made his way over to Fili.

Bilbo watched for a second, muttering to his friend’s retreating back: “What were you thinking.” Before he too made his way over to Fili, who is all but climbing down the chair with the jar in his hands.

When the blond took the cap off of the jar he frowned. “You’re not going to put it on yourself, are you?” He asked the blond.

Fili gave him an amused look. “Of course I am.”

Bilbo shook his head. How was Fili ever going to coat two hands by himself? “You’ll make a right mess! Here, give me that.” He demanded, stepping forward and holding out his hand for the jar.

“Bilbo what are you doing?” Fili frowned.

“Putting it on you, of course!” Bilbo rolled his eyes. Wasn’t that obvious? Fili would, after all, be a hand short.

Bofur, having watched the two interact, suddenly chuckled. “You know what, I think it’s ‘bout time I’m gonna go find me brothers. I’ll let everyone know ya two are busy.” He said, winking at Bilbo.

“B-busy?” Bilbo asked, small flush rising to his cheeks. “Don’t make it sound like… like that! I’m only helping him out.”

Bofur laughed and with a wink and an amused “yeah right” made his way out of the kitchen.  
“You’re taking care of me.” Fili’s soft, awed voice turned Bilbo’s attention back to him rather than the empty doorway.

“What?” He asked. Of course he was taking care of Fili! If he didn’t, no-one else would. Not properly, at least.

“Nothing.” Fili shook his head, tiniest of blushes on his cheeks. “Go ahead.”


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all,
> 
> Here I am again! Paris sucked so let's not talk about it (hint: I was sick)! Instead, let's enjoy the next chapter <3
> 
> Hope everyone loves it and please note that I am not sure if there will be an update next week as I have a roommate from tomorrow until Saturday.
> 
> Enjoy! :D

_“Go ahead.”_

 

Bilbo looked around the kitchen with a small frown. “Uhm, are you sure we should do this here?” He turned back to Fili and quickly added: “I mean, you don’t want someone to walk in on us, right? And the salve needs some time to draw into the skin. Or I could wrap your hands but then the others will see…”

Fili looked a bit lost at the stream of words. Then he let out an exasperated sigh and shook his head. “These flowers, I’m only getting you in trouble, aren’t I?”

“You are.” Bilbo was quick to say and then grinned. “But then again, that’s nothing new.”

Fili laughed and shook his head. “True, true.” He agreed. “And I do agree that leaving the kitchen is a good idea. As strange as it might sound, I would rather answer questions about where the two of us disappeared to then about how my hands got hurt so badly.”

With that said, the two started to make their way out of the kitchen and, almost as if silently agreed, towards the back door. Bilbo, however, couldn’t help but be amused – much better than embarrassment! – at the other’s statement. “Oh yes, anything better than to tell the others you were picking flowers!” He laughed.

“Well,” Fili hesitated for a moment, laughing awkwardly as they made their way outside and through a few bushes. Did Bilbo even know where he was going? “It _is_ quite embarrassing if you consider the differences in our… appreciation of flowers.”

_And yet you did it._ Bilbo thought, eyes straying over to Fili and setting on his face. He knew what it was, this feeling curling in the pit of his stomach, swirling through his veins and making his head dizzy and his bones feel limp. He knew what it was, yet he pretended not to, his treacherous mind softly whispering: _For me._

“Of course.” Bilbo agreed with a laugh and stopped walking when they stood on the clearing he’d stumbled across earlier that day. This would do. He turned to Fili and shrugged. “What’s the worst they can think of us doing anyway?” He commented and then settled down on a patch of grass, patting the ground next to him to indicate Fili should join.

Fili gave Bilbo a raised eyebrow as he sits down. “You cannot think of anything?”

Bilbo turned amused eyes to Fili. “Lots of things but surely none of those would cross anyone’s mind!” He laughed. 

Fili, however, didn’t laugh.

Bilbo’s laugh stuttered to a halt and he stared at Fili.

Sure, there was _something_ between them – a something he needed to think about, a lot. Later. – but that didn’t mean that the rest of the company would think they were up to something, did it? Weren’t they too strange a pair, wasn’t he just a hobbit that had locked himself up in his home while Fili was the heir to a throne? 

“Why?” He asked.

Fili frowned, confused at the question and a slight flicker of hurt could be caught in his eyes. “Why?”

“Isn’t it… too weird?” Bilbo asked with a frown of his own and then when he saw Fili’s frown darken, added: “We are different races, after all.” He thought he didn’t need to point out that both hobbits and dwarves both had cultures too secretive to have their people fully accept a mixed couple.

Fili laughed, but it sounded harsh. “I’m not saying they wouldn’t mind. Just that it is something they will be thinking.”

Bilbo pondered those words for a moment. Then he nodded because yes, he could see that. It did raise a whole new question though. “And you wouldn’t mind?”

“No.” Fili stated with a firm shake of his head, eyes never leaving Bilbo.

“Oh.” Bilbo managed, feeling slightly flabbergasted. He wasn’t sure quite what to make of that answer nor the amount of conviction it had been spoken with. Wasn’t it strange that while Fili had denied wanting to court him he didn’t mind the others thinking they were up to something? Sure, that didn’t mean courting but it still raised some questions.

“Would you?” Fili asked, startling Bilbo from his thoughts. He was looking at Bilbo with a friendly smile but question was in his eyes, too.

Bilbo was taken aback by the question. Would he mind?

You’d want it to happen. The familiar voice in the back of his mind said and he couldn’t ignore or deny it. He wouldn’t mind for anything of the sexual kind to happen between them if it weren’t for the fact that afterwards things would be changed. It had happened before. Things would either go sour or go awkward. That, also, wasn’t even mentioning the fact that with Fili a lot more feelings were involved than he would allow himself to admit.

But Fili looked good, there was no denying that and Bilbo couldn’t deny that having the company think they were more involved than mere friends was flattering. For as Fili said, they might not agree, they did think it and for them to think someone like Bilbo could get with someone like Fili… 

“No.” He eventually shook his head. “No I think I wouldn’t.”

Fili’s eyes widened at the answer. “Well, that’s good to know.”

Bilbo raised an eyebrow. “Is it now? I can imagine there are a lot of people that wouldn’t mind that assumption made involving them.”

“Are you saying you find me attractive, master hobbit?” Fili asked, cocky grin on his lips.

“Perhaps.” Came out of his mouth but his mind was yelling at him to shut up. To not engage in this kind of banter because wasn’t this what he had been trying to avoid?

But was that true still? Ever since Fili had given him the flowers things had started to change. In his mind, in his heart. He was denying them, ignoring them, but the changes were there and it terrified him.

Fili laughed and gave Bilbo a playful wink. “You are perhaps not that bad yourself, either.” He said and Bilbo could just imagine the amount of ladies Fili had tried to wrap around his finger with sentences like that.

He told Fili so.

Fili’s expression fell a bit at those words. “Maybe once or twice.” He shrugged and then suddenly nodded to the salve. “Do you want to apply that now?”

It was obvious that Bilbo had made the wrong comment. Why, he didn’t know but it wasn’t too bad. At least now he didn’t need to think of his own excuse to turn the conversation around.

Bilbo nodded, opting not to comment on the ‘maybe once or twice’ comment and instead he took the jar.

He twisted off the cap and pulled up his nose. It didn't smell very good but usually those were the best remedies.

He looked at Fili, standing who was watching the jar with a small frown and his nose pulled up – probably due to the smell. It was quite endearing and Bilbo's fingers itched to just step up to the other, roll up his sleeves and smear the salve on. They’d been so busy sneaking around and now talking that the other’s hands had been blistered for a while and Bilbo would like some peace of mind knowing that Fili's hands would get better soon rather than worse. But he knew Fili probably wouldn't appreciate his meddling so instead he said: "Why don't you roll up your sleeves?"

Fili did, albeit a bit slowly due to his hurt hands, and when he was done he stuck out his arms towards Bilbo and grinned. “Go ahead, let’s get it over with because that stuff smells.”

Bilbo laughed. “It does.”

He then dipped his fingers into the jar and took out some salve. He took a breath and glanced up at Fili.

Fili was looking at his hands with the same sort of expression of anticipation.

Feeling nervous suddenly, Bilbo quickly started his task.

It felt strange at the start, holding Fili’s hands and gently putting the salve on. The other’s hands were bigger than his, the skin rough and weary and so much unlike Bilbo’s. 

It was a good kind of different, though, and Bilbo tried very hard not to imagine those hands on his own skin.

That was made easier when Fili hissed as Bilbo finally started covering the first of quite a few blisters.

“Sorry.” He mumbled with an apologetic smile. 

Fili shook his head with a grimace, a small smile tugging at his lips. “Nah, it’s my own fault.”

Bilbo chuckled. “That’s the last time you ever picked flowers.”

“Oh yes,” Fili nodded with a grin. “Or at least the last time I do so without my personal flower-guide with me.” He joked, winking at Bilbo.

Bilbo just laughed and as he spread more salve over some blisters he silently agreed with Fili.


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for updating so late!
> 
> I've been terribly busy and think I might be for a while... For those of you who are interested, Paris sucked. I was sick my whole stay there (better now, thank god!). My company has been taken over by completition and while we probably still have our jobs until at least the end of this year I'm not going to sit around and wait until I'm fired. So there's that.
> 
> Either way, I hope this update and plot improvement makes up for the wait! <3

After the awkward conversation with Fili ended, Bilbo was quite quick and efficient when it came to covering Fili’s hands and wrists with salve.

After the realization that it actually _hurt_ put a stop to his mind wandering off about the feel of Fili’s hands and got him back to his worried self. 

When all of Fili’s blisters were covered with the salve they sat next to each other in the clearing. After their somewhat awkward conversation neither knew what to say to ease the tension now between them.

Bilbo was looking around, studying plants while Fili was studying his hands.

Bilbo just felt like he needed to be alone. To let his thoughts run wild because in just this afternoon so much had changed!

Meanwhile Fili was happy to spend time with Bilbo, but he had grown insecure and didn’t know what to say in their sudden silence. He had said so many wrong things already, had mucked up royally with the flowers and then there had been that teasing conversation just minutes ago… 

An awkward pair they were and perhaps no more so than Bilbo’s comment, meant to break the silence between them.

“So, next up is Mirkwood, isn’t it?” A question to break tension it might have been, but small traces of worry were evident in Bilbo’s voice. It was quite clear that the mere idea of Mirkwood frightened the hobbit.

Fili nodded. “Not the happiest of prospects but considering what we have gone through we’ll be fine.”

And that was how they spent the rest of their time. They talked about Mirkwood, about the rest of their journey and about their destination.

By the time the salve had drawn into Fili’s skin all awkwardness had been forgotten.

\---

It was later that day, when dusk was falling and Bilbo had found himself a quiet spot to smoke and think, when the awkward feeling returned.

So much had happened today and he was confused.

Fili had lied.

He had said that he hadn’t known that hobbits offered courtship with a bouquet and stated that it hadn’t been his intentions. But his expression had said differently. Whether that was if he knew how hobbits courted or if he actually had meant to court Bilbo made little difference. The offer was the same, after all.

But that meant – and Bilbo had been avoiding this thought all day – that Fili _wanted_ to court him.

Wanted to, but for some reason had talked himself out of it.

_Don’t you wish he hadn’t?_

That was the real question, wasn’t it?

Bilbo knew that he liked Fili. That was, by now, hard to deny. But exactly how much did he like him?

He _couldn’t_ love. He’d never been able to and it had taken him so long to accept that painful truth. But Fili made him feel _something._

So were the blushes, the flutter in his stomach and the rapid beating of his heart _love_? They definitely weren’t lust.

 _But you’re not capable of love._ He thought.

But what… what if he was?

 

Bilbo swallowed, taking a long drag of his pipe and closing his eyes.

Fili was turning his entire life upside down, it seemed, making him question something fundamental about himself. Something he’d believed to be true for such a long time.

Love?

Bilbo wasn’t sure. Didn’t want to be sure because the mere word terrified him. It held so many bad memories now and he just… couldn’t be.

That didn’t take away the fact that he’d felt disappointed Fili had lied. Was that because he had for a moment thought Fili would ask to court him and he had liked the idea? He still remembered the flutter in his stomach at seeing Fili hold the flowers so awkwardly.

He sighed.

It was all one big mess, wasn’t it?

 

“You ‘kay?”

Bilbo startled when he heard Bofur. He looked up to find Bofur already making his way over to him.

The dwarf sat down and lit a pipe, giving Bilbo a sideways look. “Ya looked like ya were deep in thought.”

Bilbo, who felt partially relieved to not be alone with his thoughts anymore, nodded. “I was.”

Bofur hummed, took a huff of his pipe and smirked. “Lots to think about I’d wager.” He chuckled. “Fili’s hands okay now?”

Bilbo nodded. “Yes. Nothing to worry about.” He continued smoking for a bit longer before he glanced sideways to the dwarf who had become a good friend since the beginning of this journey. 

He was quite content, smoking. But Bofur had come out to find him for a reason and Bilbo knew what that reason was. He hadn’t forgotten about Bofur’s hand in this entire ordeal, after all. So instead of basking in the silence – he thought he had deserved, thank you very much! – he asked his friend: “So, as timing is better now I’m asking again. What were you thinking?” He didn’t sound angry. Not anymore, like back in the kitchen. Instead he was curious, oh so curious to find out what had moved Bofur to help Fili with an idea like this.

Bofur chuckled. “Just trying to help.” He said easily with a shrug.

“Trying to help?” Bilbo huffed. He didn’t believe a single word of that! “Bofur you know we court with bouquets!” He pointed out.

For a moment, Bofur studied Bilbo. Then a grin broke on his face. “So ya didn’t say yes?” He teased, but while his tone was teasing his eyes were serious.

“Say yes?” Bilbo asked with a raised eyebrow. Where was this going to and what was Bofur implying here? Surely this wouldn’t be the moment where Bilbo found out exactly what Fili had been lying about – be it the flowers or the courting? He shook his head, though. “There was nothing to say yes to. He didn’t even know what he was offering.” He stated and the fact the words stung a bit didn’t shock him like before, didn’t want to make him crawl into a dark corner anymore. He glared at Bofur. “If _someone_ had told him, he probably wouldn’t even have thought of offering me those flowers.”

“Not so sure ‘bout that.” Bofur commented, lips curling up in a small, teasing smile.

“Why?” Bilbo frowned and shook his head. “However nice it was” – and didn’t those words just slip from his mouth without him really thinking about it – “you only court your Ones.”

Bofur huffed and gave Bilbo a slightly offended look. “You think I don’t know?” He questioned, raising an eyebrow.

Bilbo blinked. Well of course he expected Bofur to know but what else could he be thinking when the other was offering such… ludicrous ideas? “But then… why?” He asked, frown on his face.

“Why do ya think?” Bofur shot back, serious expression on his face as he regarded Bilbo with a raised eyebrow.

Bilbo didn’t need longer than a second to think.

“No.” He said resolutely, shaking his head and he was torn between hitting Bofur or laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of the idea. “No, no, no. That’s an absurd idea!”

“Why?”

“Why?” Bilblo cried, waving his pipe in the air and glaring at Bofur. “Bofur have you gone stupid? Of course it’s absurd. I mean… he’s Fili and I’m… well, me. Not only is he young and a prince he’s also a dwarf.” He rattled on, shaking his head and feeling an angry flush settle on his cheeks.

“Bilbo –” Bofur started.

“No.” Bilbo stated, waving his pipe in front of Bofur’s face.

Bofur smirked. “You’ve been giving it a lot of thought, haven’t you?”

Bilbo’s anger deflated a bit at the question and he sighed. “Only just now.” He admitted.

“Okay. So you’ve thought of him being young and a prince.” Bofur nodded and leaned his head to the side. His smile grew softer, friendlier and when he spoke it was almost gentle. “There’s worse fish to catch, isn’t there?”


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, whoohoo! 
> 
> What's everyone thinking of all the things happening now in the story? Let me know!

_“There’s worse fish to catch, isn’t there?”_

Bilbo’s couldn’t help himself and even though the situation was quite serious – or so he thought – his lips curled up into a small smile. “Wasn’t this about Fili?”

Bofur snorted. “You want this to be about Fili?” He asked and with a huff shook his head. “I can make it about Fili. About the way he stares holes in your back and laughs at your jokes. All of them, even the stupid ones. About the –”

“Okay, okay, I get it.” Bilbo blurted, shaking his head.

“You just want me to stop talking, don’t ya? ‘Cause ya know what I’m gonna say.” Bofur said with a knowing look.

Bilbo swallowed.

He was just coming to terms with his own feelings! He shouldn’t have to deal with Fili’s as well… No matter how much thinking about Fili’s feelings made him come to terms with his own.

With a soft sigh, Bilbo shook his head. “I know but that doesn’t mean it’s true.”

Bofur raised an eyebrow. “Because?”

Bilbo frowned just a bit. “I just told you, didn’t I?”

“That’s all logical reasons why it wouldn’t work.” Bofur said with a small shrug. He gave Bilbo a pointed look, saying: “And ya know love ain’t logical.”

Bilbo felt a bit faint at hearing the words from Bofur. 

_He was Fili’s One._

It was definitely a shock and even now Bilbo wasn’t sure if he truly believed it. 

Moreover, he didn’t want to believe it. It would mean so much, would change so much and the sole knowledge would most likely influence his decisions.

He could already feel it now. The excitement, the warm feeling whizzing through his body at the thought he was Fili’s One. That was exciting. Having to figure out how he felt about Fili, wasn’t. In fact, knowing his own feelings could have an enormous impact on the other was downright frightening.

“Bilbo, you ‘kay?” Bofur asked.

Bilbo glanced at him and for a fleeting moment felt like strangling his friend.

He wished he’d never known this. Or at least not now.

His eyes turned slightly accusing and he sounded quite forlorn when he asked: “Why did you tell me this?”

Bofur frowned. "Cause it's obvious ya feel the same!" He cried and gave Bilbo a pointed look.

"What if I don't?" Bilbo asked and shook his head. A fair question, he thought, for at this moment he didn't know what to think or feel. He cared for Fili, might love him, but what indeed if he didn't?

Bofur sighed and shook his head, exasperated. "Oh come on Bilbo, ya know that ain't true."

"No, I don't!" Bilbo snapped and, seeing the confusion on Bofur's face, explained: "I've never been in love, Bofur. For the longest time, all I believed was incapable of love because I never felt it for the girls." He then averted his eyes and whispered: "Nor for the lads." Which in the Shire, truthfully, had been a good thing. It was better to be a bachelor than to find a man rather than a woman.

"Oh Bilbo..." Bofur sighed, sympathy in his voice. "It must have been hard." He sighed.

"It got better." Bilbo shrugged even though it wasn't really true. "After courtships never worked with the girls and a few tumbles in the hay with the guys I just stopped. Was informed – quite unfriendly so – I couldn't love and shouldn't attempt a relationship ever again." He said, the words biting now rather than filling him with sad resignation like it had before. "It hurt a while but in the end suited me quite fine." The fact love hadn't been good for his parents had helped. As well as the fact that saying he couldn't love was still easier than the truth.

"It's harsh nonetheless! Some people, or rather races, they just don't understand love doesn't work like that. Men are quite the same." Bofur sighed.

Bilbo nodded, not saying anything. He knew Men were the same, if not worse. They were the race they had most contact and thus most in common with although Bilbo sometimes didn't agree on that point of view.

So..." Bofur started with a small, kind smile. "When did you realize you might love Fili?"

Bilbo thought about an answer for a few moments. He had known for a while now that there was something brewing. He’d just been too scared to admit it to himself. Even now he was quite certain he didn’t allow himself to see the big picture yet, but all things considered that was only fair. Even if he was tricking himself. "Today."

Bofur looked stricken. “T-today?” He echoed.

Bilbo was sure it was the first time he heard his friend stutter. He also was quite certain that the guilty expression that now crossed Bofur’s face was also something he hadn’t seen a lot before.

“So that’s why you asked…” Bofur mumbled, sounding dejectedly.

Bilbo frowned. “What?”

“Why I told you.” Bofur explained softly.

“Ah. Yes.” Bilbo nodded with a grimace. He still felt that he shouldn’t know. Still felt that it would have all been better – easier – if this hadn’t happened.

“Oh boy.” Bofur sighed and rubbed a hand over his forehead, pushing up his hat a bit with the action. He then turned to look at Bilbo with sad eyes. “It’s going to influence yer decision, ain’t it?”

Bilbo sighed. “It is.” He shook his head, trying to get rid of the irritation and slight anger he felt bubbling up inside of him. “How can it not? I mean, I’m his One.” He took a deep breath. He’d said it now, hadn’t he? That always made things more real. It also made the real truth of the situation sink in. He felt faint suddenly and his voice was a bit shaky when he said: “If I don’t love him he will… have no-one else.”

“You know Fili doesn’t want his feelings to influence you.” Bofur quickly said, voice panicked and filled with conviction. Then he added with a smile and a nod: “I’m sure he’d tell ya the same!” 

“Don’t tell Fili I know!” Bilbo panicked. He didn’t know how he’d handle Fili knowing he knew. He did know, however, that he couldn’t face Fili about this without knowing for certain where he stood in all this. He shook his head., stressing again: “Just don’t. I need to… think.”

Bofur nodded and placed a comforting hand on Bilbo’s shoulder.“Of course, my mouth is sealed. Take all the time ya need.”

Bilbo smiled gratefully at that. Of course Bofur wouldn’t. He had only been trying to help, after all. He couldn’t have known Bilbo was as emotionally damaged as he was nor how much he’d been struggling to accept his feelings for Fili. Heck, even he himself had been willingly blind to his own internal struggle!

“Ya ready to go back in now?” Bofur asked.

Bilbo considered it for a second. But did he really want to sit close to Fili now? Make merry, drink and sing whilst for all he knew the rest of the company was making lewd comments because he went off with Fili that afternoon?

He shook his head. “No.”

Bofur nodded in understanding. “Ya want me to leave so ya can continue thinkin’?” He asked.

Bilbo huffed. More thinking? He felt like he’d done more than enough of that for the day! No matter how important the subject. “Not really. I’ve done enough of that.”

Bofur laughed. 

“But if you want to go inside and be with the others, don’t let me stop you.” Bilbo offered with a smile.

Shaking his head, Bofur said: “An’ leave ya to wallow in yer thoughts? Methinks not.” Then he held up his now unlit pipe. “’sides, I could do with some quiet to enjoy a proper smoke.”

Bilbo laughed. “here is nothing proper about the stuff you smoke.”

“Ha! For a soft an’ gentle hobbit perhaps. For us dwarves, it’s perfect.” He teased and lit a match to first light his own bowl before offering it to Bilbo.

Bilbo gratefully let Bofur light his pipe and when that was done, commented: “I guess you’re right. Us hobbits do have a more refined taste than you dwarves do.”

Bofur merely chuckled and enjoyed his pipe.

 

After an hour – maybe longer, they weren’t sure – Bilbo yawned.

Bofur chuckled. “We should go inside an’ get some sleep. They’re not as loud anymore as before. In fact, I barely hear them.”

Bilbo nodded. To his relief Bofur was right and it was almost quiet inside. Perhaps most of the company had retired which suited him just fine. “Yes, let’s go.”

They stood up and made their way inside, both happy to get some shut eye while there were still comfortable beds to sleep in.

That was when Bilbo remembered his bed was right next to none other than Fili.


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter! Hope everyone enjoys it.
> 
> I'm not sure if I'll update next week since I'm quite busy the rest of the week! Maybe I'll get to writing on Sunday but I can't promise an update... Just so you all know ;)

Bilbo really did wonder how he was ever going to get into bed without waking the two Durins.

His bed was in the middle and while he had his own pillow and blanket he was still very aware they both would wake if he crawled in.

He sighed.

There was nothing he could do about it. At least if he were to wake them they would both turn around so he’d be facing shoulders rather than faces – Fili’s in particular.

He crawled in and, as he’d thought, immediately Fili roused.

“It’s just me.” Bilbo muttered before Fili could grab a knife from somewhere.

“Bilbo?” Fili asked, drowsily but his eyes were open and he watched Bilbo slip underneath the blanket. “Why were you up so late?”

“Just chatting with Bofur.” Bilbo murmured back. 

Behind him Kili mumbled something about hobbits being noisy as he turned in his bed.

Bilbo chuckled – as did Fili but his sounded infinitely more tired. 

“Oh!” Bilbo suddenly cried softly and asked Fili: “How are your hands?”

Fili grinned. “ Good! The salve did a wonder. The blisters are almost gone.”

Bilbo nodded, relieved. “Good.” 

Fili nodded as well, but it was overtaken by a yawn. 

Bilbo chuckled. “Let’s sleep.”

Fili nodded and with a soft sigh settled down again, softly mumbling: “Goodnight.”

“Night.” Bilbo echoed, a strange feeling of belonging filling him. This felt strangely familiar, for it was the ritual his parents had had all night saying goodnight to each other before going to sleep.

He flushed. But instead of feeling panicked he felt a bit warm.

_Definitely like him._

He closed his eyes and tried to catch some sleep with that positive thought still in mind.

Because if he was Fili’s One, then how could liking him be a bad thing? He was guaranteed the other liked him in return.

Unless…

Bilbo frowned. Could dwarves be unhappy with their Ones? He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know but felt as if he needed to. He’d ask Bofur tomorrow.

Now he should try and sleep.

He closed his eyes.

_Next to Fili._

Bilbo swallowed.

Last time sleeping next to Fili had been nerve-wrecking enough – both before and after his nightmare.

But now he was laying here with a new added layer. Now he was feeling so much different from last time. Or rather, he admitted it. 

But it made laying next to Fili so much more exciting. Because he was next to Fili.

He wondered how Fili felt. Would he be happy and relieved that Bilbo would sleep next to him?

Bilbo smiled.

This wasn’t so bad. He still didn’t know what exactly it felt – was it love or not? – but he felt much more relaxed than last time. that was definitely due to the fact he was finally being honest with himself.

As he drifted off to sleep, he couldn’t help but hope they’d spent quite a few more nights here.

\---

Bilbo woke slowly that morning.

He always did when he’d had a good night of sleep.

He smiled to himself, happy to feel rested after so long and to just stay in bed for a bit longer now that he had the chance.

He could feel the warmth of someone next to him and he tried very hard to hide his smile. It was strange how peaceful he felt knowing Fili was next to him. 

That had to mean something, right?

Bilbo took a breath and unconsciously moved closer to Fili.

Then, though, Fili mumbled something in his sleep, startling Bilbo.

The hobbit moved back a bit but didn’t feel like getting up yet. He was much too comfortable, almost like he was at home only his soft bed in Bag End had been rather lonely the last few years. 

So was that what this was?

He’d been alone long enough, believing – saying – he couldn’t love. So now that he was finally confronted with someone that – he was told – loved him, he could easily be confused.

For now, though, he decided to not think about it.

Putting his mind at ease took a few minutes, but when he succeeded he could feel himself drifting off again.

Then, though, he heard some harsh murmurs in Khudzul.

Startled from his serene state of almost-sleep, Bilbo froze and on instinct opened his eyes.

Realizing it had only been Fili he was about to close his eyes again when his sleepy mind finally caught up with him.

When it did, he was wide awake straight away.

Because there in front of him, wasn’t Fili.

Fili didn’t have brown hair.

Bilbo was sure his breathing – and heart – just froze for a moment.

_Bollocks_

He wriggled back slowly – it wouldn’t do to wake Kili now! – with his cheeks flushed bright red in embarrassment.

He was a downright fool! He scolded himself.

When he’d managed to wriggle himself away from Kili – at least far enough away that he couldn’t feel his body heat anymore – he heaved a sigh.

Then, he turned around and closed his eyes.

He felt embarrassed and mortified. It didn’t even matter that no-one had seen. He should have looked. Or rather, he should have just gotten out of bed and not have done what he had. Whatever he could call it anyway.

So he lay there and tried very hard to tell himself that this little mishap hadn’t actually happened.

\---

That night they all got drunk on mead.

Bilbo would like to say he only got a little drunk, but he really couldn’t. It would be too much of a blatant lie.

He hoped no-one at home would ever find out about how he got drunk on so little mead – he’d only had half of what he’d normally have before he was at this state! Then again, seeing as they were at Beorn’s – a Skin-changer which no sane hobbit would speak to anyway – and many, many miles away from the Shire he needn’t worry about anyone finding out.

And, considering he had trained on his sword-skills with Dwalin all day today, it was understandable that he had gotten drunk so fast.

It was all good fun, laughing and singing and just an overall good time. They continued into the wee hours of the night and in the end even Bilbo was standing on the table and sharing songs with Bofur and some of the others.

 

By the time Bilbo stumbled to bed, his mind was blissfully numbed by the alcohol and he shared some giggles with Kili as the dwarf settled down.

“Having fun you two?” Fili laughed as he, too, joined them in their bed – because it sort of was, wasn’t it? 

“Definitely.” Bilbo said as he looked at Fili.

When their eyes caught there was the little voice in the back of his mind that said: _Shouldn’t have drank so much._

He always ended up doing things he regretted.


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry! I swear I don't mean to turn them into these increadible drama-queens it just happens...
> 
> But it's progress?
> 
> Yay!

Bilbo was laying on his back, in-between Fili and Kili.

After some more talking and jokes, the three of them had settled down and now all except for Bilbo were asleep.

He couldn’t sleep, always had difficulties with it when he’d had a tad bit too much to drink. His mind was whizzing and he couldn’t relax.

He turned his head, favoring watching Fili over watching the ceiling.

He hadn’t spent any time with the dwarf alone that day, nor had he had any time to properly think about his feelings with how busy he had been. Of course, now with his mind muddled by drink, was also not the time.

Yet he couldn’t stop his mind from thinking.

Now that all around him was quiet he felt the urge, the _need_ to know what he felt for Fili. It wouldn’t be easy to figure out, but if he were honest he couldn’t carry on like this. Tomorrow, if he had more time, he’d probably start looking at Fili. Might start noticing how the other looked at him, took interest in him.

_Anything_ to indicate that he was indeed Fili’s One. And if that happened, well, Bilbo would rather have a grip on his own feelings.

But how could he know for sure? Love and attraction weren’t things he was very familiar with and he didn’t want to make a wrong deduction. That would only end up confusing him and hurting Fili. 

For a few moments he watched the lines of Fili’s face. The curl of his rough-looking lips, the softness of his hair bound in their usual braids. The almost flawless skin, now eased into a relaxed and open expression that showed Fili’s complete trust in those who he had close.

Yes, Fili was attractive. Very much so. But that still did not tell Bilbo how he could know for certain how he felt.

_What if you kiss him?_

The thought took him aback, even if it was his own mind that brought it on.

Kiss Fili?

It wasn’t that he would mind! In fact, anyone that passed up the chance to kiss said dwarf was an idiot. But he wasn’t really passing up a chance to kiss Fili, wasn’t he?

There was no chance, no opportunity to kiss Fili.

All he would do was steal a kiss.

And while he was the company’s designated burglar, he wasn’t sure if stealing this certain thing was the wisest thing to do.

_What other chance do you have?_

He watched Fili, the thought laying rampage to his thoughts.

It would be stealing, but he could kiss Fili now. He could do it without being noticed, without having to explain himself.

It would be good, wouldn’t it?

 

Without giving it a lot more thought, Bilbo leaned in.

Even through the alcohol – the only reason for this ridiculous idea! – he felt dizzy from excitement and his heart beat wildly. He was going to kiss Fili!

He was hovering his lips over Fili’s, closing his eyes about to kiss Fili when the clearer part of his mind butted in: _Not a good idea._

Wavering, if only for a second, the thought was apparently enough to change his mind and make his movements change its course. 

Instead of full on Fili’s lips, Bilbo’s kiss landed on the edge of Fili’s lips and more on the skin of his cheeks than his lips anyway. 

Even though it wasn’t a real kiss, Bilbo still felt as if the world stopped for a moment.

He wasn’t sure if it were nerves, guilt or love – or lust, but he wasn’t out to figure that bit out. 

But he did know that when he pulled back quickly – almost like he burned himself, definitely guilty – his breath halted. He had felt the shot of electricity that momentarily took over his body. He had felt it all and even though he was trying to find out whether or not he was in love with Fili, he did ignore the fact it had felt very right. Like he should have done this many times before and shouldn’t be doing anything different in the future.

Because liking or loving was one thing, feeling like he belonged was a completely different thing.

And as he lay in-between Fili and Kili, he raised his right hand, touching his index and middle-finger to his lips. They still tingled and even though that should have told him what he needed to know, he couldn’t help but think he was now even more confused than before.

\---

Fili lay frozen in bed.

He was sleeping, wasn’t he?

He had to be, for if he had been alive this wouldn’t have happened!

But he’d had a similar dream before and there Bilbo didn’t kiss the side of his lips. There Bilbo mumbled soft words of love to him and Fili would return the gesture. And if Bilbo didn’t, Fili would kiss him back – because perhaps he’d had the dream a few times. 

But that had been a dream. Something he wanted and desired but knew he couldn’t have. For Bilbo didn’t love him in that way and because Thorin would never allow it – One or not.

But in a way, it had happened.

For those had been Bilbo’s lips against his. Well, almost. But the fact it hadn’t been a full-blown kiss to his lips didn’t change the fact that _Bilbo had kissed him._

His mouth felt dry, his heart leaping in his chest and he pressed his lips together tightly to keep himself from making any noise.

For Bilbo surely thought he was sleeping and while Fili would love nothing more than to return the gesture he knew it would be a bad idea.

He clenched his hands into fists, finding it oh so hard to do nothing and pretend to be sleeping. But he had to. He didn’t have a clue what Bilbo was thinking. 

Bilbo, who called him friend and who claimed to not be able to love. If only he knew what had moved him to kiss Fili.

His fingers itched suddenly. How could he lay here silently when his One had just kissed – pecked – him? Many a dwarf wouldn’t have been able to and it was only the fact that Bilbo’s words still echoed through Fili’s mind – _can’t love_ – that kept him from either hugging or kissing Bilbo.

He lay, eyes closed and still biting his lip to keep himself from chuckling like the love-sick fool he was, and he waited.

He waited until he heard Bilbo’s breathing even out and then, just to be sure, he waited a bit longer.

Then, he got out of bed and slipped out of the room.

 

When the door closed behind him and he couldn’t hear the rest of the company snore anymore, Fili let out a long sigh.

He rubbed his temple with a few fingers and took a few steps forward so he could look up at the sky.

Stars twinkled in the midnight blue sky and part of him wishes he could go inside and fetch Bilbo to watch them together. He resisted the urge to laugh. Who would ever have thought him to be such a romantic?

Fili decided it was a good thing. For if he were to court Bilbo, he would need it as Bilbo was such a soft soul – not in all matters they had found out, but softer than a dwarf for sure.

That was, _if_ he were to court Bilbo.

He bitterly thought of his uncle and then with a fluttering heart about that kiss.

It changed things.

Granted, he didn’t know why Bilbo had kissed him. He knew, though, that unless he asked it would remain an enigma to him.

Yet should he ask?

First off, Bilbo had made it quite clear he thought himself incapable of love. While Fili’s heart longed for those words to be untrue and he tried to show Bilbo that he could be loved and thus he could love in return, something ingrained in someone’s mind for so long didn’t just change. So if it was not love, it was lust and while Thorin would rejoice at that Fili still wasn’t sure if he could handle having _just_ that.

Secondly, Bilbo was drunk. And that didn’t need any further thought. For even though it was known some got awfully honest while drunk, actions taken while in that state were also more times than not regretted come morning.

With a heavy sigh Fili leaned against one of the wooden pillars framing the veranda.

Why couldn’t he be more like Kili?

True, he didn’t often wish for it. He was quite glad to be more sensible, just a tad bit more mind and a tiny bit less brawl. But if only he was a bit less of that now, perhaps than he could have let Bilbo know he was awake rather than fake sleep. 

He might finally be getting what he wanted and he was a coward about it.


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter before I go on holiday tomorrow!
> 
> No update next week so I hope this one will satisfy everyone <3

Suddenly, Fili heard footsteps and he turned to watch Dwalin stepping outside.

The warrior was watching him with a small frown. “What’cha doing up?”

Fili shrugged. “Couldn’t sleep.”

Dwalin grunted. “The wizard said we couldn’t go outta the house.”

“I’m still in the house. Technically.” Fili pointed out, not admitting that he had completely forgotten about that warning.

Dwalin almost rolled his eyes. “Right.” He shook his head. “So why are ya here? I ain’t stupid, lad. Now what did that hobbit do?”

Fili frowned. He could understand Dwalin asking why he was here, but asking what had happened with Bilbo? Not only was it very strange it was also none of his business. “Why is it any concern of yours?”

“If ya ain’t telling yer uncle ya are telling me.” Dwalin pointed out, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Why? So you can go tell uncle?” Fili asked, hoping the rising panic didn’t actually waver through in his voice. Thorin _couldn’t_ find out.

Dwalin laughed and shook his head, eyes more serious when they settled on Fili. “I think he hardly needs that ta worry ‘bout now, don’t ya agree?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

Fili did not feel guilty for loving Bilbo. He didn’t.

Dwalin sighed. “Nay. I’m just here to make sure ya don’t make any stupid mistakes. Thank mahal ya ain’t ya brother!” He chuckled at his own words.

Fili sighed. That, he didn’t agree with.

Dwalin stepped forward suddenly, placing a hand atop of Fili’s shoulder and asking: “What happened?”

It if weren’t for that harsh pressure of Dwalin’s hand – commanding rather than comforting – and the demanding look in his eyes Fili would have thought it a fatherly gesture. It still could have been. Dwalin had been around all his life, had taught him alongside Thorin and as with his uncle, he had strived to make the warrior proud most of his life-time.

Yet that didn’t mean that Dwalin had any right to question him about things like this, worried or not. “I do not think that at this point that is any of your business.”

“Fili.” Dwalin growled.

Looking the other straight in the eyes, Fili started to feel angry. He knew Dwalin, wasn’t intimidated by him like others were. He would not let Dwalin walk all over him and get his way! “What should I tell you, Dwalin? There is nothing to worry about.”

For a moment, Dwalin was silent. Then, his face morphed into a smug look and he pointed out: “I could always ask the hobbit.”

“You know what? Why don’t you.” Fili snapped with a glare.

When Dwalin merely nodded and turned around, going back into the house, he had a sinking feeling the other actually would.

What had he done?

\---

The next morning at breakfast, Fili was restless.

He hadn’t managed to sleep a single wink anymore last night and now he was watching Dwalin like a hawk.

The other noticed – of course he did – and seemed very amused.

Fili, however, wasn’t. He didn't want Dwalin to confront Bilbo and ask what Fili himself didn't dare to ask.

What exactly was going on?

Perhaps he didn't want to know the answer for he feared it wouldn't - couldn't - be what he wanted it to be.

Suddenly he was jabbed in the side by an elbow. “Fee? Are you alright?” Kili asked, not quite bothering to be silent about it.

Fili looked at his brother with a small frown. He must indeed be very worried if he jabbed Fili like that. He shrugged. “Fine.”

Kili raised an eyebrow. He shoved a piece of honey covered bread into his mouth and after just a few chews started asking: “Then why aren’t you eating? And tapping your feet? And glaring at Dwalin?”

“Sheesh Kee, are you thirty again?” Fili asked, giving the other’s elbow.

“Maybe.” Kili shrugged. “Now what happened?” The nudge he gave Fili was one for good measure, Fili was sure.

Fili glanced around the table. At least no-one seemed to be listening to Kili and his conversation. Although that didn’t necessarily mean anything. “I’ll tell you later.”

“Sure.” Kili nodded, although Fili could see that the other was dying to know. He took another bite of his bread, mumbling: “Wonder what I slept through.”

Albeit the situation, Fili chuckled.

\---

When he got up that morning, Bilbo had found both Fili and Kili already gone.

He’d been very relieved.

Even more so when he arrived at the table and found most of the dwarves already seated and devouring breakfast. Normally he would be very offended because they were eating breakfast and no-one had woke him up before half of it was finished! But that day, it meant almost all seats were taken and he was forced to squeeze in in-between Balin and Oin.

He picked some pieces of bread from a passing plate, confiscated a lone jug with honey and started dipping the bread in. He ate, humming happily to himself and trying very hard not to glance at Fili for he didn’t want to make a fool out of himself.

After his second piece of bread he felt watched. It took him a few moments – and a few not so subtle glances around the table – to realize that it was Balin.

Catching Bilbo’s eyes, Balin smiled. “You seem quite fond of bread and honey, Bilbo.”

At the comment, Bilbo felt his cheeks flush. He must be a sight for the dwarves, humming to himself contently while eating. “Ah, I am.” He admitted and then added: "Plus I'm just happy to have some proper food!"

"Agreed." Balin chuckled. "Especially you must miss the comfort of good food, I imagine."

"Definitely." Bilbo nodded and then sighed, melancholy falling over him. "It must be hard to imagine for you now, considering you saw my pantries. But us hobbits have known hunger. It was a harsh winter and the crops failed. Not as bad as the Fell Winter, when the rivers froze over and the wolves and wargs attacked."

Besides him, Balin gasped softly. "Wolves and wargs attacked the Shire?"

Bilbo nodded solemnly. "It was before I was born but many were killed as we were left defenseless until the Rangers came. A horrible time, but it taught us valuable lessons and we aren't as unprepared now as we were then.” He finished softly, his bread now resting on his plate. Suddenly, he wasn’t hungry anymore.

"So you know how to fight?" Balin asked, not without a small hint of wonder and admiration in his voice.

"With our pitchforks? Hardly like warriors!” Bilbo huffed, shaking his head. Hobbits and fighting wasn’t a good combination. It would probably take much more hardship and misery to make them hardened warriors, considering how soft and gentle they were now compared to other folk. “But we know how to warn each other, where the strategic places are to hide and some know exactly where to lure a wolf so it will fall into a ditch. Laughable for you lot, I imagine." Bilbo said with a wry smile, for truly to the dwarves it would seem childish and simple.

“Perhaps.” Balin said carefully. Then, however, he smiled. “But our kind is not like yours. I can only imagine what those times must have been like for you and being more prepared now is no small feat.” He complimented with a small smile. “So, did they ever come?”

Bilbo blinked. “Who?”

“The wolves and the wargs. You said there was a harsh winter…” Balin trailed off politely, not wanting to push.

“Ah, no they didn’t!” He shook his head, catching on. “Thank Yavanna they didn’t.” He sighed, still feeling the relief a bit over a decade later. Then he turned his eyes down to the table. “Almost all crops failed, though. You have seen how much we eat, how much food we stock. By the start of the next winter our pantries weren’t even filled half. I shared much of my food with my gardener, Hamfast. He has quite a few children to feed and I… well, I’m just by myself. I hardly needed all that food or that amount of meals a day. The children, though, they needed it as they were still growing.” He grimaced, it had really been the most awful winter he’d experienced. Not many had died, for which they counted themselves lucky until the end of their days. But the winter had scarred many, even the smallest amongst them. “They were tough times.”

Around him, those within earshot had gone silent.

Then all of a sudden a hand landed on Bilbo’s shoulder, startling him.

He jumped a bit and looked up to see who it was. When he saw it was Dwalin, he felt shocked.

The warrior looked grim, eyes worried and lips in a thin line, almost sad. “You’re with me today, burglar.” He said, voice slightly strained. “I want ya to be able to use that toothpick at the end of t’day.” Which wasn’t an option, it was a demand and Bilbo would just have to come with him and train for yet another day. Then, however, Dwalin’s eyes softened the tiniest bit and he squeezed his hand, mumbling: “Ya never know when ya might need it.”

Suddenly Bilbo didn’t mind training with Dwalin all that much.


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all,
> 
> I'm back from my holiday (well, for a week already) and here is the next chapter! Hope everyone enjoys it.
> 
> I also wanted to let you guys know that I started writing my Hobbit Origins story. It's going to be posted as a series (or is it collection?) with individual stories that will all be a wrapped up (sort of) story. The first one will be some kind of prologue from Thranduil's POV.
> 
> Of course I'm also working on a lot of other things (Fem!Bilbo x Kili being one of them) but I'm just so excited about my Origins story!
> 
> Love you all <3

Normally when Bilbo trained with Dwalin most of the company came to watch. Either to watch for amusement or shout unhelpful tips. It was both amusing and unnerving. As trainings carried on and got tougher, though, Bilbo had started to find it more unnerving. Learning how to use his sword properly was hard enough without having almost the entire company watching.

That day, however, it was just Dwalin and him.

While he appreciated the quietness of the clearing for a change, he thought it strange. They were never alone.

So when Dwalin stopped walking, Bilbo asked with a laugh: “Where’s everyone else?”

Dwalin raised an eyebrow at him. “Today we are alone.” He merely said and pulled out one of his axes, indicating that the conversation was over and they would train now.

 

After half an hour of ducking to avoid Dwalin’s axe, swinging his own sword and getting tips thrown his way either in a grunt when he was catching his breath or shouted when he was almost cut down by the sharp edge of an axe, Dwalin called for a pause.

Bilbo breathed a relieved sigh.

While he hadn’t gotten himself killed yet – a feat in itself – he was a hobbit. He didn’t like fighting both because he felt that his body just wasn’t designed for it and because it was all about violence, whether it was to defend or to kill.

He sheathed his sword and sat down at the roots of a tree, leaning his head against the bark.

“Ya are getting better.” Dwalin commented with a little pride in his voice and a grin on his lips.

Bilbo couldn’t help but feel proud at the compliment. Dwalin didn’t give them often, he’d found. “Thanks.”

Dwalin nodded. “Ya need it, too!” He sat down next to Bilbo and gave the hobbit an almost accusing look. “Even after the quest.” He shook his head. “Who would’a thought.”

Bilbo lowered his eyes. “It’s not something we talk about.” He mumbled.

“Ya shouldn’t have ta.” Dwalin said, sounding angry. “Good folk like yerself, things like that shouldn’t happen to ya. Is unfair, ‘specially since ya can’t defend yerselves.”

Bilbo smiled sadly. He had to admit, he felt deeply touched by Dwalin’s words especially since the dwarves had had a much harder life. The Shire might have been attacked once and had dealt with a few years of bad crops but that was absolutely nothing compared to what the company had gone through. “You are good folk too, Dwalin.” He said. Perhaps the best folk he had ever met, Bilbo thought. He sighed. “What happened to you is just as unfair. If not more so!”

“But at least we can protect ourselves.” Dwalin mumbled, for a moment remembering all those who he’d known that hadn’t been able to protect themselves.

“Well, I can protect myself now.” Bilbo gave Dwalin a small smile.

Dwalin nodded and after that they sat in silence for a few moments.

Not able to let the silence hang between them for too long – it wasn’t uncomfortable, just… quiet – Bilbo said: “Not to be ungrateful, but it would’ve been faster if the entire company wasn’t watching all the time. Where are they anyway?”

Dwalin shrugged. “I dun’t know but they ain’t joining us.”

“Oh?” Bilbo raised an eyebrow. “Why not?”

“I told them to.” Dwalin stated.

Bilbo frowned. That was… very peculiar. Dwalin wanted to be alone with him? That was strange, to say the least and the only other time he’d heard that was when it involved courting couples.

Bilbo laughed. “And why is that? You are lucky I know you aren’t interested otherwise one might have very dubious ideas about this.”

Dwalin laughed. “Ya ain’t my type.” He joked with a smirk.

“Oh?” Bilbo questioned, raising an eyebrow. Two could play at that game! “So you’re more one for warriors rather than bookish types?”

“That’s not…” Dwalin started but trailed off when Bilbo chuckled. “Good one, burglar.” He grumbled. then all of a sudden he asked: “What about yerself?”

Bilbo frowned. “What about myself?”

“Yer type.” He said and while Bilbo had expected a smirk Dwalin looked serious when he said: “Doesn’t happen to be blond, young and a dwarf. Right?”

Bilbo gaped at Dwalin. “W-what?” He stammered. Dwalin knew? He felt himself blush in embarrassment before he realized Dwalin hadn’t been joking. He’d been very serious. Bilbo lowered his eyes, his mind in panic.

What exactly did Dwalin know? Or think he knew. Did he think it was just Bilbo being attracted to Fili – quite true now that Bilbo was ready to admit – or did he know that Bilbo was Fili’s One?

He didn’t want to ask to find out.

“Ya know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.” Dwalin pointed out, still looking at Bilbo with that stern expression.

“I’m not sure…” Bilbo mumbled, glancing at Dwalin and feeling very insecure. This was ridiculous! Dwalin hadn’t even said anything and already Bilbo felt like a little lad being scolded by a lass’ father for liking his daughter. How absolutely ridiculous!

“Ya sure ‘bout that?” Dwalin raised an eyebrow. “I know ya ain’t stupid, burglar.” He shook his head and pointed out: “That’s why there’s no-one here. Something’s going on between Fili and yerself and I want ta know.”

Bilbo huffed. “You want to know?”

“Yes.” Dwalin said, not offering an explanation or reason why Bilbo should tell. But his tone was firm, his eyes almost burning into Bilbo’s. “What’s going on between you two?”

Bilbo couldn’t help but frown. Dwalin could have just asked nicely! Of course, Bilbo still felt like arguing with the warrior. Telling him that it was none of his business. But this was Dwalin and Bilbo knew that even if he argued, the warrior wouldn’t back down. He’d never seen him back down and he was quite certain that this conversation wasn’t going to change that.

However, Bilbo wanted to have at least a reason why he should tell Dwalin. “Why should I tell you?”

“Would you rather have Thorin here?” Dwalin grunted, raising an eyebrow and even though he looked impatient he sounded just the tiniest bit amused.

“Not really.” Bilbo shook his head yet in his mind, breathed a sigh of relief. For even if Dwalin knew something, he now also knew that Thorin didn’t.

That was a relief.

But what was he going to tell Dwalin? The other wanted to know what was going on between Fili and himself. Well, he could tell the truth. “As for Fili… there is nothing going on.” He said, glancing at the warrior. Because while he might be Fili’s One and he was very confused about both that and his own feelings, there wasn’t anything going on. Not really.

Dwalin, however, wasn’t amused by the answer. He shook his head. “That’s what Fili said last night too. I dun’t buy it.”

Bilbo’s eyes widened.

Last night?

Dwalin had spoken to Fili last night about what was going on between them and now he was talking to Bilbo about it?

Fuck.

He took a breath, trying to get rid of the panic rising in his throat.

Dwalin, however, wasn’t done yet. “So why was Fili outside last night? What happened?”

Bilbo almost bit his tongue. Fili had been outside last night? He resisted a shudder and hoped he didn’t pale too noticeably. 

Fili had been outside last night.

That had happened after Bilbo had fallen asleep.

Which meant… Fili had been awake last night.

But when?

The panic returned now, his heard beating wildly in his chest and his hands felt sweaty. When had Fili been awake?

“Why?” He asked, his voice soft and eyes still resting on Dwalin. He coughed, trying to get his voice back and with a firmer voice asked: “Why would you think I was involved with that? In case it escaped you, I was sleeping.” All things considered, he was rather proud he had managed to say that without his voice cracking.

Dwalin’s eyes narrowed. “I have a feeling.” He stated.

“But if both Fili and myself say nothing is going on, did you consider it might be the truth?” Bilbo was ready to breathe a sigh of relief! So Dwalin didn’t know anything, merely had a hunch. That was good. Very good. At this point, he already had enough things to worry about. He didn’t also need to worry about defending himself from Dwalin.

“It better be.” Dwalin grunted.

Bilbo didn’t hear the warning, his mind already occupied by other thoughts. Thoughts of a golden haired prince that might or might not have been awake when he had kissed him.

He didn’t see the look Dwalin gave him, a look of understanding and worry.

Dwalin, son of Fundin, did not just have a hunch.

He knew.


	51. Chapter 51

Lunch was an awkward affair.

When Dwalin and Bilbo walked in, most seats were free. Bilbo was ready to bolt to the side of the table where Fili wasn't seated. He saw Kili rise, ready to wave him over but he ignored him and instead followed Dwalin, who went to sit down next to his brother.

Dwalin raised an eyebrow at the hobbit, shot Fili a look but didn't say anything.

Bilbo felt very relieved and when the two brothers started talking about the progress he was making with his sword, Bilbo started to think of a good reason why he couldn't sleep next to the two brothers that night.

Sure, he had a good reason, but now he needed one he could actually tell the others.

But what could he tell?

No reason would sound reasonable and to Fili, who might have been awake, anything would be a blatant lie. And it would be. Because Bilbo didn't really want to switch sleeping places. He was very happy sleeping next to Fili. But knowing what he'd done, that Fili might have been awake and what his feelings might be... he probably couldn't without going into a panic.

He took a deep breath.

He would need the rest of the day to figure this out.

\---

As it seemed, Bilbo didn't get the entire day to figure his things out.

For not an hour later Gandalf and Beorn marched in and all the dwarves were gathered because they needed to have a meeting.

And they did need one for Gandalf and Beorn bore bad news. For the company had been followed on their way to Beorn's house. And their hunter was bad news indeed.

For during their few days at Beorn’s they had rested too long and thought too little. They had been relieved with the lead their flight on the back of the eagles had given them and in their relief, failed to realize that eventually Azog would catch up to them.

And now he had.

Everyone seemed shocked at the news, Thorin most of all, and silence reigned for a few minutes after Gandalf had informed them.

“We need to leave.” Thorin eventually concluded.

Besides him, Balin nodded. “Indeed, as soon as possible.” He then looked at Gandalf and Beorn. “How far are they?”

Gandalf sighed. “Too close for comfort.”

Beorn, however, shook his head. “An orc is always too close for comfort.” He grunted. “These are close but not dangerously so for they have just reached the borders of my forest. However, that will not remain so for long for the wargs they ride are quick.” His eyes strayed over to Thorin, thoughtful for a moment before hardening. “They ride with purpose.”

“How will we stay ahead?” Fili wondered aloud, all eyes turning to him. “We are by foot and if they ride wargs…”

Murmurs rose up, everyone worried and Bilbo felt his heart sink. If they could not stay ahead it would end in a fight.

He shuddered. He wouldn’t be able to face Azog with raised sword again, he was sure.

“You may borrow ponies.” Beorn offered. “They are rested and strong and will carry you as fast as they can.”

Thorin nodded his head gratefully. “Your help shall not be forgotten.”

For a moment, Beorn looked amused. “You will do well in finishing your journey first, master dwarf, before making promises. The mountain is not yet yours nor are any treasures inside.”

Bilbo’s eyes widened at the rudeness of the words – and the honesty – and his eyes immediately snapped to Thorin.

As did everyone else’s eyes.

Thorin looked pained for a fleeting moment. Then, though, he raised defiant eyes to Beorn, squared his shoulders and in a deep voice promised: “It will be soon.”

Next to Bilbo, Dwalin nodded vigorously, as did most of the others.

Bilbo, too, felt hopeful although the doubt in Beorn’s eyes worried him. 

Beorn shook his head, almost like he disapproved but he said nothing of it. Instead, he turned to Gandalf. “We shall ready the ponies and we also need to find you a suitable horse.” Then he glanced at the dwarves. “You ready yourselves.”

 

When Beorn left the room with Gandalf, no-one got ready to pack. 

Instead, when the door closed behind the two, everyone turned to Thorin and silently waited for him to give them the order. 

Thorin allowed his eyes to wander over his companions with a certain softness in them.

It was in rare moments like these that Bilbo realized exactly how much Thorin actually cared for his companions.

“We will depart today.” Thorin stated. “Gather your things, I want everyone to be ready as soon as the ponies are.”

That was when the entire company jumped into action. Suddenly everyone was up and about, making their way to bedrolls to put everything in their packs and Bilbo could see Bombur and Bifur wandering off into the direction of the kitchen.

Bilbo hesitated on what to do first. Should he get his pack ready or should he follow Bombur and Bifur to the kitchen? His pack was more important but then again his hobbit senses were telling him that some food for the road was also quite essential.

He didn’t get the chance to make a decision, however, for Thorin had walked up to him and now requested him to stay. 

“Master Baggins, a moment.”

Bilbo startled only slightly but when he looked up at Thorin he frowned, feeling slightly nervous and panicked.

Was this about Fili? Would Thorin say he wasn’t worthy of his nephew? That –

“We need to be swift and quick.” Thorin stated with a sigh as he saw down at the table. His wounds had healed, but there was still an ache remaining. He looked at Bilbo and continued. “We shall ride as long as the ponies can and will only take breaks that will allow the ponies to regain their strength.”

It took a few seconds for Bilbo to find his voice, to get over the relief that this wasn’t about Fili!

“Of course.” Bilbo nodded but wondered why Thorin told him this. He hadn’t expected anything else, they wanted to get to Erebor alive, after all.

Thorin grimaced, then and when he spoke he turned his eyes away. “I know you are not the best rider amongst us.” He looked up again, catching Bilbo’s eyes and giving the other a small smile. “But I ask of you, if you cannot keep up anymore, let me know.” He shook his head with a sigh. “ I know I have not been a good leader to you, but I hope you trust me when I say I shall not call you weak. It is necessary for us to travel quickly and we are with many so sharing, if need to, can be easily done.”

Bilbo took a deep breath. He should not be offended, he knew. This was Thorin’s way of showing worry and looking out for his well-being. But he still found it hard not to take offence.

 _Useless, weak_ , he’d heard the words too many times in this short period that he didn’t feel at least a little bit suspicious.

But the offer was there and Thorin looked almost hopeful that Bilbo would trust him enough to agree.

“I will keep it in mind.” Bilbo nodded with a small smile. 

Thorin looked relieved and with a nod placed a hand atop Bilbo’s shoulder. “Please do. You are a valuable member of our company and there is no-one that wouldn’t let you ride with them.” Here, he paused and, his voice softer and more heartfelt than before, said: “Myself included.”

Bilbo’s eyes widened slightly. Thorin would let Bilbo ride with him? It wasn’t like he wanted to, but it definitely showed that much had changed!

Changes he was happy for.

“Well, that is good to know.” Bilbo mumbled, ducking his head with a small, grateful smile.

“Aye.” Thorin nodded. “Yet perhaps not Bombur, but that is just because his poor pony would wither under the added weight.”

Bilbo blinked, eyes shooting up quickly to find Thorin’s. Had the other just…?

Thorin’s eyes twinkled and he had a grin on his lips. It was small, but it was there nonetheless.

Thorin Oakenshield had made a joke! Oh how much had changed indeed, Bilbo thought and laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was this week's chapter, hope everyone enjoyed! I'm trying to speed things up a bit after this one (but I've tried many times, technically Beorn's should have been 2 or 3 chapters, so we'll see!).
> 
> I'm also almost done with the first chapter of my Hobbits Origins fic so that will go up soon! I've also made a photo-thingy for Tumblr for the chapter.
> 
> Have I shared my Tumblr with you guys yet? If I haven't you can go find it [here](http://chinadollysgraveyard.tumblr.com/)!


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for no update last week guys! I just couldn't get it done. Let's call it a short writer's block. Thursday I finally wrote again so fingers crossed it'll stay like this!
> 
> Either way, they finally left Beorn's! Who would have thought they would ever leave... This story is so getting out of hand.

When Bilbo went to retrieve his things, he found them already packed.

"Who...?" He asked and when Fili looked up with an uncertain grin, Bilbo ducked his head with a smile. "Thanks."

"Of course." Fili smiled. "Anytime."

"We even considered mixing all of our stuff up. I mean, it doesn't matter who carries what bedroll when we all end up sleeping together anyway, right?" Kili asked.

"You considered." Fili said with an amused smile, shaking his head.

A nervous laugh escaped Bilbo. Oh yes, it was good that Kili hadn’t actually packed all of their stuff randomly! Imagine how it would be like if he tried to get out of sleeping next to the brothers then. It would be hard enough – and quite disappointing – to talk himself out of it. “Well, thanks for packing either way.” Bilbo said.

“Well, someone had to while you were talking to uncle.” Fili shrugged.

“What was that about anyway?” Kili asked with a small frown, glancing to Thorin.

Fili immediately turned and hit his brother in the arm. “Kee.” He hissed.

“What?” Kili huffed. “You want to know too.”

Bilbo, albeit the rudeness of the question and the complete lack of subtleness, shook his head with a chuckle. “How did you not get killed as a child?” He asked.

Fili burst out laughing and Kili gaped at Bilbo as if he’d grown another head.

“W-what?” Kili spluttered, looking offended. “I can tell you that I’ve talked myself out of a lot of situations.”

Bilbo raised an eyebrow. “You or your brother?”

Fili chuckled and clasped Kili’s shoulder. “That would definitely be me, little brother.” He shook his head. “And you are the one to always get us into trouble.”

“Always?” Kili demanded with a huff. “That’s an exaggeration. Often, yes, but certainly not all the time! Do you remember that lass back in –”

“All right, Kee, you’ve made your point.” Fili cut in quickly, eyes shifting to Bilbo warily and a small flush on his cheeks

Meanwhile Bilbo watched the exchange with a raised eyebrow and couldn’t help but wonder about what had happened. Not that it mattered much, but he’d love to know the story if it could embarrass Fili like that.

“Good.” Kili nodded with a smug smile. “Happy we understand each other.” He then turned to Bilbo and pointed out: “And if you think that was distraction enough for me to forget my curiosity, you are wrong master hobbit.”

Bilbo rolled his eyes. Of course Kili hadn’t forgotten. “It was nothing important. We just spoke of the upcoming journey to Mirkwood.” 

“Something uncle didn’t tell us?” Kili pressed curiously.

Bilbo coughed, pushing down the blush threatening to come out at the thought of Kili knowing about the conversation. He’d never live that down, he was certain. Which, in a way, was nice knowing that Kili treated him like he did his brother. But still he would rather avoid a situation like that for his own sanity. “With reason, perhaps.” Bilbo pointed out and shook his head. “And you can guess that if Thorin does not wish to share it with you, neither do I.”

Kili gave up with a sigh and when the younger dwarf turned away to finish gathering his things Bilbo couldn’t help but grin, feeling victorious.

Besides him Fili chuckled and when Bilbo glanced up at the dwarf with a grin, their eyes caught.

For a moment, time seemed to stand still. Bilbo’s heart jumped in his chest, his breathing halted for a moment. 

When he lowered his eyes, blush on his cheeks and feeling extremely nervous now he thought: _I’m done for._

He was getting closer and closer to knowing – admitting – to what he actually felt every day.

\---

They left Beorn’s in a hurry, had to ride quick as the wind, or in this case as fast as their ponies would carry them. There wasn’t time to think about riding next to someone and of course Thorin had called for Bilbo to ride next to Dwalin and himself. They were experienced riders, after all, and Bilbo wasn’t.

Bilbo would need their expertise during the long days of riding.

That was why Bilbo was riding up front. Not at all because he was ignoring Fili.

Kili and himself had just asked Bilbo to ride with them too late, already beaten by their uncle.

That was it.

If Fili told himself that a few more times now, the ache in his heart might go away some.

 

"Did something happen?" Kili asked when they had been riding for an hour or so.

Fili shook his head. Nothing had happened that Kili could help him with and he didn’t feel like talking about it. Especially not because he’d felt an ache, almost like a longing, a need to be close to Bilbo ever since that peck on his lips.

It was a bit unnerving, knowing that if Bilbo would end up turning him down that ache would only intensify. But, he told himself, Bilbo hadn’t turned him down.

His eyes lingered for a moment on the hobbit’s back, riding at the front with uncle.

_Yet._

With a huff, Kili shook his head and nudged his pony just a tad bit closer to that of his brother. "But he's avoiding you."

Fili sighed. He knew Bilbo was avoiding him. He didn't need his brother to point out that painful fact.

Kili's eyes narrowed and with a lower voice he said: "Something happened.” It sounded accusing.

"It's nothing, Kili." Fili shook his head again. He felt guilty for not sharing with Kili. They used to share everything. They still did, just this particular thing was something Fili did not feel like discussing. Not now while they were riding out in the open and anyone in the company paying too close attention to them could overhear.

"It's not nothing and you know it." Kili shook his head, sounding more worried now.

With a soft sigh, Fili shrugged. "It's his choice anyway."

"Maybe he just misunderstands something. Hobbits and dwarves, you know?” Kili tried to reason, to cheer his brother up even though he didn’t really know what was wrong.

Fili felt touched by his brother’s concern and his attempt to make him feel better. But right now, it did not have the desired effect. "Kee... just let it go."

Kili hadn't seen his brother this dejected - or was it perhaps rejected? - in a long time. He didn't like it, he thought as his eyes settled on Bilbo’s back.

\---

Night was falling and even though he’d slept quite a lot at Beorn’s and rested ‘till the point he was certain he was fit again, Bilbo felt drained.

It was most likely because they were riding for such long times an end at a quick pace to match. 

He wasn’t used to that. Had only barely been able to ride an entire days worth on a slow pace with breaks in-between let alone this. His entire body hurt, he felt a new kind of sore he would hate to feel again and thankfully the horse was doing the walking for he surely would have collapsed by now!

This all, however, didn’t go unnoticed.

“Master Baggins.” Thorin said, voice soft so not everyone would hear straight away.

“I’m…” _Fine._ But that wouldn’t cut it. Bilbo sighed. “I need to decide who to ride with first.” He said instead.

Thorin frowned, but seemed to understand Bilbo’s reluctance to give up and stall, if only shortly. “As you wish. I would suggest you ride with one of my nephews. They are amongst the lightest of the company but better riders than some others.” He advised.

Bilbo nodded, smile on his lips although it didn’t reach his eyes. Thorin didn’t seem to notice, for he nodded as well and turned back to the road ahead.

Dwalin, however, did and he gave Bilbo a look that the hobbit couldn’t decipher.

But he still remembered the conversation he’d had with the warrior and couldn’t help but wonder what the other was thinking now. Probably that Bilbo would just love to ride together with Fili so they could be close. Because wasn’t that what Dwalin thought was going on?

He couldn’t be more wrong.

Bilbo didn’t dare to be close to Fili now. He’d fidget, blush and would probably end up saying stupid things, hurtful things and aside from that he would be reminded of the kiss all the time.

So riding with Fili wasn’t an option.

But he could hardly not take Thorin’s advice.

So after a few minutes of riding, he softly admitted: “Perhaps now is the time to call for Kili.”


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm not very happy with the chapter truth be told. But I can't change it, I've tried and it doesn't become better so I'll leave this here and we'll just forget about it.
> 
> No update next week, probably! I'll be visiting Ajir <3

Fili didn’t know whether to be upset or relieved that Bilbo was riding with Kili.

Riding with BIlbo wouldn’t go well, most likely. The mere thought of Bilbo sitting at his front made him more nervous and excited than he should be.

But the fact that Bilbo chose to ride with Kili stung. The fact it was his brother that helped the hobbit onto his pony and sit at his chest rather than Fili’s made the other’s hands itch. Not because his brother could, in any way, be interested in Bilbo, no. But because it wasn’t _him_.

But he didn’t have the right to call Bilbo out on it – or did he, with that kiss? – nor would it be fair. If Bilbo had wanted to ride with him he would have simply chosen to do so. Instead, the message was bold and clear although Fili wasn’t completely sure what to understand.

Was this rejection?

 

Kili looked at him from over his shoulder and beckoned him over.

For a moment, Fili considered. Then he shook his head. He would not have a good time at all, riding next to his brother and Bilbo. So he opted to simply ride next to Ori instead, looking quite gloomy and unapproachable.

\---

Kili was shocked when his uncle waved him over and told him Bilbo was to be riding with him until they reached Mirkwood.

_Have you gone insane?!_ He’d wanted to yell at the hobbit, as well as inform the other that his own brother was very much more interested in riding with him.

But Bilbo had glanced nervously at Fili before settling his eyes on the spot in front of Kili and the dwarf wondered, almost in panic, what had happened to make Bilbo look so forlorn.

First Fili and now Bilbo. Kili knew some thought he wasn’t the smartest but he wasn’t dumb by any means. Besides, this couldn’t be more glaringly obvious. 

And suddenly riding with Bilbo didn’t seem so bad. Because if Fili didn’t want to share, perhaps Bilbo did. Fili knew him and his questions too well anyway and so far Bilbo had proven quite easy to convince. Not that he wanted to know, but someone had to help these two idiots for they certainly weren’t doing themselves any favors!

 

But his ideas, his planning changed a bit when Fili refused to join them. When even, after at least an hour of riding, Fili refused to join them.

It wasn’t like his brother to avoid situations like this. 

It meant either Fili had done something, or Bilbo had. And Kili was certain that if it had been his brother that had done something stupid he wouldn’t have been able to keep it to himself. Emotional hurt, however, Fili never shared, preferring to keep it to himself until it exploded.

So it was Bilbo that had done something.

In that case, it was very good he was riding with the hobbit.

\--

Riding with Kili was incredibly awkward.

Riding alone had already taken a long time to get used to. But riding with another, not having the control – to whatever degree Bilbo had control of the pony anyway – and feeling someone at your back was quite unnerving at first.

Even more so when he noticed Fili didn’t join them and Kili got more silent after that.

This was going to be a long ride, he thought, even without the hunting party following them.

 

“So…” Kili suddenly murmured suddenly, his voice soft and low so only Bilbo could hear. “What did you do?”

Bilbo startled slightly when he was spoken to. He tried to look back at Kili – knocking his head against the other’s chest, not a good idea – and shook his head with a frown. “Nothing that is of your concern.”

While before he might have stuttered and tried to pretend he didn’t know what Kili was talking about, now he was just getting fed up with everyone trying to stick their noses into his business!

Kili sighed. “I would hate for him to get hurt.”

So this was about Fili possibly getting hurt again? He could understand Kili didn’t want that for his brother but he still couldn’t help but be annoyed. “What I’m doing now is to make sure he doesn’t get hurt.” Bilbo said tartly with an off-handed shrug. Then, however, he paused for a moment before sighing. “Or if he should, as little as possible.” He added softly.

Kili gasped in understanding. “You know.” He simply stated.

“Aye.” Bilbo nodded. He didn’t need to ask for clarification, he knew what Kili was referring to.

_You know you are Fili’s One._

Kili hesitated. “And you… don’t?”

Sighing, it was Bilbo’s turn to hesitate before he said: “Let’s just say I am on very unfamiliar territory.”

“So there is a chance?” Kili was quick to ask, sounding hopeful and somewhat excited.

“Yes.” Bilbo nodded. There was a chance for he was very much aware that his biggest obstacle at this point was his own mind. So far, his mind had seemed to change a lot when it came to Fili. For who would have thought that Bilbo would ever be contemplating love?

Kili chuckled giddily. “That’s good.” He nodded, suddenly full of excitement. “Very good. would it help if I shared stories with you about him?”

Bilbo raised an eyebrow at that. It was good that Kili was being less suspicious towards him now even though he was obviously trying to convince Bilbo now that Fili was worth it. Bilbo, however, couldn’t find himself to mind. Perhaps some stories would persuade him to finally make up his mind.

“Like embarrassing childhood stories?” Bilbo asked with a laugh.

Kili laughed. “Well I’d be the perfect person to tell.” He joked and started to tell Bilbo all about the times Fili got scared of something – and Kili didn’t – and of the times Fili had made a fool out of himself – certainly not due to anything Kili did.

Bilbo loved it and as he heard more and more stories about Fili’s childhood, another part of his heart melted.

\---

They arrived at Mirkwood the next morning.

Throughout the night they had rested for a few hours, to allow the ponies to eat and drink and get a rest. But during the largest part of the night, they rode and that meant that they arrived at Mirkwood early in the morning, perhaps even earlier than expected.

Bilbo scrambled off of the pony somewhat awkwardly, kicking Kili a few times in the process and purposefully apologizing for it. 

Kili merely laughed and patted Bilbo’s shoulder. “It is bound to happen.” 

He then turned around and Bilbo, curiously, followed his gaze.

His eyes landed on Fili, standing next to Ori and looking at Kili and himself with a frown. 

Bilbo lowered his eyes, feeling slightly guilty.   
Kili, however, huffed and patted Bilbo’s shoulder. “I will go tell my brother I didn’t accidentally made you fall in love with me.” He joked, leaving a spluttering Bilbo behind.

 

Bilbo eventually turned away from the two brothers.

But as he looked at Mirkwood, he could not help but feel scared, thinking that he did not want to set a single foot into the forest.

It was a sick place, he thought as he walked closer, filled with a daunting feeling yet curious at the same time. What had happened here? It was something bad, for the ground under his feet felt tainted, the mere air was thick and then there were the trees. Now that he was paying attention, he noticed that they felt wrong, sick in a way he had never felt a tree being before. It was like there was a darkness festering inside of them, eating at them.

He reached for one of the trees, placing his hand onto the bark, which had a grey sheen to it.

_Come, come, bring it to us!_

Bilbo gasped, eyes widening at the voices suddenly echoing through his head. He pulled his hand away, feeling very much like he just got burned and stumbled back.

_What_ was that!


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am totally not rushing through my Mirkwood scenes. Not at all. What gives you that idea?
> 
> I do hope I got the vibe down okay, though! :)

“Bilbo?”

Bilbo startled, yelped even. He’d been so caught in his thoughts, his shock, that he hadn’t heard Gandalf near until the wizard was right behind him.

He looked at Gandalf with wide eyes and he needed a moment to get his heart under control and get his thoughts in order.

The trees just spoke to him. Trees didn’t do that! Even sick, a forest shouldn’t be able to talk unless they were ents. And these were normal trees, not ents! So was something else at play?

Bilbo’s hand instinctively went to his pocket. The one where he had his ring.

“Are you all right?” Gandalf questioned, his eyebrows drawn together in a worried frown as he leaned against his staff and studied Bilbo.

“I am… well,” Bilbo swallowed, turned his eyes away for a second and sighed. It was his ring, wasn’t it? He looked back at Gandalf. “I was going to tell you… I found something in the goblin tunnels.”

As Gandalf’s frown deepened and his old friend looked slightly suspicious Bilbo fidgeted. “Found what?”

This was a bad idea, wasn’t it? They had so many things to worry about and his silly ring certainly shouldn’t be one of them. Besides, what kind of ridiculous idea was it anyway, that the ring made the trees talk? Magic ring or no, that was just impossible.

“Bilbo, what did you find?” Gandalf pressed.

Bilbo took a deep breath and pressed his lips together as he looked up at Gandalf. “My courage.” He said, placing his hands on his hips with a nod.

For a moment, Gandalf looked taken aback. Then, he chuckled. “Good.” He bobbed his head. “That’s good.” Then he turned serious and sighed before telling Bilbo: “You’ll need it.”

Bilbo couldn’t agree more. Now if only he had actually found his courage, a lot of issues – Fili – would have been solved already.

\---

The start of their journey through Mirkwood was better than the company expected.

Granted, Gandalf had left them on what Bilbo now called important-wizard-business but it didn’t change the fact that there was still light filtering through the thick ceiling of leaves and they hadn’t run into any sort of dangerous animal yet. Nor any elves, for that matter.

It was also quite obvious that Azog’s company would never be able to travel across these paths quickly.

So as wary as they were, they were also optimistic.

All but Bilbo.

He was still very much aware that something was dreadfully wrong with this forest and even though he didn’t know what could possibly happen, he was almost plastered to Bofur’s side nonetheless.

“You ‘kay?” Bofur asked eventually.

“Yeah, fine.” Bilbo nodded although it was obvious he was lying.

“Right.” Bofur nodded. “Shouldn’t ya be walking with Fili?”

Bilbo’s eyes found the back of Fili’s head easily. After hearing Kili’s childhood stories about Fili, Bilbo had felt a fondness settle in his heart. There wasn’t a flicker of doubt left in his mind that Fili was certainly someone he would be happy to love. And whereas before thoughts such as _“I can’t love”_ weighed on his mind now it were questions like _“is this feeling enough?”_. 

Love in the romantic sense of the word hadn’t been something defined for him. He had loved family and friends, but that was different from the love he should have felt when courting someone. But it had always been _should have felt_ and now he was confused whether what he felt weighed up to Fili’s feelings.

But ever since they entered Mirkwood, his thoughts had turned darker. He had not only started to doubt his own feelings but Fili’s as well. How could the other be certain he was his One, after all? And if that turned out to be the case, where would that leave Bilbo?

Bilbo was convinced it was the sickness of the trees that was influencing his feelings. He seemed to be the only one bothered after all.

Yet with his feelings in disarray due to this freaky forest, he would rather avoid Fili to avoid something happening he would surely regret.

But how could he explain this to Bofur?

“Bilbo? Lad, ya sure ya ‘kay?” Bofur asked, placing a hand on Bilbo’s shoulder and peering at him worriedly.

Bilbo startled. “Ah, I’m –” he looked around, at the trees and hesitated. “The trees feel weird.”

Bofur frowned. “Well, they look it for sure. Is… uhm, feeling trees a hobbit thing?”

Bilbo huffed a laugh. “I guess it is.”

Bofur didn’t ask about Fili again.

\---

Later, at night, the trees started to effect the others. Or well, Bilbo thought it was night. He couldn’t be sure, truth be told. The roof of leaves above them was now so thick and vast one could only see leaves. So whether it was the leaves blocking light or not one couldn’t know. But he guessed it was night as the temperature had dropped and his legs did feel like he had walked all day.

But he noticed it, how he wasn’t the only one feeling strange anymore. The others got wary, often proclaiming the thought they were being watched and when they passed a tree that looked like one they had passed twice before, murmurs rose about them being lost.

“Thorin was never good with directions anyway.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time he leads a group astray.”

“Idiot got lost in the Shire. Twice.”

“Hey, that rock looks familiar, doesn’t it?”

“Everyone, shut up!” Thorin snapped, turning to his companions with a shout.

Everyone was shocked at the reaction, freezing in their place and watching their now angered leader.

“I know exactly where we are going.”

Bilbo sighed, rubbed the side of his face and shook his head with a “tut”.

Thorin’s anger turned to him and when he spoke, his voice was like ice: “Yes, master Baggins?”

Bilbo a hand on his hips and waved the other around in the air with an exasperated sigh. “If you know where we are going, then where is the path?”

Thorin paled as he looked around, eyes searching frantically.

Next to Bilbo Bofur just shook his head, mumbling: “Told ya.”

Bilbo just couldn’t help but feel like perhaps, they were in deeper trouble than the realized.

\---

As it turned out, they were in deeper trouble than they realized.

Bombur – and _why_ Bombur and not Ori, for Yavanna’s sake! – had fallen into some enchanted river and wouldn’t wake up anymore.

Everyone was in a downright panic for a few moments then.

What kind of forest was this?! They wondered.

Bilbo agreed full-heartedly and was relieved that finally he wasn’t the only one that felt something was very wrong with them – although losing the path and never finding it again had raised some suspicions already.

 

_Then_ they had to cross the river.

Of course Bilbo had to go first.

Of course they would risk _his_ life over any others and _of course_ he almost fell in because his brain stopped working for a second.

And of bloody course every single one of the dwarves started crawling and jumping over the branches _all together_ rather than wait for one to pass and then for another to follow.

Pig-headed, that was what they were Bilbo thought, filled with an irritation and anger he’d never felt before.

It shocked him, really. 

Were it the trees?

Or…

He’d found that his hands ached, fingers almost constantly brushing over his pocket. It was almost like he needed to re-assure himself that he still had it.

His ring.

 

He didn’t get long to ponder that thought, though.

“Spiders!” Someone shouted.

Bilbo resisted the urge to sigh.

As if things weren’t bad enough.


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for skipping a week! This was a horrendous chapter to write. I don't know why, but I'm happy the company is now in the dungeons! Much easier to write. I should also try and figure out what exactly is going to happen after they get out... What do you exepct will happen?
> 
> Also, I'm so excited! Next month is NaNo WriMo and I'm going to write my zombie novel! I've done so much planning and research for it and I'm finally going to write it next month... Yay!
> 
> Anyway, onwards to the chapter! Hope it's not too bad...

The spiders were an absolute nightmare.

They were vicious, quick and had all the dwarves caught before anyone really had the time to protect themselves.

All except for Bilbo.

He had his ring and had the mind to slip it on when the fighting started. He’d hid, not knowing what to do in his panic and with voices whispering inside his head and the spiders looming at the other side of the tree he’d been absolutely terrified. Even more so when he realized that he was the only one not caught by the spiders and about to be eaten. Alive.

A shaky breath and quick prayer later Bilbo found himself running over tree branches, distracting the spiders and cutting down his companions from trees.

There was so much adrenaline rushing through his veins he didn’t do much thinking.

It wasn’t until most of the spiders had either fled or were searching for their invisible Sting in a completely different direction that Bilbo started thinking again.

Of course, all his thoughts were filled with panic and worry.

He didn’t realize it at first, cutting open cocoon after cocoon, but even subconsciously he was only looking for one dwarf.

_Fili_

With every dwarf he freed that wasn’t Fili, he felt a disappointment go through him and his panic flare just a bit higher.

But then, finally, he cut open another cocoon and recognized Fili.

For a moment the world seemed to stand still and he felt such relief wash over him at seeing the blond dwarf. It was shocking, really, and Bilbo’s fingers trembled as he started pulling the cobwebs away from Fili’s face.

Fili’s face was pale, his eyes closed and the sudden stab of loss and panic that shot through him scared Bilbo. 

“Fili!” He cried in panic as he ripped more cobwebs away.

After what felt like an eternity Fili groaned and blinked open his eyes.

Bilbo’s breathing stopped in his throat for a second, relief flooding over him and he clenched a trembling hand against Fili’s shoulder. “You’re awake.” 

Fili looked drowsy and disorientated when he pushed himself up. “What happened?” He asked with a frown and then, panicked, asked: “Where is Kili?”

Bilbo’s eyes widened slightly. He hadn’t found Kili yet! He looked around frantically, hoping to find the other. Thankfully, he did and with a sigh of relief he pointed towards Kili as he said: “He’s over there.”

Relief washed over Fili at knowing that his brother was safe. Then his attention turned back to Bilbo. “And you?” He reached out a hand to touch Bilbo’s arm. “You’re not covered in cobwebs.” He then noticed, sounding slightly confused.

“I hid.” Bilbo admitted, changing the truth only a little bit but feeling very much a coward for it. He had hid, after all, while the others had been fighting. 

“I’m relieved.” Fili said, as if reading Bilbo’s mind. “Can you imagine what would have happened if you’d been caught as well?” He asked softly with a soft yet worried smile on his lips.

 

“The spiders!” Someone suddenly shouted and within seconds they were back to the chaos from before.

Fili jumped up, albeit a bit unsteadily and immediately pushed Bilbo to his back. “Stay behind me.” He said and then, sounding slightly scared and a tad bit desperate, added: “I don’t know what you did before but do it again. If you’d get caught…”

Bilbo almost gasped at the heartfelt comment but before he knew quite what was going on the spiders rushed into the clearing.

He stumbled backwards when Fili moved and he tripped.

With a curse he fell backwards onto the ground, wincing at the pain shooting through him.

He scrambled back a bit, trying to get out of the way of the fighting and that’s when he saw _what_ he had tripped over.

An insect.

A centipede only one that was half of Bilbo’s size.

One that had _teeth_ and was about to attack him!

With a panicked shriek Bilbo managed to get to his feet and without thinking about anything, turned and ran. 

The dreadful creature gave chase and Bilbo’s breathing was hitched and his movements clumsy as he stumbled over the forest ground in his haste to get away from that, that thing.

He ran, feeling scared and hunted and reached into his pocket for his ring. His ring would hide him, make him invisible so he could escape.

That’s when his blood ran cold.

It was gone.

His ring was gone!

A panic like he’d never felt before settled over him and he turned around, frantically searching for his ring.

That’s when he saw it, right underneath that filthy animal. The insect that was now trying to steal his ring!

A darkness, a possessiveness and anger washed over him and before Bilbo could stop himself he rushed forward and stabbed the centipede until it was nothing but a still, dead mass on the ground.

Then, just for good measure, he stabbed it again before picking up his ring.

“This is mine.” He spat at the insect.

That’s when the elves came.

\---

Fili was seething.

He tightly gripped the bars of his cell, glaring at the elf that had just taken his last knife from him. Not just any knife, he thought bitterly. It was the knife his own mother had forged for him, a traditional coming-of-age gift from a parent to their child if their chosen path was that of a warrior. Heir to the throne Fili might be, but when he turned of age any hope for a throne was futile nor did they have the money for a gifts such as necklaces or crowns of gold inlayed with gems. His knife had been one of his most treasured possessions for a long time and to have it taken away angered him beyond anything else.

He did not hold the same hatred towards elves as his uncle did but the Mirkwood elves weren’t doing themselves any favors. Capturing them, taking their weapons and locking them away like low-class criminals. 

They had been treated with a lot of disrespect in their life, but never before had they been locked up like this. All in separate cells and, now that Fili thought about it, with no idea how the rest of the company was doing.

He pressed himself against the bars of his cell, face against cold metal and he softly called: “Who’s next to me?”

“Bofur.” Came from his left.

“Gloin.” Came from his right.

“And the others?” He asked, feeling worried. He hadn’t seen everyone taken into captivity in the chaos. Especially his brother, who had been almost killed. “Kili and uncle, are they…?”

“Fine lad.” Gloin huffed. “Everyone is, I think.”

“Thank Mahal.” Fili breathed, feeling relieved. It was good to hear the company was all okay, but especially Kili and his uncle. If something were to happen to one of them…

Fili’s relief, however, was short lived.

“All dwarves are fine, at least.” Bofur said, sounding worried and tense.

Fili was about to reply that that was supposed to be good when his mind froze.

_Bilbo_

“Fuck, no!” He swore, unable to stop himself. 

“Lad…” Glin said, voice hushed. A warning for Fili to remain as quiet as possible.

“Nothing is sure yet.” Bofur added, his words offering Fili comfort. If only for a bit.

Bofur was right. Bilbo had surprised them many times. Had come back from the death before…

But Fili’s hands still trembled and he felt cold all of a sudden. It was the same feeling as he had after goblin town. When he thought Bilbo to be lost.

He takes a unsteady step back and falls against the wall of his cell. The cold stone brings him little comfort, but at least it feels like he’s inside a mountain. When he closes his eyes, he can almost imagine being home with Kili and his mother. When things weren’t so fucked up.


	56. Chapter 56

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I'm going to say about this chapter is "fucking finally"!

Fili sat in the shadows at the back of his cell, his blank stare directed at the wall.

He’d been there when one of the elves had brought him breakfast and he was still there now.

“You didn’t eat.” The elf commented. A female.

Fili didn’t reply. What could he tell her? That he wasn’t hungry and that even looking at food made him feel like crying? No. It was none of her business.

He ignored her.

He heard her step into the cell and pause before her clothing rustled as she squatted down to put something down onto the ground. Or pick it up, he wasn’t sure. “Are you not hungry? Do you think this will change anything?” She continued to ask and Fili continued to ignore.

_How dare she?_ He thought. They locked them in cells, behind bars. They should have left them in the forest with the spiders if this was all they were going to do! At least then he would know where Bilbo was. Would have had a chance to protect…

Fili clenched his hands into fists.

The she-elf didn’t seem to notice. “The others are eating. I could give your food to someone else, if you’re not hungry.” She offered. A kindness.

Fili, however, panicked.

“No!” He hissed and his head snapped to the she-elf squatted down at the front of his cell. “No.” He added, softer now and he felt his breath shake. 

_He will be hungry when he comes._ He thought. _If he comes._ A darker part of his mind added. He’d tried to ignore it, not to listen. But now, he couldn’t stop it. Now, he’d thought it and a tremble went through his body before a cold settled over him.

What if he’d never see Bilbo again?

He swallowed. He couldn’t think of this now. Couldn’t cry with that elf watching him!

He raised his eyes, watery and red, and with a trembling voice said: “It is my food, please leave it.”

For a moment, the she-elf seemed frozen in place. She watched Fili with calculating eyes and then suddenly smiled sadly. She nodded, stood up and turned to leave and lock the cell again. “Please eat. We are not trying to starve you, there is no need of fear food will not come on the morrow.”

“If not for death, why keep us here?” Fili shot back, unable to stop himself. But oh how he wanted to be outside, to find his Bilbo and hold the hobbit in his arms, kiss his curls and never let go again.

To Fili’s surprise, the she-elf sighed and, as she walked away, wondered aloud: “Why indeed.”

\---

Going around Thranduil’s cells was just so frustrating!

The lay-out was confusing at best and the paths were so narrow that going over them was dangerous even with his ring! For if he’d run into an elf there was very little space available for him to actually avoid bumping into anyone walking in his way.

 

The dwarves were scattered over the dungeons, it seemed. He’d found Ori and Dori – the latter extremely grateful to be so close to his brother. Both had been shocked to see – well, hear – Bilbo but relieved nonetheless. Where is Nori, where are the others, how are we going to get out? They asked and Ori also asked how he was doing, did he find enough food? The worry was heartwarming, their questions about the others went unanswered for Bilbo just simply didn’t know. They didn’t seem to know either, he found when he asked. Dwarves were nearby them, yes, for they’d heard them talking but other than that they knew as little as Bilbo did. But at least he’d found the two brothers and he lingered just a tad bit too long in the end – almost caught, he got – because it was so nice to just talk to someone. Even if it wasn’t the dwarf he wanted to talk to.

 

That night he nicked some bread from the kitchen as the kingdom slept and found himself a tiny nook to crawl into. Sleep was on his mind but that’s where it stayed.

The world his ring plunged him into was dark and cold. It was tiring, to wear his ring. It drained him of his energy. Not only that, it seemed to drain his hope. He felt absolutely miserable and that night, sitting against cold stone that brought him little comfort except for a dull reminder of a certain dwarf, he entertained the horrible thought of being stuck there forever.

 

The second day was better for he had Ori and Dori to talk to. Plus, he managed to find Bombur, Dwalin and Oin. It was nice, slowly locating everyone because it made him feel less useless. Although that feeling was temporary, halting when questions arose if he’d found Thorin and when he was going to get them out. He was met with a disappointed face every time he said he was working on that.

“What ‘bout Fili?” Dwalin asked that evening, when Bilbo was about to turn around and find his hiding spot again to sleep.

Bilbo felt taken aback at the question, at the worry behind it. He frowned, even though Dwalin couldn’t see it while Bilbo wore his ring. “Haven’t found him yet.” He sighed dejectedly. If there was someone he wished he’d find quickly…

“Not good.” Dwalin shook his head with a deep sigh. 

Bilbo frowned. “Why?”

Dwalin gave the blank space in front of him a pointed stare. “Ya weren’t brought in with us. Ya could be outside.”

Bilbo swallowed thickly. _Oh_. “Left for dead.” He mumbled, feeling his heart sink. He didn’t think about how Dwalin knew a lot more than he was saying. All he could think of was what Fili must be thinking. Feeling. 

If he thought he’d lost his One…

“Aye.” Dwalin sighed. “Go sleep an’ find him in the morning.” He pushed, both looking and sounding worried for both Bilbo and Fili.

Bilbo nodded, although it felt forced. He felt worried, heartbroken, thinking of Fili now. He’d have to find the other! He had to let Fili know that he was alive…

 

That night, huddled into the same nook as the night before Bilbo thought of Fili.

He thought of how Fili must feel, thinking him dead and his heart bled for the blond prince.

He thought of tears that would linger in Fili’s eyes, the dwarf too prideful to let them fall and instead Bilbo let his own tears fall from his eyes for Fili.

He thought of losing Fili like Fili thought he had lost him and he couldn’t. He couldn’t imagine a part of his life – any part of his life – where Fili wasn’t there, eyes affectionate and with that soft smile on his lips. Because he had been willfully blind, but that was how Fili looked at him. His eyes always filled with something more when they rested on Bilbo, his touches always lingering as he brushed by or handed something over.

And Bilbo knew.

Knew what he had known for a long time but hadn’t been able to admit. Knew that _this_ was no longer something he couldn’t – didn’t dare – name.

He, however unexpected and in his own eyes presumably impossible, was in love.

Fili had come into his life and had stolen his heart.

He tried not to think too much about it. To not let his thoughts wonder off to panic and negativity as it always had before.

Not now that he knew. Not now he felt as if a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. Not now he felt warm and happy not unlike the other times when he’d thought about Fili, but now it had a name.

And he would certainly not allow himself to think negatively about his feelings now that he was alone, hiding in a corner while in his own corner, Fili believed him to be dead.

And when he closed his eyes, he dreamt of blue eyes, golden hair and strong arms wrapped tightly around him.


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a work getting this up! No update this weekend, I'm in France for a short holiday <3

Day three in Thranduil’s cells and Fili wished he was dead.

He’d eaten a few pieces of bread, drank a bit more but still minimally – which was good considering he didn’t have a place to take a piss other than a corner – and his sleep was restless.

All he could think about was Bilbo.

Being in the dungeons didn’t do him so much. Not knowing where his One was, if even still alive, was killing him slowly.

He sat in the corner of his cell, staring at the wall and more and more tears filled up his eyes. He sat, body cold, hands clenched and didn’t even notice his hunger as he refused to let his tears fall. If he did, if he cried, it would mean he’d accept the fact Bilbo was gone. And while the odds of that being the case were growing bigger every day, he wasn’t sure yet.

So Fili wouldn’t cry.

 

Suddenly Fili was roused from his thoughts by soft noises outside his cell.

He could hear Bofur, his voice a soft murmur but the excitement was clear.

Hope flared – but it couldn’t be, right? – Fili stood up and crossed the small distance to the bars of his cell.

“On the right.” He heard Bofur say, followed by “glad ya’re here.”

Then, nothing. 

Fili stood pressed against the bars of his cell, peering out and hoping to catch a sight of who Bofur was talking to – _Bilbo?!_

But there was no-one there and Fili took a shaky breath to swallow down his disappointment. For a moment he’d thought…

“Fili.”

Fili gasped and jumped back when he heard the whisper of his name in that familiar voice. But there was nothing in front of his cell but empty space and Fili shook his head, heart sinking and hands clenched into fists.

He knew his mother had been devastated after the loss of his father and he’d heard his uncle and Dwalin murmur sometimes how it had nearly killed her. But he had never heard of her going insane.

And here he was.

“Fili, it’s me.” Bilbo’s voice sounded again, closer to the bars this time.

Fili shook his head. “I know who you are. There is only one person that can do this to me.”

Insane. What would happen after this? Fili wondered. It could only get worse.

An exasperated sigh. Then: “Don’t be daft.”

“Daft? I’m talking to empty space.” Fili felt a laugh escape him. Because truly, what else could he do? “Insane.”

“Insane? Oh please don’t be melodramatic.” Bilbo’s voice snorted and oh did it sound like him!

Then, however, Bilbo appeared in front of his cell. Pale skin, dark bags under his eyes and so alarmingly thin. But it was Bilbo nonetheless.

Fili felt a rush of emotions surge through his body. Shock, happiness and relief were all prominently there but none of those felt anything like the feeling of being whole again. His hands shook, his entire body sagged like a bag of grain and he just knew he had tears in his eyes.

“Bilbo.” Fili breathed and for a moment everything seemed to be right in the world. 

Bilbo alive and perhaps not so well but alive. His heart sung and his soul was overflowing with the love he knew he held for Bilbo.

For a moment Bilbo watched Fili with sad eyes. Then, he smiled with eyes full of relief and stepped forward, so close to the bars he almost touched them. “See, I’m right here.” He murmured softly.

A nervous laugh escaped Fili. “Yeah.” He replied. Then he finally reached out his hand. His hands shook and perhaps, perhaps he shouldn’t touch Bilbo because then he’d give it all away. 

But he had to.

He had to feel that Bilbo was real and when he softly and carefully stroked a finger down Bilbo’s cheek he closed his eyes for a moment in relief, small smile on his lips.

Bilbo gasped softly at the touch and he looked up until their eyes caught. He had an unreadable expression on his face and he raised his hand to cover Fili’s outstretched one.

“Fili,” he breathed.

\---

Bilbo’s heart soared when he found Bofur and was told by his friend that Fili was, in fact, in the cell next to his. But when he saw Fili standing at the bars, his skin pale and his eyes heartbroken Bilbo just froze.

He looked worse than Bilbo had expected and it tore at his heart. He’d felt like this before, just wanting to gather Fili in his arms only now he recognized the feeling for what it was.

And then Fili started talking about going insane!

Sure, he understood considering he was invisible but insane? He was torn between wanting to hug the other or wanting to shake him.

Instead, though, he took off his ring.

The reaction was instant.

The disbelief and relief that washed over Fili just warmed Bilbo’s heart and when the other whispered his name in that soft, broken voice Bilbo almost cringed.

How much must Fili have hurt to look like this? Bilbo thought, stepping forward. He still wanted to reach out and hug Fili. Certainly now although perhaps he didn’t have to. Fili knew he was alive and Bilbo could not help but smile. “See I’m right here.”

“Yeah,” Fili laughed, although it wasn’t so carefree as before. But it was still a laugh and Bilbo was happy to hear it.

Then, Fili reached out and gently stroked a finger down his cheek.

Bilbo gasped at the touch, felt his heart soar at Fili’s small smile and his own hands shake as the other looked so serene and relieved having closed his eyes.

When Fili looked at him again, there was a lump in his throat. 

He was torn. Now that he knew his feelings were love he wanted nothing more than to tell Fili. To share his feelings. But he knew this wasn’t the time nor the place.

So instead of speaking, he raised a hand of his own, placing it over Fili’s and relishing in the feeling of touching the other. “Fili,”

At Bilbo’s soft murmur Fili seemed to startle. He pulled back his hand and flushed slightly. “Sorry.” He mumbled, lowering his eyes. “It’s just…” He paused, taking a shaky breath. “I thought you were gone.”

Bilbo smiled sadly, thinking back to his thoughts of the night before. “I know.” He whispered and reached out a hand of his own, placing it on top of the one Fili had clenched around the bars of his cell. “I know.”

For a moment, Fili was silent, merely watching Bilbo’s hand over his. Then the sadness in his eyes changed for worry and he looked up at Bilbo. “But you’re here. How are you doing? You look…” He trailed off a bit uncertainly.

“Horrible.” Bilbo stated. “I can stay invisible with my ring and I’m trying to find the others but it’s not going fast…” He sighed. “I steal some food here and there but –”

“I’ve got food.” Fili interrupted, brightening in his apparent worry. He pulled away from the bars to grab a piece of bread from a plate on the ground. Around it several more plates that made Bilbo’s stomach growl at just seeing them. Fili handed Bilbo the bread with an almost bashful smile. “They give us food. I saved you some knowing you’d be hungry.”

Bilbo grinned at both the food and the gesture. Fili saved him food even though he thought him lost? How could he not have seen how much he loved this dork! He thought as he wolfed down the bread with a few bites.


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG guys, remember me? I'm not dead! I just did Nano and it was so tough this year I didn't have any time to post anything at all...
> 
> Now I'm back although I have to admit this chapter isn't quite what I want it to be. I've gotten a bit out of touch with the story since I wrote a lot of other fanfictions during Nano but let's hope getting back to it now will help!
> 
> So, how do you like this chapter? Let me know, I want to hear your thoughts and speculations! <3

That day Bilbo didn’t find any more dwarves.

He lingered at Fili’s cell for longer than he should and when he finally pulled himself away feeling happy and stomach full, the light was already dimming.

He passed Gloin on his way back to his shelter for the night. They talked shortly, Gloin mentioning how happy he was to see Bilbo and commenting on how long he’d stayed with Fili.

Bilbo was very proud of himself that he kept a straight face as he said he’d been eating.

Gloin’s “Of course ya were, lad” didn’t sound like he believed Bilbo. But his smile said he was at least a little happy for him.

Which, considering how much of an old-fashioned dwarf Gloin was, was a positive thing. Perhaps he’d have a good chance of Thorin not killing him for loving Fili.

\---

Trapped he might be, but that evening Fili was perhaps the happiest he’d been ever since the beginning of their journey.

Bilbo was alive, remotely well and things had felt good between them. Nothing remained of the ignoring Bilbo had done before. Perhaps it had been not seeing each other for a while but then again that still didn’t explain Bilbo’s change of heart. Either way, whatever had caused it was gone now and Fili was happy for it.

 

Later, when the she-elf came with his food he was actually hungry.

When she stood in front of his cell with his food on a plate she frowned. “You ate.”

Fili, sitting cross-legged on his blanket resisted the urge to laugh at her frown. Probably wondering where he’d gotten the appetite from. “I was hungry.”

The she-elf snorted. “Truly now?”

“Truly.” Fili replied, trying to keep a grin off of his face.

The elf didn’t seem to believe him and when she opened his cell to put down his food she glanced at him, almost casually saying: “We have cooks complaining food goes missing.”

Fili laughed at the comment, chuckling when she closed his cell again and raised an eyebrow at him.

“And I left my cell how exactly?”

The she-elf merely hummed and left.

 

The next morning Fili received one extra serving of bread.

“Why?” He asked.

“Because you’re hungry.” The she-elf replied.

Fili frowned. That’s not what he meant with the question and she probably knew that.

_I’m a dwarf, you should hate me._ He thought as he studied her. so what was she out to get? Did she think she could get information out of him?

“I am a dwarf.” Fili stated, feeling that was enough to make his point.

“I am aware.” She deadpanned. Then, however, she sighed. “But there are worse things out there than dwarves.” She said, giving Fili a quick look before leaving him again.

Fili blinked stupidly.

While not the nicest comment, it actually was considering the differences and animosity between their races. So could she be like Bilbo? A strange one between her own race that cared? If she was, Fili would be happy to have her as their ally.

 

Late that day Bilbo visited him again.

Fili smiled when he heard his name being called although not seeing Bilbo was unnerving.

“Can’t you take it off?” He asked when he’d sat down onto the ground, as close to the bars as possible. 

“No,” Bilbo replied with a sigh. “The elves are getting suspicious. Or well, the ones in the kitchen. So I better be careful.”

Fili nodded in understanding.

For a moment there was silence. Then suddenly Fili felt a warm weight settle on top of his knee. He almost jumped in shock. But he relaxed quickly, heart fluttering and breath catching. Bilbo had never been this casual with random touches before!

“I’m right here, but now you know for sure.” Bilbo’s voice was soft and shy.

What Fili wouldn’t give to see the other now! With those soft eyes and a smile on his lips.

But he couldn’t, so he’d have to revel in just sharing this close space with the other.

“Thanks.”

Bilbo laughed softly. “Of course.” He said, and then, sounding more excited, added: “Guess who I found today.”

Fili perked up. “Kili?”

He’d been so worried about Bilbo ever since being captured that it had taken over his entire being. But since yesterday he’d started to worry about the company. About his uncle and little brother.

Especially Kili.

He’d always been protective over his little brother but now even more so. He’d promised his mother to do so, after all.

“Yes!” Bilbo whispered back. “He’s doing well. He worries about you and Thorin, though and was very happy when I said you are fine.”

“Good.” Bilbo nodded, feeling relieved to hear his brother was well. “Very good.”

Bilbo squeezed Fili’s knee gently. “If there’s anything you want me to tell him…”

Fili would be eternally grateful for the offer. It only served to show him how kind Bilbo truly was. “Tell him to eat. Fatten up a bit before we leave this place.”

Bilbo chuckled. “I will.”

Fili smiled widely and reached out a hand, placing it awkwardly over the invisible one covering his knee. “Thank you.”

“Of course.” Bilbo was quick to reply.

Fili smiled fondly and, even though he didn’t want to, said: “You should go.”

“I know.” Bilbo, however, didn’t move.

“Perhaps not just yet, though.” Fili whispered.

He wasn’t sure what was happening, he couldn’t see Bilbo after all. But the other was obviously reluctant to leave and the thought that that was due to him warmed Fili’s heart.

“A few more minutes.” Bilbo whispered back and Fili felt small fingers intertwine with his.

Bilbo stayed for a lot longer than just a few minutes.

\---

While searching for the dwarves, Bilbo had kept his eyes and ears open for any possible way they could escape. Listening to them talk was no use, for the elvish dialect they spoke was not one Bilbo understood. But he could listen to doors open and sneak a peek at what was happening on the other side. He could follow the king’s son Legolas and hope to find a clue, or the she-elf Tauriel who was head of the guard. But while fetching himself some bread in the kitchen the night before he’d seen it. 

Their grand escape. It was a brilliant plan, he thought, convinced it would work.

Now if only he could find all the dwarves.

 

He’d found almost all of them now, only Thorin and Balin left to be located. 

Sure, if he found them he couldn’t get them out yet. But he knew where the keys were so it was only a question of how he would get them. But then there was the party tonight the elves seemed to be preparing for, which left him with very little time to actually execute his plan.

If he could.

He would need Thorin and Balin for it, after all.

So that day he searched and he searched and he almost cried out in joy when he finally did find them!

He could get them out now.

By now, he’d also learned that the only way any dwarf would believe he was truly there was to show himself. Apparently an invisible hobbit did nothing good to the nerves of a dwarf and he’d even been accused for being elvish witchcraft.

So when he called out “Thorin,” he removed his ring and the stunned look on the dwarf’s face was worth all of Bilbo’s share of gold, the hobbit was sure.

“Master Baggins.” Thorin said, stepping up to the bars and he was smiling, looking relieved. “You are full of surprises.”

Bilbo couldn’t hide a smile and waved off the comment. He appreciated it and truly he should be happy Thorin respected him if he wanted to actually be with Fili. But to hear the dwarf once so gruff compliment him was still strange, no matter the apologies made.

“Have you found the others?” Thorin asked then and after the question a small flicker of panic crossed his face. “Fili and Kili?”

“Yes, they are all fine. Including Fili and Kili.” Bilbo answered the question asked him by all dwarves. At least now he could pass on the good news that everyone was fine. “Master Balin and yourself were tucked away furthest. It was quite the task, finding you.”

“And yet you did.” Thorin replied.

Bilbo shrugged with a small smile. “Well, of course. I could hardly leave all of you sods out here. Not while I’ve gone through all the effort to travel with you this far. I’d like to at least see that mountain of yours properly before I go home.” The moment the words left his mouth, though, a thought dawned upon him.

With him being in love with Fili, going home would be difficult, wouldn’t it?

But before nerves and panic could overtake him, Thorin thankfully spoke again.

“Your loyalty is a remarkable quality, master Baggins. One for which I must thank you. However, if you wish to see Erebor we still need to get out of here.”

“No problem at all, I have a plan.” Bilbo proudly proclaimed with a nod.

Thorin chuckled. “Of course you do.”

“It’s taken days to find you, I’ve had lots of time to think.” Bilbo said and told Thorin all about his plan of escape.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Flower Garden fanarts](https://archiveofourown.org/works/971538) by [ajir](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ajir/pseuds/ajir)




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